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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 574 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Jun 4, 2013 11:00pm PDT
winner of the 2003 to 2011 iraq war is -- >> on the front page of the "new york times," china is the biggest winner, economic winner from the iraq war. (laughter) >> jon: they weren't even nominated! china is not even in the running. don't you have to be in a war to win it? china? china, they have already beaten us in synchronized drumming and bear cuteness, air chew ability. (laughter) you got to take this from us too? >> china is the leading buyer of iraq oil purchasing is 1.5 million barrels a day or half of iraq's output. >> jon: china is buying that? huh? i guess all those protestors were wrong. they had the no in the wrong place. yes, that was what happened. that's what we did. we died for the no oil. how did china get to buy all the oil in iraq? >> china has spent more than $2 billion and sent hundreds of workers into iraq to secure a stake in the oil business. (laughter) iraq you awarded all your oil contracts to china, iraq. i mean come on, man. we launched a sustained shock and awe bombing campaign on your country. we reduced your already stressed infrastructure to rubble a
Comedy Central
Aug 28, 2014 9:16am PDT
quote . [laughter] >> jon: so that's it. i guess we're done then. unstoppable, huh? we're not even going to try, russia, china, u.s., get the
Comedy Central
Feb 14, 2012 1:00am PST
egypt, china, believe me. the christian guy making bricks in a chinese forced labor camp would love to be on hannity complaining about a $20 co-pay for ortho trisigh clean. i know you're not seriously equating yourselves with victims of actual religious persecution in wars. >> you read about what happened to an amazingly great country called germany. in the bebe againing it always starts really really smar. >> he said i didn't speak up when they came for the communists because i wasn't a communist. (audience reacts) >> jon: you want to do the nazi dance? is that what you want to do? you want to do this? all right, let's do this! (cheers and applause) first of all, when the nazis came for people, they also left with them. (laughter) it wasn't a metaphor. and as for your slippery slope, hitler did not start small. his deliberate annihilation of a religion didn't kick off with "insurance reform." (laughter) he started by trying to take over all of germany with a machine gun in a beer hall. they saw him coming. in jail he authored a little best-seller writing "the personification of the de
Comedy Central
Oct 7, 2014 9:23am PDT
spawning the so-called umbrella revolution. >> jon: thanks, china! (laughter) i'm have to change the name of my new album. (laughter) you know, i spent a lot of time designing that cover. so the umbrella revolution protesting, anyway? >> they're fighting for what they call a full democracy. they want the right to be able to elect their own leaders. the central government in beijing says sure, they can have elections but they can only vote for candidates that have been preapproved by beijing. >> jon: well, that makes sense, i mean what good is an election if all the candidates are the same? like choosing whatever you want for breakfast when you're at denny's. what, dow get all american slam, lumber jack slam, the grand slam-- it's all egg, toast, meat soaked in human missery. that's all it is. (laughter) (laughter) might even get a gift basket from arby's after that hong kongers were also protesting income inequality, housing aford ability and union issues. and i think we know from experience how rowdy that kind of thing can get. >> hong kong protests now really put the civil back in
Comedy Central
Feb 5, 2014 9:00am PST
your seatbelts because the country of china has taken another great leap forward. this time into space. [ laughter ] >> china has become just the third country to take a soft landing on the moon, beijing's newest spacecraft land there'd today. it carried a six wheel lunar rover equipped with four camera and two mechanical laids to dig soil samples. it's called the jade rabbit. >> jon: that's nice, chance good for you. america's apollo lunar rover dates back to 1971 but good for you. 43 years ago meaning normally this is where i would say something like -- i don't know -- suck it china! but i shall refrain. mainly because we wrote it in moon dust 43 years ago. boom! i dropped a bomb on you! i'll even restrain myself from pointing out that the jade rabbit china's source of national prize shares the name of a exotic machine that is ribbed for extra pleasure. that jade rabbit can also send you to the moon. [laughter] and from the looks of it make a very delightful and fluffy so souffle,. we wish china's jade rabbit all the best, long may it rove. >> the lunar explorer known as jade rabbit
Comedy Central
Jul 31, 2012 11:00pm PDT
winner talk all. it's about -- winner take all. it's about how china will be the overlords be about about a nef y so. we just gassed up for the trip to london or as they call gas in london floggy queaffers. true. you can imagine how excited the romney campaign must be to escape from our greatest alley and -- ally and head to poleland to reset romney's -- poland to reset romney's -- >> the trying press secretary for romney lost his cool and cursed at reporters near the tomb of the unknown soldier in warsaw. [ laughter ] >> jon: so how did the press secretary end up cursing at reporters near the tomb? [ laughter ] what set him off? >> governor romney, do you have a statement for the palestinians? >> what about your gas? [ laughter ] >> jon: what about your gas? sir, they are called floggy-queafers? do you have any new gas in the works? why can kristen stewart cheat on r-pat? answer the -- wow. so apparently they were -- the frustrating reports were testing the line between questions and heckles. >> we haven't had another chance to ask him questions. >> this -- (bleep) this is say holy
Comedy Central
Dec 17, 2013 7:30pm PST
what you are thinking, wasn't that like four decades ago? well, apparently not. >> china has become just the third country to take a soft landing on the moon. beijing's newest space craft landed there today. >> jon: today! in 2013, today, it's like the new york city marathon you know how around hour eight there's one inspirational guy in a cast who wouldn't give up and he makes it all the way and then he is followed by another guy in a bear suit for some reason (bleep) nobody knows why. in the space race that intair china. [ laughter ] that means -- that bear is china. it's time to dust off the reoccurring segment space race 1957! ♪ so what do we know know about the people's republics ea new moon rover. >> solar power will expect for the next three months in search of valuable mineral deposits it's called the jade rabbit. >> oh, i've read science fiction stories about this sort of thing. i never thought i would see the day that people in china were allowed to vote. boom! communists ol garky slam. [laughter] it's impressive though that the entire nation of china came out to vote. a
Comedy Central
Sep 20, 2011 11:00pm PDT
) >> jon: welcome back. as many of you know, china's economy continues to grow while ours seems to shrink and falter. it's not just our manufacturing jobs that are going overseas. why yet cenac cenac has more. >> jon: >> extraterrestrials have fascinated man for centuries and perhaps no one is more fascinated than clifford cliff, the president of an organization that monitors u.f.o. activity. >> we are attempting to come to some resolution as to what these objects are. >> yet, sadly, like so many other businesses, mufon has fallen on hard times and the reason is all too familiar. >> we're finding that there are more credible u.f.o. sightings coming from china in that area in the world than we are receiving in the united states right now. >> you're saying china is rushing us? >> right now that seems to be the statistical evidence. >> that's right. there was a time when the u.s. was a choice destination for aliens but thanks to china, all we have left now is alf. why are there more in china than in the u.s.? >> china's becoming more advanced in space. they're wanting to go to the moon and s
Comedy Central
Jan 25, 2013 1:00am PST
compared to china. while we're suck funyon dust and going broke it seems like china has it all, a growing economy and so many pandas they have been forced to a two panda policy. from now on in china, this is true, only two pandas per family. the place is just ripe with (bleep) pandas. guess what? the grass isn't always greener. >> in china, hazardous record high pollution levels in beijing have prompted an orange fog warning. >> jon: this brings us to the new segment things may be bad but at least we can't chew our air. unemployment is not coming down, the economy is stagnant. let me stop you right there. >> just being outside can make eyes itch and throats burn. >> one expert told me it's becoming an instant motor vehicler. >> jon: s oh, my god, a billion instant smokers. how many marlboro miles could they get? think of china as a wheezing smoker. >> are you expected to talk. >> jon: so, mr. bond, i expect you to -- brb clearing throat] i [clearing throat] [ laughter ] where were we, mr. bond? sorry. [ laughter ] were so gridlocked the senate can't reform the filibuster. stop. >> wash we
Comedy Central
Nov 15, 2011 1:00am PST
sounding names. >> we have to have china understand that like everybody else on the world stage they have to play by the rules. >> the correct thing in an act of war is to kill people who are trying to kill you. >> for every country the foreign budget will start at zero dollars. >> jim: i think i have the republican take on foreign policy. it's, oh, what is it? boom, b and-boom. china, iran, pakistan. ba-boom. we're back, baby. what's that? oh, crazy gazer satan lady. you wanted to say something. >> i would not agree with that assessment to pull all foreign aid from pakistan. >> jon: lady who believes hp- vaccines called retardation. what? >> pakistan has a nuclear weapon. the next commander in chief has to understand from day one the intricacys that are happening in the middle east. >> jon: you know, sometimes because all the crazy (beep) you say, it's easy to for get you sit on the committee on intelligence. you actually know something about pakistan. all right. all right. you'll be reasonable. let's go to this guy rick santorum. give us foreign policy red meat, brother. >> you don
Comedy Central
Feb 3, 2015 1:04am PST
again to the chall weng our new rival china. >> for years china has been kick our ass economically. outcompeting us in industry after industry. and now they're going after the most vital part of the american economy magic. that's right. illusion. sleight of hand you know, awkward guys doing [bleep] like this. and chinese magic expert eric-- warns, wait, where did he go? >> america magicians are no longer number one. i think the audience will see that there will be better magicians from china. >> what are you telling me is we're [bleep]. >> yeah, that's right there are other magicians that are better than american magicians. >> [bleep] yourself. >> and china is building a massive new project called magic city, with magic theaters magic schools basically magic everything. i went to alert president of america's most magicist society. >> i'm not scared as you are of someone else creating a magic city. >> i am very confident that we here in america can hold our own. >> you are not getting this. maybe i should explain it to you with a magic trick. give me a $20. this is america's future.
Comedy Central
Nov 27, 2014 1:04am PST
china announced a major deal on climate change. >> the world's two biggest polluters agree to reduce their carbon emissions. >> jon: oh pie god, that's-- i had no idea that was going to happen. less carbon emissions from the two of the world's largest polluters. this calls for a celebration. no, that-- no, that-- no, no, no. the fireworks things is actually working-- okay. i think this deal is going to call for a bit of a cultural shift. but listen, great, so obviously you can't do anything real about the environment without china on board. which brings us to our next issue. >> chinese gangs are being accused of smuggling huge amounts of ivory from tanzania, with the official of their officials. >> chinese embassy staff were major buyerses of the ivory. the consignments were sent to china in diplomatic bags on the presidential plane. >> jon: ivory sent in diplomatic bags. what-- what is that in my bag? nothing-- no, it's not an el fant's tusks, it's a giant dildo. (laughter) >> jon: not made of ivory. i have this thing for incredibly oversized dildoes. if you will excuse me, t
Comedy Central
May 21, 2013 1:00am PDT
in china, of all places. apparently the citizens of america's foremost global competitor like to have a little laugh at the foibles of us yankees. you know what i mean? a-ha, their economy is in shambles. they are dragons are so small. ( laughter ) very funny, china. before you get too comfortable, perhaps it's time we check in on the latest installment of our regular series, things may be bad but least our streets don't murp mystery goo. i should probably explain. >> this big foam, and according to meade meadia reporter, fouling smell appeared saturday evening. apparently the street cracked out and it just started to ooze out. >> jon: the mystery ooze of manned jing, perhaps the most disgusting of the nancy drew books. i guess-- i guess the first question i've got to request sc in any situation that involves ooze, how much ooze are we talking about? >> it spread 150 foot radius and nearly a foot high. >> jon: so nearly high enough to touch china's poisonous air. leaving what the chinese call sweet spot, or air. what is the ooze i would go with a slurry of ( bleep ) and bis quick. so
Comedy Central
Sep 25, 2014 1:04am PDT
go to bed, i apologizement well this alibaba operation sounds exciting. china's economy is booming, it leads americans to wonder what is alibaba. >> s there he's been a lot of comparison between alibaba and amazon. it's not quite the same. alibaba doesn't sell things, it connects buyers and sellers. (laughter) >> jon: craigslist with better graphics, is that what it is? do you like amazon but are sick of its reliability? >> could you sense at any moment you could i don't know order the new ban brown novel but instead be sent a box of discontinued chin ease gopher enemas? try alibaba. there's got to be more to if than that. >> really, it's like 12 companies. the the e bail and amazon, pay pal, it's a netflix, a groupon wz. >> jon: it is a groupon, tumblr, a cronut and lovingly fed to a jackahope. it is a business that makes no sense whatsoever. who cares what it is, just tell us, is there gold in them there hills? >> alibaba's profit for the second quarter jumped frm 179% to $2 billion. revenue increased by 46%, double that of u.s. on-line retailer amazon. those stats are enough to
Comedy Central
May 14, 2012 11:00pm PDT
to our current debt holders and future overlords, china. >> hillary clinton is in china negotiating sensitive issues from iran to north korea, all going pretty well until. >> china's best known disdidn'ts has managed to escape from house arrest. said he is being hid inside the u.s. embassy in beijing. >> chen's dash for freedom couldn't come at a more ago waurd time for the u.s.. >> jon: way to go, chen! i mean how inconsiderate can you get! blind human activist chen guangcheng. couldn't wait just two more weeks to escape oppression. try thinking about somebody else for a change. jailed working to end china's forced abortion and sterilization policies guy. so what. he has-- yeah, i knew you would like that. chen, he has escaped his state oppressers during a high profile u.s. diplomatic trip. to biggie. >> there is a very public embarrassment for the chinese regime. this is an authoritarian state. they don't like having their dirty laundry, as they see t hung out for the international community to see. >> jon: must avoid chinese laundry joke. (laughter) find strength in inspirational
Comedy Central
Mar 13, 2013 10:00am PDT
china is looking into invest in the military. certainly our relationship with russia has changed but they are -- we need to make sure that we have a strong military. >> jon: we have a strong military. we're number one by a mile. we spend more on defense than the next 12 countries combined including china including russia. we're like the lady on jerry springer who can't stop getting breast implants. the truth is -- [cheers and applause] -- the truth is china's budget -- china's military budget would be a fine size for our figure but we're not satisfied until it looks like we're trying to shoplift soccer balls. >> jon: you might want to look at literacy math and graduation rates. don't care? you should. because those new expensive weapons systems are pretty complicated. >> a group of retired generals and admirals say that the state of america's youth is a threat to national security. it claims that three out of our americans between the ages of 17 and 24 couldn't join the military if they wanted to because they haven't graduated high school, have criminal records or are physically unfi
Comedy Central
Nov 5, 2012 10:00am PST
chrysler into bankruptcy and sold chrysler to italians who are going to build jeeps in china. (laughter) >> jon: sold chrysler to italians what, we're afraid of italians now? >> if obama wins, it will be the pope deciding what you drive. (laughter) one day they're ruining our car companies, the next day they'll be kissing our daughters with their garlicky lips. (laughter) by the way, apparently the classic italians are going to move american jeeps making jobs to china. why you say these things, mitt romney. kuz now i gotta makea the nice people of ohio say another ad saying that's [bleep]. >> after romney's false claim of jeep outsourcing to china chrysler itself has refuted romney's lie. >> jon: how out there is mitt romney, i a car company, the people who convince you you need the undercoating are coming after him for his dishonesty. (laughter) you might say well hey, why don't they just turn off the tv and leave the house and live their life. >> because you can't hide, because the candidates are [bleep] everywhere. >> it's goods nobody toldo, ohio. >> thank you so much, lebanon. >> y
Comedy Central
Feb 5, 2013 10:00am PST
eye or two on our biggest rivals abroad: iran and china. take your eyes off one second and they start pulling stuff. china, last week >> the "new york times" says hackers have been attacking his computer system for the past four months. >> chinese hackers reportedly stole e-mail passwords for every single "new york times" employee. >> jon: that's it? that's your big attack? you're the guys who beat the [bleep] out of us in math and science. you send your elite hacker squad out and all they get is maureen dowd's email address. it's like trying to starve us by disrupting our vegetable supply. you want our attention, hack our tv news. >> today as cnn tried to cover the news about the hacking story, the chinese government blacked out the story. >> china is literally watching cnn on air with the finger on a button >> jon: that's not just the chinese. that's pretty much how we all watch cnn. >> i'm wolf blitzer. you're in the... >> jon: (jon hits button). ( cheers and applause ) i have to say, china, i'm not feeling that threatened. maybe iran could pick up the slack. >> now the great
Comedy Central
Nov 12, 2014 6:27pm PST
joseph and the teccolor summit! fireworks! selling out, are you kidding me? to be fair, china does the whole fireworks thing for pretty much anything. they love a good fireworks. the sad thing is, i don't know if you know this, but obama's been bummed out about his political fortunes here at home. i don't know if he's going to be able to get into the spirit of-- what the (bleep)?! (cheers and applause) he didn't dress for a summit, he dressed for the hunger games. (laughter) why is he dressed like that? actually, by tradition, the host country chooses a fanciful outfit for all the world leaders to wear. it's why i'm glad they're not holding them in france again, because that -- you like that? (laughter) (purring) what's on the agenda at apec? >> climate change is on the agenda, and a chinese government official said good air quality is the "priority of priorities." >> of course, it was difficult to hear the official say that through the curtain of sound-dampening smog that passes for air in beijing. how is he going to make it breathable for the summit? >> to reduce pollution by abo
Comedy Central
Aug 6, 2015 8:24pm PDT
they'll tell through china is the knew goal. why do you think there's so many mallet hanging around the white house. >> >> jon: you don't see it, do you? follow me, america. follow me. i'm going to show you something that is going to blow your mind. why am i the only one who is saying it? am i crazy or -- okay. [ laughter ] look at the ovals. ovals of progressive followcy. look, look, ovals getting larger and isn't it interesting that they go to china. it turns out that progressives abdicating for government regulations on toxins in water and our children's toys turns us into china, the very country that has been putting toxins in water and our children's toys. sit's so ingenious it almost -- [cheers and applause] it's so ingenious it almost doesn't make any sense whatsoever. [ laughter ] so now you've taken us this far. you've drawn the ovals. [ laughter ] how do we get our country back? how do we stop the cancer from progressing? >> do you see? rice comes from gods. they are given to the people. look back to the founders. they left us messages. this is an original document from thomas
Comedy Central
Jul 2, 2013 7:30pm PDT
easy, huge summit between china and the u.s. that is what we'll do the show about. boom, that's gone with the n.s.a., and you don't see the story anywhere and yet that was a pretty big deal, the china-u.s. summit. >> in some sense it's the biggest story-- when historians look back they're going to ask was the united states able to live peacefully with the fastest growing, most powsm, new entrant into the world, china. if you look back in history, germany's rise didn't work out so well for europe. two world wars. japan's rise, a bunch of problems there. how china arrives and how the super bowls are able to deal with it will in some way be the story in the 21st century. we built a more cooperative relationship with china. this is the first time the new leadership got a chance to sit down with the american president. they tried to do it dinly. it's mostly good news, which is why you didn't hear about it. >> i guess that's it. but it seemed like they were focusing on building a functioning relationship. if that involves making things under casual, noitize just-- i believe they changed th
Comedy Central
Jul 25, 2012 1:00am PDT
have dogs in the office. all right. don't worry. england, don't worry. remember china before the limb picks the stadiums weren't finished. there was apparently a three-mile toxic cloud that had to be moched there was criticism of china's appalling human rights and working conditions but the games began and the opening ceremonies started with the crazy drummers and global walking and calligraphy and the dancers in boxes. everybody was like you know what? you know what? if sports labor got that done, god bless. -- if forced labor got that done, goss bless because those dancing boxes didn't miss a (bleep) beat. mwah! it will be forgotten if you put on one hell of an opening ceremony. what have you got? >> it's the beginning of the show. it's a real meadow with real grass, real animals and it's a green and pleasant land. there's a real cricket game going on and real animals. beneath it is a more pit. there's members of the public in there. [ laughter ] [ applause [cheers and applause] >> jon: two quick things: one, i really hope that is a scale model. [ laughter ] if not a scale model, th
Comedy Central
Dec 7, 2011 11:00pm PST
, the iranians will likely give the drone to china >> jon: [bleeped]. oh, yeah, you're going to give it to china, huh? that brings us back to our even newer new segment, "sorry, iran, we thought you were real country, not china's bitch." we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the show. my guest tonight, a great actor. his latest film the he both directed and starred in is called "coriolanus." >> i say again in soothing them, we nourish in our senate rebellion, incense, sedition which we ourselves have scattered by mingling them with us, the honored number who lack not virtue, no, more power which we have given to beggars. >> well... >> no more words. >> you speak of the people as a god to punish, not man of mere infirmity. >> it is a mind in poison where it is not poison any further. >> shall remain. hear you this minnow marks you. >> jon: we should totally still talk like that. please welcome ralph fiennes. [cheering and applause] nice to see you. so nice to see you. thank you for being here. >> thank you for inviting me here. >> your first directorial.
Comedy Central
Sep 23, 2011 1:40am PDT
against china and india and other places. >> jon: this is what i was trying to say yesterday to the gentleman, was-- you could offer -- >> governor daniels. >> jon: governor daniels, and you can offer zero percent tax rate to corporations and that still doesn't mean they are going to make their iphones, the parts anyplace but china. so in that environment, what do we do and how do these-- don't you think these corporations begin to look at us as desperate suitors in they are now the only girl at an all-male boarding school. and it's just like well, he gave me a corvette, i don't know. what are we supposed to do. >> and that's what happens state to state right now. and it's true country to country. but no state has the ability to compete against china. there has got to be a partnership. in fact, you know, the only thing that works in michigan and the reason why in 2010 things started to turn around, we're certainly not there yet, believe me. but we stopped the drop. we started to climb out, our unemployment rate dropped six times faster than the national average in 2010, why? because
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 574 (some duplicates have been removed)