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2015 36
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Search Results 0 to 35 of about 36 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Jul 2, 2015 2:07am PDT
roman candle. >> let's not forget what a [bleep] king george was back if the day, the third one king george the third. all right, for example he plundered our seas rafaged our coast burned our towns and destroyed the lives of our people. we are absolved from our allegiance to the british crown. [bleep] yeah america. >> that is-- that is a [bleep] of grievances and it was written 239 years ago so, there must be some more recent stuff the british do to piss us off. in the spirit of our nation's independence give us updated british-- oh my god, your hair. please give us some updated other british grievances. in 60 seconds and begin. >> arden. >> they have allowed cumberbatch to be a last name. >> points. >> is that sheer hand kid british. >> i think so. >> points. >> james calling a president a prime minister, i mean. >> come on. >> simon cowell's pointy nips. they're so pointy. >> a travesty. >> points. >> what about [bleep] mumford and sons. >> points. >> i always hated absolutely fabulous. >> what? >> no that's a good show. >> you're [bleep] wrong. >> you're wrong again. just like yo
Comedy Central
Mar 26, 2015 2:07am PDT
george takei. >> george takei. >> it's takei first of all. >> guys, you got to dream large and live larger because it is all of the above. these pem are all this there. 100% points to steve ag ee. not just them there are so many more. ♪ ♪ ♪. >> did you call that the really expendables? >> yes, they z a hundred points, in that trailer it was classically trained death machine liam neeson as liam neeson respond to your agent after you are offered a part in the entourage movie steve agee. >> okay but no butt stuff. >> points. >> tom lennon. >> listen very carefully to me right now. if you think that academy award nominee oscar schindler is being to be in the [bleep] entourage movie wait wait they got the girl from the blurred lines video? (laughter) >> points. >> what time and where? did he-- de turn into a leprechaun. >> he did. i hope no one tries to steal liam's lucky charms. >> straight up racist. >> straight up racist. and the irish-- aren't a race, come on. >> they're white people, you can make fun of them. >> thank god. >> (applause) >> funny. all right today a shockwave ma
Comedy Central
Jan 13, 2015 1:31am PST
favorite murderous potato head george zimmerman was arrested over the weekend on domestic abuse charges for allegedly throwing a bottle of wipe at his girlfriend. making sure he is staying on brand. reporting that a court appearance his lawyer told the press that george is quote hasn't been very lucky with the ladies. he's also not good with kids. >> a good way to put it comedians how would this lawyer describe other notable pieces of [bleep]. >> chris brown has a lot of extra hand energy. >> points. >> mr. maron. >> bill kosby is a great comedian. >> points. >> john hodgman. >> jeffrey dahmer foodie. >> well played gentlemen and lady. >> that is how we stick the landing at the end of rapid refresh. now time for the hashtag wars. earlier tonight the college football season came to a head bashing climax as oregon took on ohio statement so in honor of the mascot battle of duck versus buckeyes i hope that is a nut of some kind. the hashtag is four accurate mascots. for example tonight's game would have been the oregon crunchy vegan versus the ohio state dying rust belt. the u.c.l.a
Comedy Central
Jun 16, 2015 12:01am PDT
one this very timely george w. bush toilet. >> on the next jeb! >> chris: matt lucas. >> exact replica of the one al gore has in his home. >> chris: yes. points. points. >> also comes in barbara. >> i would guess george hasn't done that in quite a long time. >> chris: last one. this aquarium (bleep)er. >> very respectful to the fish. >> chris: matt lucas. >> keep your fish close to their final resting place. >> chris: points. staring into the abyss at all times. >> chris: that's the end of the real "game of thrones". >> time for our next game, big trouble in little penis. millions of basketball fans were scandal lized when cameras brought a glimpse of lebron james mvp penis during the game four of to, game four of the nba finals and wait there it is. there it is! and one more time. and there it is again! >> and is that a loop or does he just keep doing it? lebron's three-pointer was considered a bad omen in brooklyn where the third annual smallest penis in brooklyn contest was a thing that was also happening in brooklyn this weekend. we are not making this up. so comedians, as a pagean
Comedy Central
Jan 22, 2015 12:01am PST
expectation. in related news of the wars. -- reporting that disney decided to not use george lucas's idea for the new triology. -- for 4 billion could feel kind of bummed out about it. with episodes one through three in mind i would like you to give me as many other rejected george lucas items-- ideas let's put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. >> luke and leia are zapped with a forget ray and -- >> finally close the deal. >> yeah, points. >> all right. rory. >> four more sons on tatwin. >> one whole movie dedicated to cp 3 o's one man show. >> points. >> emily. >> full frontal chewbacca. >> points. >> rory. >> two words rapping yoda. >> i agree with you. >> enrene. >> a lot more on the trade embargo stuff. >> yes, absolutely of course. points. >> that brings to us the end of i've got a bad feeling about this rene, are you in third place sadly and we must eliminate you. do you-- do you-- do you have any last words before we let you go? >> yes rory promised me we were going to wear denim shirts today. >> yeah, that was before my family was abducted. (laughter) >> in light of that, i would
Comedy Central
Apr 24, 2015 2:05am PDT
live taping at the jazz center in sant cruz tomorrow night jordan morris. >> george morris are you are playing for@blamehockey52. boo! >> you have two guys from like really critically acclaimed tv show and then a dude with a pod cast. >> yeah. >> so. >> and the dude with pod cast is dressed like a dude with a pod cast. (laughter) (applause) >> you might be on cable but i talk about my dic and game of tloens for an hour every-- thrones every week. i bet you guys feel silly. >> i do. >> let's start the program ripped from the internethead lines it's rapid refresh. (cheers and applause) >> now we all have days where we want to leave it all behind put it on a spotted dog costume sulk australian the bar to baha men's who let the dogs out. he knows what i'm talking about. ♪ who let the dogs out ♪ ♪ who who who ♪ ♪ who let the dog out ♪ ♪. >> this name is peppa lass becoming an internet sensation. someone just -- snorted in the front row. does the second row-- that was-- this is snort-worthy material, a goat in a [bleep] dog costume? it takes a special goat to make the baha
Comedy Central
Jun 12, 2015 2:13am PDT
might be the bread wedding or john snowcone or george rib rib martin. i will put 60 sontiond the clock now and begin. >> therian miossuo. >> ham on the throne. >> i've never seened show. laugh lev. >> kyle. >> king size stickers. >> chris. >> a song of rice and fire. >> yes, points. >> hodgman. >> unnecessarily gratuitous broccoli rappe scene. >> jesus. >> oh my gosh. opinions points. >> kyle. >> dragooon. they are dragons and macaroons. >> hodgman. >> winter is human. >> yes points. >> that's the end of the #wars send us your #game of thrones food and tag them to keep the game goingment we'll be back with more. >> congratulations to what do you think? when i first sit in the seat it makes me think of a bmw. i feel like i'm in a lexus. you would think that this was a brand new audi. it's like a luxury car. feels kind of like an infinity. very similar to a range rover. this is pretty high tech. yeah it is. it reminds me of a mercedes. ♪ this is chevy? laughing i have a new appreciation for chevy. they thought about me. i could totally rock this. this thing feels pretty boss. it
Comedy Central
Mar 5, 2015 12:01am PST
answers the long end asked question what if george par tin were taylor swift. >> ♪ ♪ it's all right ♪ ♪ i crossed off another name ♪ ♪ you could say i'm insane ♪ ♪ cuz you know i love king slayers ♪ ♪ and you love games ♪ ♪. >> all right. so comedians, i would like you to please give me some taylor swift songs for game of tloechbs, esther. >> we are never ever getting back together because my brother has a bigger dick than you. >> points. >> that would be an amazing song. >> bryan callen. >> i ain't your ho but stab me with your sword. >> oh points. >> neal. >> chop it off. >> points points. >> winner. >> now it's time to play the rap game the rap game. all right. youtubeer best come correct if you want to break into the rap game yo. what just happened? i blacked out. comediansing i'm going to show you rappers at the bottom the game. for 250 you have to give a fitting rap name this british import. >> spill some beans spill some and-- way way. >> bryan. >> m.c. human emoji. >> points. esther. >> too many eminem. >> perfect. perfect. >> what about cabbage patch kid
Comedy Central
Jun 18, 2015 12:01am PDT
congratulations on your box office smash, george clooney "tomorrowland." >> chris: these are all wonderful tattoos. it's time to start @midnight. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: a phenomenal panel for you on a wednesday night. from the cancel podcast performing at the blue whale comedy festival in tulsa oklahoma this weekend, chris cubas. ( cheers and applause ) one of my favorite people in the world, from harto on youtube author of my drunk kitchen, available in bookucbstore.coms now, you should buy it, hannah hart is here. ( cheers and applause ) cohost of many podcasts, most recently talk salad and scrambled eggs. that is an actual podcast he is making. >> yup. >> chris: right after james bonding which is all about james bond. >> uh-huh. >> chris: ladies and gentlemen matt mira. ( cheers and applause ) let's start this program. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." ( cheers and applause ) the video game conference and enthusiasm orgy known as e3 is happening in l.a. this week, a
Comedy Central
Jul 23, 2015 12:01am PDT
george turned two years old today. one year closer to supreme rule and cloaking the earth in darkness. here he is in a battle blouse in w. his brand new fangs. until now little george has had what he has needed to maintain his blood born right. i'm sure they missed. what are gifts to be stow on this insanely rich 2-year-old who has everything. ashley. >> just one night with dora the explorer. >> chris: points. >> a [beep] crown for his [beep] head. >> chris: points. >> direct sunlight. chris: points. >> baby wipes moist ened with peasant tears. >> chris: points. >> a bouncy castle. >> a cure for hemophilia. >> a kilo of cure cocaine. >> a swifter to dust his grandmother. >> chris: jade. >> his foreskin back. chris: perfect. the end of the little prince. i see jade, adam completely rules on that last game to pull ahead. any last words. >> i guess everyone watch "the jim gaffigan show" it's been good to be here. [ applause ] >> chris: it's time to make shia lebeouf look reasonable. it's time for the win. alright. alright. alright, okay. you need to wake up. #wakeup. jayden smith is back
Comedy Central
Feb 4, 2015 2:06am PST
attention grabbing headlines like my career as a teenage female wrestler and george lopez gave me a make over. i want you to come up with as many fake headlines as you possibly can. i'm going to put 60 seconds on the clock and go. >> i lived in italy for six weeks and now my dick pulls itself out in public. >> i watched you sleep last night. >> i was a child bride at 83. i>> i used to [bleep] with raccoons a lot and that's how i lost this eye. >> i just had a -- with justin bieber and had a tall -- >> i see you were barely in third place by 50 points. i'm so sorry we must eliminate you. >> no. >> do you have any last words before we set you free? lbto get to like people again. >> it's time for unlimited sports. an amazing mother daughter sex exchange because she buys her clothes at calls co-doesn't mean she doesn't know how to rage. i love you so]n much sweetie. tina says hi. we're at ob garden. two for one chardonnay. drink some water mom and then the mom says i'm so happy i decided to keep you. >> do you know why? because when you're at olvie garden we're [bell rings] you're not mr. cr
Comedy Central
Mar 4, 2015 2:07am PST
other freeñr pancake day descriptions? >> no crying while georgeing. >> you must beçó this wide to ride. >> chris: i likeÑi it. jessica go. >> maybe wear a tee shirt that says i'm too cheap to buy 3 pancakes. >> chris: yes. >> part of the offerÑi is you haveÑi to skype withÑi a third world country while you eat them. >> chris: no. let's startÑi "@midnight." [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight'sñr comediansÑi kevin smith. [ applause ] >> how are you doing mr. smith. >> it's been a tough tough two weeks. i lost my dog and a brother-in-law. it was tough. i thought do i come and make jokes. that's the point of living. i came to make jokes. >> good. >> come here.Ñi come here. >> guess what it's pancake day. it's pancake day. >> nobody dies on pancake day. >> that's a line from like "die hard" or wesley snipes moving. i think diet hard. >> chris: oh, he came to play. a hundred points for kevin smith. nerdinews and the nerdist podcast jessica! >> at the world famous spinorama dome in hollywood -- matt mi
Comedy Central
Jun 23, 2015 2:13am PDT
george cass tanza night ::j]](urjñ giveaway night. but the angels rookie league affiliate orrin owls which sounds like the new defense against the dark arts teacher recently found themselves in a hoot load of trouble with their proposed god i wish i was kidding caucasian heritage night. oh no. even the ghost of ty cobb was like that's racist. now reacting to backlash turned their heads 180 degrees and cancelled the promotion. so comedians, i would like you to pitch me, some other poorly conceived minor league promotions in 60 seconds and begin. >> sara. >> duggers-- duggars in the dugout night. >> points. >> you couldn't fit them all in there. >> unregistered sex offender night. >> points. >> come shake hands with the rock's niece night. >> points. >> m night, you were dead the whole time. >> so good. >> points. >> unvaccinated child night. >> points. >> night of too many scars. >> yes. >> too many. >> points. >> jay. >> one in the stink night. >> part of their back door promotion. open up to it and understand what they do. >> points. >> this is quite a predictment because are you bo
Comedy Central
Apr 10, 2015 12:01am PDT
time to play star words. a long time ago in a gal axy near san francisco george lucas invented a war that happened in the stars. six blockbuster movies and millions of continues later we still have no idea what the hell r2-d2 was saying so in anticipation of the first of digital release of the center wars franchise on friday april 10th we have been given a unique opportunity. we are finally going to find out what r 2 was saying tox help us with this insurmountable task please welcome, the galaxy's most decorated astra mcdroid r2-d2. (applause) (cheers and applause) >> thank you so much for joining us r2. >> are you too much. you know i hope your flight was okay. >> they lost your luggage? >> all right. well this is how this game is going to without. comedians i'm going to show you an easily licensed -- from the new digital release of star wars. and your job is to tell the audience what you think r2 was actually saying during that scene. you good? okay, good i don't think any of them are -- >> well they're going to have to try their best. >> take it down a notch. all right. if r2 like
Comedy Central
May 20, 2015 12:01am PDT
park with george trying to score weed. >> chris: points. >> into the woods because they just (bleep) ten dave & busters there. >> chris: points. >> -- no homo. >> chris: points. that's the end of hashtag wars. please send us your hashtag #brobroadway to keep the game going. we will be right back with more at bro night. >> the winner oh of last night's hashtag was sent to u [ male announcer ] digiorno? or delivery? ♪ ♪ digiorno? or delivery? taste for yourself why the shortest distance between you and a delicious, fresh-baked pizza, is your oven. thankfully, it's not delivery. it's digiorno. huh, fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. everybody knows that. well, did you know genies can be really literal? no. what is your wish? no...ok...a million bucks! oh no... geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. our pizza hut big flavor dipper pizza is almost two-feet of pizza. whoa. you're gonna need a bigger car. get the new big flavor dipper pizza with four flavorful sauces and a free pepsi 2-liter with online orde
Comedy Central
Apr 29, 2015 12:01am PDT
george trying to score weed. >> chris: points. >> into the woods because they just (bleep) ten dave & busters there. >> chris: points. >> -- no homo. >> chris: points. that's the end of hashtag wars. please send us your hashtag #brobroadway to keep the game going. we will be right back with more at bro night. >> the winner oh of last night's hashtag was sent to u (phone ringing) hey. hey, i was going to order a pizza and watch the game. you in? order a pizza to your home? yea well do these pizza people bring you rounds of beers, walls of televisions and fried pickles? awwe, your at b-dubs? yea dude, just get down here man. can ellis come? ohh ellis. uh-uh uhh, no no, no ellis man. watch this... (soda bottle crunching) (ellis laughing) introducting b-dubs fast break lunch menu with solid lunch deals for dine in or take out. weekdays from 11am to 2pm. so, what brings you to jersey? well, geico's the #1 auto insurer in new jersey, new york and connecticut. so i just came by to say "thanks." #1, huh? that's great. here you go. a little token of appreciation. oh, that's... that's... that
Comedy Central
Feb 26, 2015 2:07am PST
deadwood wasn't he great? >> yeah yeah. but the point is that george lucas didn't even sue people when they made fan pick because he was aware it helped the brand. this is probably the best thing to happen to power rangers since ever. i mean this dead eye zillionaire should appreciate it's one big commercial for the multibillion with a b dollar franchise that he actually didn't even really create to begin with. he basically just repurposed old foodage. which is kind of like making a fan film. now if you are going to go after fan videos how did these guys escape the eye of tharon. >> man son where did you find this? >> how many of those clowns are still in that car. >> i mean look i get that you want to make another movie. they are in the process of making a power rangers movie but it is a dick move to squash the fan base that would be the ones to see it. if you watched the power rangers you are now of age to see a grittier version telephone. the power rangers are the crappy sci-fi puppet show at best. you watched it because you were a kid and you didn't have anything else and you
Comedy Central
Mar 25, 2015 2:07am PDT
? >> chris, you would be agent smolder. an even hotter version of david ducovney. you're george as i right ladies. [cheers and applause] >> ya. chris: first of all i'm going to give you points. when you consider the possibility is it possible to think we're alone. i don't think so. the truth is out. there ben gleib? [laughing] >> molder and scully investigate chris the man who has not ages since 1994 and jenny mccarthy who has. >> chris: oh. >> just a little. chris: points. i should of been more spefrbg with the hashtag. hardwickonxfiles2015 make it happen i beg you. now it's time for the hashtag wars. [cheers and applause] [ applause ] >> chris: the top images today was a lesson in taxonomy captioned "ex girlfriends be like -- bobbers and drifters, squirters and grabbers, creepers and clingers." [laughing] >> chris: so for y'all breaking up with the creepers and the clingers and the squirters and grabbers. tonight's hashtag is my ex in five words. use my scotum as a pinata or [beep] many of my friends. >> wouldn't stop [beep]ing my dad. >> chris: points. ben. >> crazy -- hris: points. ben
Comedy Central
Jul 1, 2015 2:07am PDT
boy george. (cheers and applause) jim gaffigan is here tomorrow. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) >> chris: it's 11:59 and 60 seconds. happy leap second day. yeah, you didn't know. this happened on mashable.com today. get your phones even closer to your radiated faces because it's social media day. ( cheers and applause ) oh man! so great this really necessary annual holiday was started by mashable to celebrate the thing we do with 96% of our wakes lives and it's finally here. it seems it comes sooner and sooner in the last couple of years it's been invented. if you've been a really good poster this year, you might even get a visit from snapchat santa and his sack. ( laughter ) they blurred out the elf there they blurred out the elf. we here at "@midnight" owe social media a lot. how else would i know i'm an unfunny dick head and get in the way of south park reruns. social media has changed the world. it's toppled regimes and given us this. >> you got this make them wait for it. boom! so, comedians, how are you going to celebrate social media day? jonah ray? >> i'm going
Comedy Central
Apr 29, 2015 2:05am PDT
bag. >> chris: points. >> sunday in the park with george trying to score weed. >> chris: points. >> into the woods because they just (bleep) ten dave & busters there. >> chris: points. >> -- no homo. >> chris: points. that's the end of hashtag wars. please send us your hashtag #brobroadway to keep the game going. we will be right back with more at bro night. >> the winner oh of last night's hashtag was sent to u introducing lunch at outback every bloomin' day! hurry in for all your outback favorites. plus new aussie tacos, new savory ribeye melt and our delicious burgers. over 70 lunch combinations starting at just $6.99. it's lunch at last every day at outback. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. i am taking you across the country in our funcomfortable tour, i will be in new york and boston, tickets are still available, go to funcomfortable tours.com and now time to play easy access. the thanks to youtube we can relive the low-def magic that happened when ordinary people tried to make television on public access. of course when i say ordinary people i mean lsd ravaged lunatics
Comedy Central
May 20, 2015 2:09am PDT
importance of being a douche bag. >> chris: points. >> sunday in the park with george trying to score weed. >> chris: points. >> into the woods because they just (bleep) ten dave & busters there. >> chris: points. >> -- no homo. >> chris: points. that's the end of hashtag wars. please send us your hashtag #brobroadway to keep the game going. we will be right back with more at bro night. >> the winner oh of last night's hashtag was sent to u the switch to t-mobile is on. even verizon customers are seeing the light. t-mobile has america's fastest 4g lte network from the bay area to the big apple. and more data capacity per customer. need one more reason? get two lines of unlimited 4g lte data for a hundred bucks save without settling on america's fastest 4g lte network at banana boat, we test our broad spectrum sunscreen so it stays on in conditions like sand sun 100 degree heat and ocean water for uva/uvb protection in 7 conditions banana boat, we've got you covered. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. i am taking you across the country in our funcomfortable tour, i will be in new york and
Search Results 0 to 35 of about 36 (some duplicates have been removed)