tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC February 4, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
lionel richie, "this week in unnecessary censorship," and music from sir elton john, with cleto and the cletones. and now, you'd better believe it, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. very nice. you know, today is a special birthday, today is facebook's birthday. which just like every other birthday we only know because
facebook turned 12 years old today. and it's hard to believe it's only been 12 years since i learned to hate every single person i know. like most 12-year-olds, facebook spent most of the day on snapchat today. but it's kind of funny. facebook, they've been online kind of celebrating their own birthday. considering the fact that facebook kind of ruined birth daze. before facebook, somebody said happy birthday, it meant something. it meant they remembered. now you spend two seconds typing "happy b-d, man, keep crushing" and you're done. i preferred cake. earlier tonight in new hampshire there was another debate between hillary clinton and bernie sanders. they've already had so many debates they're starting to run out of things to fight about. tonight they sat there quietly like an old married couple at a restaurant. last night in new hampshire, hillary and bernie took part in a town hall event on cnn. one of the people in the crowd asked bernie sanders about the possibility that if he was elected and re-elected, he would
and i think what these people don't realize is -- let's go this is bernie sanders' class photo. there he is, he's on the basketball team. he was very active. and they named him most likely to mall walk. so the point i'm trying to make is bernie sanders has always been 83 years old. and he will always be 83 years old. there's nothing -- there's one curious sighting in the audience last night at the town hall event which was a democratic event. now, this guy right here in the bottom left-hand corner, does he look familiar at all? he does because i'll tell you who that is. that's ted cruz in disguise. scoping out the competition. maybe he's secretly a democrat, i don't know. ted cruz's wife revealed that the way ted alleviates stress is
for real. whenever he's feeling anxious or overwhelmed, like right before a debate, he calls her and sings broadway show tunes into the telephone. make no mistake he still believes that marriage is a sacred union between one guy and one doll, okay? this is pretty crazy. some people get very excited about the candidate they support. and there are tattoo shops now in i think vermont and new hampshire giving people free tattoos of bernie sanders. or at least part of him. and if you're a supporter on the other side, you can get a very poorly drawn tattoo of donald trump. which looks more like a bloated martin sheen, really, right? you know, donald trump somehow made the list of nominees for the nobel peace prize. he's on the list, right next to pope francis, which might seem ludicrous because it is. ludicrous. but trump is excited about it. he might be the first person
prize consideration. >> i'm donald trump. i love peace. i'm the most peaceful guy i know. and i know a lot of people. my golf courses are probably the most peaceful places in the world. my hotels? you can hear a pin drop because the maids aren't allowed to talk. when i'm president, i'm going to make the world such a peaceful place, you won't believe it. you're going to be so happy with the peace, you're going to say, thank you, i love it. so do i deserve a prize for peace? i think so. i mean, who are you going to give it to? this guy? look what he drives. what is that, a fiat? believe me, you don't want your nobel paets prize winner driving a loser car like that. it reflects badly on peace. this nobel season it's time to honor the most peaceful man in the world, and maybe history. there's no one more peaceful than me.
oh my god! the hostile takeover of donald trump! >> donald trump, a man of peace. >> oh no! >> paid for by me. i pay for everything myself. that's how rich i am. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is crazy too. here in california somebody bought a lottery ticket that turned out to be worth $63 million. the deadline to cash it in was today. no one showed up to claim it. so now the money goes to california public schools. what a waste, you know? [ laughter ] you just hate to see that happen. the story's especially painful to me because losing a winning lottery ticket is definitely something i would do. for whatever reason the winner didn't show up today. maybe the person wasn't in it
the ticket understands that victory sometimes is its own reward. no? the super bowl's on sunday. denver broncos will play the carolina panthers. you know, between the super bowl and this new o.j. simpson show, this has been a very big week for broncos. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the super bowl is not only the most important sporting event of the year, it's also a disappointingly short beyonce concert. beyonce is doing the halftime show with coldplay, lady gaga is going to sing the national anthem which is weird. wonder if francis scott key thought, someday this song will be sung by a woman wearing a dress made of beef. programming during the game, like the puppy bowl, e! network announced they'll be running a 12-hour "keeping up with the kardashians" marathon on sunday. which i'm not sure how that's different from their schedule
do they even have other shows? one of the more interesting as pecks of the super bowl is all the different things you can bet on. it's not just who will win or lose or the total points or the point spread. you can bet on what are known as propositions or prop bets. they come up with creative ways -- i thought it would be fun to go through some of them. come over here. you don't really have to come anywhere, i'll go over here. one of the most interesting propositions on what they call the board is about cam newton and his touchdown celebration. cam newton is the quarterback for the carolina panthers. if he scores a rushing touchdown, what will he do first? you can bet on that. if he, for instance -- let's get guillermo in here. guillermo? you can help us with this. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: okay, so if cam newton -- this is a real thing you can bet on. are you going to hit me with that football? all right.
and you bet on it, you'll win $180 for every $100 you bet. show us exactly how cam newton would dance, guillermo. >> jimmy: that's the cam newton dance. you keep dancing throughout this. will the panthers players -- keep dancing -- who score the first touchdown give the football to a boy or a girl? sometimes they give the ball to people in the crowd. if it's a boy the odds are 1-2, bet $100, win $200. if a girl, bet $300 to win $200 -- do they assume there are more boys or girls in the stands? this is real, keep dancing, what color will beyonce's foot wear be when she comes onstage for the halftime show? black pays 3-2, gold brown is 5-2, white is 2.75-1, silver/gray is 4.75-1. any other color is 7-1 odds.
get nothing at all. will peyton manning announce his retirement in the postgame interview? yes is 5-1. no means you get $1,000 to win $100. will peyton manning cry during the postgame interview? yes is 6-1. no is negative 1,500. no, peyton manning will not cry, papa john does not allow peyton manning to cry. this one is morbid, will there be an earthquake during the game? you can bet on this. if you bet yes and there is an earthquake during the game and you survive, you get 10 times your money. and you go to hell. you can stop dancing now, guillermo. thank you. >> guillermo: thank you. >> jimmy: thank you, you did a great job. more americans gamble on the super bowl than any other sporting event. you don't have to wait for sports to gamble. i sent my cousin sal to the mirage hotel in vegas to roam around like some sort of
proposition bets of his own. >> sal: sir, i will give you $20 if you tell me the sex of the next person that walks out of these elevators. >> female. >> sal: female, all right. let's watch and wait. why female? >> just a guess. >> sal: just a guess? are you usually right about these things? >> yeah, usually. >> sal: how much have you won off this game before? >> sal: oh! are you a guy or a girl? you're a guy, right? yeah. sorry, you lost. that's totally a guy. man or woman? >> woman. >> sal: woman, all right. let's see. and it is -- oh! oh, so close! the man wins. so much fun, though, wasn't it? oh my god. i will give you $20 if you tell me exactly how many ice cubes are in that lady's drink right there. >> which lady's? >> sal: right there, sitting alone. >> five.
let's go check. hi, how you doing? how you doing? >> oh no! >> sal: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11 -- like 14, sorry, you lose. thanks, ma'am, appreciate it. >> oh no! >> sal: sir, let me ask you something. i'm going to give you money. come here. i'm going to give you $20 if you can tell me if these two at the end of the bar are married. are they married? >> yes. >> sal: they are married? lease find out. come here. come with me. excuse me. excuse me. you guys aren't married, are you? >> [ bleep ]. >> sal: he said you were, what a weirdo. sorry. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have to take a break.
this unrecognizable symbol. looks like something that would be in the corner of a credit card. here's the question. is it a good idea to drastically redesign your logo when 90% of the people who use your app are too drunk to stand up? [ laughter ] you walk out of a bar, you get out of your phone -- where did my uber -- where the hell did uber go? for those who are too good for uber this might be of interest. a car dealer in texas is using ebay to sell a six-ton truck that was once owned by arnold schwarzenegger. what i would like you to do is i would like you to really do this close your eyes right now.
yeah! whoo! >> yeah! i'm so lonely. >> dicky: don't settle for delivery on game day. make the right call with fresh-baked digiorno pizza. it's not delivery, it's digiorno. >> jimmy: be right back with lie kneel ritchie! [ cheers and applause ] hey clay, it's cool if we order some delivery? it's time for you guys to make the right call. we're having digiorno pizza, fresh-baked in my own oven. okay.
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>> jimmy: welcome back. still to come, music from elton john. our next guest is a legendary singer and songwriter. next week he will be honored as music cares person of the year. april 27th he begins a residency at planet hollywood in las vegas. please say hello because it's him we're looking for to lionel richie! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi.
being honored by music cares which as great charity which is a great honor for i think, well, some of the people that have been honored as music cares person of the year. carol king, bruce springsteen, barbra streisand, paul mccartney, neil diamond, now you will be honored. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's pretty great. >> you know, i have been a fan of the business for so long. even i try to be calm when people say to me, oh my god, music cares, do you know the people in the background. yes, dylan. yes, mccartney. then i get home and i go, yes! oh my god. >> jimmy: the list of performers. this event -- first of all, i'm hosting. >> you're hosting, thank you, by the way. >> jimmy: which is enough, really. that's it. [ cheers and applause ] that's all anybody needs. on top of that, rihanna will be there. performing one of your songs. lenny kravitz, usher, chris
grohl, stevie wonder, the band perry, ellie goulding, lake brunt, gary clark jr., pharell, and apparently more, it says "more." >> if ever there were a night where i'm going to be excited just to be there, but they're singing my songs. then at the end they said, lionel, would you sing? uh, yeah! yeah! >> are there going to be any songs left for you to sing at the end of the night? >> there are going to be. it's such an honor when your peers come out and they really -- they want to sing your songs. luke bryant, for example. he wants to just -- he'll sing all the songs. he tickles me. lionel, if i could do "penny lover." i said, you can't. >> jimmy: who is doing "penny lover"? >> i don't know. it can't be a guy. doesn't work. >> jimmy: wait a minute, you're a guy. >> i know. in the great words of one disk jockey, he said, penny lover, lionel's a cheap lover, the worst. >> jimmy: i assumed penny was the girl's name.
said oh my god, lionel was eating a bowl of cash. >> jimmy: yeah, right. very well put. >> i was laughing so hard backstage i had to bring that up. >> jimmy: you were laughing so hard, coins were shooting out of your nose, gold coins. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] deserved. >> i set that up. >> jimmy: this is one of my favorite albums. this is right in the heart of my -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what became of the outfit? do you still have that? >> i still have the green sweater. >> you do? >> oh yeah. one of these days long down the road somewhere there's going to be a lionel richie museum. either that or my son's going to sell it. >> jimmy: you better get that -- >> i mean, i have that. >> jimmy: what about this? [ cheers and applause ] thanks for all your love, lionel richie. when i got this album, oh, he signed it for me. >> yeah, let me just say, after
thanks a lot. >> jimmy: that's good. there you are. "miami vice." >> that's before "miami vice." >> jimmy: this is the real one. [ cheers and applause ] whose idea was this? >> oh, of course that was the last shot. i remember that so well. the guy gave me this pole, said just jump up on the pole. i don't think it's going to read well for my career. >> jimmy: this was a mistake? >> that was a mistake. >> jimmy: you haven't made many but this was a mistake. >> that could have wiped out the bank account right there. >> jimmy: that will make a great thing in the lionel richie museum. the yellow pole that lionel humiliated himself on. >> no, no, i got rid of that pole so fast. you know what i should have kept? what i should have kept was the head. >> jimmy: the hello bust, absolutely.
telling bob jeraldi, that bust does not look like me. >> jimmy: it did not. >> it worried me because i'm thinking, it doesn't look like me. when we got ready to shoot it he said, lionel, she's blind. >> jimmy: a blind person? for a blind person it's a great sculpture. >> pretty good. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: bob's no dummy. >> jimmy: you're also going to have a residency in las vegas. the first time i saw you in concert i was in high school in las vegas. and i bought tickets. i was excited. you were at caesar's palace at the time. and i thought, oh, yeah i'll get a girl to go with me to the concert. and i did get a girl. that girl turned out to be my mother. because i couldn't get -- >> you took your mother? >> jimmy: i took my mother. >> i was going to say, oh, who came out to be your wife? but your mother. >> jimmy: even closer than a wife in a way. >> here's what i want to do. since that's your home and i know you're a triple threat when
career -- >> jimmy: i know a lot about you. >> i'm putting this out there, when i'm there for the residency, come onstage and sing your favorite song. >> jimmy: i would love to. [ cheers and applause ] i'll sing all of them with you. >> no, no. you do not have any idea. this guy knows more about me -- >> jimmy: he got a little weirded out when i started talking about these things. >> at a party one night, he's sitting there and starts telling me about every detail of my career. world." he knows the details behind "we are the world." he knows the commodores. commodores. i'm thinking to myself, this is a weird guy. then i realized. so now when i write my book, i may need you to refresh me on what i did. forget that i'll just write the book for you, no problem. we'll put one of those pictures -- get the photographer who did the thing with the pole. >> done. >> jimmy: when are you going to
>> most of the people i want to write about are not dead yet. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you've got to wait. >> wait a little longer. they have the juicy stuff. i got to kind of wait awhile. >> jimmy: i see. >> if i want to do a humanitarian book about -- >> jimmy: a boring book, you can do it now. if you want to do the real book -- >> i got to wait a couple more years until everybody passes away. i'm hoping i'm not on that list leaving before i write the book. they tell me to write the book then put it in storage. >> jimmy: right, let nicole keep an eye on it. >> right. >> jimmy: i'm looking forward to this event. i think it's going to be great. i absolutely will come to see you. not only that, i understand that you brought tickets for everyone in our studio audience to see you in las vegas. >> wow. that's right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: lionel richie! man of the year, person of the year. he'll be in las vegas april 27th
>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank jason sudeikis, lionel richie, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. i feel terrible about it. "nightline" is next. but first, his album "wonderful crazy night" comes out tomorrow, here with the song "blue wonderful" sir elton john! [ cheers and applause ] every breath is a prayer of some kind i breathe in i breathe out i just breathe and you're so well blue wonderful
like swimming in your eyes i dive in i dive deep i just swim and lose myself in you blue wonderful blue wonderful again don't you know where you go i will follow in your footsteps i find my own feet addicted like i am to the blues two kinds of blue are all the blues i need yesterday that's someone else's song in sixty-five summertime long ago long before you came blue wonderful the blue wonderful i know age is something i just left behind in the past far away used to be
go where you go i will follow in your footsteps i find my own feet addicted like i am to the blues two kinds of blue are all the blues i need every breath is a prayer of some kind i breathe in i breathe out i just breathe and you're so well blue wonderful like swimming in your eyes i dive in i dive deep i just swim and lose myself in you blue wonderful blue wonderful again and lose myself in you blue wonderful blue wonderful blue wonderful blue wonderful