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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 23, 2017 11:35pm-12:33am EDT

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>> it's not even a contest is that you're right, it's definitely not a contest. but let's role play, okay? i'm an elderly widower. say something that will console me after i've lost my wife of 60 years. >> you know, that's the way it is. >> stephen: okay, remember, my life is shattered, i'm the weeping shell of a man, a husk of my formerself. is there anything you could say to ease my loss? >> i don't think it matters. i mean, i really don't. >> stephen: all right. i'm going to shake that on off even though we're just pretending. let's talk about your tax plan. how many tax brackets are there in your new plan? >> we do have four brackets because we have a zero bracket and people aren't including that so that would actually make it a fifth bracket as opposed to an eighth bracket on the other side. >> stephen: you're just saying the word bracket over and over. do you have any idea what you're talking about? >> bing, bing, bing, bing. >> stephen: let's move on to an easier question, sir. do you think you will be impeached?
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it. people want to see it. >> stephen: oh, that they do. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert, tonight trump versus mccain. plus stephen welcomes anna faris, amy sedaris and musical guest tyminski featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: whoo! hey! yeah! ( band playing ) hey, what's going on? ( cheers and applause ) nice! what's going on? oh! it is nice. this is lovely. it's lovely. welcome to the late "late show." i'm your shows stephen colbert. ladies and gentlemen, we're back
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isn't this nice? >> feels great to be back. >> stephen: lovely to be back on the stage with these lovely people. do you know who has not had a week off? people of puerto rico. i want to remind you out there you can still donate to help them with the one america, you can go there and donate now. this weekend five formerups teamed up at a benefit to raise money for hurricane relief. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, come on! feels good to applaud for your presidents! president trump couldn't be there to help the victims of flooding because -- and this is true -- he was working on his own water hazards. it was a great event. and there was one lighthearted moment during the concert that's going around. watch george w. bush lean over and whisper something into obama's ear during clinton's speech.
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he says some joke to obama. obama smiles. you know, it's nice. it's really nice that they can all be there together, having fun... help us! why aren't you helping us?! come back. all of you. at once! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) now, we don't have the audio, so we can only speculate what dubya said. or just make it up. let's give it a shot. >> hey, were you born in kenya? ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's fun. let's do another one. >> $20 if you pants clinton right now!" ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> yo. real quick. where's puerto rico?
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( piano riff ) >> this morning, i painted a shih tzu. ( laughter ) >> hey, are you lebron james? ( laughter ) all fun. all in good fun. it's for charity. it's all for charity. thank you for your service, president bush. donald trump is continuing to not get along with the opposition party-- the republicans. specifically he's really not getting along are john mccain now. back in 2015, trump said this about mccain's record in vietnam. >> he's a war hero because he was captured. i like people that weren't captured, okay? ( audience reacts ) sounds harsh. be fair, everybody. he was echoing the words of the p.o.w. flag: "you shouldn't have been captured."
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( laughter ) again those comments were from 2015, but you know the old saying, "revenge is a dish best served two and a half years later." because remember how, during the vietnam war, president tough guy received five deferments from the draft -- four for education and one for bone spurs in his heels. that's why we lost. we needed a winner. that doesn't mean trump didn't see action. here he is on howard stern bragging about s.t.d.'s in the new york dating scene. >> it is a dangerous world out there, it's scary, it's like vietnam, sort of like-- >> it is it's like your personal vietnam isn't it? you've said that many times. >> i feel like a great and very brave soldier. >> stephen: i know it sounds bad, and it is, but he's right. sex with trump is like vietnam: a bungled operation launched on false pretenses without a satisfying ending.
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take a long walk. worth it. lovely view. and yesterday john mccain, an actual war hero, weighed in on trump's deferments. >> one aspect of the conflict, by the way, that i will never ever countenance is that we drafted the lowest income level of america and the highest income level found a doctor that would say that they had a bone spur. that is wrong. >> stephen: damn! ( cheers and applause ) wow. i gotta say -- >> jon: put it all out there! >> stephen: -- i really wish mccain was my high school science teacher because he clearly does not give an "f." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) really! really! ( laughter ) that's rare. i'm honored. i'm honored. also this weekend, the president sat down with fox
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salon haircut photo #7, maria bartiromo. and she immediately held trump's feet to the fire, to make sure they were nice and cozy. >> mr. president, thank you very much for sitting down with me today. >> thank you. >> here we are in the week that the dow jones industrial average just hit 23,000, $5 1/3 trillion of market value created since your election, largely because of this anticipation and hope that your policies will get implemented. >> stephen: mr. president, first question: you're amazing. follow-up: can you hear my questions from so far up your ass? ( laughter ) >> jon: whoa! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: can you hear them? and bartiromo wasn't the only one praising trump. so was trump: >> if you look at what i have done between regulation-- i have cut more regulations in nine months than any president has cut during the entire term that they were in. nobody's cut-- >> yeah, you're better than president bush-- the federal
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pages are down over 30% under your leadership. >> well, and by the way i've just begun because-- >> so there are more regulation -- >> well, there's a lot more. i mean really, a lot more. i mean i think i can double it before it's over. >> stephen: yes, he's going to double the number of pages that aren't there. "by the time i'm done, america will be an absolutely lawless hellscape. dump anything you want into the drinking water. you know what they say, when life hands you paint thinner, make people drink paint thinner-ade." ( laughter ) but there was one area where bartiromo thought things were too lax: >> i'm wondering what you think about tech right now? you have these companies that are more powerful than ever before. they have everything, all this data on us. they are selling the data. should the tech companies like these more regulated? >> it'll be very interesting to see what-- there are two very distinct views on that. i can go -- honestly i can go either way on it. >> stephen: yep, just like the sign on truman's desk: "the buck stops here, or somewhere else, i can go either way on it."
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( laughter ) but trump likes tech, especially twitter. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: he loves that thing. and he couldn't resist praising his own tweets. >> you know they are well crafted. i was always a good student, i am like a person that does well with that kind of thing. >> stephen: oh, you can tell that he was a good student. even back then all of his papers were a 140 characters or less. "george washington won the revolutionary war because he was like a person that does well with that kind of thing. #faketeeth." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and i'm much better than george washington because like him i can't tell a lie. i tell a lot of them. ( audience reacts ) and on saturday, trump tweet-nounced an exciting new development: "i will be allowing, as president, the long blocked and classified j.f.k. files to be opened." that's right, the documents will be released by the natio
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archives this thursday... is what they want you to think. ( piano riff ) are we expected to believe that a single national archives could release all these documents? and what is a national archive but a fancy word for "book depository?" think about it. i haven't. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) now, trump's not really throwing open the files. the release of the documents was actually mandated to occur this month under a 1992 law. so this was scheduled. and he's taking credit for it. "i've given it some thought, and i've come to the decision that i will be allowing christmas to happen this year. you're welcome, whoville."
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>> jon: whoa, whoa! >> stephen: that sank in. they love christmas a lot. now -- most people believe that the documents should be unsealed. but because lee harvey oswald took a mysterious trip to mexico weeks before the assassination, some historians are concerned that the document could be damaging to u.s.-mexico relations. oh, i think that ship has sailed. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i think that's -- bye-bye. ( piano riff ) of course, trump's tweet that he would release the j.f.k. files came right during the whole gold star family controversy. people say it might have been for a distraction or something like that. so now when trump feels cornered, he'll just declassify america's biggest secrets. "robert muller is presenting the findings of the russia investigation on tuesday dot dot dot dot dot dot the same day i am giving away an alien plasma cannon from area 51! tenth ll
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( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. anna faris is here. but when we come back, 32 million more reasons why bill o'reilly was fired. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ new charmin ultra soft! it's softer than ever. new charmin ultra soft is softer than ever... so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird. enjoy the go! with charmin! ♪ you know how you don't talk like this: "play the peter, bjorn and john song called 'young folks' on youtube music" you talk like this: "hey google, play that hipster song with whistling." ♪ it gets that... only google can. ♪
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ralpand as a doctor, nobody ever asked if i'm a democrat or republican. they just want my help. so if donald trump is helping virginia i'll work with him. but donald trump proposed cutting virginia's school funding, rolling back our clean air and water protections, and taking away health care from thousands of virginians. as a candidate for governor, i sponsored this ad because i've stood up to donald trump on all of it. ed gillespie refuses to stand up to him at all.
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no monsters. ♪ how about the drawer? ♪ no monsters. nightly monster checks are how grant makes home his. and homegoods is what makes it all possible. amazing finds. always great prices. make home yours. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) jon batiste and "stay human"! come on! oh, my goodness! ( cheers and applause ) jon, you know, thanksgiving is going to come up in about a month from now.
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what have you got there? >> halloween. >> stephen: halloween. and you know what i like to give away on halloween? >> oh, what's that? what you like to give away? >> stephen: i like to give away my book. >> oh, snap! >> stephen: stephen colbert's midnight confessions. this thing is packed with great advice for children. children will learn so much from reading this. for instance, here's a confession from the book. >> okay. >> stephen: i take credit for other people's work, and if i had writers, they would be pretty pissed. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, snap! >> stephen: so buy this book, get a stack, put them by the door. no candy, it's poison. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: you give children candy instead of this, you hate children. that's something you have to confess. >> jon: oh! >> stephen: john, june, we're in, sadly, the midst of a
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of sexual harassments and assault allegations against some pretty big names in show biz. producers like harvey weinstein, directors like james toback, even former reality show hosts. ( audience reacts ) and of course, former fox news pundit and scrotum who wished to be a real boy, bill o'reilly. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh! ( piano riff ) >> stephen: we already knew o'reilly had previously settled five sexual harassment claims, but now it's an even half dozen because it's being reported that, back in january, o'reilly made yet another payout to a woman alleging sexual harassment, this one for a record "$32 million." which is exactly the sort of thing you do when you're innocent. ( laughter ) like in the game clue, where the game ends when you pay off the other players $32 million to never open the envelope. ( laughter ) the accuser this time was a fox news legal analyst named lees wheel, who-- and this is true-- was a regular guest on an
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"is it legal?" ( laughter ) and the answer, for $32 million, survey says: (buzzer) no, it is not. thanks for playing-- security will see you out. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: thank you for playing. thank you for playing. >> jon: yep. >> stephen: so what exactly was bill o'reilly doing this time? well, apparently the allegations include repeated harassment and sending her gay pornography. wow. so, i guess both "her"-assing and "his"-assing. ( laughter ) so how did he justify that last thing? well, when asked about why he was sending this stuff to his colleague, o'reilly had a perfectly reasonable explanation. he claims, "he had been sent threatening messages almost every day, including some that had obscene material, so he set up a system in which the material would be forwarded to his lawyers."
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people sent bill gay pornography when they wrote in to criticize him? it makes perfect sense. "dear mr. o'reilly, i could not disagree more on your take about the republicans new tax proposal. and to drive home my point, here are two young men driving home the point." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: wow, wow, wow. >> stephen: but there's a twist. apparently, fox news knew about the settlement in january, but then in february, "they gave him a four-year contract extension that paid $25 million a year." he got a $25 million payout? what did bill o'reilly do to bill o'reilly? it's shocking that fox news knew about all these sexual harassment settlements and kept him employed for so long. but maybe ther
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employees. if bill's on camera, that's one hour a day they knew he's not groping anybody. ( applause ) yea! no groping! ( piano riff ) and fox defended keeping uncle bill on the payroll, saying that they "regarded the settlement ... as a personal issue." yes, whoever o'reilly harasses and then pays off in his personal time is his own business. it's a matter between one consenting adult... ( laughter ) ( applause ) and then, when fox did fire o'reilly in april, they said it was because they'd included a clause in his contract "that allowed for his dismissal if new allegations or other relevant information arose." yes, it's like the old saying goes: fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, some more shame. fool me three times, you really t
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four times, we're extending your contract. five times, we wish bill the best of luck in his future endeavors-- now, enjoy the tucker carlson show! stick around, we've got anna faris and amy sedaris. their names rhyme! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) remember 2007? smartphones? o m g ten years later, nothing's really changed. it's time to snap out of it. [hello moto] snap on a jbl speaker. put a 70" screen on a wall. get a 10x optical zoom. get excited world. [hello moto] moto is here. the new moto z with moto mods. get $200 off a moto z2 force edition and free projector mod.
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it all started when sophia stopped into marshalls and found a mug for surprisingly little green. she paired that with some succulents. and suddenly something clicked.
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vowould be a disaster forion virginia families.e adams supports letting insurance companies
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685,000 virginians would lose their health care. and adams is against medicaid expansion - denying coverage to thousands of veterans, children and the disabled. john adams: higher costs, less coverage, hurting virginians. mark: i'm mark herring, candidate for attorney general, and i sponsored this ad. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest as the star of "scary movie", "the house bunny", and the cbs sitcom "mom." please welcome anna faris. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> what an amazing audience! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: they're lovely. if i liked my hands more i would wave more aggressively but i don't care for my hands. >> stephen: you don't like your hands? they're lovely, tiny doll-like hands. >> no, they are not. they are sort of like the potato farming part of my family, i'm convinced. we don't need to talk about that. >> stephen: where would we be without potatoes, anna faris. thank you for your service. ( laughter ) now, you have also sort of contessed to -- confessed to something here in your book. you have a relationship podcast, okay, very successful, very popular, and now youe
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>> yeah. >> stephen: it is called anna faris is unqualified, okay. what makes you unqualified to give relationship advice? ( laughter ) >> i mean -- >> stephen: is anyone qualified to give relationship advice? >> i feel like you're letting me off the hook with that question. i am definitely not qualified to give relationship advice. but having said that, i enjoy it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's right. you don't have to be good at something to give people advice. >> i like that philosophy. >> stephen: all right. i'll happily interrupt an operation and tell a doctor where to start cutting. ( laughter ) what kind of advice do we have in here? is it sort of like serious love advice or does this get spicey in here? is there spicey sex stuff in
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>> my mom came down to the kitchen the other day and she said, annie, i'm going to give you a gift, i'm not going to read your book. because i talk about the guys that i've slept with and i talk about, you know, the times i have been in love, the times i've messed up, and -- >> stephen: how spicey are we talking about here? if this were made into a movie, what network could i show it on? could i show it on cbs? >> no -- no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's a book i would read. >> all right. >> stephen: the sexy part like this. so you've got advice in here for single people? >> well, yes. i mean, listen, it's my life story with advice about sort of just what i've learned, like the failures that i've had, and -- >> stephen: such as? well, there haven'ee
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many. ( laughter ) except for maybe this talk show. ( laughter ) >> stephen: not at all! we love her, don't you? ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) okay. >> oh, i love you guys. >> stephen: when you give advice to people, is there a question that comes up over and over again from people who say anna faris? >> usually the question on the podcast we get a lot is why doesn't he or she like me? or how do i get he or she to like me more? and that's sort of an impossible question to answer. >> stephen: yeah. except, how do you -- how would you maybe like me more? could i look at your cards? >> stephen: i couldn't possibly like you more. >> oh, go on! can we do these things, though? can we cut to commercial? >> stephen: no, we can do anything you want. we can talk about anything you want. do you want to talk about what's on there? >> i do, becausean
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you questions. >> stephen: here's the thing. this is the thing i'm interested in, on your podcast, first of all, you have a list of professions of men you believe women should never date. is this true? >> this is true. >> stephen: you say -- ( laughter ) -- you say magician, doctor and chef. because they're all on call? why those three? >> magician, somebody who wants to trick you is -- it's a little weird to me. >> stephen: not a con man. he pulls a rabbit out of a hat. >> yeah, but you say, how did you do that? they say, i'll never tell my secrets. oh, that's a little weird. >> stephen: that's a little weird. doctor? >> i believe in the god contest. >> stephen: what do you mean?
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applies to talk show hosts. ( cheering ) ( piano riff ) >> i love this audience! >> stephen: so if my wife before we had gotten married if she said i'm thinking of dating this guy who is stephen colbert who is a talk show host, you would say -- >> i'd say, ooh -- >> stephen: what? why wouldn't you -- >> oh, my gosh! built-in narcissism! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: okay. okay. okay. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: why, because my name is on if fronts of a building ten stories tall? ( laughter ) all right. your podcast has a quiz. you quiz celebs on dating, it's called "deal breakers and how to proceed ." deke
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>> stephen: okay, i can do that, too. >> i love the idea maybe i flustered you. it kind of gives my ego a little boost. >> stephen: you totally flustered me. >> thank you. >> stephen: i'm flustered. thank you. i have a microphone strapped to my inner thigh so i feel flustered. ( laughter ) ( applause ) okay. all right. so, imagine you're sing. >> imagine i'm single. yes. ( laughter ) you're on a date -- no, no, you're on a date. >> stephen: okay. your date refuses to use a fork. is that a deal breaker? what are we -- >> stephen: what are we eating? if it's nachos, i'm okay. if it's
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the check. >> pennebolanaise. >> stephen: i would get the check. >> if she pulls chopsticks from her purse. >> stephen: i would say when did you get back? you've forgotten how forks work and been away for a while. >> she has a history, though. >> stephen: she has history? he believes that her very first boyfriend was a descendent of poseidon. >> stephen: of posiden? yeah. >> stephen: is she greek? no, her ex-boyfriend was. >> stephen: i'd get the check. o judgmental! ( laughter ) all right, next one. ready for the next one? >> stephen: this come, is
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a friend of yours? did she have a book she's selling right now? does she have a microphone strapped to her thigh? ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah, yeah. all right, all right. okay. you are on a date and over creme brule, she says she's not sure if women should be able to vote because of the scientific fact that women have 50% of the mental capacity of men. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: i -- i -- i would -- i would say -- >> yes? >> stephen: -- does your husband mr. trump know you're with me tonight? ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) "unqualified" is out tomorrow! "mom" returns next week on cbs!
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dical or dental procedures. eliquis treats dvt and pe blood clots. plus had less major bleeding. both made eliquis right for me. ask your doctor if switching to eliquis is right for you. it's iphone season! and everyone's celebrating! but this year celebrate more responsibly. much data did i use last night? what did i sign up for? hey jimmy, where's your iphone season spirit? be smart and get the new iphone 8 from sprint -you'll get the best price for unlimited and network reliability within 1% of the other guys. works for me! it's an iphone season miracle!!! i'm going to sprint! (vo) celebrate at sprint - get the new iphone 8 and save $350, plus upgrade to the latest iphone anytime for people with hearing loss, with iphone forever. visit discover card. i justis this for real?match, yep. we match all the cash back new cardmembers earn at the end of their first year, automatically. whoo! i got my money! hard to contain yourself, isn't it? uh huh! let it go! whoo! get a dollar-for-dollar match at the end of your first year.
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you are a true friend of the crown. dilly, dilly. dilly dilly! madame susan, you are an even truer friend of the crown. dilly, dilly. dilly dilly! what is that? this is a spiced honey mead wine that i have really been into lately. please follow, sir brad. he's going to give you a private tour of the pit of misery. i'm sorry, what? pit of misery! dilly dilly! dilly dilly! here's to the friends you can always count on.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the show! ladies and gentlemen, i'm terribly excited and i hope you are, too, because my next guest is a hilarious actress, expert crafter, and a talented tumbling partner. her new show is called "at home with amy sedaris." >> okay. so what we're going to be doing is we're going to be laying out the filo and butter in each individual layer. a lot of people are intimidated by filo and if this is the case for you pick up my latest book me talk fil '01 day. >> great summer read. why don't you tell the audience how we met. >> i used to own a pastry shop dangerously close to trifer. you
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and your oven broke and you were desperate. >> you were wearing half a bra and had blood on your shoes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: please welcome my dear friend, amy sedaris! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> wow! >> stephen: hi! colbert! look what you've done with yourself! >> stephen: welcome back to the ed sullivan! >> i need a little tour. is this white gravy? >> stephen: yes. okay ( laughter ) >> stephen: this is beautiful. this is lovely. where's the top hat? >> i don't kiss and tell. ( laughter ) so good to see you. >> stephen: nice to see you, too. >> you did a little segment on
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on your show. who is this handsome fellow with you? >> we had a good time. >> stephen: we had a good time together. how is your rabbit? >> i have one new rabbit tina. >> stephen: what happened to tattletale? >> tattletale died a long time ago. >> stephen: how long do rabbits live? >> everyone asks that. you know, you have a rabbit. >> stephen: my rabbit's still alive. >> dusty lived to be 12. >> stephen: that's a long time. >> she died in my arm. this is true, i had to wait till her body got stiff, there was a snowstorm, couldn't go to the vet. i had to wait till she got stiff, measure her and put her in my freezer. >> stephen: why did you have to measure her? >> because in my refrigerator, it's only 24 inches. i have an aer
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>> stephen: couldn't you just attempt it and, again, i know it's a serious event but a but couldn't you just attempt to put her in that way? why did you have to measure her? >> because what if she was 25 inches long dead? and she couldn't get in and i've got to struggle? no way. no way. >> stephen: no way. o your rabbit is still alive. >> stephen: yeah, bunny. bunny's your rabbit. >> stephen: no longer my rabbit, though. >> what do you mean? >> stephen: because no one out there knows what the hell we're talking about. we have friends whose daughter went to college and their bunny could not go to college with her so their bunny bunny came to live with us, the girl graduated and she has the bunny back. >> she has the bunny back. >> stephen: we had it while she was in college. >> you had the bunny for a long time. guess college takes a while. >> stephen: it does. what are you doing for halloween? >> i'm dressing as a witch. i take my
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treating and i'm their god mother in charge of their spiritual growth. anti-get in the bat girl outfit, so i'm going as the witch. >> stephen: that's you here? that's me with the stomach sticking out. >> stephen: not at all. you look lovely. so not bat girl this year? >> no, i'm going to do the witch. i have a great witch hat. >> stephen: good or bad witch? a good witch with a devilish side. >> stephen: do you take your godmotherring serious. >> i do. i'm good with them. ask paul. last night i took a mattress on the stairs and we were flying down it. it was so much fun. >> stephen: you were riding the mattress down the stairs? >> i'm, like, stand up on your feet and go down. i've done really stupid stuff with them and i keep a diary. paul doesn't know the half of
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>> stephen: and they leave you alone with these children? >> i'm not allowed to baby sit without an adult around. i'm not making that up. >> stephen: that's not baby sitting. you're a playmate. >> john carly thinks i'm seven. isn't that good? >> stephen: you're maturing. i'm maturing. >> stephen: the new show, you play yourself at home with amy sedaris. quick question, i've known you for what, 30 years, 1988, something like that? >> '86 or something. >> stephen: when i first met you, you didn't have glasses. now you have thick black glasses. where are you glasses? >> for the tv show i had to wear lenses. >> stephen: are you wearing them now? >> i'm wearing them now. i took classes, and i plucked my eye so much i was bleeding a week before the show. then i took classes, i failed the first time. i swear to god the guy who was
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stay straight ahead. he was cross-eyed. i'm not even joking. i said, well, you're not looking straight. anyway, i got them in. then i had a lens tech who came to set. >> stephen: a lens tech? yeah, you hire these people and they'll come to your show and they'll put contact lenses in. she had long razor-back clams, red nails coming at me so i learned quickly. ( laughter ) you're like a prey animal. you can see behind you and the whole world is open. i only wear them when i was doing different characters, and you have to wear makeup and i didn't want to wear glasses. >> if you wear glasses you're the same character. which is why i don't want to have a beard, then you will always be the beard guy. >> now you're just the ear gu
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i love your ear! ( laughter ) no! ( piano riff ) they don't know us! no. they don't know us! >> stephen: we've known each other since 1988. >> yes. >> stephen: and is there anything that you think people should know about me of the 30 years you've known me that perhaps i wouldn't be willing to tell them? >> well, that you fancy yourself a really good cook. no, you are a good cook, but back in the day, paul and i would make fun of your recipes all the time and i didn't know you were so sensitive and it hurt your feelings, but you're over that now, right? ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, that's all we have time for. ( laughter ) "at home with amy sedaris," premieres tomorrow on trutv! amy sedaris, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by tyminski. ( cheers and applause )
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♪ you know when your hands are covered in flour, or, ewwww, chicken gizzards, and you go to check the recipe and, wait...argh... the screen locked and your hands are still dirty? instead, "hey google, what's the next step?" "mix the eggs with the flour." ♪ a little help at home like only google can.
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ralcandidate for'm governor,rtham, and i sponsored this ad. narrator: they call him enron ed. because washington, dc lobbyist ed gillespie represented the worst of the worst. lenders trying to keep student loan rates high. corporations sending jobs overseas.
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now, enron ed is lobbying for donald trump's agenda. like cuts to virginia school funding, and taking away healthcare from thousands of virginians. enron ed gillespie. he's not lobbying for you. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) time with my grandson.pend now depend fit-flex has their fastest absorbing material inside, so it keeps me dry and protected. go to -
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remember 2007? smartphones? o m g ten years later, nothing's really changed. it's time to snap out of it. [hello moto] snap on a jbl speaker. put a 70" screen on a wall. get a 10x optical zoom. get excited world. [hello moto] moto is here. the new moto z with moto mods. buy the new moto z and you'll get a free projector mod.
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>> stephen: and now making his solo television debut with the title track from his album, "southern gothic," please welcome tyminski!
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ woohoohoooohooo ♪ woohoohoooohooo ♪ ♪ ♪ blackbird on the old church steeple ♪ spanish moss hanging in the setting sun ♪ every house house has got a bible and a loaded gun ♪ we've got preachers and politicians ♪ round here its kinda hard to tell which one ♪ is gonna do more talking with a crooked tongue ♪ this towns got the good lord shakin' his head ♪ lookin' down thinking we ain't heard a word he said ♪ word he said ♪ baptized in southern gothic
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in the garden of good and evil ♪ devil right here who who'da thought it ♪ in a town full of god fearin' people ♪ dogs and deadbolts guard the night ♪ nothing left to do but kneel and pray ♪ we've got a church on every corner ♪ so why does heaven feel so far away ♪ far away ♪ must be something in the muddy water ♪ turns the whiskey 'bout as sweet as sin ♪ every drunk in town can sing a brown bag hymn ♪ good fences make good neighbors ♪ but good neighbors make good lovers too ♪ when your man ain't home any man will do
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♪ high on homegrown, smokin' that brimstone ♪ momma ain't stoppin', poppin' that cotton ♪ no happy ever after, waitin' on the rapture now ♪ baptized in southern gothic in the garden of good and evil ♪ devil right here who woulda thought it ♪ in a town full of god fearin' people ♪ dogs and deadbolts guard the night ♪ nothing left to do but kneel and pray ♪ we've got a church on every corner ♪ so why does heaven feel so far away ♪ far away ♪ southern gothic ♪ southern gothic
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♪ southern gothic ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. tyminski, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) thanks again.
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that's it for "the late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be jake tapper, shemar moore, and musical guest, khaleed. now, stick around for james corden and his guests, gabrielle union and method man. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the


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