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Jun 22, 2010 12:35am EDT
. congratulations. filmed in china, right? >> yes, we filmed in china. i actually just came back from china because we had to open the movie there with jackie chan. i flew in saturday. >> jimmy: how is that being with mr. jackie chan? it must be like -- i mean, he's mr. china. >> yeah, he is. he's a king in china. we went to his new movie theaters that he's opening with "the karate kid." >> jimmy: he has a chain of movie theaters? >> he has a chain of movie theaters. jackie owns china. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i've been to a couple of jackie chan roasters. they have great chicken. [ laughter ] >> i mean, he's all over the place. he owns everything. it's amazing. >> jimmy: really? >> yes. i mean, it was great being in china with jackie -- >> jimmy: that most be -- absolutely amazing. a cool experience. >> -- because he took real good care of us. >> jimmy: yeah, he's like in real life, kind of, like a mr. miyagi. >> he's a sweetheart. i couldn't have asked for a better mentor for my son. he really took jaden underneath his wing and really taught him everything that he k
Aug 10, 2010 12:35am EDT
"work of art" on bravo, china chow is here. [ cheers and applause ] she's funny. and we got some good music and performance from menomena, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] that's a lot of show. that's a lot of show. should be really fun. everybody, we love gadgets on this show, and we love games. that's why it's time, once again, for "cellphone shootout." >> "cellphone shootout!" ♪ >> jimmy: all right, here's how the game works. we're gonna invite three people down here with cellphone cameras. a bunch of images are gonna flash by on the sharp 108, really fast, like six images a second fast. yeah. [ laughter ] and you're going to snap the picture with your cellphone as they go by. now, whatever you take a picture of, that's what you win. steve, what kind of prizes are we playing for here. >> steve: well, jimmy, today, we have a jar of "law & order" applesauce -- an iphone -- a vision of the future -- and we have the touching serenade from folk duo, tungsten and moore, financial advisers and estate planning. [ applause ] >> jimmy: wait, guys. wait, wait. hold on, hold on. tungsten a
Oct 12, 2010 12:35am EDT
. i hate what china is doing. you know, we're rebuilding china because -- i just -- i don't want to say everything but a lot of the things that we make -- we used to make product. we don't make anything anymore. china makes it, and we are rebuilding china. they have trillions and trillions of dollars that comes from us, and i'm just so tired of seeing what i'm seeing. now if somebody else did it, i would be happy. but nobody is stepping forward. nobody is saying what's going on. and we, you know, have unemployment. we have all of the problems that we have, and we're just -- between oil prices, we have 11 guys sitting around a table saying oil is going to be -- we have oil all over the place. they have tankers out at sea, hundreds of tankers, they don't know what to do with it. they don't know what to do with the oil, there is so much of it. but they fix the price. if you and i did that, if we had stores, we'd go to jail, okay? we would go to jail. so i hate seeing what's happening and so do a lot of other people. so, i'm thinking about it. >> jimmy: that's interesting. i mean, you'r
Jan 27, 2011 3:05am EST
president of china. >> jimmy: here's some big tv news. larry king said he would love to be regis philbin's replacement when he retires later this year. [ laughter ] seriously? that's like replacing a discman with a phonograph. [ laughter ] ♪ [ old-timey music ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: "everybody do the regis rag." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is pretty crazy. police across the south say that synthetic cocaine is being sold in gas stations disguised as bath salts. so, just a warning, if you recently bought bath salts at a gas station, why did you do that? [ laughter ] "i'll get a scratch-off ticket here, a snickers bar -- are those bath salts? [ laughter ] i got to get one of those. i had a rough day. [ laughter ] soak it all off." >> steve: "give me an eight ball of bath salts, man." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "what was that?" >> steve: "eight ball of bath salts, you got that?" >> jimmy: "hey, that's weird that our voices sound like this." [ laughter ] >> steve: "jimmy weirded out." >> jimmy: "did you eat soup over a charlie's?" >> steve: "oh, my god, i did!" [ laughter ]
Jan 28, 2011 12:35am PST
respected anymore. we're like a whipping post for the world. people take advantage, like china, like opec. i mean, we make nothing here anymore. we make nothing in this country. china makes our product. we are rebuilding china, jimmy. we're rebuilding china because so much of our product -- when i build a building, half of the products i order have to come from china, not that i want to do that. and you look at what opec is doing to the price of oil, every time our economy gets a little bit better. now it's up to $92 a barrel. get ready 'cause this is the same thing that happened last time and they bleed -- they really suck the blood out of you, as a country, and -- >> jimmy: what is it based on? >> i hate to see -- i hate to see, jim, what's happening to this country. we're just no longer that great place that we were. we're not respected. our leaders aren't respected, and it's something that bothers me very much. >> jimmy: wow. so you might just do it, but -- [ cheers and applause ] can -- if you do run, can you please make your running mate a "real housewife"? [ laughter ] i just think
Nov 19, 2009 3:28am EST
that when i was getting married and i was going to register for my dishes and china and stuff, it was november and i went up to the counter and i said "i think we're going to go with this pattern," and i felt like it was weird and queer, because what does china have to do with marriage, anyway. and it was so awkward, because he kind of likes china, and i didn't really like it, and that was a weird thing. >> jimmy: that's weird. >> anyways, we go up there, and the guy goes, "hey, i went as you in the neck brace for halloween this year." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're like "anyways, this pattern is --" that just shows how great you are as an actor, comedy-wise. >> that's so sweet. >> like, i'm just going to go down -- "broadcast news," when you were running down the hallway, it was -- amazing. >> that was jim brooks. >> jimmy: jim brooks. yeah, amazing. "school of rock," when you just -- "edge of seventeen" when you do that -- i just went nuts. how are you doing this? >> you're going to make me blush. >> jimmy: "working girl." "working girl." come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> carly
Feb 15, 2012 12:35am EST
fact, obama bought michelle the nicest bracelet china's money could buy. [ laughter ] he really went all out. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: went all out. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: go for it, yeah. did you see this? one of the awards at this week's westminster dog show went to martha stewart's chow chow named genghis khan. [ laughter ] that's weird. i mean, if martha wanted to name the dog after a ruthless tyrant, she should have gone with martha stewart. [ laughter ] you know? you could easily -- it's just an easy -- [ cheers and applause ] i just read this. in the past year, 118,000 drivers in new york were ticketed for using their cell phones behind the wheel. while the rest are really good at doing this. hold on, there's a cop. [ laughter ] "i had to put the phone down. i can't hear you right now." [ cheers and applause ] "don't worry about it. i can't pick up the phone. i can't hear you if you're talking. i can't hear you. okay, go ahead. what?" [ laughter ] there's another cop. "okay, the phone's down now. on my lap." hey, you guys, we have donald trump on
Oct 1, 2013 12:35am EDT
movie fans. china is building an $8 billion movie studio to compete with hollywood. big news. you know, they actually started competing in other ways, too. they've been releasing well-known american movies and renaming those guys. you know the movie "we're the millers," funny comedy. china just came out with this one. "it's us, the wu family." [ laughter ] [ applause ] you can tell that it's the same -- i knew it. i could tell. >> steve: you could tell. >> jimmy: they're also releasing "the lone ranger." and they're renaming it "he who rides horse in bad movie." [ laughter and applause ] they're doing it. i can't -- i can't stop them. >> steve: yeah, i can't stop them, they're china. >> jimmy: and finally, gosh, love this video. it made me laugh. a high school marching band in austin, texas -- they are a great marching band. they're performing at a halftime, at a football game this weekend. and there was little problem with the tubas. check this out. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they were this close to impressing the cheerleaders. we have a great show tonight. give it up
Mar 9, 2010 3:05am EST
together. and here's a little dude i got in china. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what is this dude? >> i actually got this dude at a 99-cent store in china. and let me see. >> jimmy: i like him already. >> yeah, he's pretty cool, man. >> jimmy: yeah, i think -- >> he's battery powered. let me see if he works. well, doesn't look like the batteries work. it is a 99-cent store in china. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: does not work. normally what would it do? >> it would dance and sing around. i like him because it's a baby but he looks like he's 85. >> jimmy: interesting, yeah. does look like -- >> one of my favorite pieces. >> jimmy: brilliant one. do you have one more thing? >> you know what, man? >> jimmy: what? >> one of my favorite pieces and it's your anniversary show. i think i'm going to give this to you, mmy. [ audience aws ] [ applause ] you deserve it, man. you deserve it. >> jimmy: i deserve this? >> yep. it's yours, man. >> jimmy: thank you so much. thank you. this is fantastic. >> you've been working hard for a year now. you earned it. >> jimmy: i did, i earned it. and it doesn't work
Feb 21, 2013 12:35am EST
that the white house may fine china for its recent cyber attacks on american companies. [ scattered cheers ] the fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back china. and so that would be -- [ laughter ] -- perfect. [ cheers and applause ] m.c. escher. check this out. today doctors at a hospital in texas live tweeted a baby's delivery. i thought it was weird, they kept using the hashtag #yuck. [ light laughter ] but these doctors, they live tweeted a baby's delivery and even posted some videos of the birth on youtube. most people called it a bit much while kim and kanye called it a great idea. [ laughter ] they might -- guys, this isn't good. a new study found that almost 13 million americans had their identity stolen last year. that's crazy, isn't it, higgins? >> yeah, crazy, man. [ laughter ] get this, guys, in an effort to reduce its debt, the postal service is launching its own line of clothing and accessories. yeah, they come in one size, embarrasses all. [ light laughter ] it's just going to be fantastic. blue pol
Jul 2, 2011 3:35am PDT
they call that in china, brown bagging it. [ laughter ] >> steve: they eat dogs. >> jimmy: they eat dogs. >> steve: it's a cultural thing. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, fans of amy winehouse, who booed her offstage because she showed up drunk, for clearly forgetting the artist you went to see was amy winehouse. [ laughter ] >> steve: that's her name, winehouse. >> jimmy: you got what you paid for, man. wouldn't it be weird if she came thank you, miniature schnauzers or as i like to call you, miniature sean connerys. steve, what did you say? >> steve: you know what they call that in china? >> jimmy: what? >> a 007. it was on the menu. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was a good one. thank you, people who say, "keep me posted," for politely saying "i'm not really interested and i want to get out of this conversation." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ thank you, butterflies, for being flamboyant moths. there's a little dot over here. snuggle up in a cocoon. >> jimmy: thank you, people who think i will help them move if they offer me free pizza and beer, or i could just buy
Jun 30, 2011 12:50am EDT
traveling a lot. i was just in china. i was shooting "the man with iron fists." >> jimmy: oh, yeah. what is -- can you explain this again? >> okay. riza wrote a script. >> jimmy: riza from woo tang clan? >> riza from woo tang clan. >> jimmy: he wrote a script? >> he wrote a script. and not only did he write. he directed it. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. and russell crow is in it, and we -- it's a -- it's like -- it's a period piece in the 1800s. so, we're up, like, in these crazy outfits. yeah, riza. never underestimate. >> jimmy: in the 1800s? >> yeah, full-on, like, warrior costumes. really cool. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it turned out great, huh? >> he did a great job. >> jimmy: it's like an action movie? >> it's an action movie. there's a bunch of stuff in it. it's love story. it's an action movie. >> jimmy: so that's pretty cool. you were in china for how long? >> i was in china. i visited. i was there for, like, four or five weeks. and then after that, i went down to -- i went south and visited a community where they had children -- you know, i partnered up with heinz
Aug 12, 2009 3:05am EDT
-- >> china. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i did -- i did -- ugh! china. [ laughter ] it's so -- it's filthy. and the bathrooms are troughs. has anyone been to china that --and you -- i swear to you, this is not a joke. co-ed and you're down like this. it is so horrible. and there are people on both sides. and i was wearing tiffany earrings and one dropped. and i couldn't. as a jew, i still couldn't do it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i love you. joan is doing stand-up in new york city for the next three weeks at the west bank cafe. go see her in person. joan rivers, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] arctic monkeys perform next. you have to come back. >> i know. >> jimmy: you have to come back. [ cheers and applause ] m♪ sam adams boston lager is my favorite because it has so much flavor. so i wanted to design a glass that would enhance the taste of boston lager. we did a laser etch on the bottom. it releases the hops aromas this bulb is for collecting aromas. there's a little ridge on the inside. and that allows you to sense the hops as it enters your mouth. the way this hits your tongue, you
Oct 7, 2010 12:35am PDT
jobs to china. china. india. russia. poland. i know precisely why those jobs go. [ male announcer ] because fiorina shipped them there. to shanghai instead of san jose. bangalore instead of burbank. proudly stamping her products "made in china." 30,000 workers gone while fiorina took $100 million for herself. carly fiorina. outsourcing jobs. out for herself. [ barbara boxer ] i'm barbara boxer, and i approved this message. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: those of you at home did not see that, but during commercial break, we played another game. you scored three in a row. >> i did. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh, you're a ringer. >> i did. all my best work is off camera. but thank you for filming it. >> jimmy: well, congratulations on the win. >> thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you guys, our next guests are the hosts of a very popular, very funny hour-long quiz show on npr called "wait wait... don't tell me!" please welcome carl kasell and peter sagal, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm good. how are you? >> jimmy: welcome. thank
Oct 16, 2010 12:35am PDT
shipped jobs to china. china. india. russia. poland. i know precisely why those jobs go. [ male announcer ] because fiorina shipped them there. to shanghai instead of san jose. bangalore instead of burbank. proudly stamping her products "made in china." 30,000 workers gone while fiorina took $100 million for herself. carly fiorina. outsourcing jobs. out for herself. [ barbara boxer ] i'm barbara boxer, and i approved this message. well, it all adds up.ip coupons? out for herself. that's sweet mom. in honor of your thriftiness, i'll serve- [jack's voice] 2 croissant sandwiches for just 3 bucks. made with fresh egg, sausage or our new hickory smoked bacon and melting cheese. your such a good son. i'm so glad you dropped by! i love coming home mom. patty, call the doctor. it's been more than 4 hours... hi jack. you know it's bad when the press asks if you'd take a lie detector test. meg whitman didn't tell the truth about not voting or about how long she lived in california. she got caught in insider deals at goldman sachs. she changed her story about physically abusing an employee. she camp
Aug 27, 2011 12:35am PDT
fallon." it will be a fun show tonight. i love you, too. [ light laughter ] this isn't good. china is angry at the united states because president obama met with the dalai lama over the weekend. you can tell china's pissed. when i opened a fortune cookie today, it said "watch your back a-hole." [ laughter ] i go, what? then it said, in bed. because that's a funny joke. [ laughter ] funny joke. >> steve: just joking. >> jimmy: it's a funny comedy joke that people do. very funny. [ applause ] i think china's mad at president obama for meeting with the dalai lama. i mean, come on. obama doesn't owe them anything. except like $14 trillion. but -- [ laughter ] you guys see this? rupert murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today and a man attacked him with a pie. [ laughter ] he attacked him with pie. yeah. unfortunately murdoch knew to move out of the way because he already heard about the plan on the guy's voice mail. [ laughter ] so, he knew it already. he's like, that pie's going to come out right now. there you go. [ applause ] there she is. this is crazy. police in cali
Jun 19, 2010 1:06am EDT
a sign please ♪ ♪ if everything is made in china, are we chinese and why do haters separate us like we siamese ♪ ♪ technology turning the planet into zombies everybody all in everybody's dirty laundry ♪ ♪ acid rain, earthquakes hurricane, tsunamis terrorists, crime sprees assaults and robberies ♪ ♪ cops yelling "stop freeze" shoot him 'fore he try to leave air quality so foul ♪ ♪ i gotta try to breathe endangered species and we running out of trees if i could hold the world ♪ ♪ in the palm of these hands, i would probably do away with these anomalies everybody checking for the ♪ ♪ new award nominees wars and atrocities look at all the poverty ignoring the prophecies ♪ ♪ more beef than broccoli corporate monopoly weak world economy stock market toppling ♪ ♪ mad marijuana oxycontin and klonopin everybody out of it well i've been ♪ ♪ thinking about and i've been breaking it down without an answer ♪ ♪ i know i'm thinking out loud but if you're lost and around why do we suffer ♪ ♪ why do we suffer uh huh, yeah, it's still me one of your biggest
Dec 10, 2009 3:05am EST
international news. china is going to build new disneyland right in shanghai. it's just like our disneyland, but, in china, goofy and pluto are items on the menu. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] they eat dogs. they eat dogs in china. google it. bing it if you don't believe me. and finally, tonight at the white house president obama and his first lady, michelle, host an event celebrating classical mus. john mccain was jealous. last time mccain go to hear mozart was when he performed at his prom. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have great show tonight. give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what a great show we've got tonight. last night was insane for me by the way. i just got to tell you this story. it was -- it was unbelievable. it was very exciting. i went to mayor bloomberg, he invited me to introduce him when he does his acceptance speech -- i can't even talk. uh, so i go there. i go do this after our show. we go tape and then i think they were gonna announce it around 9:00. between 9:00 and 9:30. they were going to call it and say he's the mayor. and then i come
Apr 29, 2011 12:35am EDT
is planning to hire 50,000 new employees in the china over the next two years. they have a good plan to find workers. they're just going to put job applications in 50,000 happy meals. [ audience oohs ] >> steve: because they're children. [ scattered applause ] >> jimmy: as a matter of fact, they're also planning to open 700 new mcdonald's in china by 2013. yeah, they have a great dollar menu, or as china calls it, the worthless menu. [ light laughter ] >> steve: come on. come on! come on! come on! [ scattered applause ] that one's a 73. come on -- >> jimmy: you don't have to laugh. [ light laughter ] check this out. a new study found that students who use facebook while studying have 20% lower grades than students who focus. [ laughter ] when kids who use facebook heard that they were like, "20%, big deal? what's that like -- 10%?" [ laughter ] and finally, i heard that arnold schwarzenegger is going to star in a new "terminator" movie. yeah, he's back. [ scattered cheers ] of course he's getting a little older. his new catch phrase is -- [ as arnold ] "ow, my back." [ laughter ] lad
Oct 6, 2010 12:35am PDT
, she laid off 30,000 workers and shipped jobs to china. china. india. russia. poland. i know precisely why those jobs go. [ male announcer ] because fiorina shipped them there. to shanghai instead of san jose. bangalore instead of burbank. proudly stamping her products "made in china." 30,000 workers gone while fiorina took $100 million for herself. carly fiorina. outsourcing jobs. out for herself. [ barbara boxer ] i'm barbara boxer, and i approved this message. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. our next guest this evening is a renowned culinary and travel expert whose new book "medium raw" is currently in stores. his show "no reservations" just aired the 100th episode on the travel channel. please welcome anthony bourdain, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> hey, how you doing? >> jimmy: thanks for coming on the show, i appreciate it. you know, i'm a giant fan of yours. my mom gave me for a christmas present, i bet you remember this. she got me an autographed copy of "kitchen confidential." >> i remember. >> jimmy: it was at the culinary institute. >
Oct 5, 2013 12:35am EDT
. [ cellphone beeps ] this is the age of taking action. viagra. talk to your doctor. he can talk to china, mongolia and all the koreas and he eats velveeta shells and cheese. so who are you calling amateur? liquid gold. eat like that guy you know. you raise her spirits. we tackled your shoulder pain. you make him rookie of the year. we took care of your cold symptoms. you take him on an adventure. tylenol® has been the number 1 doctor recommended brand of pain reliever for over 20 years. but for everything we do, we know you do so much more. tylenol®. but for everything we do, we know you do so much more. forgfructis hydra. get recharge shampoo.asts! with beads that burst, and a superfruit blast. hair is silky, surprisingly weightless - hydrated for 2 full days. fructis hydra recharge they top it off with sweet honey and a kick of cracked black pepper in their signature honey pepper sauce. and they top that top off with crispy fried jalapenos and onions. and to top the top of that top off, it's on their famous 2 for $20 menu. applebee's new honey pepper sirloin. see you tomorrow. ♪
Feb 16, 2012 12:35am EST
, feel them ignite. keep life sexy. [ sighs ] i can't wait till morning. wait! it's morning in china! [ male announcer ] it's sweet, it's nutty... it's absolutely delicious. kellogg's crunchy nut. it's morning somewhere. it's absolutely delicious. kellogg's crunchy nut. with a selec-terrain dial that adjusts the jeep grand cherokee's performance for specific weather and road conditions, even heavy snowstorms won't keep you from getting to work... our apologies. my dad and grandfather spent their whole careers here. [ charlie ] we're the heartbeat of this place, the people on the line. we take pride in what we do. when that refrigerator ships out the door, it's us that work out here. [ michael ] we're on the forefront of revitalizing manufacturing. we're proving that it can be done here, and it can be done well. [ ilona ] i come to ge after the plant i was working at closed after 33 years. ge's giving me the chance to start back over. [ cindy ] there's construction workers everywhere. so what does that mean? it means work. it means work for more people. [ brian ] there's a bright
Apr 22, 2010 12:35am EDT
can wash, rinse and blow dry your dog in 30 minutes. they have the same thing in china, but it doubles as a snack machine. [ audience groans ] [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] they eat dog in china. it's not my fault. yeah. ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. give it up for the roots. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: great show everybody. booker t. jones. [ cheers and applause ] legendary booker t.! the legendary booker t. and the mgs sitting with the roots tonight and tomorrow night, too, right? good to have you back. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thanks for coming back. >> cool. >> jimmy: we have a fun show tonight, guys. this weekend's host of "saturday night live" and the funny star of "the hangover," zach galifianakis is in the building. [ cheers and applause ] he's a great guy, really funny. the star of tim burton's new 3d version of "alice in wonderland," the lovely mia wasikowska is joining us. beautiful. [ cheers and applause ] and we've got music from very good rock 'n' rollers, silversun pickups, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] oh, man! it's so exciting. now, as
Jun 29, 2011 3:20am EDT
] and a two liter bottle of pepsi too, probably. get this. a company in china is selling a $5,000 sex doll that can recognize and chat with its owner. doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of the sex doll? [ laughter ] "i never take you anywhere?" that's right, a sex doll that recognizes its owner. that's got to be so embarrassing when you're out to dinner with your family, like, "dave? [ laughter and applause ] dave flanigan? hello. it's me, anna, your sex doll. [ laughter ] who's that that's with you?" [ light laughter ] and finally, a strip club in the uk is using a hypnotist to get customers to spend more money. at least that's what some guy told his wife when she found his credit card bill. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! ♪ sometimes i dream bigger than i live sometimes i think better when i'm lit ♪ ♪ so, go on and light it roll it up ignite it one time for all my people that dreamed ♪ ♪ it then real-lifed it i swear i been through everything in life but a coffin ♪ ♪ they sayin' sky's the limit how trick? i'
Feb 4, 2010 3:05am EST
weekend. [ laughter ] remind me again, why is china's education system beating ours? [ laughter ] hey, this is just weird. a new mp3 player that wraps around a pregnant woman's stomach and plays music for her unborn baby. it's great if you want the kids to stutter and his first words to be -- "poker face, p-p-poker face." [ laughter ] you guys play rock band? anyone here play rock band? [ cheers and applause ] well, the makers of rock band have launched an online store that allows any artist to sell video game versions of their songs. am i the only one who really hopes the "pants on the ground" guy hears about this? [ laughter ] ♪ green on the blue green on the blue looking like a yellow with your green on the blue ♪ [ laughter ] "green on the blue," that's his hit song. finally, police in ohio are looking for a man who tried to rob a subway restaurant. of course, if he ends up in prison, he'll get his choice of a six-inch or a foot-long every single night. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] [ applause ] i know, i know. i didn't even know they served sandwiches in jail. i totally agree
Apr 28, 2011 3:05am PDT
tibetan mastiff puppy, was just sold in china for a million dollars. it's a lot of money, but that also includes an appetizer and dessert. [ laughter ] [ audience groans ] they eat dog in china. sorry, everybody. [ light laughter ] i don't know what to make of this. officials in texas say someone hacked into an electric road sign and changed the messages to "poop" and "lol." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] come on, guys. what kind of childish, immature person told on him? [ laughter ] because that's a funny bit. poop. [ light laughter ] genius -- the guys a genius. >> steve: and they say america is number two. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: very nice. a woman in new mexico, you guys, is suing a chile's restaurant after she found a sewing needle in her food. the weird thing was, afterwards the cook came out and said -- ♪ i want my needle back needle back, needle back i want my needle back needle back, needle back ♪ ♪ i want my needle back needle back, needle back chili's needle ribs ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ choking heather [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and finally, this isn't good. na
Dec 17, 2010 12:35am PST
finally found a home. i don't want to say the dog is ugly, but even people in china were like, "no thanks, just ate." [ audience ohs ] [ laughter and applause ] that's true. they eat dog in china. and finally, mtv just released the trailer for season three of "jersey shore" where snooki is seen falling face first in the sand. [ laughter ] man, as if the beach didn't have enough crabs. you know? [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. give it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: we've got a fantastic show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] a good one. the hilarious, the talented -- paul rudd is here. [ cheers and applause ] he's one of our pals. [ cheers and applause ] great guy. from the new film "casino jack," the very funny, one of my all-time favorites -- jon lovitz is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] oh, my gosh. [ applause ] and we've got some great music by a great performer. aloe blacc is here tonight. he's going to be good. [ cheers and applause ] [ jimmy singing ] you guys, there are exactly six shows before we go on christmas b
Oct 13, 2011 12:35am PDT
americans don't know. i know for a fact that china's using lasers to blind our satellites and melt the north pole. [ light laughter ] i know that thunder is the sound of god bowling with the angels. i know that in every city in america, there's one fire hydrant that's filled with cool whip and if you find it, then oh happy day, a dollop of cool whip for all. [ laughter ] obamacare spelled backwards is eracamabo, which is an old apache indian term meaning "evil voodoo medicine." [ light laughter ] i know that there's a lizard king who dwells at the center of the earth and controls the weather with his mind. [ light laughter ] i know that the only way to save the economy is to print a bajillion dollar bill, then go to a target and buy a pack of gum, and then they have to give you all that change. [ light laughter ] lastly, i'm ready to stand toe to toe with china and not blink. i never blink. i haven't blinked since 2004. [ light laughter ] i'm michele bachmann and i really can't afford this message. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, the biggest story last night was herman cain
May 2, 2013 12:35am PDT
hot. you know, in china there used to be, if i may say this, and you can beep it out if you want to, >> jimmy: sure. >> but in china, there used to be torture and execution, death by a thousand cuts. in the united kingdom, it's death by a thousand puffs. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we have a -- [ applause ] we have a very cool show tonight, and just to see you guys all hanging out. did you meet johnny marr? did you see him walking around? >> i met -- >> jimmy: kal? >> mr. kal, yes, i did. >> jimmy: kal penn, yes. >> and his parents. >> jimmy: that's right, he brought his mom and dad. >> so because kal and his mum and dad are here, i'm not allowed to do my funny indian accent. [ laughter ] i was dying to do it. >> jimmy: but you can't do it tonight. >> i can't do it. >> jimmy: no you absolutely -- yeah. it would be rude. [ in indian accent ] >> mr. and mrs. kal would be very upset to hear this. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: absolutely! that is a great accent! you're the best at doing it. >> half of my dna, half of my dna is india -- from india. [ laughter ] one-half. the other half
Jan 31, 2014 12:36am PST
missed you. >> steve: thanks. [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: guys, get this, china says it may ban people from setting off fireworks for the chinese new year tomorrow. because of heavy smog throughout the country. when asked to elaborate officials in china were like, what? who said that? [ laughter ] [ applause ] are you over there? and finally a new poll found that a record 55% of americans support legalizing marijuana. [ cheers and applause ] and we actually have some data to back that up. here's a pie chart. 28% of americans don't support legalizing marijuana. 17% don't have an opinion. and the other 59% ate the pie. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a great show tonight, oh, it's fun. [ cheers and applause ] she is amazing, i love this girl. she's hosting "saturday night live" this weekend. melissa mccarthy is back on the program! [ cheers and applause ] so funny, so nice, you can't beat her. melissa and i are going head to head in a game of "box of lies." and we have music from this guy. he's a legend. i
Feb 3, 2012 12:35am PST
morning. wait! it's morning in china! [ male announcer ] it's sweet, it's nutty... it's absolutely delicious. kellogg's crunchy nut. it's morning somewhere. gives you a 50% annual bonus! so you earn 50% more cash. according to research, everybody likes more cash. well, almost everybody. ♪ would you like 50% more cash? no! but it's more money. [ male announcer ] the new capital one cash rewards card. the card for people who want 50% more cash. what's in your wallet? woah! [ giggles ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: everybody, welcome back. we're here in indianapolis, having a great time. before we move on, i want to remind everybody about something really cool that we came up with for the super bowl. everybody's talking about it. no one is talking about it. if you look under your seat, you'll find some "late night with jimmy fallon" three-minute warning rowdy rags. [ cheers and applause ] this is something we totally made up. [ laughter ] what we want you to do is if you're at the super bowl on sunday, and you see that it's three minutes left in either half, take
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