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Jan 21, 2011 3:05am EST
for the world. eople take advtage, like china, like opec i an, we make nothing here anyme. we make nothing in this coury. china makes our product. we are rebuilding china, jimm we're rebuilding china because so ch of our produc-- when i build a building, ha of the products i order have to come from china, not that i want too that. and you look at what oc is doing to the price of oi every time our economy gets a little bit better. now it's up to $92 a barrel. get ready 'cause this is the same thing that happened last tie and they bleed- they really suck the blood out of you, as a country, and -- >> jimmy: what is it based on? >> i hate to see -- i hate to see, m, what's happening to this untry. wee just no longerhat great place that we were. 're not respecte our leaders aren't respecte and it's somethi that bothers me very much. >> jimm wow. so you might just do it, but -- [ cheers and applause ] can -- if you do run, can you please make your running mate a "real housewife"? [ laughter ] i just think at would be a good id. >> i'll think about that. >> jimmy: i think it could be a go
Oct 12, 2010 12:35am EDT
there to negotiate. nobody is there to talk, and nobody is there to be tough. i hate what china is doing. you know, we're rebuilding china because -- i just -- i don't want to say everything but a lot of the things that we make -- we used to make product. we don't make anything anymore. china makes it, and we are rebuilding china. they have trillions and trillions of dollars that comes from us, and i'm just so tired of seeing what i'm seeing. now if somebody else did it, i would be happy. but nobody is stepping forward. nobody is saying what's going on. and we, you know, have unemployment. we have all of e problems that we have, and we're just -- between oil prices, we have 11 guys sitting around a table saying oil is going toe -- we have oil all over the place. they have tankers out at sea, hundreds of tankers, they don't know what to do with it. they don't know what to do with the oil, there is so much of it. but they fix t price. if you and i did that, if we had stores, we'd go to jail, okay? we would go to jail. so i hate seeing what's happening and so do a lot of other people.
Apr 20, 2010 12:35am EDT
mom together. and here's a little dude i got in china. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what is this dude? >> i actually got this dude at a 99-cent store in china. and let me see. >> jimmy: i like him already. >> yeah, he's pretty cool, man. >> jimmy: yeah, i think -- >> he's battery powered. let me see if he works. well, doesn't look like the batteries work. it is a 99-cent store in china. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: does not work. normally what would it do? >> it would dance and sing around. i like him because it's a baby but he looks like he's 85. >> jimmy: interesting, yeah. does look like -- >> one of my favorite pieces. >> jimmy: brilliant one. do you have one more thing? >> you know what, man? >> jimmy: what? >> one of my favorite pieces and it's your anniversary show. i think i'm going to give this to you, jimmy. [ audience aws ] [ applause ] you deserve it, man. you deserve it. >> jimmy: i deserve this? >> yep. it's yours, man. >> jimmy: thank you so much. thank you. this is fantastic. >> you've been working hard for a year now. you earned it. >> jimmy: i did, i earned it. and it does
Jun 22, 2012 12:35am EDT
in china, brown bagging it. [ audience groans ] it is a cultural thing. >> steve: who are we to judge? >> jimmy: what am i supposed to do? google it, i don't know. >> steve: who are we to judge? oh yeah. our ways are right. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: oh. [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: you hear about this, guys, there was a big twitter outage in the u.s. today. or as people at work put it well, i guess i better get back to facebook. [ laughter ] yeah, twitter was out most of the day i was terrible. i had to go up to strangers and say, can't decide what to have for lunch, hash tag lol. and finally, a new study found that female goats can recognize their babies even after being separated for over a year. unfortunately, to get the male goats to recognize their babies, they have to go on "maury." [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight, you guys. give it up for roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for watching, we have a fantastic show tonight. you know her from "friends," you know her from "cougartown," and the "scream" movies, the beautif
Nov 19, 2009 3:05am EST
ten-day trip to singapore, china, south korea and japan. meanwhile, today, joe biden ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at panda express. [ laughter ] very, very busy week. [ cheers and applause ] president obama, he said that he would be happy to travel, more than happy to travel to copenhagen in december for the global climate conference, if his presence would make a difference. and then the olympic committee was like, "oh, yeah, it makes a huge difference. yeah." yeah, it really makes a great difference. hey, the woman who wrote the "twilight" book, stephenie meyer, she is going to be on "oprah" this friday. millions of people would be excited, but when you subtract twilight fans that are in school during "oprah," and oprah fans that don't know what "twilight" is, there is only one person left, and i'm super stoked, you guys. [ laughter ] i'm really -- i cannot wait to watch this episode. this is going to be -- [ drumroll ] [ cheers and applause ] oh, yeah. it's going to be exciting! i saw this last night. susan boyle performed "i dreamed a dream" on dancing with the stars. afterwa
Oct 1, 2013 12:35am PDT
got to take this. elmo, let us talk, sorry. later, dad." some big news for movie fans. china is building an $8 billion movie studio to compete with hollywood. big news. you know, they actually started competing in other ways, too. they've been releasing well-known american movies and renaming those guys. you know the movie "we're the millers," funny comedy. china just came out with this one. "it's us, the wu family." [ laughter ] [ applause ] you can tell that it's the same -- i knew it. i could tell. >> steve: you could tell. >> jimmy: they're also releasing "the lone ranger." and they're renaming it "he who rides horse in bad movie." [ laughter and applause ] they're doing it. i can't -- i can't stop them. >> steve: yeah, i can't stop them, they're china. >> jimmy: and finally, gosh, love this video. it made me laugh. a high school marching band in austin, texas -- they are a great marching band. they're performing at a halftime, at a football game this weekend. and there was little problem with the tubas. check this out. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they were this cl
May 26, 2011 12:35am EDT
. i've been -- i know, i've been traveling a lot. i was just in china. i was shooting "the man with iron fists." >> jimmy: oh, yeah. what is -- can you explain this again? >> okay. riza wrote a script. >> jimmy: rza from woo tang >> rza from woo tang clan. >> jimmy: he wrote a script? >> he wrote a script. and not only did he write. he directed it. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. and russell crow is in it, and we -- it's a -- it's like -- it's a period piece in the 1800s. so, we're up, like, in these crazy outfits. yeah, rza. never underestimate. >> jimmy: in the 1800s? >> yeah, full-on, like, warrior costumes. really cool. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it turned out great, huh? >> he did a great job. >> jimmy: it's like an action movie? >> it's an action movie. there's a bunch of stuff in it. it's love story. it's an action movie. >> jimmy: so that's pretty cool. you were in china for how long? >> i was in china. i visited. i was there for, like, four or five weeks. and then after that, i went down to -- i went south and visited a community where they had children -- you know, i partn
Nov 25, 2009 3:05am EST
] "taylor!" well, the president is in china now. and he had 71 cars in his motorcade drive from the the airport to beijing. 71 cars. there's 1 car for the president, 2 for secret service and then 68 for obama's advisers on the environment. [ laughter ] i mean, it was all the way fine until the 34th car drove through the yellow light and left everyone else behind. it was like, "hey, we don't know where we're going! we're in china, man!" [ laughter ] 71 cars, meanwhile, somewhere in the world, al gore shed a single tear. he's like -- [ laughter ] they didn't need 71 cars. i mean, trust me. i've been to china. they could fit nine guys on a scooter and still have room for a crate of fish. [ laughter ] they got it handled over there. [ applause ] while he was there, president obama spoke out against censorship at a town hall meeting in shanghai. and you're not gonna believe what he said about it. obama was like -- [ bleeping ] "and that's that." [ laughter ] and then he was like -- [ bleeping ] [ laughter ] and that's it. that's all he said. and then quickly he was like -- [ bleep ] [ laught
Sep 25, 2013 12:35am EDT
, but it turns out that facebook is blocked in china. yeah. not allowed. but now i guess they're loosening up a little bit, and some parts of china are getting ready to unblock facebook so people can start to use it. of course, there's a lot of perks about using facebook in china. for instance, you only have to deal with your friends' baby pictures once. [ audience ohs ] not bad. [ applause ] you know you liked it. oh, come on. [ laughter ] you have to admit it. that was a good one. that was a good joke. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: gonuts. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. did anybody watch "dancing with the stars" last night? yeah. three people. i -- [ laughter ] >> steve: two out of three. >> jimmy: i watched it last night. i watched last night. and my man, jack osbourne, is on there. ozzy osbourne's son, jack, is one of the contestants this season. well, ozzy's in the audience with sharon. probably some part of some contractual thing. he has to show up to this. anyways, they mentioned him, and everyone starts clapping, including him. but i'm not sure he knew what he was cla
Aug 5, 2009 12:35am EDT
. >> jimmy: and you just came back -- i know you -- >> china. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i did -- i did -- ugh! china. [ laughter ] it's so -- it's filthy. and the bathrooms are troughs. has anyone been to china that --and you -- i swear to you, this is not a joke. co-ed and you're down like this. it is so horrible. and there are people on both sides. and i was wearing tiffany earrings and one dropped. and i couldn't. as a jew, i still couldn't do it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i love you. joan is doing stand-up in new york city for the next three weeks at the west bank cafe. go see her in person. joan rivers, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] arctic monkeys perform next. you have to come back. >> i know. >> jimmy: you have to come back. [ cheers and applause ] m♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. our next guests are one of the breakout rock bands of recent years. and they're here to debut "crying lightning," the first single from their third album "humbug." please welcome arctic monkeys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ outside the cafe by the cracker factory you we
Aug 27, 2011 12:35am EDT
fallon." it will be a fun show tonight. i love you, too. [ light laughter ] this isn't good. china is angry at the united states because president obama met with the dalai lama over the weekend. you can tell china's pissed. when i opened a fortune cookie today, it said "watch your back a-hole." [ laughter ] i go, what? then it said, in bed. because that's a funny joke. [ laughter ] funny joke. >> steve: just joking. >> jimmy: it's a funny comedy joke that people do. very funny. [ applause ] i think china's mad at president obama for meeting with the dalai lama. i mean, come on. obama doesn't owe them anything. except like $14 trillion. but -- [ laughter ] you guys see this? rupert murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today and a man attacked him with a pie. [ laughter ] he attacked him with pie. yeah. unfortunately murdoch knew to move out of the way because he already heard about the plan on the guy's voice mail. [ laughter ] so, he knew it already. he's like, that pie's going to come out right now. there you go. [ applause ] there she is. this is crazy. police in cali
Feb 5, 2012 11:35pm EST
the difference. experts say the most popular counterfeit i.d.'s are made in china and come from someone well known as chinese guy. howard county police department confiscate these. photos and physical descriptions are real and so are the signatures. sometimes the addresses are too. the holograms are exact copies and bar code can fool scanners. >> word on the street is everyone has one of these i.d.'s. is that an exaggeration? >> no, it's not. everybody has them. it's insane the amount of people that have these i.d.'s. >> shawn pierce is a doorman at towson. he said local police consider him one of the best in the business in spotting fakes. >> they can be scanned. i have seen the i.d.'s scan before. it does scan and does work. >> underage drinkers we spoke with consider towson an easy place to get away with bogus i.d.'s and users say the chinese guy makes them easy to obtain. >> it's pretty easy to get. >> benjamin is 19-year-old crimm noll ji major. he does not want his face seen. he ordered two licenses from the guy. >> in case one gets taken or you lose one or one gets really
May 6, 2011 3:05am PDT
china over the next two years. they have a good plan to find workers. they're just going to put job applications in 50,000 happy meals. [ audience oohs ] >> steve: because they're children. [ scattered applause ] >> jimmy: as a matter of fact, they're also planning to open 700 new mcdonald's in china by 2013. yeah, they have a great dollar menu, or as china calls it, the worthless menu. [ light laughter ] >> steve: come on. come on! come on! come on! [ scattered applause ] that one's a 73. come on -- >> jimmy: you don't have to laugh. [ light laughter ] check this out. a new study found that students who use facebook while studying have 20% lower grades than students who focus. [ laughter ] when kids who use facebook heard that they were like, "20%, big deal? what's that like -- 10%?" [ laughter ] and finally, i heard that arnold schwarzenegger is going to star in a new "terminator" movie. yeah, he's back. [ scattered cheers ] of course he's getting a little older. his new catch phrase is -- [ as arnold ] "ow, my back." [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show tonight
Oct 13, 2010 12:35am PDT
jobs to china. china. india. russia. poland. i know precisely why those jobs go. [ male announcer ] because fiorina shipped them there. to shanghai instead of san jose. bangalore instead of burbank. proudly stamping her products "made in china." 30,000 workers gone while fiorina took $100 million for herself. carly fiorina. outsourcing jobs. out for herself. [ barbara boxer ] i'm barbara boxer, and i approved this message. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody. i'm back, with the great johnny knoxville. we're about to play a game of "operation" with a "jackass" twist. okay. you all know how the board game "operation" works. we're going to take that to another level right here. i'm going to be operating on the patient here on the board game, and dr. johnny knoxville over there is going to be operating on the patient strapped to that big board over there. >> this is going to suck for him. >> jimmy: this is danger ehren from the "jackass" crew. give it up. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thank you for helping us out with this, ehren. >> oh, thank you. >> he's doing
Nov 28, 2013 12:35am PST
on in the news. here, this is pretty tense in the u.s. and china after two american b-52 bombers flew into the chinese air space this week. obama promised to thoroughly investigate the incident with the b-52s, while biden said, "do you think they'll play love shack"? [ laughter and applause ] ♪ well there's two giant airplanes flying to china ♪ [ laughter ] >> steve: 'm china baby ♪ >> jimmy: well, things are pretty tense here at home, as well. in fact, after the u.s. reached a nuclear deal with iran, some republicans are accusing obama of using the deal to distract americans from his failed health care rollout. obama said, "it's ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as 'family guy' killing off one of its main characters. let's talk about that. right guys? we can talk about that for a while. we don't need to talk about obama care." [ applause ] i guess the white house is still trying to dig itself out of the nsa spying scandal. now they're saying that the u.s. has planned to sign a no-spy deal with germany to protect both countries going forward. and both germany and the u.s. a
Jun 11, 2013 12:35am PDT
awkward when obama asked china to stop spying on america. d jinping was like, "you first." [ laughter and applause ] i'm sure you heard about this last week, it was revealed that the national securities spied on americans phone records and internet history for years. and yesterday the source of the leak, former cia employee edward snowden -- sounds like a "game of thrones" character. >> steve: it does. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: edward snowden came forward, he said that he's hiding out in hong kong. marking the first time anyone has ever said, "i don't want to be punished by the government so i'm going to china." [ laughter ] right? [ applause ] to china? to avoid government persecution. it's like going to ireland to avoid getting drunk. i mean it's going to happen. [ laughter ] on friday, a member of president obama's staff forgot to put his remarks on the podium before his speech in california. the president was not too happy. take a look at this. >> good morning, everybody. it is wonderful to see all of you. and i want to thank everybody who is here. i think there is only one problem and t
Nov 5, 2009 12:35am EST
. that's worse. much worse. you ys hear about this? this is international news. china is going to build new disneyland right in shanghai. it's just like our disneyland, but, in china, goofy and pluto are items on the menu. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] they eat dogs. they eat dogs in china. google it. bing it if you don't believe me. and finally, tonight at the white house president obama and his first lady, michelle, host an event celebrating classical music. john mccain was jealous. last time mccain go to hear mozart was when he performed at hiprom. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have great show tonight. give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what a great show we've got tonight. last night was insane for me by the way. i just got to tell you this story. it was -- it was unbelievable. it was very exciting. i went to mayor bloomberg, he invited me to introduce him when he does his acceptance speech -- i can't even talk. uh, so i go there. i go do this after our show. we go tape and then i think they were gonna announce it around 9:00. between 9:00 and 9:3
Oct 9, 2010 12:35am PDT
jobs to china. china. india. russia. poland. i know precisely why those jobs go. [ male announcer ] because fiorina shipped them there. to shanghai instead of san jose. bangalore instead of burbank. proudly stamping her products "made in china." 30,000 workers gone while fiorina took $100 million for herself. carly fiorina. outsourcing jobs. out for herself. [ barbara boxer ] i'm barbara boxer, and i approved this message. from his frere jacques... [ speaking french ] [ mom ] he decided to study in paris. ♪ to see french masterpieces with his very own eyes. we even linked our citibank account to his so when his account ran low we just transferred funds. i just hope the language isn't a barrier. bonjour. [ mom ] my ryan can be very shy. [ male announcer ] from linked accounts to citi mobile we make it simple to manage your finances. what's your story? citibank can help you write it. well, it all adds up.ip coupons? to manage your finances. that's sweet mom. in honor of your thriftiness, i'll serve- [jack's voice] 2 croissant sandwiches for just 3 bucks. made with fresh egg,
Jan 25, 2011 3:05am EST
, has final found a home. i don't want toay the dog is ugly, but even people in china were like, "no thanks, just ate." [ audience ohs ] [ laughteand applause ] thas true. theyat dog in china. and finally, mtv just released the trailer for season thr of "jersey shore" where snoo is seen falling facfirst in the sand. [ laughter ] man, as if thbeach didn't have enough crabs you know? [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, weave a great show. ve it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: we've got a fantastic showor you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] a good one. the larious, the talented -- pauludd is here. [ cheers and applause ] he's one of our pals [ cheers and applause ] great guy. fm the new film "casino jack," e very funny, one of my all-time favorites -- jon lovitz is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] oh, my gosh. [ applause ] and we've got some great music by a great performer. aloe blacc is here tonight. hes going to be good. [ cheers and applause ] [ jimmy singing ] you guys, there are exactly six shows before we go on christmas break,o it's time forhat beloved
Feb 3, 2010 3:05am EST
now? [ cheers ] well, "avatar" has been pulled from almost 2,000 movie screens in china because they think it's taking away from the chinese movie industry. excuse me, we're hurting china's movie industry? i was just in chinatown, they are already selling a dvd of "avatar 2." [ laughter ] [ applause ] pretty good, actually. and finally, weight watchers is suing jenny craig over ads they say are misleading and deceptive. this could represent a major loss for jenny craig. but don't worry, they'll gain it back within a month or so. [ light laughter ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: oh, we've got a fun show tonight. thanks you guys for watching. you guys may or may not know this. i love video games. i've actually even been in a video game. "wwe vs. raw." you can -- you can download me as a wrestler. and i can totally kick john cena's ass. anyway, i've been into games for a long time since i was a kid. if fact, when i was 13, back in the nes days, the nintendo entertainment system. i won a contest to be in a game but it never c
Apr 19, 2011 12:35am EDT
in china who weighs 132 pounds. in fact -- yeah. he's so overweight, he can barely walk to work in the morning. it is -- [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] -- it's serious. it's serious. he's 132 pounds, he's 3 years old, which explains his last name, double-chin. [ light laughter ] it's pretty crazy. instead of a pacifier, he just sucks on a boars head turkey. [ light laughter ] a rough story. rough reading, rough reading. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: hey, you guys, a new study found that ecuador, venezuela, and colombia have the most well endowed men in the world. [ scattered applause ] the study was conducted by psa screeners at jfk's international terminal. [ laughter and applause ] "oh -- you from ecuador?" that's right ecuador, venezuela, and colombia have the most well endowed men. in a related story, do you know it's actually pronounce yimmy sal-yon. [ light laughter ] yimmy sal-yon. and finally mtv has renewed "the real world," for it's 27th and 28th seasons. you can tell it's been on forever, the cast for season 27 was actually conceived in the hot tub of season one. [ laughter ]
Oct 23, 2010 12:35am PDT
not going to change it. in a related story, china just renewed its most popular show, "jon and kate plus 1 and that's it." [ laughter ] it's a big hit show. they're renewing it. this is embarrassing. last night, the host of "australia's next top model" accidentally announced the wrong winner. [ audience oohs ] [ laughter ] it was awful. it was awful. she read the wrong name by mistake. like, "sorry." she read the wrong name by mistake. meanwhile, hillary clinton was like, "that can happen?" [ laughter and applause ] "is that proof? i'm just asking. just asking." [ laughter and applause ] "just asking." this is kind of a cool. in a new interview with "rolling stone" magazine, president obama said he has stevie wonder, bob dylan and the rolling stones on his ipod. yeah. [ scattered applause ] unfortunately, the question was, "do you have a plan to fix the economy?" [ laughter ] he was like, "well, i got u2. i got coldplay. michael stipe." that's right, in a new interview, president obama revealed the music that he has on his ipod, and immediately afterwards, tea party activists were c
Apr 22, 2010 12:35am EDT
can wash, rinse and blow dry your dog in 30 minutes. they have the same thing in china, but it doubles as a snack machine. [ audience groans ] [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] they eat dog in china. it's not my fault. yeah. ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. give it up for the roots. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: great show everybody. booker t. jones. [ cheers and applause ] legendary booker t.! the legendary booker t. and the mgs sitting with the roots tonight and tomorrow night, too, right? good to have you back. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thanks for coming back. >> cool. >> jimmy: we have a fun show tonight, guys. this weekend's host of "saturday night live" and the funny star of "the hangover," zach galifianakis is in the building. [ cheers and applause ] he's a great guy, really funny. the star of tim burton's new 3d version of "alice in wonderland," the lovely mia wasikowska is joining us. beautiful. [ cheers and applause ] and we've got music from very good rock 'n' rollers, silversun pickups, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] oh, man! it's so exciting. now, as
Aug 31, 2013 12:35am PDT
get amazon prime, it's worth it. and finally, i just read that china is in the middle of a major summer heat wave, which means a lot of people are heading to the pool. but take a look at one pool in china. i'm not sure if this is the best way to cool off. yeah. [ laughter ] it looks like brad and angelina's kiddie pool. we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> the legendary. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a fantastic -- a fantastic show tonight. i can't even really talk about this. i'm just going to show you this. i can't even talk about it. [ laughter ] questlove knows what i'm talking about. let's just say, i can't -- i'm not ready to talk about it. know what i'll talk about? i'm going on "the tonight show" september 20th and i'll tell jay leno the story. let's say it involves a ping-pong ball and prince. [ audience oohs ] i can't talk about it. i'm not ready to talk about it. it's weirdest thing that ever happened. >> steve: i guess so. >> jimmy: and prince knows what he did. [ laughter ] we have a fan
Nov 9, 2010 12:35am PST
. [ laughter ] it's just like our disneyland, only in china, goofy and pluto are items on the concession stand. [ audience groans ] [ applause ] they eat dog in china. >> steve: it's cultural. >> jimmy: you've got to deal with it. >> steve: yeah. cultural thing. >> jimmy: thank you, higgins. i'm not sure what to make of this. there's a new internet application that makes you take a sobriety test before you can use your e-mail or go on facebook. it seems like a great idea until people start going, "if i can't e-mail her? well then, i'm just going to drive over. [ laughter ] hey, wake up! you made a mistake. i'm a winner! [ laughter ] you made a big mistake! you're never going to meet someone like me." finally, a couple from michigan is suing the waldorf-astoria hotel for giving them bedbugs. yeah, you can tell the bedbugs are from the hotel, because after they bite you they're like -- [ clears throat ] [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey. i just want to give a quick shout out to adam sternburg and eve
Apr 21, 2011 12:35am EDT
about this? the world's most expensive dog, a tibetan mastiff puppy, was just sold in china for a million dollars. it's a lot of money, but that also includes an appetizer and dessert. [ laughter ] [ audience groans ] they eat dog in china. sorry, everybody. [ light laughter ] i don't know what to make of this. officials in texas say someone hacked into an electric road sign and changed the messages to "poop" and "lol." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] come on, guys. what kind of childish, immature person told on him? [ laughter ] because that's a funny bit. poop. [ light laughter ] genius -- the guys a genius. >> steve: and they say america is number two. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: very nice. a woman in new mexico, you guys, is suing a chile's restaurant after she found a sewing needle in her food. the weird thing was, afterwards the cook came out and said -- ♪ i want my needle back needle back, needle back i want my needle back needle back, needle back ♪ ♪ i want my needle back needle back, needle back chili's needle ribs ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ choking heather [ laught
Dec 2, 2011 12:35am EST
, made out of candy. that's cute, yeah, an edible version of bo. or as china calls that, bo. [ laughter ] they eat dog in china. they eat dog, yeah. hey listen to this you guys, congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat -- or as taco bell put it, "there was a ban on that?" [ laughter ] what? what do you think's in the burger? [ light laughter ] that's right. congress voted to allow the production of horse meat. of course, the vote got kind of awkward when they were like, "all opposed say nay." [ laughter ] i'm sorry, i didn't -- listen to this you guys. the governor of washington is asking the federal government to relax marijuana laws for medicinal use. [ cheers and applause ] you can tell the governor likes weed because he's like, "wait, am i in charge of the state washington or the city washington? or george washington? ha, ha, ha! [ laughter ] maybe i'm george washington, man, i don't know, man. crossing the dela-weird, man. [ laughter and applause ] oh man, i don't know! don't ask me questions, man!" i heard that -- i heard that facebook is in talks to launch
Feb 22, 2012 3:05am EST
michelle the nicest bracelet china's money could buy. [ laughter ] he really went all out. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: went all out. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: go for it, yeah. did you see this? one of the awards at this week's westminster dog show went to martha stewart's chow chow named genghis khan. [ laughter ] that's weird. i mean, if martha wanted to name the dog after a ruthless tyrant, she should have gone with martha stewart. [ laughter ] you know? you could easily -- it's just an easy -- [ cheers and applause ] i just read this. in the past year, 118,000 drivers in new york were ticketed for using their cell phones behind the wheel. while the rest are really good at doing this. hold on, there's a cop. [ laughter ] "i had to put the phone down. i can't hear you right now." [ cheers and applause ] "don't worry about it. i can't pick up the phone. i can't hear you if you're talking. i can't hear you. okay, go ahead. what?" [ laughter ] there's another cop. "okay, the phone's down now. on my lap." hey, you guys, we have donald trump on the show tonight!
Sep 10, 2010 1:05am EDT
international news, china is planning to fine people $7 if they are caught smoking in public spaces. that's not fair. i mean, how are kids supposed to relax between shifts? [ laughter ] right? [ applause ] "back to work." >> steve: work? >> jimmy: yeah. here's some more news out of china, starting in 2011, they are going to allow people in five different provinces to have a second child. that's right. they said all couples will be free to keep and raise that second child whether it's a boy or a male. [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] hey, you guys, today is the 120th birthday of kfc's colonel sanders. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. customers celebrated the birthday by blowing out their arteries. [ laughter ] listen to this, kfc is launching a facebook campaign to introduce young people to colonel sanders. yeah, just the person you want your kids meeting on facebook, an old guy who wants to show them his breasts. [ laughter ] you guys, cvs is giving away $5 million in flu shots to people without health insurance. isn't that cool? hey, cvs, you really want to help humanity? open a
Jun 23, 2010 12:35am EDT
. [ laughter ] in 2011, china will end america's 110-year run as the number one manufacturing country in the world. that gives me a great idea. we should start making the one thing we know the world will always need, made in china labels. right? [ laughter ] it's good idea. [ cheers and applause ] i don't know if you guys saw this. 64-year-old helen mirren appears topless for a photo spread in "new york" magazine. [ light laughter ] when you open the magazine, instead of subscription cards, her boobs fall out. [ laughter ] "oh!" sardine key, and then just -- go right up there and there. [ light laughter ] hey, sad news, you guys. oh, my goodness. jake and vienna from "the bachelor" have ended their engagement. [ audience aws ] look, someone's got to tell you. [ laughter ] yeah, they said their relationship seemed to lose something along the way. you know, the cameras. [ laughter ] it's too bad that they broke up. i still remember that romantic moment when jake looked into her eyes and said, "vienna, you are one of the five women still in contention to win my heart." [ laughter ] it was s
Jul 2, 2011 3:35am EDT
they call that in china, brown bagging it. [ laughter ] >> steve: they eat dogs. >> jimmy: they eat dogs. >> steve: it's a cultural thing. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, fans of amy winehouse, who booed her offstage because she showed up drunk, for clearly forgetting the artist you went to see was amy winehouse. [ laughter ] >> steve: that's her name, winehouse. >> jimmy: you got what you paid for, man. wouldn't it be weird if she came thank you, miniature schnauzers or as i like to call you, miniature sean connerys. steve, what did you say? >> steve: you know what they call that in china? >> jimmy: what? >> a 007. it was on the menu. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was a good one. thank you, people who say, "keep me posted," for politely saying "i'm not really interested and i want to get out of this conversation." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ thank you, butterflies, for being flamboyant moths. there's a little dot over here. snuggle up in a cocoon. >> jimmy: thank you, people who think i will help them move if they offer me free pizza and beer, or i could just buy
Sep 21, 2011 12:35am EDT
, china is now grading restaurants' hygiene using smiley faces and frowny faces. i mean, who do they have working on this stuff in china -- kids? [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] oh, man. hey, i heard that 81-year-old astronaut buzz aldrin is dating a woman who is 30 years younger than him. [ cheers ] that may sound impressive, but here's the thing. neil armstrong also got there first. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] why? why would you do that to buzz -- >> steve: that's his best friend. >> jimmy: why would you do that to buzz? why would he do that? >> steve: i know what they're doing to michael collins -- >> jimmy: get this, wendy's just introduced a new burger -- with extra cheese, thicker beef and a buttered bun. which explains why in their logo wendy's now wearing spanx. [ laughter and applause ] not good. this isn't good. because of hurricane irene, the northeast is experiencing a pumpkin shortage. on the bright side, snooki has tripled her personal appearance booking. tripled. [ laughter ] that's a lot of farmville coins. >> steve: exactly. >> jimmy: this is weird, a man
Mar 31, 2012 12:35am EDT
china town. >> jimmy: do you really? >> yep. >> jimmy: what's it like over there? >> i don't fit in. >> jimmy: no, that's weird. that is weird, yeah. >> i'm very noticeable. >> jimmy: you really are. yeah. but it's been gorgeous here in new york. >> it's been just spring. >> jimmy: spring time already. we skipped over winter. >> i know. >> jimmy: did you have fun? did you do anything fun? >> yeah, well -- i was actually, like, in l.a. for the week when it became spring, and then i came back, and it was suddenly spring, and there was, like, you know, flowers everywhere. it was like going to the bathroom during dinner and coming back and your food is there. it's like, yay! >> jimmy: it's the best part. >> lange: that is great. >> jimmy: that is good, right? that is fun. do you love that? >> lange: it's way better than spring. [ laughter ] >> well, it's pretty exciting. but, my friends and i, we had a stoop party. my friends in brooklyn, we like all sat out on the stoop and we drank white wine and miller high life. >> jimmy: come on, that's what you have to do. that's part of the -- >>
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