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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 89 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Jul 10, 2015 9:44am PDT
. so [beep] great wall of china. okay. and -- [laughing] [ applause ] >> larry: and and you're going to inexpensively build a wall to keep out mexicans and then have them pay for your low cost racist wall. that's pretty [beep] amazing. >> our enemies are getting stronger and stronger by the day. and we as a country are getting weaker. even our nuclear arsenal doesn't work. [laughing] >> larry: our nukes don't work? kind of sucks to find out this way, right. [laughing] >> larry: i don't have time to show you everything he said. donald trump is thinking about us. >> i will tell you this. i have lobbyists that produce anything for me. i know the smartest negotiators i don't need anyone ease money. i am using my own money. i made the predictions. have web sites all over the place. i think i'm actually a very nice person. i'm proud of my network. i don't have to brag, i'm really rich. [laughing] >> larry: i am spatter spartacus. i'm so tired of this [beep] guy. donald trump show me your birth certificate. then i will take you seriously. that's what you said to the black man. who else has
Comedy Central
Jul 11, 2016 11:31pm PDT
made in china. he can't even go to china now. he can't go give orders. nobody is selling to him in china ever again. i think he's been trying to get out of this. >> larry: you think he was actively -- >> look at what he's been saying? does that sound like somebody that want to win. >> larry: but it's working. >> and every time he goes home i think he's like what the [bleep] is going on. i tried the mexican joke and they liked me. what's crazy about him hating immigrants is the donald trump i knew back in the day hired nobody but immigrants. >> larry: back in the day. >> other than marla maples and who knows -- i don't know where she is. it's like mission impossible. that's the only woman he really want is his daughter. >> that's my theory is he only ran for president to impress her. >> larry: to impress his daughter. >> and he has another daughter that gets no molesty love. >> larry: ok. all right. so is that the art of the deal how to get molested. >> chapter 12. >> larry: ok. i want to tell you this because i want your reaction. can we show the clip what he said at his rally look
Comedy Central
May 30, 2016 11:31pm PDT
china. >> we're like the piggy bank that's being robbed. we can't continue to allow china to rape our country, and that's what they're doing. it's the greatest theft in the history of the world. >> larry: actually, the greatest theft in the history of the world was the lufthansa heist followed by d.b. cooper, and when gru and those minions stole the moon -- and i'm not even counting the cheaters stealing the super bowl from the seahawks. not even counting that. that's right! i went there! i went there! (cheers and applause) of course, this isn't the first time trump has mentioned rape to discuss his foreign policy. >> when mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. they're bringing drugs. they're bringing crime. they're rapists. >> larry: so let me get this straight. trump believes that china is raping exports, while mexico is exporting rapists? i don't know what focus group you're relying on for your metaphors... but whoever told you that's the way to get the swing vote was mace taken. -- was mistaken. yet despite these unsettling comments, trump is a lot more upset abo
Comedy Central
Oct 8, 2015 5:52pm PDT
power, it doesn't say is made in china on my ass, does it say made in china on your ass. >> larry: wait a second r you a doctor? >> oh, no,, no i work for the georgia department of corrections, actually. i am an executioner. >> larry: you are an executioner? you just said our bodies belong to god and not the government. >> yeah, your body does belong to god until you are convicted of a crime. then your body belongs to the state of georgia. >> larry: wait. wait, wait. but if you think human life is precious how can you then kill people? >> it is two different things, larry, i said i was against assisted suicide, okay? i never said i was against assisted homicide, larry. >> larry: how -- you are in an execution how can you say that. >> ? execution is just what i do to pay the bills. it is a job. i am here to talk about what i believe, okay? not what i do every day. what i believe is that all human life is precious and sacred. okay? >?>> doug, is this mixture righ last time he was gagging and talking about how his arms are on fire. >> larry: you are killing this guy and sanctioned by
Comedy Central
Jan 19, 2016 11:31pm PST
pandering idiot. you know? right, it's not his fault. trump points to the great wall of china as proof that his proposed border wall with mexico will work. ( laughter ) i mean, he has a point. very few mexicans have walked into china. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and "scholastic" pulls a picture book from stores that shows "smiling slaves on nearly every page." the texas board of education says, "don't throw those away. we'll use them as textbooks!" ( laughter ) it's go time, people. this is "the nightly show"! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome to the show >> larry, larry, larry! >> larry: thank you very much. such a great audience tonight. >> larry! >> larry: i like that la-la-larry! i am larry wilmore. we've got a great show for you. you qaim on a very special night. and i know what you're thinking at home. are you talking about carol's birthday? no, i'm not, i'm not. it makes sense. it does make sense. it does make sense. but one year ago tonight, we started doing this show. ( cheers and applause ) a year ago. wow! can y
Comedy Central
Nov 24, 2015 2:07am PST
china to come in, as they always do, through the backdoor and totally take advantage of everyone. >> hey, gerard, we might want to point out china is not part of this deal. ( applause ) >> larry: look, trump is stupid. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) just plain and simple. you see, contempt for higher long-range, critical thinking, or as they call it elitism, it was always a strategy for smart guys to get into office but now those smart guys are getting buried by their own creation of dumb. that's why jeb is so frustrated. why do you think he has an exlambation point at the end of his name. let's hear trump talk about oil. >> we should have given big chunks to the people that lost their arms, their legs, and their families and sons and daughters because right now, you know who has a lot of that oil? iran and isis. >> larry: stupid! it doesn't even make sense for me to break it this down because it's just stupid. and a quick note, philosopher, forrest gump's mom, stupid is as stupid does. very smart. but here's the thing, here's the thing-- and if stupid gets power, it can du
Comedy Central
May 11, 2016 9:18am PDT
! now, trying. >> china announced that they will ban-- are you ready-- seductive consumption of banana during webcam live streams. >> larry: seductive consumption of bananas? that's a trend? okay, this ( bleep ) is literally b-a-n-a-n-a-s. thank you very much. and as uncalled for as a 10-year-old gwen stefani reference. not gwen stefani but the reference. they introduced this as a way to clamp down from inappropriate content from women online. we thought we'd find out in our newest segment, "grace parra nonsexually eats a banana." >> hello! hi, larry. hello, hello. now many people believe that the tropical herbacious fruit known as a banana carries sexual connotations but there is absolute no reason that it should which is why i'm here to show you three ways to nonsexually eat a banana. >> larry: that is-- that is perfect. take it away, grace. >> so number one, a knife and fork. now, offer remove the peel, like so-- oh, yeah, just clean it off like that. ( laughter ) you're going to want to cut into the banana. as you might, say, a piece of fish or a steak, from a chaste cow tha
Comedy Central
Jul 23, 2015 9:59am PDT
the smartest people anywhere in the world. now china loves me. who's worse to china an i am? the american dream is dead. >> larry: yes! there you go. (laughter) woo! much better. thank you. thank you. all right. now that the republican field is seemingly complete, i thought i'd bring on our political expert mike yard to discuss trump and which candidate might have the best chance of winning the black vote. mike yard, everybody. (cheers and applause) how you doing, mike? >> hey, what's up, larry? larry: so, mike, it sounds like john kasich is trying to sound inclusive. do you think he can appeal to the black vote? >> the black vote's already wrapped up. it's trump. (laughter) >> larry: wait, trump? arry, this guy is '90s hip-hop, all day. man! (laughter) think about it. trump likes gold. (laughter) he rolls deep. he had his own vodka. (laughter) he's got his own cologne. (laughter) he's got tons of baby mamas. (laughter) he's had court appearances. and he's dealt with bankruptcies. (laughter) >> larry: wow. that is amazing. wait. hold on. so you think black people like him because
Comedy Central
Apr 14, 2016 9:16am PDT
. corporations have shut down in america. they go to china and mexico. we got it change that. number two, i was in flint, michigan, a couple of months ago. what i saw there and heard there, literally, larry -- >> larry: it was terrible. it was more than terrible. you could not believe you were talking to people in america in the year 2016. it was horrible. >> larry: mm-hmm. we have got to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure. that's our water systems, wastewater plants, roads and bridges. we have a plan for a tril dollars creates 13 million decent paying jobs. and we have a raise the minimum wage to 15 bucks an hour so people who work 40 hours a week are not living in poverty. >> larry: great. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: now, bernie, you used to be a carpenter. is that right? >> well, i used to help out. i didn't want to go too far on that. >> larry: and you're jewish. yeah. larry: and -- [ laughter ] and i'm just saying and the pope loves you, and you mms of people come to hear you speak your sermons on mounts. [ laughter ] are you jesus? [ cheers and applause ] you don't have
Comedy Central
Aug 17, 2016 11:31pm PDT
watching, and she's being hailed as a hero in china and all over the world! ( cheers and applause ) >> yes, now it's cool to publicly attend the red wedding. >> so maybe now tampax will start offering some sweet endorsement money for every athlete competing in the monthly flowlympics. >> yeah! >> yeah, why does it always have to be sneakers and gatorade? why can't it be something we actually use? >> exactly. >> i think networks should go "all periods all the time." >> i like that! >> pbs? the period broadcasting service. npr? national period radio. msnbc? p.m.s.n.b.c. ( cheers and applause ) >> yup. >> women always get (bleep) done while surfing the crimson wave! we don't just run in fields wearing all white. sometimes we're actually winning gold medals! >> but this woman is a shining example of a long line of female athletes bleeding from their wherevers. ( laughter ) ( applause ) why do you think they called her flo-jo? she was constantly riding the cotton pony, like a boss. >> so we just want to give a huge shoutout to fu yuanhui for keeping it 100, even on days when she's feel
Comedy Central
Aug 3, 2015 9:52am PDT
people and jokes in china town so that makes me super nuts. >> larry: why didn't they -- >> >> larry: and with an accent by the way. >> i think ifw3 your humor relis on offending people, right, and hurting people's feelings, then you are not funny to begin with. >> you see -- >> oh, yeah. he looks funny. >> until now we are in front of a live audience. i am talk about remarks that hurt people in a live crowd supposedly said and it is a twitter thing and then your article is like amy shu-heart as an example, people who don't know amy schumer saying this is offensive, comparing her jokes to charlestown shooting and acting like that is a correlation you can make. >> larry: right. >> do you think it is hurt not to be able to talk about things like rape? >> of course -- nobody, nobody has an honest, really honest discussion, because they are afraid they will get justice guyably boycotted by the majority. >> i didn't, like i didn't like the 1940s and 1950's. >> it is a bit of that. >> larry: oh, 1950. >> comedians, we say what we say and then we get lambasted online but then
Comedy Central
Mar 10, 2015 9:45am PDT
way! they're in china! whereas all of this candy is right here in america! in my phone! and needs to be crushed this very second! damn you, candy! ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm so good at this! you know what, apple's just a company. they're just trying to get by. i'm sure they'd fix a lot of these working conditions if they could only afford it. >> this fall, from october through december, apple made more money in one quarter than any company has ever made in the history of the earth. >> larry: okay. so they can afford it. but i can't afford to give up candy crush! ugh. to help us sort this ethical-technological dilemma we turn to "the nightly show" contributor mike yard. mike, thanks for being on the show. >> thanks, lawrence. >> larry: so how can i still enjoy candy crush and be responsible? >> you can't. you gotta do what i did and go full amish. (applause) >> larry: completely ignore all modern day technology? >> that's right. any piece of technology corrupts you. computers have circuit boards made with minerals. most of those minerals come from congo. so no technology. and that's how we amish
Comedy Central
Jan 20, 2015 1:31am PST
china signed a climate accord a few months later. wow. that's pretty good, right? (cheers and applause) i mean, more power to these folks because if we don't figure this out, then it won't just be black people saying "i can't breathe." (audience reacts) oh too soon? too soon? yeah, i choked him, thank you very much. and don't forget the minimum-wage protest last year. fast food workers took to the streets demanding a raise in their pay... and it worked -- the minimum-wage rose in 21 states to start the new year, leaving unpaid chipotle employees much much closer to one day being able to afford chipotle. one day, guys. don't try to get it all. not all at once. and finally, guys, this is the most amazing protest of them all, and i'm not making this up. the organization "harry potter alliance" waged a fight with warner brothers to ensure that all chocolate sold with harry potter's likeness was fair trade, and even that worked! what? that worked! and i have to say, as happy as i am for the gryffindor win, after ferguson and garner, it bugs me a little bit that in 2014 this is the only choc
Comedy Central
Jan 23, 2015 1:31am PST
three wrong don't make a right. we haven't seen russia, saudi arabia or china any improvement in the respect for fundamental freedoms despite all the engagement and trade and everything we've done. to the contrary, we've seen some of the wealthiest tyrannies in human history develop. we don't want to see that in cuba. >> larry: you have family in cuba. >> yes my mom has relatives. >> larry: the o'brien side? (laughter) >> the o'brien side. >> larry: you're for lifting the embargo? >> clearly, the embargo failed. it has not worked. nine administrations of the united states presidents has gone through while it's been in place. no one can say it's been a success so we should continue doing. this i think there's an opportunity. tomorrow there will be a meeting with high-level officials and human rights activists in cuba and dissidents in cuba. that wouldn't have happened if the this opportunity hadn't happened. >> larry: should we be concerned? off connection to there. are people concerned? >> people are cheering in cuba. >> larry: really? yes. and in the united states, too. if you look
Comedy Central
Aug 28, 2015 9:44am PDT
to china. and it is all ethnic. everything is ethnic. we are never losing to europe. do you ever spend money in europe? they will laugh at you. they don't want our money. we are losing to them so they never bring them up. >> and he turns around and says i am going to get the chinese vote and the mexican vote and the black vote and i am getting the woman vote. we will be right back, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> grab some free tickets to uncoming taping of "the daily show". for complete dailies details go for complete dailies details go to right now, at&t is giving you 50 percent more data. that's 15 gigs of data for the price of 10. and get 300 dollars credit for every line you switch to at&t. and when you bundle your home and auto insurance through progressive, you'll save a bundle! [ laughs ] jamie. right. make a bad bundle joke, a buck goes in the jar. i guess that's just how the cookie bundles. now, you're gonna have two bundles of joy! i'm not pregnant. i'm gonna go. [ tapping, cash register dings ] there you go. [ buzzing ] bundle bee coming! it was worth it! saving
Comedy Central
Aug 17, 2015 9:56am PDT
. all trump says is mexicans are rapists. we are losing to mexico, we are losing to china. and it is all ethnic. everything is ethnic. we are never losing to europe. do you ever spend money in europe? they will laugh at you. they don't want our money. we are losing to them so they never bring them up. >> and he turns around and says i am going to get the chinese vote and the mexican vote and the black vote and i am getting the woman vote. we will be right back, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> grab some free tickets to uncoming taping of "the daily show". for complete dailies details go to ♪ hello, ladies. do you wanbear glove!to smell... ...like sophistication? bear glove! then try old spice swagger. bear glove! [repeatedly] i apologize. he means bear glove! no i don't. bear glove! stop it. [old spice whistle] pwho thrives on the unexpected. andha-ha! box shall we dine? [ chuckle ] you wouldn't expect an insurance company to show you their rates and their competitors' rates, but that's precisely what we do. going up! nope, coming down. and if you switch to progressive today, you c
Comedy Central
Aug 27, 2015 11:31pm PDT
losing to china. and it is all ethnic. everything is ethnic. we are never losing to europe. do you ever spend money in europe? they will laugh at you. they don't want our money. we are losing to them so they never bring them up. >> and he turns around and says i am going to get the chinese vote and the mexican vote and the black vote and i am getting the woman vote. we will be right back, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> grab some free tickets to uncoming taping of "the daily show". for complete dailies details go to ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] give extra. get extra. ♪ who says families have to share data? these guys, that's who but at t-mobile you can get four lines with up to 10 gigs of 4g lte data, each no sharing and just $30 bucks a line 10 gigs for each and every one of you we'll even pay your family's switching fees up to $650 bucks per line so you can get 10gigs for all, today and it's only from t-mobile padvil pm gives you the healingu at nsleep you need, it. helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. >
Comedy Central
Aug 11, 2015 9:48am PDT
are losing to mexico, we are losing to china. and it is all ethnic. everything is ethnic. we are never losing to europe. do you ever spend money in europe? they will laugh at you. they don't want our money. we are losing to them so they never bring them up. >> and he turns around and says i am going to get the chinese vote and the mexican vote and the black vote and i am getting the woman vote. we will be right back, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> grab some free tickets to uncoming taping of "the daily show". for complete dailies details go for complete dailies details go to ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ geico motorcycle, great rates for great rides. may i speak privately to the man in your life? thank you. i've missed you. men! take your body to nature with old spice timber. it's what the angel-faced woman in your life deserves. sound good? fantastic. goodbye! hello again, ladies. i know, i shouldn't have... don't use timber! use bear glove! bear glove! bear glove! bear glove's the best in the world! bear glove! bear glove! timber. bear glove! timber. bear glove! stop it. where you also find
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 89 (some duplicates have been removed)