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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 8, 2017 11:35pm-12:33am EST

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cheesy bread. >> there's danger. >> come on! come on. gotta love it. >> suspense. intrigue. >> oooh, yeah, that's good. >> right now they gotta do-- >> oh, goonies. no, i can't do it again, can't do it again. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, the democrats trump, trump. >> plus stephen welcomes norman reedus. sean astin. and comedian pat mcgann. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: thank you very much. tack, tack, tack, tack particular thanks so much. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) well, folks, one year ago today, donald trump was elected president. give him a chance. ( laughter ) yesterday, democrats commemorated this anniversary, by kicking trump's ass, using his arch enemy: the popular vote. ( cheers and applause ) okay, let's go around the horn. let's see the results. let's start in helena, montana, where wilmot collins became the first black mayor in montana's history. ( cheers and applause )
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wyoming is the 21st one out there. and in new jersey, democrat phil murphy was elected governor ( cheers and applause ) a sad day for chris christie. so, a day for chris christie. and in his acceptance speech, governor-elect murphy expressed the way a lot of democrats were feeling last night. ( laughter ) let me try that. hold on. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers )
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upset-- ( cheers and applause ) yeah. 15 seats in an upset that stunned members of both parties. both parties? so, even the democrats didn't democrats would win. "what? no, people hate us. i demand a recount!" ( laughter ) virginia also elected its first transgender state lawmaker ( cheers and applause ) danica roem. and in a moment of, i think, sweet irony, the man she beat was bob marshall, the republican who introduced virginia's "bathroom bill." ( cheers and applause ) so, soon there'll be one bathroom bob marshall can't use: the one in his office. ( laughter ) of course, the big race in virginia last night was for governor, where democrat ralph northam stomped republican ed gillespie 54 to 45
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saying "virginia is for lovers of everyone but ed gillespie." one person who said he loved gillespie was donald trump, but the second gillespie lost, trump threw him under the tweet bus: "ed gillespie worked hard but did not embrace me or what i stand for." clearly, if he worked hard, also-- >> jon: oooh! i get it, i get it. >> stephen: he doesn't. also, you're lying. because gillespie copied your whole playbook, "portraying northam as enabling latino gangs, hitting n.f.l. players for kneeling during the national anthem, and promising to keep confederate monuments up." he even copied the part where you lost the state of virginia ( laughter ) well, you know what they say, "imitation is the sincerest form of you lost the state of virginia." mr. trump, all of these elections were about you. significant numbers of voters in each state said trump was a reason for their vote, with
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far more voting to oppose you than support you. that's the problem with making everything about you, sir. it means everything, even losing, is about you. that's the downside of narcissism, along-- ( applause ) yeah. yeah. along with no one really loving you. ( laughter ) but tomorrow is another day, and trump is already there, because he's in asia. yesterday, tomorrow, today, he gave a big speech to south korea's national assembly and praised the resiliency of the south korean people.
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like korea, and since my election exactly one year ago today, i celebrate with you. >> stephen: urrrr! that is a hard turn from korean life expectancy to "i won the election." ( laughter ) do not have this man give the toast at your wedding: "congratulations to the bride and groom. i hope they have a long and happy marriage, as happy as i was when i hosted the highly-rated 'celebrity apprentice.' top reality show of all time, tremendous. i may now kiss the bride." ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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about himself. >> the united states is going through something of a miracle itself. >> stephen: it's true. ever since you were elected, all my water turned to wine-- technically bourbon, but i'm drinking a lot of it. ( cheers and applause ) then-- ♪ ♪ then the president addressed the most important issue facing south korea: golf. >> korean golfers are some of the best on earth. in fact-- and you know what i'm going to say. >> stephen: yes, so please don't. >> the women's u.s. open was held this year at trump national golf club in bedminster, new jersey. >> stephen: now, it may sound crass, but a lot of presidents use foreign trips to hawk their personal products.
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but he was just there to promote dick nixon's salad fixin's. "i am not a crouton!" ( laughter ) but the big question going into trump's trip to south korea was how he'd deal with the threat from north korea. now, past presidents have made a point to visit the demilitarized zone zones between the two countries, or the d.m.z., between north and south. but last week, before he left, the president was playing coy about a d.m.z. visit.
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sometimes i enjoy the jokes too much. ( laughter ) then, this morning, press secretary harrah-- i almost said "harrah suckabee sanders. sarah huckabee sanders-- it's going to be a long night. gathered reporters-- ( cheers and applause ) over! it's over! we had a good run, two years, two months. anyway, sarah huckabee sanders gathered reporters who were traveling with the president and made a big announcement... sort of. because it was such a big secret "that she had been instructed not even to utter the location aloud" and said, "this is where we're going" while holding up a piece of notebook paper on which she had scrawled the letters 'd.m.z.'" ( cheers and applause )
quote
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which, of course, stands for "where's the fjord?" in case they're going to norway. it was all going according to plan, until the visit to the d.m.z. was called off due to fog. that's right, north korea! watch out kim jong-un! do not test donald trump, because if you do, he will rain down fire and fury the likes you've never seen-- unless it's misty. in which case, seoul is all yours! we've got a great show for you tonight. norman reedus is here. but when we return, trump visits china, and i'm visited by a friendly hobo. he's very nice. stick around. ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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your... >> ...pudding. pudding. he can finish your pudding. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon stewart, everybody! jon-- i don't know if i am. ( cheers and applause ) all right, jon, i gotta ask-- please. he's here all the time. sit down! ladies and gentlemen, jon stewart, obviously. jon, what are you doing under my desk.
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pudding. >> well, stephen, as you know, i'll be hosting the "night of too many stars" to support "next for autism," on saturday, november 18, on hbo. it's live and on hbo, which means i will be having somewhat night sex with a robot-- looking at you, james marsden. >> stephen: that's a good choice. that's a good choice. >> it's a "westworld" reference. obviously we don't have premium cable audience here tonight. >> stephen: "night of too many stars," did i get the title right. >> "night of too many stars." >> stephen: can there be too many stars. i've got chris rock, adam sandler, olivia munn, ellie kemper, john oliver, stephen colbert. >> stephen: stephen colbert! wait. >> stephen colbert. >> stephen: i very very good things about him. his ankles, alone. >> unbelievable. the smartest in late night. >> what will always those people be doing. >> we're raising money for
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every dollar-- every one. >> every dollar! every dollar! every nickel. it will b will be raised to help somebody with autism. since we started this 12 years ago, $24 million. >> stephen: $24 million, wow, that is-- >> $2 million. >> you know what i'm going to do. >> stephen: what are you going to do? >> i'm going to take this home and see if a raccoon will get its head stuck in this. >> that might go viral, jon. $24 million, that family must be rich now. >> we're spreading it out to different families. >> stephen: that's smart. >> it goes to many families across the america. celebrities are donating incredible experiences to help raise even more money. for instance, stephen colbert is offering an incredible opportunity here at "the late show." >> stephen: i am, and i can't way-- to see what it is i'm offering. before you tell people, i'm feeling a little pa
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need to get a sip of water here. please tell me what i'm offering. ( laughter )
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>> yes. >> stephen: well, i happen to know another detail of this amazing prize. >> do you? ( laughter )
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that's what it says up here. does this sound amazing to you? >> i'll tell you what, how does your suit get to bead the water in that way? that's tremendous. >> stephen: they scotchguard me before you come on the show, jon. this is going to be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. go to www.omaze.com/colbert to support "next for autism" and enter to win the chance to spend an-- there's no more water down there. to spend an episode of "the late show" under my desk! jon, you better make some room down there. >> okay. >> stephen: jon stewart, everybody. watch "night of too many stars," saturday-- forget it. november 18 on hbo, and go bid online. we'll be right back with norman reedus. ♪ ♪
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[ barking ] it's go time. woohoo! sir, the kids need you. later lobster. [ sirens blaring ] [ minion babble ] [ holiday music playing ] hurry! let's go! thanks for coming everyone! some of you from far, far, away. [ heavy breathing ] we found this special house. for a super special family. uh, where's the special part? well, that's where you all come in! [ all cheering ] here, i see a big tree. and a fireplace for all the stockings. copy that. tvs in the game room! here we go! and a closet filled with holiday outfits! dream houses do come true! think they'll like it? yeah, they're gonna love it. ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human. hey, everybody, you know, folks, you're in luck. my first guest is daryl from "the walking dead" and host of "ride with norman reedus." please welcome norman reedus! ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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you should run for elected office. that would be a great slogan. >> you don't want that to happen. >> stephen: you don't want to run for office? >> maybe, maybe, sure. >> stephen: you're on a tv show. that's all it takes at this point. >> wait, i brought you a present. >> stephen: no way! nobody brings me presents. what did you bring? what? that is a norman reedus-- that is a "the walking dead" air freshener. that is-- yeah, that really smells dead. >> yeah gr that is really-- that is really nice. now, okay, now the last time you were here, you were talking about-- you were learning to, like, poach an egg or something like that, and make hol an dais sauce. how did that work out? did you figure out how to do it yet? >> i gave up. >> stephen: you gave up on how to cook an egg. >> the egg part i got down. >> stephen: it's just butter and egg yo,
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>> i'm not sure. >> stephen: did you try to improvise or did you ask a chef. >> i just forgot and got busy and gave up. >> stephen: oh, okay. okay, so you can't do that-- i'm not going to spit on you, i promise. here's you and your coep from "the walking dead." you opened a restaurant in georgia. what's it called? >> nic & norman's. >> stephen: what kind of food are we talking about here? poaches eggs and hollandais sauce? >> it's southern feel-good food and a lot of it. >> stephen: what can i get there, things fried i assume? >> things fried and mountains of gravy on stuff fried and i don't eat meat but the black meat burger is big. >> stephen: you don't do meat at all? that's big in the south, meat. >> it is. >> stephen: how-- does nic eat the meats? >> we have sort of a competition, because we all had to come up with burgers. there's a black bean
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cheese burger, and our competition is who is going to order more of our burgers. and he's crushing me right now. >> stephen: well, listen, is it, like a family restaurant? >> yes, sir, it's a kind of-- like, if your whole family got drunk and went there and needed, like, sobering food, it would be like that. ( laughter ).
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in hawaii -- >> stephen: you rode notification to hawaii? >> in hawaii. >> that's easier. >> stephen: i don't know how to ride a motorcycle. >> i can teach you. >> stephen: no, i know how to ride a motorcycle. i grew up in north carolina. >> what kind of motorcycle. >> stephen: a mini-bike. you didn't ask me to be on your show. i'm just curious. >> you can ride a mini bike on the show. >> stephen: i can ride a mini bike on my show? >> of course,. >> stephen: my wife won't let me. >> i hear that a lot. >> stephen: do you hear that a lot from men, "my wife won't let me do it?" >> yeah. >> stephen: they're dangerous. >> well, yeah, but... >> stephen: that's not an argument i can bring to my wife, "yeah, but, you know, i've had a good run." you went to my home state of north carolina with dave chappelle, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: did he ride before he did the show? i didn't know he-- >> yeah, he's a really g
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he's-- you know, i think he sort of started late in life, you know. when he turned 40, i think he got a bike. but he and i rode all over there. we rode down to savannah. >> stephen: that's now south carolina. that's georgia. >> we started in charleston. >> stephen: that's my home town. what did you like more, charleston or savannah? >> the thing is, charleston and savannah are sister city s. >> stephen: that's what savannah thinks. st. loui>> if you watch the epit the very end of twe were at a comedy store, and he walks on stage without anything exwb knowing it, and he kind of ribs them a little bit. and these are some good old boys who have been drinking and stuff. and he says a trump joke, didn't go over well. we just got back from charleston. and they were like, "boo." and he said, "wait a minute. they said the nicest stuff about you." and he turned that whole place into, like, a hippie
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>> stephen: really? >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: he said people in charleston said nice things about savannah? >> is that not true? >> stephen: it's not true. where did you go in south carolina. did you eat anything good when you were down there? the best food in the world is in south carolina. >> we went crawfishing. >> stephen: oh, really? >> yeah, and we put on the waders, went out in the mud, and ripped up crawfish, and ripped the heads off. >> stephen: really? >> and all sorts of stuff. >> stephen: oh, wow. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: we have a clip of you guys. where are you here? do you know where you are in this one? >> no. >> stephen: okay, that's no help. >> i can tell you afterward s. >> stephen: tell me what? >> i can tell you afterwards, after i see it. >> stephen: okay! okay! i might be abe to, also. >> okay, okay. >> stephen: afterwards. ( laughter ) jim.
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pics. awesome! ♪ ♪ >> thank you. >> hey, thanks. >> that's so funny. >> look this way. the light's better. >> i want my photo printed. look at this kid. young darrell dixon. >> bye, guys. >> yeah. ( applause )
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well it's a perfect nespresso hold on a second.orge. mmm. ♪ [mel torme sings "comin' home baby"]
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♪ where are we going? no don't tell me. let me guess. ♪ have a nice ride. ♪ how far would you go for coffee that's a cup above? i brought you nespresso. nespresso. what else? ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> i was a little younger with you standing in line for the ferris wheel at the county fair. i feel a white glove tap me on the shoulder. i spin around and there he is, "hey, kiddo. would you like a balloon." go ahead, laugh. it was funny. it wasn't funny back then, i can tell you that. i couldn't get him out of my head. every night, he would come to me in my dreams. every night when he came to me, i ran. >> stephen: please welcome sean astin. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers )
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meet you. >> finally! >> stephen: yeah, we met briefly during rehearsal. >> yeah. >> stephen: because you walked out on stage-- do we have this? i was in the middle-- >> i hate those embarrassing -- >> stephen: i was just trying to rehearse some of the material, and as i was trying to rehearse it, you walked out just to say hi in your underwear. and-- hey! i gotta tell you-- i gotta tell you, for me, it's like i'm the cheerleader meeting the captain of the football team because-- i know you're probably tired of thrg. but you were in this movie called "lord of the rings. of. >> i was. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: have you heard me talk buin that? you are my favorite character in my favorite movie. i am-- i don't know what-- how to describe how excited i am to meet you right now. >> let me just say-- first of all, the reason i did that, come out to see you like, that my 15-year-old daughter, elizabeth, begged me not to do anything to embarrass the family. ( laughter )
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now we'll weil get back to the normal part. you know more about "lord of the rings" than all of the people who made "lord of the rings" combined gli found out-- and it only slightly broke my heart, that you-- when you got the part, you knew nothing about "lord of the rings." >> my degree from u.c.l.a., is in english and american history-- or history in american literature and culture. >> stephen: okay. >> it's a british-- it's an english story. >> stephen: yes, it is. >> u.c.l.a., they're going to be mad they kind of-- actually, when my agent called me, she said, "honey, you have to have a flawless british accent by tuesday." this is eye real conversation. and i said okay. she said "pierce jackson is doing the 'lorld of the rings triology '" for new line. i didn't know what the "lord of the rings" part was. she said it's the sequel to the hobbit, the hobbit. honestly, i thought it was the "phantom tollbooth. glvment that's
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story. >> totally different. >> stephen: at any point did you read the books? >> yes. >> stephen: because they're pretty good. >> i-- i-- there were some that didn't. >> stephen: some on the-- in the cast? >> i'm not saying anything. >> stephen: who didn't read them. >> i'm not saying anything. >> but i read them cover to cover three times, and i absolutely love them. to me, it wasn't like being transported into another world. it was like work, you know. it was like i want to understand how would he hold the pipe? you know, how would -- >> stephen: right. >> how would-- all the little-- the little you in glansz they changed a few things about your character. >> okay, go on. and i have questions for you by the way. >> stephen: i'd love to answer your questions, be a guest on my own show. >> sorry. ( laughter ).
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problem for me. >> stephen: exactly. are you your own favorite character from "lord of the rings." sam is the hero, tolkien himself said sam is the hero of "lord of the rings." >> i think that sam would never in a million years want to be considered hero of that story so my official, on-the-record answer is no. i have two favorite characters. golum, the stinker, even though he keeps calling me stupid, fat hobbit, it's one of the more interesting characters. and tree beard. >> stephen: sure, yeah. >> i love tree beard. and soots so kind of-- i guess it's sort of typical and political whatever. during the industrial revolution, when you go across england, the smokestacks belching, and people were having lung problems and everything else, and tolkien wrote this story, and in the story he creates these trees, these slow, lumbering, thinking, talking trees that were just like my dad-- remember john aftin, gomez. >> stephen: yes. >> he's an imp. and that's it, ina
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and they come to life and fight to defend -- >> stephen: the forest. >> the forest and, yeah, and accident sceney and stuff. so i just love the idea of, like, whether or not man wants to acknowledge our part in what's happening with the environment, the environment doesn't care. it's going to come-- it's going to rise up and protect itself. >> stephen: i hope so. ( applause ) i hope so.
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unpacking elizabethan england or something. this great discovery. they have, like, historical advisers on the set to talk about what posters would be right to go on the set. so to me, like, the 80s is-- well, i don't know how old you are, but to me the 80s is-- he's kind of times, right? like, you can't even-- ( applause ) ( cheers ) you are. you are. anyhow, it is-- yes, it is a wonderful thing to work with these young performers, and wynonna rider and the fans love it to death, and i'm just blessed again to be invited to be a part of something special.
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( cheers and applause )
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good to be out. got kids at home. my wife and i have three, three under four. yeah, that's how people react. some people ask me what it's like. here's a fast fact-- 75% of the asses i wipe, aren't mine. ( laughter ) i got one in preschool. one from pre-preschool. did you know that existed, pre-preschool. my wife is like, "he wants to go. we have to sign him up. he wants to go to school." he wants to go to school? he doesn't know what school is. he wants to go to school, walk him out to the garage, here we are. this is our first day. here's a broom. we're going to learn how to sweep today. "he might be gifted." that's what my wife said. he was eating a crayon yesterday, a purple one, looks like you after a glass of wine. sometimes we'll take one. you know, i'll take one, my wife will take one, kind of divide and conquer. she took my daughter out the other need and sent a text, "staying out, thought you guys might like some boy time."
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really, they don't know it's boy time. text me when you're close so i can get rid of all the strippers and blow. "boy time?" what do you want to do? watch a game? throw the ball around. stand on the chair and flick the light switch on and off? what do you want to get into? take all the kleenex out of the box, one my one? that's awesome. don't worry about it. i'll just stuff them back in there. i'm just happy to be hanging out with the fell as. ( laughter ) yeah, we've got to get out to vegas. i get it. some of you don't have ciz kids. just pay attention anyway. i'm from the future. ( laughter ) probably in your 20s? enjoy that. i can't even talk about my 20s at home. i met my wife when i was 31. sometimes she'll ask me, "what were you doing in your 20s?" i'm just like, "nothing. i was looking for you." ( laughter ) "i thought you were in mexico one weekend." ( laughter ) yeah, now it's just all about the kid, you know. and we'rexh
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she tried to insult me the other day. she said, "you're not organized." i said, "ouch. i'm not organized." she acts like we met at the container store. i met terat a bar at noon. maybe that's a sign i have crap on my drers. i'm not putting them to bed tonight, so that makes me happy north putting my kids to bedda. that's the worst. you have to lie to them. that's what we do, lie every day. we're just like, "big day tomorrow." ( laughter ) "get some rest. you've got a big day tomorrow. big day! you're going to wake up and cry about broccoli. and keep us from having sex ( laughter ) sometimes they do have big days, though, these kids. over-scheduled. last week my wife was like, "you have to bring her to music, then swimming, then giof gymnastics. we should probably get a calendar." "no, we should probably cancel some stuff. start
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that doesn't run in our family. i feel like you sign your kid up for gymnastics you have bring the parn in the room test the gene pool. cartwheel, no, all right, we can't accept your child. ( laughter ) my daughter had ballet, and my wife is like, "get her dressed. she's got ballet." i said, "really, i have to get her dressed? maybe that's a sign these shooez not ready for the performing arts. maybe i should bring her to 'how to get dressed'. and then i'll drop her off at 'listening'." ( laughter ) yeah, she doesn't listen sometimes, you know. she's in the bath the other night, my daughter. "come out of the bath." "no,." "out of the tub." no i'm staying there for a couple of whielz. fine stay in there a couple of whiles. that's how crazy it is. you start speaking their language. and i'm standing there and i
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whiles is, so i just wait a while, twice. laugh just answering questions. that's my life now. that's what you do. when you have little kids, you answer a million questions. every day is a huge press conference. it starts in the morning "how come there are holes in my cheerios." "just eat it. what do you want to hear? that's profit for general mills" my son wanted to know why the inside of our windows were frosted. dude, that's science. i went to cag school. no clue. ( laughter ) "when is magoing to be moment?" that's a big one i get. "when is mom going to be home?" "don't you think i'm wondering the same thing. i don't know. how about this, when i start paying attention to you, she's close." ( laughter ) ( applause ) when i put my phone on the counter, she's in the driveway!
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>> stephen: you can see him november 22 at zanies comedy club in rosemont, illinois. pat mcgann, everyone! we'll be right back. ♪ music i was diagnosed with hiv in 2016, but i didn't want my life to just...stop. i wondered if starting treatment would put my life on hold. my doctor and i chose triumeq, it seemed like the right fit for me. triumeq is one pill a day. any time of day. with or without food. now, i'm moving forward with triumeq. triumeq treats hiv-1 in adults, and does not cure hiv or aids. don't take triumeq by itself if you're resistant to any of it's ingredients. don't take triumeq at all if you're allergic to any of its ingredients, or have a certain gene variation. serious or fatal allergic reactions have occurred with triumeq and other abacavir containing medicines. sympms may include fever, rash, nausea, and vomiting. for a full list, see the warning card that comes with your medicine. if you have an allergic reaction, don't take triumeq... ...or the medicines in it again.
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if you take dofetilide or have liver problems. serious side effects include lactic acid buildup, heart attack, or liver problems. if you're female, obese, or take nucleoside analogues, you may be at greater risk. if you have hepatitis b or c, it may get worse. tell your doctor if you have liver, kidney, or heart problems, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, or hepatitis b or c, if you smoke, drink alcohol or if you are, or planning to be, pregnant or breastfeeding. some medicines may interact with triumeq, so tell your doctor about any medicines or supplements you take. the most common side effects include trouble sleeping, headache, and tiredness. i'm moving forward... ...with triumeq. to learn more, get this free kit at positivestepskit.com. and ask your doctor if triumeq is right for you.
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late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be william h. macy, jay pharoah, and musical guest rationale. now, stick around for an all-new james
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good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and ge

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