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Comedy Central
Dec 7, 2016 1:37am PST
. >> i always hate that i have to have my ties made in china. we can't continue to allow china to rape our country. china is ripping us off. they're taking our jobs. we want deal! china, china, china! >> trevor: chyyyna! ( laughter ) quick question, how are you going to fight a country when you can't even pronounce their name? chyyyna. chyyyna. sounds like a toddler who just learned the name of her private parts. chyyyna! chyyyna! chyyyna! that's where my ties come from! ( talking like a baby ) and, by the way, why do donald trump's suits fit so poorly? i don't understand why they fit like this. they're made for you and by you! why would they fit so badly? i wouldn't be so shocked his suits fit like that because he exaggerates his measurements to his tailors. no, my arm's this long! ( laughter ) since the '80s, trump has been itching to pick a fight with chyyyna. even though it's 44 days till he officially takes office he's already started (bleep). >> in an unprecedented move mr. trump took a call from taiwan's president, breaking tradition. >> calling it a blunder. >> phone call touch
Comedy Central
May 26, 2016 11:00pm PDT
because of the threat posed by militarily aggressive china which is seizing territory in both the east and south china seas. >> trevor: there is a big deal, obama selling arms to vietnam and only doing it because china is seizing territory in the south china sea. i love how passive aggressive world leaders are. they're never just, like, yo, china, cut it out! instead, obama is, like, vietnam, i have 34eus also -- china, are you watching? china! just wait. vietnam, i have some -- china, china! vietnam, i have some -- china! yeah, watch, some missiles for you! some missiles! (laughter) you know, politics aside, people, you have to admit barack obama is the coolest president ever. he really is. he plays basketball, he tells jokes. (cheers and applause) you know, he smokes. it's like as if the president were black. just something special. now he's leaving and looks like choosing his replacement is a lot harder than anyone expected because 2016 was hillary's presidency to lose. looks like that's exactly what she's doing. >> for the first time ever it is close. 43.3% to 43.2 -- >> the o
Comedy Central
Oct 7, 2016 1:35am PDT
first presidential debate, china was mentioned 12 times, so we sent watters down to new york's chinatown to sample political opinion. >opinion. >> okay, first of all, let me get this straight -- they say china in the debate so you go to chinatown? in new york? so when they mention mexico, do you send someone to taco bell? chinatown is nothing like china! they have nothing to do with each other. it's like women's rights, i decide to go to fox news to get opinions. ( laughter ) as dumb as that premise, is it is nothing compared to the idiosy that followed. by the way, we haven't added anything. this is original footage from fox news. ♪ ♪ >> am i supposed to bow to say hello? ( speaking foreign language ) >> i like these watches, are they hot? >> j.c. penney. >> who are you going to vote for? >> clinton's wife. >> what's her name? >> i forget. >> snap out of it. do you know karate? >> yeah. >> hit my hand. oh, that's the spot... is it the year of the dragon? ♪ cravat -- >> no, it's actually the year of go (bleep) yourself! ( cheers and applause ) what the hell was that? hous
Comedy Central
Jul 28, 2016 9:44am PDT
china. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? it's probably china? america is about to elect a president who treats foreign affairs like a game of clue? it's probably china with the computer in the library? what do you mean probably china? (applause) up to this point, up to this point nobody else had mentioned china. no one had mentioned china in connection with the e-mail hack. nobody. most people in a position to know said it's russia. but after about 30 minutes, donald trump then said this. >> we done even know who it is. i heard this morning, one report said they don't think it's russia, they think it might be china. >> trevor: i'm sorry, you heard this morning. you were the one who said it! how do you say that, oh, i heard, i heard this morning. i heard this morning, when i said it myself. you can't do that, sir, you can't do that. you can't cite yourself as a source. and you know how i know that, because someone said it earlier in this show. me, i said that. you can't cite yourself, it's like editing your own wikipedia page, what the hell is wrong with you. this is [bleep] is getting scary. i
Comedy Central
Jul 15, 2016 1:35am PDT
korea has nuclear weapons. >> next our foreign policy. >> china. >> china. >> qaddafi in libya is killing thousands of people. >> go into libya, knock this guy out, very quickly. >> i disagree totally. we would be so much better off if qaddafi were in charge right now. >> i love mexican people. >> the hispanics love me. >> i will build a wall. >> this is a wall that is going to work. >> i don't know how people make it on 7.25. an hour. now with that being said, i would like to see an increase of some magnitude. >> wrong, wage toos high. i hate to say t but we have to leave it the way it with is. >> we're going to build a wall. >> it is easy sto be presidential. >> i went to the wharton school of finance. i'm like a really smart person. >> all he i know is what is on the internet. >> this is a wall that is a heck of a lot higher than the ceiling are you looking at. >> china. >> china. >> i love china a. >> i would drop a 25% tax. >> listen you mother [bleep] we're going to tax you. >> this guy say phillie dirty word, he should be ashamed and apologize. >> they lie. but we have our
Comedy Central
May 23, 2016 11:00pm PDT
china. yeah, so if you want american made trump clothing then you basically have to wear a bunch of his steaks, that is how it, was. it makes more sense than eating them, let's be honest am but let's back up a second. let's back up a second. because when done all trump says you're going to pay a 35% tax, you understand, he means you, the american consumer that is who ends up paying the tariff. it feels lick yesterday shoppers were pulling knives on each other to save ten bucks on a blu ray player, but now they are cheering. when everything from thoses country is suddenly one-third more expensive, trump is basically putting economic sanctions on america, you know, the sanctions the same thing the u.s. uses to cripple other countries that is basically trump's economic recovery plan. a plan that could actually deepen the trade imbalance, singt u.s. into recession within a year and lead to a trade war with china and mexico. this is a trade war. >> these dumbees say oh, well, that's a trade war. trade war! we're losing $500-- 500 billion in trade with china. who the hell cares if there say t
Comedy Central
Jun 5, 2017 11:00pm PDT
policy ideas, looking for guidance, they're going to have to turn to china as the party that remains in this agreement. >> china is investing more in renewable energy than the entire electric sector in the united states. china, we've just given them the opportunity to lead the world. >> trevor: that's right, for decades, american's -- america's president used to lead the world, and now it's up to china. so donald trump may have saved a few coal jobs, but he's ended up outsourcing his own. we'll be right back. ( applause ) ♪ ♪since i came to know you baibe ♪i've been telling you how sweet you're.♪ ♪i've been telling you how good you're.♪ ♪please tell me how i look. ♪you look so good, fantastic man.♪ ♪ i just saved a bunch of money on my car insurhuh. with geico. i should take a closer look at geico... geico can help with way more than car insurance. boats, homes, motorcycles... even umbrella coverage. this guy's gonna wish he brought his umbrella. fire at will! how'd you know the guy's name is will? yeah? it's an expression, ya know? fire at will? you never heard o
Comedy Central
Jun 6, 2017 1:40am PDT
have to turn to china as the party that remains in this agreement. >> china is investing more in renewable energy than the entire electric sector in the united states. china, we've just given them the opportunity to lead the world. >> trevor: that's right, for decades, american's -- america's president used to lead the world, and now it's up to china. so donald trump may have saved a few coal jobs, but he's ended up outsourcing his own. we'll be right back. ( applause ) this is the new henry's hard sparkling. it's a lightly fruit flavored, under 95 calorie, spiked sparkling water. so now you can make the ultra light choice. henry's hard sparkling. the ultra light choice. why give it headlightsver on a like jewels? filled with them? a body that feels sculpted? why give it an interior where even the dash is cut and sewn by hand? it's simple: you can build a car. or you can build a cadillac. it's about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. they got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. (chuckling) or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian.
Comedy Central
Nov 1, 2016 1:35am PDT
god you got the signal. where are you, man? >> i have been in china. as soon as trump won, i got on a plane and got out of here. i'm not dumb. you stayed in america this whole time? >> trevor: yeah, i did. >> you idiot. oh, man, things are great in china. we're all super rich thanks to trump's dumbass trade policies. the trade deal? >> trevor: so much better than nafta act of 2017. >> that was great for china. >> trevor: what are you going in the u.s. >> at trump's white house hotel and casino representing china. i'm here for america's annual yard sale since america went bankrupt. the lincoln my moral, smithsonian, tom hanks, checked out the liberty bell. there is a huge crack on it. i'm not buying a broken-ass bell. >> trevor: i think that's how it's supposed to be. ronny, there is billions of chinese people, why did they send you? >> because i speak english with a perfect american accent. >> trevor: i don't think you have a perfect american accent. >> that's what i told them. you look like (bleep). you should get a job. got to go. >> trevor: ronny, i wanted to ask you one more --
Comedy Central
Jul 27, 2017 11:00pm PDT
presidency isn't a ball, and this country isn't a china shop. >> trevor: well, actually, this country is a china shop. america buys everything from china. i bet if you turned the actual confident over it would say made in china. it sort of it. but i hear what you are saying. and you see those republicans, opposing sessions, they were explaining what donald trump has forgotten. on a pure political level, sessions is exactly the wrong guy for trump to mess with. and not because he's so powerful but because he of what he represents. before sessions joined his campaign, trump was a joke in washington. sessions didn't just bring his cookies to the campaign, he brought credibility. >> jeff sessions, who is legendary on immigration has now endorsed trump. >> the first sitting senator to get behind the billionaire's campaign. >> you get more from republicans, it becomes more and more his nomination. >> yeah. in other words, jeff sessions did for donald trump what dr. dre did for eminem. trust me, this crazy ass quite guy is the real deal, just trust me. sessions convinced the gop establishmen
Comedy Central
Oct 24, 2016 11:00pm PDT
probably seen this [ bleep ] on fox news. >> in the first presidential debate china was mentioned 12 times. so we sent watters down to new york's chinatown to sample political opinion. >> ok let me get this straight. they say china in the debate so you go to chinatown in new york? so when they mention mexico do you send someone to taco bell? chinatown is nothing like china. they got nothing to do with each other. that's like if they brought up women's rights so i decided to go over to fox news, to get their opinions! >> trump has been beating up on china how does that make you feel? >> this might come as a surprise but chinese americans do actually have genuine thoughts about this year's election. that's why i went to chinatown to speak to people in a language they understood: human. >> i'm from queens! >> as a muslim staring down the barrel of a trump presidency, its time for me to say goodbye to america. >> donald j trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of muslims entering the united states. what i want is i don't want them to come here. >> donald trump telling nbc new
Comedy Central
Aug 25, 2016 9:49am PDT
, we don't endorse him. >> we want someone to be tough on china but this guy is known for using his own clothing line that is made in china. >> thousands and thousands of stories. he has people that work for him and then he don't pay them. then he lowers them out of business. >> is he a smart businessman. >> he's a crook. >> but what does this guy know about big business. he is literally wearing a blue clar. sure they were right about trump making stuff overseas and not paying vendors but that doesn't mean he can't also help american workers. >> he will be tough with china. >> let's role play, you be donald trump, i will be china. i need you to be tough on me. >> the american people need to have-- . >> huh? >> we need jobs, i get it but i mean t just doesn't work for me. >> the negotiation with the chinese did not go well. look, the carrier workers just don't get it probably because they never had the privilege of working for the other guy without wrote the art of the deal, not tony schwarz. so i sat down with a hotel worker because she knows how great it is working for trump. >> it
Comedy Central
Oct 8, 2015 6:24pm PDT
. >> let's take a trip to china. >> wow. >> right in front of me talking. there's a wind blowing and i know that's from the flag above me. oh my tour is coming to an end? >> yeah, great, i've always there for 10 seconds. and stand yeah, i saw the flag. i saw the sidewalk. i saw the great dune of china. it's like i don't have to go anymore. >> ronny, it seemed pretty impressive to me. it looked like you could reach out and touch that guy. >> exactly. just some guy. that's not my dad. >> trevor: why would your dad-- >> trevor, it's not all fun and games. there are also practical applications for virtual reality. >> virtual reality has been tried before in football. it has never worked until now. there are limits in college on how much time players can spend on the field. there are no limits to how much time they can spend alone with a virtual reality headset. >> we did it! we found another way to exploit college athletes. ( cheers and applause ) yeah great 3 yeah. now they can take a break from football practice with more football practice. come on. these guys get enough football alrea
Comedy Central
Feb 17, 2016 11:00pm PST
. >> and hois going to pay for it? >> china. it is pretty easy to make china pay for it. china will be paying for the wall. >> shouldn't mexico pay for the wall? >> mexico, sorry. >> it doesn't matter. one of those countries is paying for the wall. donald trump is inaugurated, becomes president of the united states, what's behind the wall. >> isis. >> where should we bomb isis? >> probably israel area, not necessarily there, but around the area. >> see, i think he's going to help with the isis? >> what's he's going to do with the isis? >> he can't tell us right now. if he tells everybody, the next thing you know somebody will copy what he says. >> they knew their trump. once i was under the big top, we were all grooving to trump's power play list, which included "tiny dancer" like 8 ( bleep ) times. hee wasted no time shining the spotlight on himself,. >> it takes gus to run for president, believe me. we've been number one in the polls every single week. i've been on the cover of "time" magazine so much lately. when i was on last week, i didn't even know they were putting me on the cov
Comedy Central
Mar 17, 2016 10:05am PDT
an amazing achievement. florida was so amazing. you lose $500 billion a year with china. we don't win at trade. china, everybody. we're going to win, but more importantly, we're going to win for the country. we're going to win, win, win. >> trevor: sometimes trump's speech seems as though it's loading in his mind as he's speaking. it's like it's buffering and then goes away. "we're gonna..., you know,... china, you know,, you know--" and you're probably like why did you edit the speech like that? because we wanted it to make more sense. here's the thing, trump's popularity has never been about sense. he's tapping into voters' frustration which he's not necessarily responsible for. donald trump didn't invent racism. trump didn't invent islamo phobia. and he didn't invent violence. all he did was put his name on them like he does with everything else. before trump-- . ( cheers and applause ) before trump, republican politicians played to voters' prejudices by masking them with polite-sounding policy talk about individual liberty and states' right. and trump, he just stripped that all aw
Comedy Central
Aug 22, 2017 11:00pm PDT
china are in a tense standoff now over a move by china to build a road through a contested border region. india respond bid deploying military. now cheese troops arrived in the area. growing concern this could turn into an actual conflict. >> video showing chinese and indian soldiers clark near the indian tibetan border. soldiers from oath sides fighting and throwing rocks at each other. >> trevor: wait, wait, wait, throwing rocks? indian and china fought by throwing rocks at each other? ( laughter ) you know the guy behind the camera was, like, third world star! what are you doing? you're armies! that is insane! that's the kind of fight you expect to see in a wendy's parking lot, not between two nuclear superpowers. by the way, if you look at that picture of the beach, if you zoom in, you will see this whole time chris christie was chilling on the beach. ( laughter ) that's what they were fighting about! so where's chri chris christie? that's why there's a war. but while we're on the subject, let's talk about war -- good god, y'all, what is it good for? making someone look presid
Comedy Central
Sep 6, 2016 11:00pm PDT
obama wasn't able to enjoy the labor day weekend because he had to fly to china for his final "g-"2020 summit. they brush up on economics, learn each other's names, and it always ends up the same way, with germany giving france a wedgy. the french guy is having a good time-- "ha, the joke is on you, i don't wear underwear." and the german guy is like, "the double joke is on you. i wasn't reaching for your underwear." i'm sure big papi was glad hfs his final summit. it was not fun for him. first of all, talks broke down with russia. putin refused to agree to a cease-fire in syria. you can see there's no love lost between these two men. just look at this picture. look at this picture of their meeting. ( laughter ) yeah, that is-- i've never seen obama look like-- like, he's looked at trump and he's had a bit of a smile in his eyes. this is just-- wow. he does not like-- like, he's droang him with his eyes right now. they're like the the hidellswift of the g-20. that's what they are. and putin, you forget how small he is, as well. because we're so used to see vladimir putin in propaganda
Comedy Central
Mar 29, 2017 1:40am PDT
defense than china, saudi arabia, russia, great britain, france, india, japan. the denver broncos and bill cosby combined. all of it. now, these numbers may be hard to wrap your head around and luckily to help us see the numbers. jordan klepper has prepared a presentation. jordan klepper, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor, these cans represent america's defense budget and these cans are china, russia and our number one enemy, mexico. now, you can see this comparison, and i know what you're thinking, america needs more cans. that's why trump's proposing to add more cans here by taking cans from other programs. so epa cans, our budget? not anymore. we don't need clean water, we have soda. i'm already starting to feel safer but not state of enough. we need to protect ourselves from three-can mexico right here, and there's no better shield than our children's future. education, what else do i need to learn? i already know i can drink soda instead of water. and the justice department, we can make some cuts there because collin is expanding now so i think we're pretty good. i'll take
Comedy Central
Jul 11, 2017 1:40am PDT
r as,rm america could easily get taken over by terrorists or china. - i guess we owe you an apology. - i guess we owe you one. all: aw... - cartman? cartman saved the day? - it can't be. - the founding fathers want you all to know that we can disagree all we want, as long as we agree that america kicks ass. - ♪ hey, i'm a little bit country ♪ - ♪ and i'm a little bit rock n' roll-a ♪ - ♪ i'll be the muscle of america ♪ - ♪ and me, i'll be the caring soul ♪ both: ♪ and when you put us together ♪ ♪ you get a nation with one goal ♪ ♪ to thrive and prosper ♪ with a little country and rock n' roll ♪ - come on up here, everybody! all: ♪ we're a little bit country ♪ ♪ we're a little bit rock n' roll ♪ - we can be a nation that believes in war... - and still tells the world that we don't. all: ♪ let the flag for hypocrisy ♪ ♪ fly high from every pole ♪ 'cause we're a little bit country ♪ ♪ and we're a little bit rock n' roll ♪ - well, good night, everybody. it sure has been great bringing you 100 episodes. - we wanna thank our guests, the
Comedy Central
Dec 15, 2015 1:34am PST
. listed china as one of its enemies and a few weeks ago they executed a chinese hostage and, now, i.s.i.s. has even released a propaganda video highlighting one very special chinese militant. >> i went to the islamic state and came to training camp, despite my old age. yes, i went to training camp. after receiving a weapon, i asked permission to participate in battle. >> trevor: yes, an 80-year-old chinese grandfather is the oldest member of i.s.i.s. and, look -- i know he's a terrorist with an ak-47, but there is something so cute about this guy. (laughter) it's almost like they radicalized the old man from "up." (laughter) "i'll make you as dead as my lovely why have who passed away while i stood by her bedside! why are you crying?! "and this is just the beginning, i.s.i.s. has began to recruit comes muslims. it's insane i.s.i.s. is worried about diversity because they're not otherwise known for their political correctness, people, but they were sitting around going, we need achings! what is their new strategy? >> the islamic state reportedly released a video that looks to draw
Comedy Central
May 30, 2017 11:00pm PDT
whole world is stepping up their game. china is taking the lead on green energy. that's right, china is going to save the environment. next thing you know, world star is going to bring peace to the middle east. wake up one day and there will be a shaky vertical video of palestinians and israelis living in harmony. trump's taken the training wheels off the world. sure, everyone's afraid they're going to crash into the lamp post by maybe now they'll actually learn how to ride this damn thing. >> trevor: i admire your ability to find the silver lining. >> it's like that time you were out sick and i got to host the show. i wasn't mad at you, i was grateful. the audience was grateful. >> trevor: whoa! ( laughter ) >> and if your ebola or whatever hadn't flared up that day -- ( laughter ) -- i might never have gotten my own show this fall on comedy central. >> trevor: come on, jordan. >> or my upcoming jordan klepper solves guns june is 1 at 10:00 p.m. >> trevor: jordan, are you here making this argument just to plug your project? >> hell, yeah! you heard merkel, it's trump's world, i've got
Comedy Central
Nov 15, 2016 1:44am PST
china! no one talks about the great certificatiers of barrier restrictions of china, no! we want a wall! mexico must be like our currency crashed because of that wall, you better built it, man, hump tee dump tee is like what the [bleep] trump, i can't sit on a fence. i'm not paul ryan. (cheers and applause) oh, and by the way, by the way, if you voted for trump because you thought that no matter what, he would send hillary to prison, well, bad news, bro. >> are you going toyask for a special prosecutor to investigate hillary clinton over her emails? >> well, i tell you what i am going to do i'm going think about it, she did some bad things, i mean she did some bad things. >> i know, but a special prosecutor. >> i don't want to hurt them. i don't want to hurt them. they're good people. >> trevor: wait, wait, the clintons are good people? good people? not neutral people, good people, not even like okay people. you went straight to good people, from this? >> hillary clinton, commonly referred to as crooked hillary. >> she's crooked as a $3 bill. >> she should be in prison. >> she's the que
Comedy Central
Nov 17, 2016 1:44am PST
chinese government is telling people on social media this morning. many people in china call him "kim fat captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org dy central [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight when the day resets and we announce a winner. this is everything that happened online today, minus that fight you got in with your dumb uncle. what a dick he is. i'm chris hardwick. it's just over a week since a furious birds nest was elected, -- birds are getting out right there. and many people are still very afraid because it's not just civil liberties being threatened, it's also shiny things. the donald has promised to tax imports from china, which could raise the price of the iphone, not to mention his plan to ban all iphones that aren't white [laughing] >> wow. chris: listen. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you know these phones -- [ applause ] this potential $50 to $97 increase is, of course, most concerning to liberals since many trump supporters prefer to communicate through illuminati fluoride brain waves. comedians, how else will trump's
Comedy Central
Aug 2, 2017 1:40am PDT
at one point saying it's a hoax by china, it's like a really elaborate prank. ( laughter ) which is what china does. you know how they are. ( laughter ) he went against paris because he felt it was a raw deal for america. essentially the president argues that the cost to the united states far outweighs the benefits of going up against global warming. it seems like an obvious argument but how do you respond to something like that? >> it's a false argument and proven to be false over and over again. actually the biggest source of new jobs is solving the climate crisis. solar jobs are twice as new as other jobs and growing the fastest. single fastest growing job is wind turban technician. if you look in the united states at all the electricity generating capacity built last year, three-quarters was from solar and wind. >> trevor: if we look at america as a world leader, in many ways, donald trump has given up that position, especially when it comes to climate change and fighting. so the world has moved forward, countries like india stepped in and said we will pull our weight in the par
Comedy Central
Nov 11, 2015 11:00pm PST
-- oh, china got us. boom! i will say that cruz's handling of his gaffe was much belter than perry because he just powered through like nothing was wrong. >> commerce, energy, and commerce, that's five. prove me wrong. i bet rick perry was sitting at home like-- well played. and of course, everyone was watching jeb bush whose flagging campaign needed him to come out of the gate strong and confident. >> i was in washington, iowa, about three months ago talking about how bad washington d.c. is. get the-- kind of the-- anyway-- (laughter). >> trevor: what happened? cuz he sets up a joke. but then it just seems like he's too lazy to figure out the punch line. you know, a rabbi and a skinhead walk into a bar and-- ha ha,-- you see how that could-- ha-- i mean-- they're-- ha ha, they're sort of-- sort of, anyway, you get the idea. ha, ha, ha, ha. and it wasn't just his joke. his foreign policy material didn't fare much better. >> the idea that it is a good idea for putin to be in syria, let isis take out assad and then putin will take out isis. that's like a board game, that's like playi
Comedy Central
Mar 6, 2017 11:00pm PST
. >> it is pronounced -- pronouncing. >> wrong, wrong, it's xen. i'm the best at cheeking china. >> what are you wearing? >> it's red and long. >> what do you want me to do to it? >> hands off, perfect. >> hotline. >> failing "new york times," hot tip for you, you fiches. bye-bye. hi, this is donald speaking. >> it's me, tiffany. ( dial tone ) >> hello, hello -- >> 911, what's your emergency? >> god, you got to help me. >> stay calm, sir, what happened? >> i just became president of america, and i don't know what i'm doing. >> trevor: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) classic hershey's outside. with a new creamy, crunchy inside. new hershey's cookie layer crunch. classic reimagined. you know ipad pro can replace a mscanner, pad of paper, and laptop, so you can get rid of that old stuff. yeah, but i'm not getting rid of this. nobody said you had to. goood! we're best friends. we're not in a rush to be most popular. not in a rush not to be. real bourbon. no apologies. ah, thank you. wild turkey®. it'll find you. you may be muddling through allergies.oned with... try zyrtec® fo
Comedy Central
May 2, 2017 11:00pm PDT
broader, strategic framework to try to get china, japan, russia, south korea to put the kind of pressure on the regime that will finally bring them to the negotiating table with some kind of realistic prospect for change. >> trevor: wow. ( laughter ) i mean, no "tremendouses." no hand gestures. not one description of chocolate cake. no. i didn't realize how much i'd missed hearing sentences with a beginning, middle, and end. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i didn't even realize it. like, you can really tell when hillary's speaking, she knows who frederick douglass is. ( laughter ) and now, just-- just for comparison, let's take a look at the current president, who cbs' john dickerson recently asked about the saying that since the oval office has no corners, there's nowhere to hide. and, clearly, the president did not understand that that was a metaphor. >> george w. bush said the reason the oval office is round is there are no corners you can hide in. >> well, there's truth to that. there's truth to that. there are certainly no corners. you look and there's a census openness but the
Comedy Central
Jul 5, 2011 2:05am PDT
happened? >> well, we raised the debt ceiling, borrowed more than we could repay, and when china demanded their money back, there was a repo situation. long story short, we nuked them, they nuked us and have since been at war with their new army of radioactive pandas. [laughter] but it's a small price to pay to live in this beautiful, socialist paradise. >> jon: so neither republicans nor democrats were in any way exaggerating the consequences of each other's policies. >> no, no, in fact, underselling, or as our glorious chairman bobo would say [making chimp noises] all hail bobo. >> oh, please, savages. thank god the laissez faire policies of our dear president field marshal bobo have protected us as he so eloquently stated in his state of the [making chimp noises] >> jon: i think that last parted was a feces throw for emphasis. >> very expressive. >> jon: no matter which party gains tupper hand in 2011, it leads to a dystopia in america governed by apes. >> both: yes. >> jon: no third option might lead to that not happening? >> both: no. [ "chopsticks" plays ] ♪ don't you two
Comedy Central
Dec 16, 2015 1:34am PST
wishes they could make moles this good? >> china! i was thinking the same thing! >> yeah! thank you, doc. >> anytime. mr. trump, one more thing -- >> great hair! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: bravo, bravo! how delightfully stupid. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) other wireless carriers make families share data. some way to say happy holidays. switch to t-mobile now and get up to 4 lines with up to 6gb each. just $30 bucks a line, that's 6gb each plus unlimited video streaming with binge on™. stream netlfix, hbo now , hulu and more without using your data. and now unwrap the samsung galaxy s6 for $0 upfront and just $10 bucks a month. this year tear into the holidays with t-mobile. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to the show! with donald trump still leading the g.o.p. race, the big question is, why the hell? which is why many news organizations have been holding focus groups with trump support, to learn more about his appeal, which is silly and a waste of everyone's time, because "the daily show" already did its own focus group with other real trump supp
Comedy Central
May 11, 2016 11:00pm PDT
out like ( bleep ) happened ages ago. "( bleep ), china. you can kiss my wrinkley royal ass, and you, too, churchill, you fat bastard. i don't want to be the queen. i want to date boys." so what does the queen say. >> trevor: that's it? she called the chinese rude? that's not the queen being scandalous. that's just the queen being british. ( laughter ) every british person thinks that everyone else is rude. it doesn't matter how polite you are. you could throw your coat over a rain puddle for them, and stale they'd be like, "really? a leather jacket? evidently i'm not worth the fur. so rude." , of course, the idea of a world leader standing in front of a microphone and hurling insults at people is absolutely something we have to get used to. ( laughter ) thanks to the fakd that america is growing ever closing to electing a half-melted push-pop. in fact, since the rise of trump, there has been at its peak-- at its peak-- a 1,150% spike in americans goog ling, "how i can move to canada?" yes, this is a real thing which i'm sure canadians are loving. i bet they're like, sure, we're all
Comedy Central
Nov 23, 2016 11:00pm PST
people on social media this morning. many people in china call him "kim fat [cheers and applause] >> chris: yes, yes! [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight when the day resets and we announce a winner. this is what's going on in the bustling chat rooms of america online today. i'm chris hardwick. our future president/good source of vitamin c, donald trump, recently met with barack obama to go over the transition of power and also to ask "what do presidents do?" [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: the exact moment of it just sinking i
Comedy Central
Jan 7, 2016 11:00pm PST
immigrants who get jobs americans want, it's high-skilled immigrants from countries like china and india. you know who supported bringing more of them in last year in the immigration bill? ted cruz? (bleep) yeah. >> trevor: so the ad does sound like propaganda. >> i know! >> trevor: but then again the ad also says i can trust ted! do you see that? >> yeah, i see it. >> trevor: then made the two words to be one word. >> jessica: no, i see it. >> trevor: in south africa, we don't have this technology. >> jessica: i know, but it's clever. i know, i see it. i'm with you. it's okay. it's not that clever. >> trevor: i trusted. i'm not sure you're getting my point. why did marco rubio's face show up in the ad? that's weird. >> it's easy, because ted cruz is so strong on immigration he even put a wall up between himself and his opponent marco rubio. he would never let a cuban man like rubio slip over into his box. >> trevor: that doesn't make sense, ted cruz is cuban. >> canadian-cuban and everyone knows canadian first equals american! everybody knows that! >> trevor: i did not know that.
Comedy Central
Oct 19, 2016 1:35am PDT
, wait, so, wait. you're telling me the guy, the guy who says she's going to tax china, wall mexico, and knock the hell out of isis, that guy can't handle himself in a conversation with billy bush? that's what you're sawing? he got egged on? yeah, apparently donald trump gives in to peer pressure a lot quicker than we realize. you just have to suggest a few things-- oh, wait. i think i just came up to a solution to all our problems. hold on. hey, donald trump, have you ever tried volcano jumping, man? it is so cool. it's when you jump into a volcano. not everyone can do it. you're supposed to only do it if you have a megabig penis and sex with a lot of supermodels. anyway, gotta go. where was i? where was i? ( applause ) all right, all right, melania, melania, was desperately trying to excuse her husband's sexual assault talk. >> he described it as locker room talk. to you, you sort of alluded to that as well. is that what it is to you, just locker room talk? >> yes, it's kind of two teenaged boys. actually they should behave better, right? >> he was 59. >> correct. ( laughter ). >> trev
Comedy Central
Feb 5, 2016 9:37am PST
really think back in ancient china when they were drawing up the lunar calendar some old chinese guy with a long white beard was like, oh, oh, oh, you know what would be funnier if somedays there was a sports league for mostly black people and we give a monkey t-shirt! no! that never happened! and by the way, not every chinese person talks like that, okay, that's racist (laughter) >> trevor: but you were the one doing the accent. >> don't think about it, trevor. who was offended? one fy', demarcus cousins. really? that's the guy we're listening to? he's been a leader in technical fouls for five seasons in a row now. the biggest crybaby in the n.b.a.! oh! that guy fouled me! i hate my coach! that t-shirt hurts my feelings! blah, blah, blah! you know what should hurt your feelings demarcus? your team being tenth place in conference. (audience reacts) if curry complains about a monkey t-shirt, that's a conversation. (audience reacts) >> trevor: wow, ronny, i'm shocked right now. you know a lot about basketball. >> of course, chinese people love basketball. a million chinese basketball p
Comedy Central
Jan 20, 2016 1:33am PST
? right, it's not his fault. trump points to the great wall of china as proof that his proposed border wall with mexico will work. ( laug
Comedy Central
Aug 1, 2016 9:44am PDT
left convinced that relations between the united states and china remain strong and will only grow stronger. president hu. ( speaking chinese ) thank you, president obama. president obama is absolutely correct. in our meeting, we spoke candidly about a wide array of issues. everything under the sun. no topic was off limits. you name it, we covered it. in fact, and correct me if i'm wrong,
Comedy Central
Nov 1, 2016 11:00pm PDT
about the nuclear deal. >> trevor: yes. >> worked very closely with china and russia, which can be difficult interlocutors at times. but we always talk and have to deal with the issues that face us, even when we are on opposing sides of very important issues. >> trevor: you have many difficult decisions that need to be made. like you said, you're getting the president's judgment, giving him briefings. the world is in a place where obviously due to the rise of extremism, whether i.s.i.s. or other forces, certain decisions have to be made by the u.s. when does america decide that it needs to act in a forceful manner? when is that moment? >> well, first of all, america can't afford to be isolationist. we are the world leader, and the world looks to us to play an important role. i think the difficulty or the challenges, what is the form and the nature of our leadership? it's not always the exercise of military force. in fact, that should be something that we exercise relatively rarely, and when our most core interests are implicated. but our diplomatic leadership, our economic leadersh
Comedy Central
Mar 7, 2017 1:22am PST
-- pronouncing. >> wrong, wrong, it's xen. i'm the best at cheeking china. >> what are you wearing? >> it's red and long. >> what do you want me to do to it? >> hands off, perfect. >> hotline. >> failing "new york times," hot tip for you, you fiches. bye-bye. hi, this is donald speaking. >> it's me, tiffany. ( dial tone ) >> hello, hello -- >> 911, what's your emergency? >> god, you got to help me. >> stay calm, sir, what happened? >> i just became president of america, and i don't know what i'm doing. >> trevor: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) this is the silverado special edition. this is one gorgeous truck. oh, did i say there's only one special edition? because, actually there's five. ooohh!! aaaahh!! uh! hooooly mackerel. wow. nice. strength and style. it's truck month. get 0% financing for 60 months plus find your tag and get $5500 on select chevy silverado pick-ups when you finance with gm financial. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. is microsoyeah, it is.he ipad? just head to the app store and download it. now, you have microsoft word on your ipad pro and it works
Comedy Central
Aug 3, 2016 1:38am PDT
. he's dumb. [cheers and applause] donald trump brags about going out and outsmarting china. out smart iran. out smart mexico. guy, you got played by a guy whose name is lying ted. donald trump is like how was i suppose to know. you gave him the name, dumb ass. you are dumb. dumb donald. i will say this though. i will say this. this is something you don't consider. he dodged the bullet with ted cruz. he made cruz crazy. but cruz is psycho for real. he will look his own party in the eye and then pursue to burn it down. last night it remained me of the scene from game of thrones. >> trevor: yes, the a-holes and the last man. i will tell you this, ted cruz flew out naked and triumphant. we will be right i am rich. in my gentleman's quarters, we sip champagne and peruse my art collection, which consists of renaissance classics and more avant-garde pieces. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers. (alien humming) fruit by the foot fun what's on the end of yours? first you start with this. then add this. and this face. wait, we can do better. yeah... that's the one. an
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