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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 4, 2012 9:30am-10:00am PST

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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the "report"! thank you for joining us! (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. what a wonderful way to start the year.
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i had a fantastic christmas vacation, hope you had a good one, too. it's great to be back. we are back, correct? we are back? okay, good. (laughter) i just want to make sure because i do not go anywhere. i have been here behind this desk the entire time shouting in the dark. about a half hour ago these people showed up, the camera guy showed up. they turned up the lights, i assume that means we're back on the air. folks, it's good to be back because tonight is the biggest political story of the century. the ohio... no, i'm sorry, that is the iowa... (laughter). the iowa caucuses. the caucusi? let's check on that. either way, it's the superbowl of old midwestern people in a high school gym sitting in folding chairs. (laughter) and, folks, no one is on this story like i am tonight! i am bringing you every corner of the state, the most complete coverage i could get from free
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web cams. (laughter) we're talking the county courthouse live parking lot web cam. a highway cam on i think that is the iowa avenue bridge over the iowa river. they're a creative people. and the iowa corn cam catching up on all the up-to-the-minute developments with an ear of iowa corn. and, of course, the report report cam cam that film it is camera that is filming the web site. now, normally we broadcast live at 11:30 every night. but tonight i am pretaping my show at 7:00 so i could get home in time to catch the start of the hyping of new hampshire. but just because it is impossible for me to know the winner of iowa yet, that will not keep me from being the first to call this race. i can already say who will lose-- jon huntsman. (laughter) who is completely skipping iowa
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to focus on new hampshire and to add insult to injury, he added an insult. jim? >> they pick corn in iowa. they actually pick presidents here in new hampshire. (audience reacts). >> stephen: yes. new hampshire picks presidents. just ask presidents buchanan, and tsongas. that was a thoughtless insult by huntsman and i am personally offended. not for iowa, they are pig farmers and it's a miracle their state flag is not a pair of overalls. (laughter) no, i am offended for corn! how dare jon huntsman insult america's national calorie pellet? all americans do is eat corn! we consume it in all phases of matter-- solid, liquid, cool ranch. (laughter) at this point, americans are 98% corn and if you are what you eat then corn is picking the next president of the united states!
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show it some respect, huntsman. remember the pledge of allegiance. (laughter) one nation, under cob, indanib indanibble with liberty and fructose for all. (laughter and applause) so we know who's out. but who is going to take this thing? before the break, iowa was a sure thing for newt gingrich-- after it was a shoe-in for herman cain, a cinch for rick perry, money in the bank for michele bachmann and gold bars sewn into a mattress for ron paul. so imagine my shock and surprise when former senator rick santorum stormed to the head of the third place. (laughter) a lot of people have counted santorum out as unelectable or at the very least ungooglable.
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you see, a few years ago santorum compared homosexual relationships to man on dog sex. angering friend of the show and enemy of families dan savage who then launched an internet campaign to redefine santorum's name. now, if you're drinking a milk shake or eating a chocolate myself i advise you to set it aside before i read savage's definition of santorum. "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of age se of ana" (audience reacts) are we all right? but thanks to his surging campaign, santorum has ended this unfair association of his name with hot man love. right, news people? >> santorum has got the big mug. you have a surge in the back end of the polling for rick santorum. >> stephen: yup. nothing gay. just big mo polling santorum in
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the big back end. (cheers and applause) so what existed lifted santorum above the froth? was it his strong conservative record? his family values? his christian faith? partly, but mostly it was fashion. jim. >> i was at a speech two weeks ago and it's one of those... i just happened to wear a sweater vest that day. that speech went over very, very well and if there was one event that i would have to say that really began the moment it was that speech and i think most people recognize that here and so all of a sudden the sweater vest, it was like fear the vest. >> stephen: yes. fear the vest. in iowa that look is fierce! (laughter)
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we all know throughout history electoral power has hinged on partial coverage torso clothing. remember eisenhower's cummerbund, woodrow wilson's rainbow suspenders and theodore wilson's tube top. (laughter) so will it be santor runnel? only the people of iowa can say for sure. unfortunately, after nine months, thousands of campaign appearances, since different front-runners and $16 million in campaign spending 43% of iowa voters haven't made a final decision and those who have decided said they could change their minds. so to get their answers, let's go live to an actual iowa republican caucus goer... or cawcation joining us via satellite from dubuque, iowa, please welcome tom cherney, thank you for joining us, mr. cherney. (cheers and applause)
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you are a registered republican voter from iowa, correct? >> uh-huh. >> stephen: so who are you supporting tonight? >> i don't know. >> well, mr. cherney, some say romney is the candidate of destiny. will you be caucusing for him? >> ooh, um... well... (laughter). >> stephen: how about ron paul? very fashion gnat following there. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. ooh! >> stephen: newt gingrich. >> ugh. ugh. hmm. >> stephen: rick perry. >> huh? >> stephen: perry! >> oh! (mumbles). >> stephen: so you're not excited about any of the candidates? >> well, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah.
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>> stephen: well, i'll let you get to the caucus. good luck deciding who will be the next president of the united states. >> (sighs) yeah. (cheers and applause) all right, evidently the iowa voter is a poor predictor of what the iowa voter will do but ladies and gentlemen i am still committed to making a definitive call on this race based on little or no evidence leaving me only one sure fire journalistic alternative, psychic invertebrates. now, you may remember paul the octopus who correctly pick sod many winners who n the 2010 world cup. unfortunately, paul died in 20 2010. our thoughts and lemon wedges are with him. but, nation, it stands to reason that other mollusks like paul
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have clairvoyance so determine-to-determine the winner of the 2012 republican caucus please welcome the "the colbert report's" official prognosticating snail megan shelley. (cheers and applause) so here's how it's going to work. we have constructed a scale model of a republican debate. now, to tempt megan we have each candidate behind a podium carved from fresh cucumber. (laughter) okay. there you go. (cheers and applause) are we excited? (cheers and applause) all right, let's see who... get ready there, megan. let's see who the winner is!
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(cheers and applause). (applause) okay. go for it. there you go, megan, go for it. do your stuff. any moment now. any moment there. there you go, there you go. there you go. go for it. so tempting these candidates. (bleep) it. we will check in. we will check in with megan shelley later this month.
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we'll be right
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sneup welcome back, thank you very much. folks... you know, as i said before, it's great to be back from holiday but as always whenever i take a break major news hits. like dick cheney shooting a guy in the face, the underwear bombers scorching his nards. tiger woods scorching his nards.
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(laughter) folks, it's happened again. for starters, over the break, katy perry and russell brand split up. i know, such a fairy tale wedding. but luckily there's a new celebrity couple to take their place. mayor bloomberg and lady gaga who delivered yet another outrageous outfit. really. a flag sweater on new years? you look like a slut! (laughter) but the even bigger news, folks, is that a certain country has lost its dear leader and i'm not talking about the elf that is currently ruling canada. (laughter) for more we go to north korean state t.v. pyongyang government mandated news leader. >> (translated): i am announcing in the most wolfe mind that our great leader kim jong-il passed away due to a sudden illness. >> stephen: that's right, kim jong-il is kim jong-dead.
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and folks... (cheers and applause) his plan here, his little scheme here is so obvious he clearly slipped away while i was on break because he knew i would gloat. after all, i am his number-one global opponent. jim? i. >> north korea, an isolated country ruled by a lunch lady in meineke overalls. elevator repairman onesy. i was going to send a giant novelty check until i realized for kim jong-il this is a giant novelty check. not to mention, folks, i have personally crushed his spirit with my spot-on impression. (laughter) but even though kim jong-il was my sworn enemy, i do feel for the millions of north koreans who are fulfilling the central government's mandate to be grief stricken. so let's take a fond look back at the life of lil' kim jong-il.
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(laughter) jim? ♪ ♪
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(cheers and applause) welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the junior senator from vermont. who will be the first guest i've ever lured here with cheddar. please welcome senator bernie sanders. (cheers and applause) senator sanders, thanks so much for coming back. all right, sir, you are an independent senator from the great state of vermont. you have a new book called "the speech: an historic filibuster on corporate greed and the decline of our middle-class." this is literally the text of what you said in an eight and a half hour filibuster. >> correct. >> stephen: on the floor of congress. what were you trying to stop from happening when you shot off at the mouth. (laughter) for a third of a day.
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>> what i was trying to stop was a very bad agreement between the president and the republicans which extended the bush tax breaks for the wealthiest people in this country. in my view. >> stephen: so you're the guy who causes the gridlock in congress. >> not exactly. >> stephen: they were trying to deal do a deal and you said "no deals. bernie sanders believes in stasis." (laughter) >> no, bernie sanders believes that the middl middle-class is collapsing. that working families need a break. that the wealthiest people are doing phenomenally well and that it's totally appropriate that they start paying their fair share of taxes. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you for cheering me as a wealthy person. surely by wealthy you mean job creator. >> actually if you look at the largest corporations in this country they've been outsourcing millions of jobs to china and
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other countries. >> stephen: i didn't say where they were creating the jobs, sir. >> (laughs (laughs). >> stephen: you will admit they are job creators. >> unfortunately not in america. >> stephen: one of your bugaboos-- if i can use that word on a family show-- is the citizens united decision. >> the absurd citizens united decision. >> stephen: in this decision it said that because corporations are people which has been settled law since santa clara v. southern pacific railroad in 1886, because they are persons they have free speech and since money equals speech they can use unlimited money in political speech. what's your problem with that? >> stephen: . >> between you and me, corpses are not people.
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>> stephen: yes, they are. >> exxonmobil, bank of america, they are not the kind of guy you sit down and have a beer with. they don't vote. they shouldn't be allowed to spend unlimited hundreds of millions of dollars collectively on political campaigns without disclosure. this is a an attack on what american democracy should be about. >> you want corporations to ride on the back of the bus even if it's a bus company! (laughter) >> no. corporations... >> stephen: you are curtailing the speech. >> they can have all the speech they want but they can not be allowed to buy elections and that's precisely what citizens united is about. >> stephen: i work for viacom. >> yeah. >> stephen: all right? >> yeah. >> stephen: that's a big corporation. i get to have political speech on my show. >> you are a person, viacom is not a person. >> stephen: but viacom pays me to say these things! >> (laughs). >> stephen: if viacom pays me to say something i will say it on my show, okay? what is to keep... why can't
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viacom do that as a huge corporation but monsanto can't? >> because corporations are instruments of government. government is controlled by the people. the people elect their government. >> stephen: so the government can tell viacom they can not broadcast editorials? >> no... >> stephen: your little bill said corporations could not use unlimited money for speech. corporations like viacom that are news corporations could not have political speech. check and mate, sir. wow. >> i don't think so. what i think that if american democracy has s going to survive they can not have a handful of large entities spending hundreds of millions of dollars electing the candidates who will represent their interest. we need a constitutional amendment which makes it very clear. corpses are not people, they do not have freedom of expression
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in terms of buying elections and, in fact, legislatures and the congress do have the right to regulate campaign finance. >> stephen: you introduced such an amendment on december 8 called the saving american democracy act or the sad act. (laughter) citizens united is a very, very sad decision. one of the worst supreme court decisions ever made. >> stephen: if someone wants to support your call for a constitutional amendment against citizens united is there a place they can go. >> we have a web site, we have 120,000 people have already signed the petition. we would like more on the the second anniversary of this disastrous decision. there's going to be demonstrations all across the country. >> stephen: it has to be passed through both houses of congress and then ratified by two-thirds of the states? so by may?
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>> absolutely. absolutely. >> stephen: senator sanders, thank you so much for joining me. senator bernard sanders, the book is "the speech." we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good night! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central


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