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Comedy Central
Jan 12, 2012 6:30pm PST
abc's "this week" with george stephanopoulos. that's funny. that's the name of the old anchor. please welcome george stephanopoulos. [cheering and applause] thanks so much. hey, george. good to see you again. how's it going? all right, sir. that's the big news. what is this? >> i heard you were running low. >> stephen: you want to do a couple shots? >> let's go. >> stephen: all right. let's do it. okay. you first. >> go ahead. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: there you go. now, george, i imagine you need a hit of whisky after this debate on saturday night. >> that was fun. >> stephen: we'll get to that in a moment. talk about you're returning to "this week." >> going back. >> stephen: great show. you're going back. but isn't that greedy because you're staying at "good morning america." what's next? are you going to take jimmie kimmel show? >> i asked about, that but it's in l.a., so i can't do it. >> is it going to be permanent? >> at least for the election year. >> stephen: good luck. >> good luck to you in this election year. >> stephen: thank you very much. we will see.
Comedy Central
Oct 4, 2012 7:00pm PDT
as george well writes in his contractually mandated expended baseball analogy, quote, a significant date in the nation's civil rights progress was october 3rd, 1974, when frank robinson was hired by the cleveland indians as the major league's first black manager, but even more important milestone of progress occurred june 19th, 1977 when the indians fired him, that was color blind equality, another racial barrier had fallen. folks, i have long appreciated the deep relation voir of racial sensitivity that is the cleveland indians. .. me have em dream. >> and george is right. nothing says racial progress like firing a black person. i mean, this article is a masterful piece of political post racial journalism by an intellectual titan. it pains me to say that george really screwed the pooch on this one. george, you can't just write a column saying the only reason white people are still voting for barack obama is because he is black. because if you could, my aunt rita would be writing your column, and let me tell you, she has got some pulitzer prize winning opinions about the greeks. no,
Comedy Central
Nov 7, 2014 9:47am PST
much worse than weapons in florida. if george zimmerman had fed a guy in a hoodie, he'd number jail. and, folks, ft. lauderdale. ( cheers and applause ) we miss you, george. folks, ft. lauderdale needs these laws. just ask ft. lauderdale's mayor. >> we enforce the laws here in ft. lauderdale. >> they will be arrested. if they break the law and it's observed by one of our law enforcement officers they will be arrested. >> the mayor said he needs to look out for the good of all people in ft. lauderdale, including taxpayer taxpayers ans who want to use parks and beaches without being overrun by the homes. >> reporter: he must protect the tourism industry and a bunch of drunk people urinating on the beach is that industry. ( cheers and applause ). never once went to spring break. besides, ft. lauderdale is really looking out for the homeless. >> this is a public safety issue. it's a public health issue. the expert have all said-- if you are going to simply feed them outdoors to get them from breakfast to lunch to dinner, all you're doing is enabling that sieblg of homesness. >> stephen:
Comedy Central
Jul 17, 2013 7:00pm PDT
. first up, by now you all know george zimmerman has been acquitted in a high-profile case steeped in racial tedges, we in the cable-fear knew that if zimmerman walked our cities would burn. >> florida preparing for riots if george zimmerman is acquitted of murder. >> there may be riots. florida police are preparing for riots. >> i think we're being foolish and frankly naive to think that there may not be riots. >> yes, to think there may not be riots is foolish and naive and worst of all, accurate. >> things have remained calm and peaceful here in sanford florida. >> crowds gathered in newark for a peaceful protest. >> the protests across were peaceful loud but peace tele. >> a group of young demonstrators had any mogul moment as they sang quietly on the steps of the capitol building in tallahassee. >> stephen: sang quietly. excuse me. i ordered a riot. all i get is a folk festival. stop singing "if i had a hammer" and start swinging one of them around. so a wag of my finger at nonrioting black people. [ cheers and applause ] listen, listen. yeah, we're all angry. you cannot set t
Comedy Central
Apr 28, 2014 6:59pm PDT
, from sprint. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest is pulitzer prize winning columnist george will! (cheers and applause) george! good to see you again! thanks so much for coming back! nice to have you on the show. of course, there are a few people out there who do not know you're a pulitzer prize winning columnist, published over 500 newspapers worldwide. you're a fox news contributor now. how do you like it? >> love it. >> stephen: you worked abc for years, now fox news. what's the difference? >> fox news is like getting on a southwest airlines plane. everybody's happy, at the top of the heap and feel like insurgents. >> stephen: wow. that's great. sounds almost dangerous (laughter) you have a new book called a nice little place on the north side, wrigley field at 100. why write a book about wrigley field? you're a cubs fan. >> yes. >> stephen: do you love the cubs or is it sort of an abusive relationship wher you can't get yourself out of right now? >> i'm afraid if i stop, they'll start winning. >> stephen: oh, like the cubs are a slot machine that you've warmed up. >> exa
Comedy Central
Jan 30, 2013 10:30am PST
on terror? the answer is redacted. [ laughter ] and my guest george saunders wrote what the new york times called "the best book you'll read this year." joke's on them, i'm not reading any books this year. [ laughter ] eating lunch earlier can help you lose weight. that's why i always eat tomorrow's lunch tonight. [ laughter ] captioning sponsored by comedy central this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the broadcast, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen b.c. [ thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] thank so much. please, nation, heros sit down. welcome to the broadcast, coming to you, as always, in bone-jostling sensurround! [ laughter ] a lot of technology. [ laughter ] nation, for years i've been warning you about iran. they're almost as big a threat as our other enemy ee-rahn. frightening. also, freetening. [ laughter ] but now there's an even bigger reason to be afraid. >> iran has just launched a monkey into space, lauding it is an advance in missile and spa
Comedy Central
Dec 10, 2014 11:31pm PST
heart's forever president, george w. bush, comes off looking great in this thing. for example, on page 98 it says, "the president of the united states had directed he not be informed of the locations of the c.i.a. detention facilities to ensure he would not accidentally disclose the information." that's right, no, that's right, that's good. because it would have been all too easy for the president to accidentally disclose this kind of intele. i mean, it's a simple slip-up anybody could make. what you mean to say is congratulations to the world championship san antonio spurs but what comes out is we're sticking dental tulles up somebody's pee hole under a bulgarian disco. then. ( cheers and applause ) then, of course, you have to send tim duncan to the disco because he knows too much. it's a mess. and, you know, what courage that willful ignorance takes. and it dates back to our founding fathers. remember, it was george washington who first said-- and i quote-- blooolooloolooloo. he didn't want to know what was going on either because he was torturing people, too. don't believe me?
Comedy Central
Nov 20, 2012 11:30pm PST
put a picture of george washington in the only outhouse and he comes out and is not upset at all. didn't you see george washington? oh, yes. a perfectly appropriate place. what do you mean? well, there's nothing to make an englishman ( bleep ) faster than the picture of george washington. he had hundreds. he could tell these on a dime. he fhe could be here, you would love him. >> stephen: what happened to him? ( laughter ) i'd love to have him on. no, every president-- every presidentue said every president sort of sees themselves in a historical context, compares themselves to a predecessor in the white house. who-- who do you think he is if you're going to compare him to someone earlier, obama, to some earlier president, and then who does he think he is? >> well, there's no question once they get in the white house, it's the only contest left. where do you fit in history? you walk around and you see all those pictures. do you want to be milliard fillmore, franklin pierce? no. you want to be lincoln. you want to be f.d.r. you want to be roosevelt. and i think he sees himself as
Comedy Central
Jul 23, 2013 11:30pm PDT
. they're so cute at that age. nation, ever since george zimmerman was acquitted, we haven't seen hide nor hair of him. like most winners, i assumed he had gone to disney world. well, it turns out he was back on the neighborhood watch. >> george zimmerman comes out of hiding just in time to play hero just four days after being acquitted in the shooting death of trayvon martin, zimmerman came across a flipped-over s.u.v. in the sanford, florida, area. he and another person helped the family get out of the vehicle. zimmerman stayed on scene until emergency crews arrived. he then simply left. >> stephen: it may be the first time anyone has ever said, "i'm sure glad george zimmerman was following me." and if you're one of the people who believes he should be in jail, that means that you wish that family was still trapped in their burning car. who's the monster now? i'll give you a hint: it's you. of course after the trial i had hoped that americans could just lock our doors and speed through the neighborhood of racial tension, but if anything, racial tensions are now worse than ever.
Comedy Central
Jan 18, 2012 9:30am PST
boy puppet come to life george will. jim? >> do we have too much money in politics? >> i'm astonished at how little money there is in politics considering the stakes of our politics and allocating wealth and opportunity. in about four weeks, george, people will begin doing in america what they do every year-- spending about $2 billion on easter candy. >> stephen: absolutely right, sir. politics should be like easter candy. for sale everywhere you look surrounded by fake grass-roots and hidden from the little people until that special day. (laughter) also, really only for christians. (laughter) but ever since... ever since i gave up my superpac i have begun to question the influence of superpacs. and, folks, i'm not alone. last night the candidates squared off in myrtle beach, south carolina, which means the 2012 republican debates have now officially passed the simpsons for the most episodes in t.v. history. (laughter and applause) and, folks, these superpacs are tearing the g.o.p. apart. >> governor romney's superpac has put an ad out there suggesting that i voted to allow felons to
Comedy Central
Apr 25, 2014 9:30am PDT
kindness. which means i get to yell at him and he's just going to sit there. please welcome george saunders. ( cheers and applause ). hey, george, good to see you again. thanks for coming back. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: for those who don't know you're awe mccarthy grant receiveee and a beststiller author o. and a new one is called-- congratulations, by the way, it's some thoughts on kindness. this started off as a speech you gave at syracuse university, a comment? >> yes. >> stephen: so sell me on kindness. ( laughter ) it gets great press. it gets great press, okay. don't get me wrong, got a great publicist. what's in kindness for me? ( laughter ). >> when i was working on the speech, i was kind of blanked out. i thought you have a room full of young kids that are impatient. what can i say that's really urgent? i looked back and said in all my life what do i regret? and there wasn't that much actually. ( laughter ) no, like the little humiliations-- you can forgo all that. but there were a hand full of things they really regretted and they all had to do with moments where somebo
Comedy Central
Nov 20, 2012 7:00pm PST
about george washington. i cannot tell a lie-- i have not read it. (laughter) duke university has developed a working invisibility cloak. now the blue devils quiddich team will be unstoppable! (laughter) this is the "the colbert report"! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "report." chausz (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much for joining us. please, nation, we have a big show tonight. my guest is none other than former presidential candidate and current moon governor newt gingrich. (laughter) two titans of south carolina politics going head to head. but who can forget when gingrich swept the south carolina republican primary and i ran for president of the united states of south carolina. (cheers and applause) sadly, sadly, folks, i had to suspend my campaign on the technicality that i do not want that job and it does not exist. (laughter) but, folks, all that's behind us now. presidential elections of 2012 is finally ov
Comedy Central
Jul 24, 2013 11:30pm PDT
course, until we get a baby name. dammit. >> britain's new prince is named prince george of cambridge. the royal baby's full name is george alexander louis. >> stephen: oh, there's going to be another king george. oh, that makes me want to violently establish our independence all over again. yes, i do. who is is crazy? you were? who peed blue? you did. so crazy. now, folks, there's a lot of speculation over what these names would be but i for one am not surprised because as a royal watcher, i know that will and kate are huge fans of seinfeld, and clearly named the baby for george costanza who is played by jason alexander and julia louis-dreyfuss. because... [ cheers and applause ] ... because just like seinfeld, the english royal family is really about nothing. meanwhile, anthony weiner's penis. yes, i kept that in as long as i could. just like anthony weaner. yes, new york, new york, the city that never sleeps just got one more thing to keep it up at night because yesterday the thinkable happened. >> jim? two years after a tawd sexing scandal chased him from congress, anthony weiner
Comedy Central
Sep 29, 2014 11:31pm PDT
the c.i.a. under the bus is kinda george bush's thing. (laughter) >> it is true that much of the intelligence turned out to be wrong. >> stephen: yes, "much" of the intelligence turned out to be wrong. but not all of it. there was a country called iraq. (laughter) it will be missed. (laughter) and it's not the first time bush has been ripped off by president barack o-rob-a. (laughter) take the president's speech last week at the annual u.n. traffic festival. (laughter) he stood up in front of that old kitchen backsplash or whatever it is -- time to remodel, guys -- and try to talk tough on i.s.i.s. >> the only language understood by the killers like this is the language of force. so the united states of america will work with a broad coalition to dismantle this network of death. no god condones this terror. no grievance justifies these actions. there can be no reasoning, no negotiation with this brand of evil. >> stephen: sir, we already have a brand of evil. it's tom's of maine. (laughter) maybe tom should leave maine once in a while to find out what toothpaste is supposed to ta
Comedy Central
Jan 6, 2012 6:25pm PST
, on monday george lucas returns to the program. here it, your moment of zen. >> niki this is a very joyous occasion for you. >> blessing of the animals and i really believe the animals have a right to captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight a new tool in the war on terror. get ready for ham irboarding. then a tv host speaks to god, larry king, head away from the light! and my guest aol founder steve case has a new internet ven tuferment i didn't actually book him, he just showed up here in a free mailer. a drunk woman rubbed her butt and tried to pee on a $30 million expressionist painting. come on, my five-year-old could do that. this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. welcome to the report. i love it, love it. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you for joining us. nation, the deal -- >> stephen -- stephen-- . >> stephen: no you were a little late. the gop presidential race is heating up, romney and santorum ti
Comedy Central
Dec 13, 2013 6:55pm PST
george packer! (cheers and applause) hey, george, good to see you again. thanks for coming back. it's been one or six years since you were last here. good to see you. >> good to see you again, too. >> stephen: you're a "new yorker" staff writer. you're the author of "the assassin's gate" which was about america in iraq. now you've got a new book. "the unwinding: an inner history of the new america." okay, i'll bite. how are we unwinding? what is unwinding america other than, let's say, gay marriage, legalized pot, and socialized medicine? (laughter) should i have said spoiler alert? did i just give away the book? >> those are not the big themes of the book. the book is about how over the last generation the institutions that used to support the broad majority of americans like government, like news media, like corporations, like schools have stopped working on behalf of the majority. >> stephen: corporations are doing fine, my friend. >> they are doing well. but most of america is not. so we've become more and more a country divided between winners and losers. let me just say, this is
Comedy Central
Jun 12, 2013 6:55pm PDT
conservatives. >> when you look at it is as if george bush is back in office. >> when you look at the steps he has taken to fight terror to keep him safe it is much about what george bush started and continued. wiretaps, indefinite detention, keeping guantanamo open, it's drone strikes. i refer to it as president bush's fourth term. >> stephen: shut up, baldy! george w. bush is my hero. he is my role model. he is my designated driver. this guy, this guy is just imitating, it will make me like him. i don't care how many ball game us take ple to or how many citizens you blow up, you're not my real president. you're just some guy named barry! (laughter) i hate you! (cheers and applause) and folks, while there's a lot of talk about e-mails and phone calls, i am way more excited about the new surveillance devices that they are cooking up. >> it's possible for them to know when i'm using my microwave oven. >> general petraeus when he ran the cia gave a speech that he thought was secret and somebody copied it and made it public that said new mike waves and dishwashers that have computer chip
Comedy Central
Oct 13, 2014 9:52am PDT
last man on earth who opposes man-man marge. and according to george will, pretty soon i might be. >> quite literally, the opposition to gay marriage is dying. it's old people. >> stephen: i'm not old, george! ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm not old! i'm just-- i'm just tired, okay. i'm just-- i've been doing the show for nine years, for pete's sake. ( cheers and applause ). these right here, these-- these right here, these are just-- these are just fighting gay marriage lines. i'm just as young and as new as my ideas. ( laughter ) besides,ed abouts, the sanctity of traditional marriage is not some badge, george. you can't pray away your gay. well, you can't gay away my pray. for christians like me this is a civil rights issue in i don't like gay people getting civil rights. and i'm not the only one who feels that way, national review writer and skinny george lucas matthew j. franck, recently write ago he wrote that the court's nondecision is a slow-motion dred scott for the 21st century. which is eerily similar to my science fiction series "slow magazine dred scott in the tirs 21st
Comedy Central
Aug 27, 2012 10:05am PDT
george stephanopoulos put the question to v.p. fourth runner-up and g.o.p. pinata tim pawlenty. >> this ticket is now lacking in national security, experience, no vulnerabilities there? >> governor romney has traveled extensively internationally and understands these issues very well. my goodness, he spent his entire career in global business arrangements, transactions, traveling and understanding different countries, cultures, geography and the like. >> stephen: that's right. america's enemies have nothing on this seasoned business traveler. (laughter) mitt romney may not have served in the military but he is a card-carrying member of the admiral's club. (laughter) when iran destabilizes the middle east by threatening to nuke izmit will step in and demand to speak to the concierge! (laughter) maybe get some more pillows or fresh towels. and these arab world uprisings? let me tell you folks, mitt knows all about uprisings. when coach passengers try to force their way into first t first class bathroom it's chaos. (applause) this... this is the kind of foreign policy experience w
Comedy Central
Oct 5, 2012 10:30am PDT
using the iphone 5. please welcome dr. george church. (cheers and applause) hey, dr. church, thanks so much for coming. you are professor of genetics at harvard medical school. >> yes. >> and you a visionary behind the personal genome project. what is the personal genome project. why do we need a personal one. >> that is the only project in the world that allowed us to share our genes, our traits and our environmental data with everybody in the world. >> stephen: there is another way to do that and it involves getting on. (laughter) okay. it's easier and-- i'm not saying it more fun but it is fun, you should try. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughter) >> we need to be able to analyze it with commuters and a few other things. >> stephen: i understand. are you splicing the genes of different organisms together here to make new materials, right, what is-- what-- how does that help us? >> well, so we can now make replace petroleum with in the process fuels, chemicals, plastics, anti-buy oikts and so forth. we can start making those now with biologically engineered machines. >> stephen: are these
Comedy Central
Dec 6, 2011 11:30pm PST
journalistic elder statesman with a four-year-old hair cut george will had the balls to trip whole field. >> between now and 2016 those parties have to do some serious thoughts as to whether they can develop some fiter to prevent this process-- particularly with mad proliferation of debates-- from being hijacked by charlatans, entrepreneurs and entrepreneur flurl charlatans. >> stephen: and don't get him started on the charla-preneurial entrepre-narlatanss! (laughter) well, the media snob cans shut their traps because the next republican debate is going to be super serious. >> there is a debate that will happen actually on the 27th of december hosted by none other than donald trump who will be the moderator. >> stephen: boom! serious enough for you now? does jim lehrer have his own brand of bottled water? does jim lehrer poop in a golden toy sflet no. (laughter) jim lehrer is not serious and trump is ready to make this debate about ideas. >> i like the idea of bringing in some very good talent and people that are knowledgeable in certain subjects. i'm pretty knowledgeable on most o
Comedy Central
Jan 18, 2013 1:30am PST
president dozen a whole bunch of things that are not spelled out in so many words but that george washington d. being able to swear their oath of office on a bible. >> stephen: it's written in there. >> it's not in the written constitution. >> stephen: it's not? >> it's not but george washington -- >> stephen: all right. thank you so much for joining me. akhil reed amar, "america's
Comedy Central
Jun 13, 2012 1:35am PDT
leader. >> he's trying to be like george patton and john wayne. >> stephen: so obvious he's trying to be like george patton and john wayne or errol flynn of douglas fairbanks, that will lock up the youth vote! (laughter) folks, revealing this favorable information gives aid and comfort to our enemies. >> the leaks undercut the u.s. government's ability toll collect information. >> they're saying it's not dangerous, that this doesn't put anybody in jeopardy by having these leaks. by that notion, shouldn't we just start tweeted our troop movement? >> the fact is no one wants to know is what the president is doing. we have never confirmed we even have the program of drone attacks. >> stephen: but now the cat's out of the bag! the terrorists know we have drone strikes. before this leak, al qaeda thought their leaders were just spontaneously exploding from natural causes! (applause) maybe... i don't know, maybe bad hummus. (laughter) but, folks, i'm not surprised that obamaír÷ is leak. the man is desperate for any good news because, let's face it he can't run on the economy. though he tr
Comedy Central
Dec 17, 2013 11:30pm PST
. it's like new girl but old man. george zimmerman is auction a original painting for a hundred thousand dollars. man, this guy is get ago way with murder. this is the "colbert report" captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: welcome! [cheers and applause] >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, so much for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you. you know i, i, i, i know the feeling. [laughing] >> stephen: we here just three day as way from our two week winter break to celebrate christmas. it's my favorite time of the year other than our two week july break to celebrate christmas. oh frostee the daiquiri makes me giggle and then fight. i would like nothing more than to chug this car on of eggnog while you watch "santa claus 2". [cheers and applause] tpaoefplt tha>> stephen: that ie of argument not alcoholic. unfortunately, folks, news happens. >> 6 months after eduard snowden revealed to the world the federal judge ruled the nsa program that sweeps up american phone records is l
Comedy Central
Oct 21, 2011 1:30am PDT
that made him laugh. (laughter) like losing eaves st-laurent, george burns and pol pot all on the same day. george burns, of course, a homicidal maniac. now, qaddafi's death was difficult to confirm since every living picture of him could be confused for a death photo. (laughter) but here's how it went down. >> libyan officials are saying that qaddafi was hiding in some sort of hole or tunnel network, that he was pulled from this hole/tunnel network alive, and that he was killed by the rebels. >> stephen: now if you recall, they pulled saddam out of a hole. evidently, totalitarian dictators are a nocturnal burrowing species. of course, who can forget about the time jack hanna brought kim jong il on leno? nation, i say we need to stay vigilant here. qaddafi was a g, maybe gone, but we still have not captured quaddafi, gastafi and hannukah. folks, i am especially... (applause) folks, i am especially excited this war is over because it means we get to pick the next war! ( laughter ) i wonder who it's going to be. if we follow our standard war predictor, it's whoever we were propping up te
Comedy Central
Aug 15, 2014 6:54pm PDT
at george clooney's place. >> oh, i love george. i wish he could have joined us when i had lunch with meryl streep and ecuadorian president hamirafael correa. >> oh, rafi. he is such a cut-up, especially when we go camping with oprah. ( laughter ). >> oh,. >> does that surprise you? >> no, "o" is just what all her real friend call oprah. q. i know paul mccartney.>> i nd karzai. >> stephen: i shared an office with steve carell. ( laughter ). >> i held high-level talks with chinese state counselor "dye bing gwo." >> stephen: well, now you're just making words up. i will have you know, madam, i once did an entire show with president bill clinton. >> oh! ( applause ) i hate to break this to you, stephen, but i've met him, too. >> stephen: gosh, you know everyone! what kind of loser do you have to be to not be included in your book? >> well, you're not in it, stephen? >> stephen: oh, aren't i? you ever notice how president of turkmenistan gurbanguly berd-muha-meadow are never in the same room at the same time. >> no! >> stephen: oh, yes. >> stephen: and, madam, it is not just your nam
Comedy Central
Dec 18, 2014 11:04am PST
", and surprise, a critic of the iraq war. please acknowledge george packer (cheers and applause) . >> stephen: mr. packer. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: thank you so much for coming on. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: you have a new book called" the assassin's gate "that sounds ke one of those sqlon lecare thrillers, is there a hot sex scene in it? >> there is not. >> stephen: so what is it about. >> actually there is a little bit of iraqi sex jokes in it, but it is more of a serious book about the iraq war an its origins and how we got into this mess and whose's over there, soldiers, civilians, iraqis, it's kind of a --. >> stephen: answer all those questions for me, how did we get over there? didn't the presidency a need, wasn't there a threat, wasn't it imminent, did we have to do it? >> no the. we didn't. >> stephen: okay, that's not what i was told. >> we were told there was an imminent threat. >> stephen: okay. >> what were you told? >> stephen: i was told they could bomb us in 45 minutes with a remote controlled drone plane, i seem to remember that. >> and you beli
Comedy Central
Oct 13, 2011 11:30pm PDT
, except for one, george clooney. folks, i have often fantasized about getting invited to clooney's palazzo in italy, getting drunk and going skinny dipping in lake lake como. well, last night on conan, i found out another famous tv host has ripped off my journal. listen to marisa tomei describe a typical evening at lake clooney. >> evan rachel wood and cindy crawford and charlie rose, we wound up all skinny dipping. >> stephen: what? seriously. clooney, you invited charlie i'm too boring to compete with a background rose to go skinny dipping at your villa and not me? how could you? it could have been my body glistening in the italian moonlight. why am i even doing crunches. and the story gets worse, folks. friend of the show and cnn senior political analyst david gergen also was invited to clooney's palazzo. he writes in "parade" magazine, and i quote, "by 2:00 a.m. or so when i was hammered, out of nowhere clooney starts climbing a fence that overlooks the lake below and jumped. within seconds he was challenging our masculinity. hell, i thought, i have an early morning plane and i
Comedy Central
Apr 16, 2014 11:31pm PDT
think legislators lining up to listen to megadonors like the koch brothers or george soros appears corrupt, good news-- john roberts has ruled you don't think that. laug( laughter ) now, roberts knows there's only one real type of corruption-- quid pro quo. or the direct exchange of an official acts for money, and that is easy to proof, prove, as long as politics remember to hold on to their itemized corruption receipts. ( laughter ) the point is everyone in america should celebrate this ruling. here not to celebrate this ruling is legal affairs editor for "slate," emily bazelon. emily, thanks so much for coming back to see us. ( applause ) isn't this wonderful news for oppressed minorities in the united states? >> like rich people. >> stephen: yes. the 1%. there's no minority smaller, and we are the ones who had our voices stifled by these campaign donation limitations. >> no, i don't think rich people are the ones who have had their voices stifled. we have plenty of influence of rich people in politics. >> stephen: not as much add wakd. that is what john roberts is saying, while
Comedy Central
Sep 23, 2014 11:31pm PDT
play naked horseshoes. (laughter) the second is also where you will find george lucas' production studio "skywalker ranch," named after his iconic "star wars" character luke ranch. (laughter) and who has the furry ewoks to represent this district? it's none other than congressman jared huffman. i sat down with representative huffman in his washington office. congressman, thank you so much for talking with me today. >> thank you, steven. >> stephen: tell me about the fighting second. >> it goes from the golden gate bridge in the south to the oregon border, got a third of the california coast, beautiful coastal communities. it's got the biggest and oldest trees in the world. >> stephen: you have the pines? >> we have lots of pines. >> stephen: those are the oldest trees in the world. >> i don't know about that one. ancient redwood. >> reaching an age of 5,000 years, bristol cone pines are the world's oldest living organisms. but contrast, the redwoods. while the majestic are a spree 1,000 years old. back to our program already in progress. >> stephen: you say you've never lost a tri
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