applause ] >> seth: hey, everybody, these are two of our writers. that's amber and that's jenny. >> i'm black. >> and i'm gay. >> and we're both women. >> seth: and i'm not. [ light laughter ] so here's how this works. i'll read the setups for the jokes and then amber and jenny will read the punchlines. so here we go. the longest running lesbian bar in the united states recently close ford good. >> so now lesbians will have to meet the old fashioned way -- at ace hardware. [ laughter ] >> seth: 18,000 contaminated pipes in flint, michigan will be replaced by a black-owned construction company. >> and it's true what they say, their pipes are bigger. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers ] >> seth: a lesbian was recently named the leader of germany's fascist party. >> if you're wondering what lesbians and fascists have in common, the answer is their haircut. [ laughter ] >> seth: jenny -- jenny, why is it that so many lesbians have short haircuts? >> we just get really excited about scissors. [ laughter ] >> seth: oh! jenny! jenny, no! [ laughter ] according to a recent article -- according t

"jokes seth can't tell." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: these are two of our writers, amber and jenny. >> i'm black. >> and i'm gay. >> and we're both women. >> seth: and i'm not! [ light laughter ] so here's how this works. i'll read the set-ups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines. here we go. a catholic man recently wrote a book called "why i don't call myself gay." >> look for it in the closet of your local book store. [ light laughter ] >> seth: a black tourist in amsterdam was recently pushed down the stairs by her airbnb host. >> it was the best experience a black person has had with airbnb. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] >> seth: have you had bad experiences on airbnb? >> as soon as someone lets me stay with them, i'll let you know. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] i'm fine, i have a house. [ laughter ] >> seth: according to a recent study, the average number of guests at a lesbian wedding is 87. >> it's two brides and 85 ex-girlfriends. [ light laughter ] >> seth: jenny, what's a lesbian wedding like? >> well, it's just like a straight wedding, except ins

] >> seth: these are two of our writers. amber, jenny. >> i'm black. >> and i'm gay. >> and we're both women. >> seth: and i'm not. so here's how this works, i'll read the set ups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines. here it goes. a washington, d.c., lesbian bar closed this month after 45 years in operation. >> a lesbian bar is like a regular bar but with a longer line for darts. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, okay. cool, cool. the library of congress recently acquired a rare photo of young harriet tubman. >> it looks like exactly like a photo of old harriet tubman because black don't crack. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: marvel comics recently revealed a new lesbian super hero who will fight evil aliens. >> as opposed to a regular lesbian who will fight anybody. [ laughter ] >> seth: jenny, i can't imagine you in a fight. you don't seem scary at all. [ laughter ] >> seth: the cw network is currently developing a show about an african-american super hero. >> he shows up late to every crime and then gets arrested for it. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: two

four of our writers, amber, ali, dina, and jenny. [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks, seth. we're here because we are upset about the president's discriminatory tweets. >> and because today, it be trans people -- >> but tomorrow, it's gay people. >> the next day, it's black people. >> and after that, it's women. >> and then, it's immigrants. >> oh, he already came for the immigrants. >> oh, and women. >> and black people. >> and the gays! [ cheers ] >> president trump, you just requested a $600 billion military budget. you think you can't afford healthcare for trans people? the military spends $41 million a year on viagra. what are you guys doing, screwing the enemy to death? [ light laughter ] >> luckily, for all americans, your whole administration isn't closed minded. just last month your daughter, assistant to the president, ivanka trump tweeted, "i am proud to support my lgbtq friends." >> so i'm sure she's going to give a speech any second now in support of trans people. >> ladies and gentlemen, assistant to the president and world-renowned entrepreneur, ivanka trump! [ laughter

similar accusations. here to comment are three of our writers, amber, ally and jenny. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: hey, guys. so guys, what do you think of all this? >> seth, people are acting like this scandal is shocking. >> but if you're shocked by it, where have you been? sexual harassment is everywhere. raise your hand if someone's stared at your boobs on the way [ light laughter ] raise your hand if you've ever had a co-worker touch you inappropriately. >> amber's hand is on my ass right now. [ light laughter ] >> i was just trying to find it. [ light laughter ] >> so go ahead. get mad about bill o'reilly. but then stay mad. because sexual harassment is everywhere. not just at places like fox news. >> seth: do you think it's a problem here? >> oh, no way. we feel really lucky to be working for such a feminist boss. >> seth: oh, thank you. [ light laughter ] >> seth gives us a platform to come out here and speak our minds. >> when my son is sick, seth lets me work from home. >> and seth is so upset about the gender pay gap, he said he's going to start paying us 33 cents ex

laughter ] here it is in a sentence. i was fooling around with jenny, i was about to make it to second base. but, her algebra was so complicated, i had to use the quadratic equation to get it off. [ laughter and applause ] our next routine slang term is "united passenger," let's see what it means. [ audience oohs ] it's the drunk kid who gets dragged out of prom. [ laughter ] here it is in a sentence. mike got so drunk, he ditched his prom date to grind on a water cooler. and the next thing you know, two large men were dragging him out of the door with his belly exposed. #unitedpassenger. [ laughter and applause ] moving on -- you all probably know patrick dempsey. patrick dempsey the ageless, hunky mcdreamy from "grey's anatomy." and he's huge with teens. [ light laughter ] very popular with teens. so popular, that teens have come up with a new slang term based on how ageless patrick dempsey is. it's "patrick hempsey." lets see the definition. it's weed that's 51-years-old, but still looks fantastic. [ light laughter ] from '66 in one of my grandma's old boxes. but i got to say, that