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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 574 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 6, 2014 11:00pm PDT
umbrellas and spawning the so-called umbrella revolution. >> jon: thanks, china! (laughter) i'm have to change the name of my new album. (laughter) you know, i spent a lot of time designing that cover. so the umbrella revolution protesting, anyway? >> they're fighting for what they call a full democracy. they want the right to be able to elect their own leaders. the central government in beijing says sure, they can have elections but they can only vote for candidates that have been preapproved by beijing. >> jon: well, that makes sense, i mean what good is an election if all the candidates are the same? like choosing whatever you want for breakfast when you're at denny's. what, dow get all american slam, lumber jack slam, the grand slam-- it's all egg, toast, meat soaked in human missery. that's all it is. (laughter) (laughter) might even get a gift basket from arby's after that hong kongers were also protesting income inequality, housing aford ability and union issues. and i think we know from experience how rowdy that kind of thing can get. >> hong kong protests now really put the civ
Comedy Central
Feb 13, 2012 11:00pm PST
? that's it, outside! do some christians face persecution today? absolutely. in egypt, china, believe me. the christian guy making bricks in a chinese forced labor camp would love to be on hannity complaining about a $20 co-pay for ortho trisigh clean. i know you're not seriously equating yourselves with victims of actual religious persecution in wars. >> you read about what happened to an amazingly great country called germany. in the bebe againing it always starts really really smar. >> he said i didn't speak up when they came for the communists because i wasn't a communist. (audience reacts) >> jon: you want to do the nazi dance? is that what you want to do? you want to do this? all right, let's do this! (cheers and applause) first of all, when the nazis came for people, they also left with them. (laughter) it wasn't a metaphor. and as for your slippery slope, hitler did not start small. his deliberate annihilation of a religion didn't kick off with "insurance reform." (laughter) he started by trying to take over all of germany with a machine gun in a beer hall. they saw him coming
Comedy Central
Aug 1, 2012 9:30am PDT
china will be the overlords be about about a nef y so. we just gassed up for the trip to london or as they call gas in london floggy queaffers. true. you can imagine how excited the romney campaign must be to escape from our greatest alley and -- ally and head to poleland to reset romney's -- poland to reset romney's -- >> the trying press secretary for romney lost his cool and cursed at reporters near the tomb of the unknown soldier in warsaw. [ laughter ] >> jon: so how did the press secretary end up cursing at reporters near the tomb? [ laughter ] what set him off? >> governor romney, do you have a statement for the palestinians? >> what about your gas? [ laughter ] >> jon: what about your gas? sir, they are called floggy-queafers? do you have any new gas in the works? why can kristen stewart cheat on r-pat? answer the -- wow. so apparently they were -- the frustrating reports were testing the line between questions and heckles. >> we haven't had another chance to ask him questions. >> this -- (bleep) this is say holy site for the polish people. show some respect. [ laughter ] >> j
Comedy Central
Feb 5, 2014 7:30pm PST
: welcome back. folks, buckle your seatbelts because the country of china has taken another great leap forward. this time into space. [ laughter ] >> china has become just the third country to take a soft landing on the moon, beijing's newest spacecraft land there'd today. it carried a six wheel lunar rover equipped with four camera and two mechanical laids to dig soil samples. it's called the jade rabbit. >> jon: that's nice, chance good for you. america's apollo lunar rover dates back to 1971 but good for you. 43 years ago meaning normally this is where i would say something like -- i don't know -- suck it china! but i shall refrain. mainly because we wrote it in moon dust 43 years ago. boom! i dropped a bomb on you! i'll even restrain myself from pointing out that the jade rabbit china's source of national prize shares the name of a exotic machine that is ribbed for extra pleasure. that jade rabbit can also send you to the moon. [laughter] and from the looks of it make a very delightful and fluffy so souffle,. we wish china's jade rabbit all the best, long may it rove. >> the lunar
Comedy Central
Nov 15, 2011 6:00pm PST
and take some funny sounding names. >> we have to have china understand that like everybody else on the world stage they have to play by the rules. >> the correct thing in an act of war is to kill people who are trying to kill you. >> for every country the foreign budget will start at zero dollars. >> jim: i think i have the republican take on foreign policy. it's, oh, what is it? boom, b and-boom. china, iran, pakistan. ba-boom. we're back, baby. what's that? oh, crazy gazer satan lady. you wanted to say something. >> i would not agree with that assessment to pull all foreign aid from pakistan. >> jon: lady who believes hp- vaccines called retardation. what? >> pakistan has a nuclear weapon. the next commander in chief has to understand from day one the intricacys that are happening in the middle east. >> jon: you know, sometimes because all the crazy (beep) you say, it's easy to for get you sit on the committee on intelligence. you actually know something about pakistan. all right. all right. you'll be reasonable. let's go to this guy rick santorum. give us foreign policy red meat
Comedy Central
Jul 1, 2013 11:00pm PDT
monday, we were thinking this will be easy, huge summit between china and the u.s. that is what we'll do the show about. boom, that's gone with the n.s.a., and you don't see the story anywhere and yet that was a pretty big deal, the china-u.s. summit. >> in some sense it's the biggest story-- when historians look back they're going to ask was the united states able to live peacefully with the fastest growing, most powsm, new entrant into the world, china. if you look back in history, germany's rise didn't work out so well for europe. two world wars. japan's rise, a bunch of problems there. how china arrives and how the super bowls are able to deal with it will in some way be the story in the 21st century. we built a more cooperative relationship with china. this is the first time the new leadership got a chance to sit down with the american president. they tried to do it dinly. it's mostly good news, which is why you didn't hear about it. >> i guess that's it. but it seemed like they were focusing on building a functioning relationship. if that involves making things under casual, noitiz
Comedy Central
Jan 25, 2013 10:00am PST
to china. while we're suck funyon dust and going broke it seems like china has it all, a growing economy and so many pandas they have been forced to a two panda policy. from now on in china, this is true, only two pandas per family. the place is just ripe with (bleep) pandas. guess what? the grass isn't always greener. >> in china, hazardous record high pollution levels in beijing have prompted an orange fog warning. >> jon: this brings us to the new segment things may be bad but at least we can't chew our air. unemployment is not coming down, the economy is stagnant. let me stop you right there. >> just being outside can make eyes itch and throats burn. >> one expert told me it's becoming an instant motor vehicler. >> jon: s oh, my god, a billion instant smokers. how many marlboro miles could they get? think of china as a wheezing smoker. >> are you expected to talk. >> jon: so, mr. bond, i expect you to -- brb clearing throat] i [clearing throat] [ laughter ] where were we, mr. bond? sorry. [ laughter ] were so gridlocked the senate can't reform the filibuster. stop. >> wash we
Comedy Central
Aug 1, 2012 7:30pm PDT
"winner takes all." it's fascinating. you have cataloged that china has been tenaciously gathering commodities for the coming apoke apoke -- apocalypse. is that their plan? >> it's not their plan they have a big agenda in front of them. 1.3 billion people, 300 million people that live like us and a billion people living in dire poverty. their most important priority is to make sure they can deliver economic growth and improve livelihoods for the population jonches the way they've decided to do it is in the old ways, the way we would do it is we would conquer a nation and we would say, what do you have in that mountain? we'll take it. china has chosen a slightly different approach. what is their approach? >> their approach is much more friendly. they really are focused on sim buy yoasis. they are offering places like south america, africa and developed economies like canada and australia exactly what the places need. in the emerging markets where 90% of the world's population lives, people are incredibly poor but trying to improve livelihood. they need trade and investment. 60% of t
Comedy Central
Dec 17, 2013 9:00am PST
like four decades ago? well, apparently not. >> china has become just the third country to take a soft landing on the moon. beijing's newest space craft landed there today. >> jon: today! in 2013, today, it's like the new york city marathon you know how around hour eight there's one inspirational guy in a cast who wouldn't give up and he makes it all the way and then he is followed by another guy in a bear suit for some reason (bleep) nobody knows why. in the space race that intair china. [ laughter ] that means -- that bear is china. it's time to dust off the reoccurring segment space race 1957! ♪ so what do we know know about the people's republics ea new moon rover. >> solar power will expect for the next three months in search of valuable mineral deposits it's called the jade rabbit. >> oh, i've read science fiction stories about this sort of thing. i never thought i would see the day that people in china were allowed to vote. boom! communists ol garky slam. [laughter] it's impressive though that the entire nation of china came out to vote. americans won't get off their asse
Comedy Central
Apr 10, 2013 11:00pm PDT
may ask themselves why do they get away with this (bleep). >> china north korea's closest ally. >> the chinese have used their veto in the scowns toll protect north korea china has sworn to protect them against unprovoked aggression. >> jon: china! north korea has a big shot friend in the neighborhood. it's like that movie my body guard. north korea is the bratty dude giving the finger to the world but the hand some and masculine world can't do anything about it because of north korea's enormous pal who, besides being a physical special men holds $1.2 trillion in our debt. there's one problem. >> the tough talk by the chinese government is any indication they are getting pretty much fed up. >> they are willing to start putting pressure on north korea. >> jon: oh, boy matt dillon is going to kick north korea's ass now. apparently there's bad blood brewing but the crazy thing for us is how we here at the show found out about it. you may have seen last week we may have had a little gentle fun of north korea of among other things threatening to bomb austin, texas. little miss un-sh
Comedy Central
Mar 13, 2013 7:30pm PDT
ideas? >> we know china is looking into invest in the military. certainly our relationship with russia has changed but they are -- we need to make sure that we have a strong military. >> jon: we have a strong military. we're number one by a mile. we spend more on defense than the next 12 countries combined including china including russia. we're like the lady on jerry springer who can't stop getting breast implants. the truth is -- [cheers and applause] -- the truth is china's budget -- china's military budget would be a fine size for our figure but we're not satisfied until it looks like we're trying to shoplift soccer balls. >> jon: you might want to look at literacy math and graduation rates. don't care? you should. because those new expensive weapons systems are pretty complicated. >> a group of retired generals and admirals say that the state of america's youth is a threat to national security. it claims that three out of our americans between the ages of 17 and 24 couldn't join the military if they wanted to because they haven't graduated high school, have criminal records or are
Comedy Central
Dec 3, 2014 1:04am PST
. get it at pizza hut dot com. ♪ ♪ [laughter] ♪ >> jon: welcome back. as you know. china, china is a land of great complexity from civil right issues to wildlife. now the peoples republic is tackling what maybe the most pressing problem. >> the government's media watchdog has launched a crack down on puns. >> jon: the great chairman says all meetings must be literal and single. no puns. no, that's -- that's a pun. you can't have that. that's actually a pun. we don't want to offend our chinese over lords. no, that's a pun. that's not any better. that doesn't make any sense. that doesn't make sense. yes, thank you. that's nice. now, china word play policy may seem frivolous to those in the ranks. it's for the public's own good. >> the crack down comes over concerns puns may create misunderstanding for the public especially for minors. >> jon: that's what i don't understand. why are puns especially confusing to minors? they're working hard -- my god i'm doing again. i'm doing it again. so sorry, son of -- i apologize. that's a pun. put it back. we talked about this. thank you. [laughing
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 11:00pm PDT
some of the tough decisions he would have faced in office. tonight, china. >> we currently owe china approximately $1.5 trillion. >> holy (bleep). (laughter) >> yes, that's a problem. the american people should not only be concerned about this amount of debt, they should be frightened because of this amount of debt. >> they should be bat (bleep) terrified. >> absolutely b.s. terrified. >> should we at least be learning chinese at this point, mr. president? try this, ni hoa. >> you might offend them if you only no one word. >> well, try this one. (speaking chinese) >> (speaking chinese) now what is that? >> that's actually not chinese, that's just some noises that sound like chinese but the point is if we start learning those first they might actually get us somewhere. >> i don't think they care if we learn chinese or not. they only care if we are able to pay back the debt that we owe them. >> the crisis. mr. president, china is demanding that the u.s. pay back its debt in full immediately. failure to do so will bring on financial apocalypse. you need to look into that camera and conv
Comedy Central
May 4, 2012 1:00am PDT
overlords, china. >> hillary clinton is in china negotiating sensitive issues from iran to north korea, all going pretty well until. >> china's best known disdidn'ts has managed to escape from house arrest. said he is being hid inside the u.s. embassy in beijing. >> chen's dash for freedom couldn't come at a more ago waurd time for the u.s.. >> jon: way to go, chen! i mean how inconsiderate can you get! blind human activist chen guangcheng. couldn't wait just two more weeks to escape oppression. try thinking about somebody else for a change. jailed working to end china's forced abortion and sterilization policies guy. so what. he has-- yeah, i knew you would like that. chen, he has escaped his state oppressers during a high profile u.s. diplomatic trip. to biggie. >> there is a very public embarrassment for the chinese regime. this is an authoritarian state. they don't like having their dirty laundry, as they see t hung out for the international community to see. >> jon: must avoid chinese laundry joke. (laughter) find strength in inspirational bracelet. (laughter) wwdrd what wou
Comedy Central
Sep 25, 2014 9:24am PDT
bed, i apologizement well this alibaba operation sounds exciting. china's economy is booming, it leads americans to wonder what is alibaba. >> s there he's been a lot of comparison between alibaba and amazon. it's not quite the same. alibaba doesn't sell things, it connects buyers and sellers. (laughter) >> jon: craigslist with better graphics, is that what it is? do you like amazon but are sick of its reliability? >> could you sense at any moment you could i don't know order the new ban brown novel but instead be sent a box of discontinued chin ease gopher enemas? try alibaba. there's got to be more to if than that. >> really, it's like 12 companies. the the e bail and amazon, pay pal, it's a netflix, a groupon wz. >> jon: it is a groupon, tumblr, a cronut and lovingly fed to a jackahope. it is a business that makes no sense whatsoever. who cares what it is, just tell us, is there gold in them there hills? >> alibaba's profit for the second quarter jumped frm 179% to $2 billion. revenue increased by 46%, double that of u.s. on-line retailer amazon. those stats are enough to put
Comedy Central
May 21, 2013 9:00am PDT
, we've been reading the the "daily show" has become something of a popular internet sensation in china, of all places. apparently the citizens of america's foremost global competitor like to have a little laugh at the foibles of us yankees. you know what i mean? a-ha, their economy is in shambles. they are dragons are so small. ( laughter ) very funny, china. before you get too comfortable, perhaps it's time we check in on the latest installment of our regular series, things may be bad but least our streets don't murp mystery goo. i should probably explain. >> this big foam, and according to meade meadia reporter, fouling smell appeared saturday evening. apparently the street cracked out and it just started to ooze out. >> jon: the mystery ooze of manned jing, perhaps the most disgusting of the nancy drew books. i guess-- i guess the first question i've got to request sc in any situation that involves ooze, how much ooze are we talking about? >> it spread 150 foot radius and nearly a foot high. >> jon: so nearly high enough to touch china's poisonous air. leaving what the chinese call
Comedy Central
Nov 13, 2014 1:03am PST
some results. >> president obama and president xi jinping of china announced a major deal on climate change. >> the world's two biggest polluters agree to reduce their carbon emissions. >> jon: oh pie god, that's-- i had no idea that was going to happen. less carbon emissions from the two of the world's largest polluters. this calls for a celebration. no, that-- no, that-- no, no, no. the fireworks things is actually working-- okay. i think this deal is going to call for a bit of a cultural shift. but listen, great, so obviously you can't do anything real about the environment without china on board. which brings us to our next issue. >> chinese gangs are being accused of smuggling huge amounts of ivory from tanzania, with the official of their officials. >> chinese embassy staff were major buyerses of the ivory. the consignments were sent to china in diplomatic bags on the presidential plane. >> jon: ivory sent in diplomatic bags. what-- what is that in my bag? nothing-- no, it's not an el fant's tusks, it's a giant dildo. (laughter) >> jon: not made of ivory. i have this thing for
Comedy Central
Jan 16, 2012 11:00pm PST
. ( cheers and applause ) happens to leave me with enough left over to pay the country of china so from space you can read 58008. which unbe known to the chinese when the planet rotates says this. ( cheers and applause ) now, you're probably thinking there's no way steven colbert wanted jon stewart to blow all his super pac money on this kind of crap. maybe. who can tell? watch newt gingrich try desperately to send a message to his super pac about what he would like them to do with the 30-minute anti-mitt romney movie they had already paid for and distributed. >> i'm calling on the super pac... i cannot coordinate with them or communicate directly but i can speak out as a citizen talking to you. i'm calling on them to either edit out every single mistake or to pull the entire film. but to not run the film if it was errors in it. >> jon: what does that mean? good luck untangling those verbal hieroglyphics. it's like a mystery inside an enigma wrapped in a grown man's head inside a baby's body. i guess i'll just have to watch steven colbert when he's publicly speaking on television a
Comedy Central
Feb 5, 2013 7:30pm PST
, americans always keep one eye or two on our biggest rivals abroad: iran and china. take your eyes off one second and they start pulling stuff. china, last week >> the "new york times" says hackers have been attacking his computer system for the past four months. >> chinese hackers reportedly stole e-mail passwords for every single "new york times" employee. >> jon: that's it? that's your big attack? you're the guys who beat the [bleep] out of us in math and science. you send your elite hacker squad out and all they get is maureen dowd's email address. it's like trying to starve us by disrupting our vegetable supply. you want our attention, hack our tv news. >> today as cnn tried to cover the news about the hacking story, the chinese government blacked out the story. >> china is literally watching cnn on air with the finger on a button >> jon: that's not just the chinese. that's pretty much how we all watch cnn. >> i'm wolf blitzer. you're in the... >> jon: (jon hits button). ( cheers and applause ) i have to say, china, i'm not feeling that threatened. maybe iran could pick up the slack.
Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2014 1:03am PST
fair, china does the whole fireworks thing for pretty much anything. they love a good fireworks. the sad thing is, i don't know if you know this, but obama's been bummed out about his political fortunes here at home. i don't know if he's going to be able to get into the spirit of-- what the (bleep)?! (cheers and applause) he didn't dress for a summit, he dressed for the hunger games. (laughter) why is he dressed like that? actually, by tradition, the host country chooses a fanciful outfit for all the world leaders to wear. it's why i'm glad they're not holding them in france again, because that -- you like that? (laughter) (purring) what's on the agenda at apec? >> climate change is on the agenda, and a chinese government official said good air quality is the "priority of priorities." >> of course, it was difficult to hear the official say that through the curtain of sound-dampening smog that passes for air in beijing. how is he going to make it breathable for the summit? >> to reduce pollution by about a third, government offices and schools have been closed and factories shut down.
Comedy Central
Sep 16, 2011 2:00am PDT
that china's protesting japan. have you seen this? have you heard about this? yeah, i guess in china you don't get-- [tinkling bell] you gotta be kidding me. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> september 29, 2011, from comedy central world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> barry: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight will be caroline kennedy, no relation. and but let's begin tonight with barack obama. ( laughter ) you know how you hate barack obama? not disappointed. not wish he handled certain issues in one way or another, but hate him, just really want to nail him. he had a good run on the birth certificate thing, but turns out he had one. worked real hard at the secret muslim, and then he went out and killed osama bin laden. akong reverend wright, bill ayers, tonies areico, high new jersey two or three wars and guy is still hanging around 40% approval. for those of you who have lost hope, i say merry christmas. and welcome to our new s
Comedy Central
Jul 25, 2012 9:30am PDT
dogs in the office. all right. don't worry. england, don't worry. remember china before the limb picks the stadiums weren't finished. there was apparently a three-mile toxic cloud that had to be moched there was criticism of china's appalling human rights and working conditions but the games began and the opening ceremonies started with the crazy drummers and global walking and calligraphy and the dancers in boxes. everybody was like you know what? you know what? if sports labor got that done, god bless. -- if forced labor got that done, goss bless because those dancing boxes didn't miss a (bleep) beat. mwah! it will be forgotten if you put on one hell of an opening ceremony. what have you got? >> it's the beginning of the show. it's a real meadow with real grass, real animals and it's a green and pleasant land. there's a real cricket game going on and real animals. beneath it is a more pit. there's members of the public in there. [ laughter ] [ applause [cheers and applause] >> jon: two quick things: one, i really hope that is a scale model. [ laughter ] if not a scale model, the actu
Comedy Central
Dec 21, 2011 9:00am PST
likely give the drone to china >> jon: [bleeped]. oh, yeah, you're going to give it to china, huh? that brings us back to our even newer new segment, "sorry, iran, we thought you were real country, not china's bitch." we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the show. my guest tonight, a great actor. his latest film the he both directed and starred in is called "coriolanus." >> i say again in soothing them, we nourish in our senate rebellion, incense, sedition which we ourselves have scattered by mingling them with us, the honored number who lack not virtue, no, more power which we have given to beggars. >> well... >> no more words. >> you speak of the people as a god to punish, not man of mere infirmity. >> it is a mind in poison where it is not poison any further. >> shall remain. hear you this minnow marks you. >> jon: we should totally still talk like that. please welcome ralph fiennes. [cheering and applause] nice to see you. so nice to see you. thank you for being here. >> thank you for inviting me here. >> your first directorial... your directori
Comedy Central
Oct 4, 2011 1:00am PDT
relative decline. china and india rose. we'll be relative to the world. the concern is is we don't have absolute decline. i mean, i think, you know, what is the frontier going forward? what is our vision for the country? we would like america to be to the world what cape canaveral to americans in the '60s. that's where we did our one moon shot. i think america's future is being the launching pad where everyone in the world would would want to come to start something. that's our new place in the world. >> jon: are you suggesting that we colonize mars because that's what i'm hearing? >> if they'll come and start something. >> jon: when you sail it should be the place where everybody comes to start sothing, what does that entail though because how do you entice, forget about starting something. we just want to be the country that we can make stuff with. i think we still innovate to a large extent. when we innovate those products are made elsewhere because our workers like to have food and.... >> food and pension. it's interesting, jon. only last year did china actually overtake americ
Comedy Central
Jun 5, 2012 11:00pm PDT
lived in china, a country that doesn't have the same freedoms as the united states of america. what did you learn from that experience and how do you relate it to what's going on in wisconsin? (laughter) >> i think we can all agree that's an entirely reasonable way of framing this discussion with a pro-walker wisconsin schoolteacher. >> governor walker's not reelected and the unions continue to thrive i see a lot of freedoms and choices for teachers for wisconsin for people who live in the state to be taken away. it's not going to get as extreme as communism but those choices will slowly go away. >> jon: it will be like communist china. (laughter) if walker loses we'll all be forced to join unions-- like in china. (laughter) so gretchen carlson bravely standing up to wisconsin's monterey jackbooted union thugs. but little did she know there was a traitor in the fox midst. a certain propaganda master/pollster named frank luntz whose carefully selected focus group of wisconsin voters strategically framed by presidential portraits featured an incredibly subversive message delivered unw
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 574 (some duplicates have been removed)