i'm your host stephen colbert! happy first day of spring! the birds are chirping, the brooks are babbling, and the neighbors are yelling for me to turn down my nature sounds c.d. ( laughter ) if you're in the northeast, it may not feel like spring, since it's still pretty chilly -- though, just a few weeks ago, it was in the 60s. god, i wish it was winter again so i could wear shorts. ( laughter ) you can't tell. >> jon: yeah, you never know. of course, last week trump released his first budget. they're calling it a hard power budget because it features a $54-billion-increase in military spending, while cutting the state department by 28%. makes sense. pbs. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: i know. look, trump's a real estate developer. it was only a matter of time until he put up condos on "sesame street." ( cheers and applause ) ♪ can you tell me how to get ♪ how to get to "sesame street" ♪ you can't. it's gone. ( laughter ) ♪ if one of these things is not like the other ♪ ♪ one of these things was cut from the budget ♪ ( laugh

you're not stephen, you're not mr. colbert you're stephen colbert. i hooked on to this as a mimic in the '70s. they always sound like this when they go home, have dinner, have sex with their wives, argue with their girlfriends, do they call it? do they say stuff like, if you're just joining us, we got a goood one going here! >> stephen: hey! it's such a pretty day, let's play, too! >> brockmire taking no chances, just trying to get a rhythm early in the missionary position, oh! and a surprise finger in the (bleep)! and brockmire is in the lead! hoa! ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh! oh! it's a knuckleball! >> i'm going to stop there. i could go on. >> stephen: could go on. ( laughter ) >> stephen: in this clip, i think it's the beginning to have the series. >> yes. >> stephen: your character is having a rough day. >> yes, this is where the show starts. he has a meltdown on the air, as you will see. he has just walked in on his wife in flagrante delicto, except with another man. usually has three or four beers. today he had, like,

live from new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. a lot of people are upset with trump because he didn't repeal obamacare. so, today, he kept his campaign promise to repeal the environment. signed an executive order to loosen restrictions on greenhouse gas emissions and essentially "wipe out obama's climate change record." i think he just surrendered florida to the ocean, which explains why when he signed the order, he invited aquaman. you know what i noticed? not a single aquawoman in that picture. so, why is trump doing this? according to head of the e.p.a. and guy who hates the e.p.a. scott pruitt: "it's going to create jobs." yeah, repealing environmental regulations will create all sorts of new jobs: oil refining, fracking, clean water historian. keeper of the last six bees. and, of course, coal mining. in fact, today, the president celebrated the new lack of regulations with coal miners, and his reasoning was as clear as mud. >> my administrati

. >>> and he is stephen colbert 's right-hand man but today jon batiste ditched the city of brotherly love, and the honor he received and why. >>> we started soggy but now sun has come out and we will repeat that pattern tomorrow in the mid week time frame, soggy again as this system head our way but sound will return, i'll tell you when. >>> a father/son moment unlike anything you have ever seen before. how one dad took discipline to a whole new level. don't miss it later in sports. my hygi...a mouthwash.o try... so i tried crest. it does so much more than give me fresh breath. crest pro-health mouthwash provides all... ...of these benefits to help you get better dental check-ups. go pro with crest mouthwash. checkup? nailed it did you know slow internet can actually hold your business back? say goodbye to slow downloads, slow backups, slow everything. comcast business offers blazing fast and reliable internet that's 10 times faster than slow internet from the phone company. say hello to internet speeds up to 150 mbps. and add phone and tv for only $34.90 more a month. call today. co

i'm stephen colbert. big, really big night, big night last night for donald trump, or, or whoever knav gave that speec. ( laughter ) because it really seemed like a different donald trump was giving his first address to congress, and it's getty pretty good reviews, pretty good reviews. "the washington post" called it "surprisingly presidential." ( laughter ) always comforting when the president surprises you by seeming plausible. and getting raves for being surprisingly presidential is nothing new. i mean, look at this 1863 review of the gettysburg address. "i like that four score and seven years ago thing. plus, he didn't stop once to mock the disabled." he's known for that. abe is known for that. >> jon: he was known for that, huh? wow? >> stephen: another thing about the speech, it was uncharacteristically optimistic, last night, and a lot of people are praising his shift in tone. yes, he went from "unhinged narcissist" to "hinged narcissist." ( laughter ) ( applause ) a little right there. ( applause

with stephen colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4-30. michelle griego and kenny choi will have all the news you need.. to start your day. good night. >> the late show is next. >> our next newscast is at 4:30 a.m. >> we'll have all the news you need to start the day. goodnight. captioning sponsored by cbs >> and now, in honor of women's history month, "the late show"" presents great moments in women's history. >> donald trump is not a woman. ( laughter ) >> this has been "great moments in women's history." ( applause ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes josh lucas andy daly musical guest green day. and special guest ryan reynolds. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!

i'm your host, stephen colbert. omd we are live right now from the ed sullivan theater. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, we're live. right after donald trump's lldress to congress. now, technically, this was not "state of the union" because i think in this timeline, the confederacy won. ( laughter ) right? i've never seen this movie before but i think that's how this one ends. i'm not sure. we have to get back to the interdimensional portholes as quickly as we can. there was a lot of anticipation tonight. it was a huge evening. and before it even began, cnn trolled the nation with the caption, "trump leaves white house soon." don't tease! not cool, cnn. not cool. that's not right. ehat's next, covering the president descending a staircase with the caption "trump steps down"? as he was leaving the white house, cameras caught president trump apparently rehearsing his lines in the back of the limo. now, obviously, cnn's powerful microphones picked up what he was saying. "uh, i'll have the clams casino, and i'll have a sid

>> stephen: hi, yes, this is stephen colbert from "the late show" at cbs. can i speak to your manager, please? >> no, i'm sorry. just give me your message, please. >> stephen: sure. the message is this is stephen colbert from "the late show." we're trying to come up with just some rough numbers. obviously, don't hold my feet to the fire over this, but we have a rough number of about $2 trillion dollars to build the border wall, and i was wondering if you had that in petty cash right now, okay? >> okay... >> stephen: thank you very much, if you could just tell mexico, that would be great. thank you so much. ( laughter ) man, mexico is going to be pissed. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back with felicity huffman. don't look now but chuck norris is right behind you. i heard superheroes read chuck norris comics. i heard at night, the boogeyman checks under the bed for chuck. i heard cats say they have chuck-like reflexes. do you think he's still got it? i bet you a buck he catches this salt shaker. you're on! hey! chuck! you owe me a buck.

captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes

jimmy fallon declined by about 17%. >> is stephen colbert the new king of late night? that's too early to call but he is hiding away. >> america is trance fixed by this new administration. politics is where colbert made his name on comedy central. that is the type of comedy that he specializes in. >> even david letterman who retired in 2015 is weighing in on the late night war. in an interview the with "new york" magazine, letterman commented on the jimmy fallon interview with trump last september. fallon toppled the then candidate's hair. letterman saying quote i don't want to criticize fallon but i can tell you who what i would have done in that situation. would have gone to work on trump, end quote. but fallon reclaiming the late night crown? "the tonight show" host recently debuted a new segment that may be in response to colbert's political focus. >> this is what we call this week in words. >> turmoil. >> chaos. >> here is what president trump had to say. >> fake. fake. fake. fake. fake. fake. fake. >> jimmy falcon is more of an broad entertainer. there is a real

no one has benefited more than cbs' stephen colbert whose show is now number one. a story on how comics are benefiting from presidential punch lines. >> big news today out of the kremlin. i'm sorry, i misread that. white house. >> reporter: stephen colbert throug millions of viewers beating the leader nbc tonight show. over on cbs. >> the short sharp shock of a trump presidency has sparked a new america fitness craze. >> reporter: another has doubled her viewership. ratings have also reportedly been climbing for two hbo hosts, bill maher and don al liver. >> it's weird. you have been objectively nice to vladimir putin than merle street. >> reporter: a "los angeles times" writer says. >> the shows that are doing well are the ones that are the most political. >> reporter: according to him, jimmy fallon who hasn't been as critical of the president is down 18% in the last year. david letterman often had mr. trump as a guest on his show. >> [ indiscernible china. >> reporter: in an interview he said he would have treated trump differently than fallon. i can only tell yo

all the news >>> the late show with stephen colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30. >> see you then. captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes hugh jackman, condola rashad and musical guest flaming lips, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: hey! nice to see ya. ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! whoo! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ( audience chanting stephen ) ♪ that's lovely. welcome to the show, everybody! i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) big news today out of the kremlin-- i'm sorry, i mispronounced that. i meant to say the white house. now, here's the deal, y'all -- you know how there's all this smoke around the idea that the trump folks colluded with the russians to influence the election? and the trump people are saying, "nothing t

i'm stephen colbert. well, the g.o.p.'s new healthcare bill cleared its first hurdle early this morning, when it was passed by the house ways and means committee, after roughly 18 hours of debate. and anyone who's spent 18 hours trying to pass something knows -- ( laughter ) -- knows what you get at the end. >> jon: oh! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: very generous. >> jon: generous, generous. >> stephen: very generous with your applause. thank you. ( laughter ) apparently, members were up until 4:00 a.m., which might explain why things got a little loopy. ( laughter ) like these late night musings from representative jason smith. >> you could tax a lot of different items if you want to stop behavior. you know, i love ice cream. ice cream is probably not the most healthy thing to eat. why is there not a tax on that? you know what, if you look at the number one cause of skin cancer, it is not tanning beds. do a google search. it is the sun. why have they not proposed a tax on the sun? ( laughter ) >> step

>> no, this is the speech. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." arnight, stephen welcomes lisa kudrow. former white house press secretary, josh earnest. and tony rock. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey! hue are

le griego and kenny >> the late show with stephen colbert is up next. our next newscast is tomorrow at 4:30. >> they will have all the news, the weather, the traffic, everything to start your day. lit be wednesday. you will be happy. you will love it. it will be beautiful. >> goodnight. captioning sponsored by cbs >> if i live to be 100, i'll never forget the big snowstorm that hit last night. the weather closed in and, well, you might not believe it, but the world almost missed "the late show" with stephen colbert." but thanks to the brave "late show" staff the show went on the air as scheduled so all the good boys and good girls could stay up late and watch the-- oh, no! the salt truck! no! it burns! it

" at 11:00. >>> love stephen colbert but he is on way too late. >> dvr it all the time. >>> that is "eyewitness news" for noon, i'm jim donovan. >>> i'm jan of us lear thanks for watching. >> "eyewitness news" continues at 5:00. we are always on philly.com. >> young and restless is next, have a great day, stay dry, everyone. >> ♪ dear fellow citizen, i know what it's like to worry about student loan debt. i graduated into it. it was keeping me from doing the things i love, like traveling to see my nephews. but i knew there had to be a way to manage it. citizens bank education refinance loan. call... or visit citizensbank.com/refi to find out how much you could save in less than two minutes. i refinanced more than 6 federal and private loans. even if you've already consolidated, you can still refinance your undergrad and grad loans. now that i'm saving, i can visit my nephews. and i can help you with your student debt, so you can do whatever's important to you. if you have a question about whether refinancing is right for you, ask me. sincerely, robert kennedy, fellow grad and fellow

>> it's the "late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes kristen stewart! maz jobrani! and musical guest dawes.

michelle griego an all the news >>> the late show with stephen colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30. >> see you then. captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! toni

we'll be right back. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, with stephen colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4-30. >>> first day of spring looks a lot like what we had all winter long. we have rain out there right now. petaluma, novato, napa, vallejo, american canyon, fairfield, vacaville pouring, a little break around san francisco but waves of rain moving through overnight, steady rain done by about 7:00, 8:00 tomorrow morning. >> the late show with stephen colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30. >> they'll have all the news you need including traffic to start your day. have a good night! captioning sponsored by cbs >> i prefer brown minimalist. oh, gee. i believe the san francisco earthquake of 1906 was an inside job to promote the gay agenda.

the vet's #1 choice. >>> late show with stephen colbert is next. >> all right. you have some homework. >> what's that? >> watch basketball and have a great weekend. >> there you go. we can do that. >> i'm going to get an a. >> a plus. >> extra credit, can i barbecue, too? >> definitely. you have to bring leftovers. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert!

i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is an exciting day-- exciting day for president trump, because he went on a field trip! to the museum of african american history. he was so worried steve bannon wouldn't sign his permission slip. ( laughter ) he got to go. he got to go. you been down there? >> jon: yeah, i've been down there. >> stephen: haven't been yet. i heard it's incredible, tremendous. now, trump was originally supposed to visit the museum on martin luther king day, but that had to be postponed because of scheduling issues. it's understandable. as dr. king himself so famously said: ( laughter ) ( applause ) stirring. stirring. i believe obama called that "the fierce urgency of now. or later." now, at the end of the tour, trump honored the greatest figures in african american history, like sojourner truth, booker t. washington and ben carson. ( laughter ) >> i love this guy. he's a great guy, really a great guy. and he can tell you better than me, but i'll tell you what, we really started something with ben.

>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes neil degrasse tyson and todd barry. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey! theer( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show,," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. these people are incredible. these people are here through an absolutely terrible, terrible day out there. they went through hell to be here tonight,un. i'm so proud of you people. ( cheers and applause ) i wasn't going to do a good show tonight, but i think i might do a good show because these people put some effort into it. i hope everybody is all right. everybody is safe and warm in here, nobody lost anything to frostbite, nothing, you know, important snapped off, like a graham cracker. and everybody at home, too. here in new york, as i said, we got slammed, the biggest snowfall of the season from what the weat

t's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight fonda and chandraseykhar and musical guest aimee batiste and banned from ed sullivan theater in new york stephen colbert! ( chee ( band playing ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. it feels good to be back on this stage. last week, we were off. we pretended we had new shows on monday, tuesday, and wednesday, but those were actually taped the week before. it was an illusion created by an evil genius so i could drink rum and you could watch march madness. so i hope you enjoyed that. ( applause ) go gamecocks! but what a great time to be away from the show. >> jon: right, so nothing happened. >> stephen: nothing happened while i was gone, right? ( laughter ) oh, there's one thing-- the gop finally launched their obamacare repeal. i believe we have footage of that from last week. >> i'm just a bill... ♪ yes, i'm only a bill ♪ and i'm sitting here on capitol hill ♪ ( gunshot ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh! wo

i'm your host, stephen colbert. hey i have a quick question for you guys if you don't mind me asking: anyone here use the internet ( cheers and applause ) you might want to knock it off because congress has now voted to allow internet providers sell your web-browsing history. >> audience: boo! >> stephen: i rched that reaction. now might be a good time to clear your browser history. just hit that button, or pull the lever? i don't know. i've never used it. i've got nothing to hide. i burned my computer this morning. ( laughter ) so this is what's wrong with washington d.c. here's the deal. i guarantee you there's not a voter of any political stripe anywhere in america who asked for this. no one. no one in america stood up in a town hall and said, "sir, i demand that you let someone else make money off my shameful desires." i can't imagine somebody asked this to happen. i can't believe they're publicly taking the side of big internet cable companies. taking the side of a cable company? the only thing less popular wou

. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." arnight, stephen welcomes lisa kudrow. former white house press secretary, josh earnest. and tony rock. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey! hue are

i'm your host stephen colbert. and want you to know that late show intelligence committee will follow our investigation of trump and russia wherever it leads. usually it's to james corden in about an hour. wherever. ( laughter ) for the past week, everyone's been wondering about devin nunes's secrnt source at the white house. nunes has refused to reveal who it was, out of concern that if his source is exposed, he'll have to come up with a new reason to keep canceling russia hearings. well, today, the "failing new york times" revealed that the person who met with nunes was in fact, two people! ( suspenseful music ) ( laughter ) according to the times, the sources were "ezra cohen-watnick, the senior director for intelligence at the national security council, and michael ellis, a lawyer who works on national security issues at the white house." say it isn't so, michael ellis and ezra cohenwatnick! i've trusted you ever since i learned your names at the begiof ( laughter ) i can't believe it's those two guys whose nam

and now, live on tape from the uled sn livatheater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: hey! nice to see ya. ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! whoo! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ( audience chanting stephen ♪ that's lovely. welcome to the show, everybody! i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) big news today out of the kremlin-- i'm sorry, i mispronounced that. i meant to say the white house. now, here's the deal, y'all -- you know how there's all this smoke around the idea that the trump folks colluded with the russians to influence the election? and the trump people are saying, "nothing to see here, folks"? well, i spy with my little eye, the attorney general of the united states. it turns out, jeff sessions spoke with the russian ambassador twice during trump's campaign, even though, at his confirmation hearing, sessions was asked this by senator al franken about reports of collusion. >> these documents also allegedly stated "there was a continuing exchange of

it's the shore with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes anderson cooper, judd apatow and musical guest jidenna, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey! whoo! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ( audience chanting stephen ) hey, thanks, everybody! thank you, mark! ( piano riff ) whoo! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! welcome to "the late show"! thanks so much, everybody! you're very kind. very kind. thank you very much! listen -- ( cheers and applause ) thank you, everybody. lovely. yeah! stay strong, be brave! look folks, i'm not going to lie to you, this is "the late show" and i'm stephen colbert. ( laughter ) last week, i don't know if you were paying attention but donald trump seemed pretty steady. he gave a big boy speech in front of congress-- long pants and everything. i was afraid he'd sold the timeshare in crazytown. well, he's baaack! ( laughter ) ( c

." >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes: connie britton. zoey deutch. musical guest lori mckenna. jon stewart. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! good to see ya! ( cheers and applause ) have a seat! thank you so much! oh! ladies and gentlemen, welcome! ( cheering ) welcome to the "late show." welcome to the "late show." i'm "la la land"-- i'm sorry, i read that wrong. i'm stephen colbert. ( laughter ) dear lordie. did you guys see that last night? did you watch that? ( cheers and applause ) did you see that last night? that was the craziest ending to the oscars since it turned out helen mirren was kaiser soze. ( laughter ) now, for those of you out there who only watched the first three hours and 29 minutes of the ceremony, spoiler alert: "moonlight" won best picture. okay? ( cheers and applause ) beautiful, right? end of the show. >> jon: that's right. >>

. >> it's the late show with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes, glenn close, michael mn,ckee featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now live on tape from new york city, it's stephen colbert. >> stephen: hey, everybody! >> stephen: welcome to" the late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. thank you. lovely people. absolutely lovely people. how is everybody's march madness doing? it continues tomorrow night and friday on cbs. right? am i right about that? yeah. everybody's brackets okay? yeah. >> jon: bracketed up. >> stephen: how are everybody's buckets? i'll explain that in a moment, you see, for weeks now, republicans have been bushing their obamacare replacement plan. >> audience: boo! >> stephen: but the bill has a preexisting condition: everybody hates ( laughter ) i think those were republicans booing. because republicans have been scrambling to sell this thing ever since the c.b.o. report came out that said that trumpcare would kick 24 million people off of insurance. so now they're rebranding. they

>> stephen: you need to calm down. >> no, you do. you're losing it, colbert. take a good look in the mirror! >> stephen: i don't need to because when i look at you, it's like looking in the mirror. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> okay, okay. oh! oh! okay. oh! >> stephen: look, man, i'm sorry. >> i'm sorry, i just came in a little too heated-- god you smell great. >> stephen: i don't know what came over here. let's agree that we can't agree. >> stephen: yeah, there's no need for us to fight. why don't you just go backstage and enjoy the rest of this very topical, up-to-date monologue i'm doing. and maybe afterwards you and i can go out and get some tacos. >> tacos? i love tacos. wait, is it because it's taco tuesday? >> stephen: you tell me, riryan. you can't have tacos on a thursday. >> no, that's against the law. >> stephen: so what day is it ryan? ( cheers and applause ) >> it's tuesday! it's tuesday. >> stephen: right you are, my friend. >> i'm sorry, stephen. >> stephen: don't worry about it. hey, as long as you're here, i'd love-- i'm a huge fan! i'd love to

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!

>> it's "the late show with color="#ffff00">stephen colbert." color="#ffff00">arnight, stephen welcomes lisa kudrow. former white house press secretary, josh earnest. and tony rock. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey! hue are