weekend, president trump compared himself to abraham lincoln, who he claimed fought with the media and called them out. yep, that's who abraham lincoln was most famous for warring with, the media. [ laughter ] the north versus the media. [ applause ] a canadian teacher was suspended last week after giving her students instructions for making and injecting crystal meth. i'm sorry, suspended? [ laughter ] what do you have to do to get fired in canada? [ light laughter ] buy it for them? "eh, we're going to have to give you the day off on account of the meth. and i hate to say it but you're officially on thin ice. [ laughter ] this is your ninth and next to last warning." [ light laughter ] and finally, a colorado man recently survived a 40-foot fall trying to make a parkour video with friends. it's the first known case of a person doing parkour and also having friends. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen we've got a great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] she is one of our favorites here at "late night." she's the star of the very funny "table 19," anna kendrick is back on

>> with -- who else is in the past? >> seth: abraham lincoln. >> lincoln wasn't on it. >> seth: lincoln should be on it. >> no, but it was with houdini. [ light laughter ] >> seth: with abraham lincoln. >> and, no, no. [ light laughter ] who's the guy that was the traitor? >> seth: oh, yeah. abraham lincoln. [ laughter ] >> no. >> seth: it was benedict arnold. >> yeah, it was. it was. it was. ♪ with houdini and benedict arnold and abraham lincoln ♪ [ laughter ] >> they didn't do one with lincoln. >> seth: well, they should. ♪ timeless back in tiiiiiiime less ♪ >> yes! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: okay. as a married man, i'm worried that i've lost my ability to pick up a woman in a bar. >> you still need it? >> seth: no, i just feel like you want to know you have it. >> copy that. >> seth: here's what's going to happen. i'm gonna come out with you. i'm going to try to pick you up at a bar. >> but you're gonna come up with me? [ laughter ] >> seth: here we go. i'm going to try to pick you up. and here's the thing. if the minute you think "no," i just want you to go, "meh." hey

team is just like abraham lincoln's "team of rivals." who can forget lincoln's stirring words denouncing slavery. >> a house divided against itself cannot stand. i believe this government cannot endure half slave and half free. and i also believe that my election victory was the biggest election victory of all time and no one believed i could do it. [ light laughter ] the fake news, the fake polls, terrible people. terrible dishonest people but we won. oh, we won all right. isn't that right, mooch? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so now -- now, with gop leaders scrambling to scrounge together the votes for some kind of new, undisclosed plan, trump is personally going after republicans who are bucking him, like alaska senator lisa murkowski who voted no on tuesday. and it's not just trump going after his fellow republicans who are against this bill, georgia gop congressman, buddy carter, who was asked about murkowski voting no. and he seemed to threaten her with physical violence. >> what do you think about the president going after lisa murkowski for her no vote

turns out that donald trump is the greatest republican since abraham lincoln, i will be thrilled. >> seth: same here. >> i will be thrilled. i don't think it's going to be the case. [ light laughter ] and everything that he campaigned on, everything that i see in the transition from the november 8th until now, really doesn't portend well. i mean when you have somebody that's in charge of the environment that seems to hate the environment. when you have a national security adviser that seems a little, you know like he should be in dr. strangelove. >> seth: mmm-hmm. >> that's a problem. >> seth: yeah, these do sound problematic. >> that's a problem. and when you are trying to figure out how to run a national government, and you think the best thing to do with your time at 5:00 in the morning is tweet about the editor of "vanity fair." maybe that's a little distracted. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> and i really believe that if you miss -- if you are going to miss barack obama in a month, you are really going to miss him in six months. and i say that in all seriousness and kno

the presidency would be easier than being a game show host? [ laughter ] there's a reason abraham lincoln is on the 5 instead of alex trebek. [ laughter and applause ] although i have to say, i have to say -- that this, this is the most absurd part of trump's answer. >> i'm a details-oriented person. i think you would say that. >> seth: no. [ laughter ] i would not say that. [ light laughter ] no one thinks details are your strong suit. [ light laughter ] and i'm not even talking about the little details i'm talking about things like why did the civil war happen or you know, which country did i just bomb? >> we've just launched 59 missiles heading to iraq. >> headed to syria? >> yes, heading towards syria. [ laughter ] >> seth: yes, yes, syria, but you know, iraq, spoiler alert. [ laughter and applause ] now -- now, you might think -- you might think a president as unqualified as trump would show some humility, instead, he spent the last few days as usual, attacking the media. today, he abruptly ended an interview with cbs's john dickerson after once again, making his baseless cla

. this is my bust of abraham lincoln." [ light laughter ] but, trump has already focused on 2020. and, i guess in a way it makes sense because he loves running for president, but he hates being president. and the reason he hates it, is it's hard. as evidenced by the fact that the signature legislation of his presidency so far, the gop healthcare bill, is one of the most unpopular pieces of legislation in recent history. in fact, multiple polls have come out this week on the senate bill, and each one somehow manages to be even worse than the last. >> npr pbs news hour marist poll, overall 17% of americans support the senate republican plan. >> the polling out today on the bill is absolutely terrible for republicans. 16% of americans, according to quinnipiac. >> a "u.s.a. today" poll -- 12% approval of this bill from the senate. >> seth: 12%? his healthcare bill is an iphone in a horror movie. [ light laughter ] it's going to hit zero, and everyone is going to die. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: in fact, the bill is so unpopular, that trump is now at the point where he's promising a t

in ohio last night, president trump said that abraham lincoln is the only president more presidential than him. and then this is weird. trump invited him to the white house. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "i think we would enjoy each others' company." [ applause ] according to politico, president trump and attorney general jeff sessions are no longer on speaking terms. though come to think of it, trump by himself is barely on speaking terms. [ laughter ] >> bing, bing. bong, bong. bing, bing, bing. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: hillary clinton's new memoir on the 2016 presidential race will be released in september. it just has to be transcribed from the car she keyed it into. [ laughter ] president trump today wrote an all-cap tweet saying, quote, "in america we don't worship government, we worship god." though, i think most of us would happily worship whichever one gets you out of office first. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the ride-hailing app uber announced today that customers will have to pay a $15 delivery fee for returning forgotten items in cars

who they are drawing inspiration from. in 2009, barack obama said he'd be reading abraham lincoln speeches to prepare. so what's trump been reading? well, some reporters tried to ask him during an interview in his trump tower office this week which books he's read that he would recommend, and he give this cryptic answer, quote, "i like a lot of books. i like reading books. i don't have the time to read very much now in terms of the books, but i like reading them." [ laughter ] "i don't have the time to read very much now in terms of the books." [ laughter ] he sounds like an alien pretending to be a high school student. [ laughter ] "i very much love the skateboarding and the kissing with the girls and also, i'm going to prom with my mom. my choice." [ laughter ] we did get a little more information about trump's reading habits in that interview, though. when trump was asked about his intelligence briefings, quote, "trump says he likes his briefings short. ideally one page if it's in writing. 'i like bullets, or i like as little as possible.'" "ideally, i like my security briefings deliver

. >> seth: this is a story about a grieving abraham lincoln. but you created all these ghosts, and they're very comic characters. is that when you went into it? i know your style is often to bring humor into things. did you think, when you first heard that story about lincoln, did you think, "oh, there's going to be some laughs in there?" >> yeah, no, i did not think that. you know it's actually -- in a way, i think, making a book is a bit like riding a bike. you know, you front load a story with that much sadness and at some point it just gets unbearable, and you look around for something else to do. so you're kind of -- you know, the reader is like in, like an intimate communication with you. she's looking at you and she's like, "dude, your story is too sad." you know. "you're harshing my buzz here." so then you say, "all right, i know, i know." and it's in that moment of saying "i know" that you can correct. so you're -- you've got your eye on the reader, you're thinking very highly of her. and when you start getting tired of the sadness, she is too. then you just put your finge

the republican party yesterday, tweeted a fake abraham lincoln quote. okay, yeah, i -- i knew that didn't look right. [ laughter ] president trump today held a press conference with canadian prime minister justin trudeau. just look at those two. it looks like a debate between a snowboarding instructor and a ghost that drowned. [ laughter ] trudy and the beast. [ light laughter ] president trump today, spoke on the phone with the presidents of nigeria and south africa, and i just pray that before those calls, someone told him how to pronounce nigeria. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow is valentine's day, and to celebrate, education secretary betsy devos, made her own candies. [ laughter ] president trump will reportedly have lunch with chris christie tomorrow. "just a salad please," said christie, when asked if there was anything on the menu he didn't want. [ laughter ] apple's stock hit an all-time high today, and i think i know why. [ light laughter ] during their grammy performance last night, a rap group a tribe called quest, referred to president trump as president

department store is not very presidential, but to be fair, who can forget this fiery letter abraham lincoln wrote to a hat making shop in 1862. >> dearest sirs, i have been informed that you do not want to carry my personal line of stovepipe hats. regretful. i hope the rain destroys your cheap loser hats, and then a bird [ bleep ] on your head. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: now -- another worrisome thing about trump's tweet, is that it was written at 10:51 a.m., but according to the president's daily schedule, he was supposed to be receiving his daily intelligence briefing at 10:30 a.m. [ audience ohs ] so is trump skipping out on an intelligence briefing, to tweet about his daughter's business? white house press secretary sean spicer tried to clear things up. >> the timing of that tweet, it looked like it was right after his president -- >> no, it wasn't. >> or during, can you just -- >> i -- i've heard the conjecture. he was free when that happened. >> seth: okay, but here's my question, why was he free when that happened? [ light laughter ] did the briefing really take less than 20 minute