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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 5, 2012 9:30am-10:00am PST

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captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the report." [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you so much. [speaking french] good to have you with us, everybody.
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forgive me if i'm a little jittery. i was up all night last night watching the iowa caucuses, and today i may have had one too many venti meth-a-ccinos. as you know, mitt romney was not declared the victor in iowa until 1:30 a.m. and mitt usually doesn't stay up that late unless he's got heartburn from a particularly spicy wheat thin. [laughter] but last night romney rewarded his hard-working troops with a rousing impromptu victory speech. >> o beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain. does corn qualify as amber waves of grain? i guess not, but you get the idea. >> stephen:, no that was from last week. i want last night's victory speech.
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>> o beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain. does corn qualify as amber waves of grain? i guess not, but you get the idea. >> stephen: no, no, from thursday. >> o beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain. >> stephen: no, that's from monday. i want last night's speech, mitt romney proved by the moment. >> o beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain. >> stephen: all right. thank you. thank you. thank you, jim. that's enough. i think we'll all remember everywhere we were every time we heard that. of course, it was not a resounding victory. former senator and world's palest dark horse rick santorum lost iowa by only eight votes, which is six 1,000ths of 1%. to put that in layman's term, romney got the vote of every black republican in iowa. santorum's near victory proves that money hasn't taken over our political process no matter how hard i try. one man with a vision, a willingness to work hard and a
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laser-like homophobia can still make a mark. but santorum scored an even bigger victory last night because this morning for the first time in eight years, when i googled the word "santorum," the first result was for rick santorum. yes. [cheering and applause] the cruel definition of a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter was fittingly at number two, so senator santorum, i hope you're feeling a frothy mixture of pride and hope. sadly, it was a rough night for newt gingrich, coming in fourth place thanks to a blistering barrage of negative ads. in december nearly half of all political commercials in iowa were attacks on newt gingrich. it got so bad even non-political ads went after him. ♪ i'm loving it
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unlike newt gingrich ♪ who left his wife >> stephen: now, most of these ads were produced by the pro-romney super pac. but i don't blame mitt, he couldn't have stopped the ads if he wanted to. >> super pacs have to be entirely separate of a campaign. i'm not allowed to communicate with a super pac in any way, shape or form. >> so you're not coordinating whatsoever? >> if we coordinate in any way whatsoever, we go to the big house. >> stephen: that's right, the big house, the slammer, the gray-bar hotel, the hoosegow, the windy city, montezuma's revenge, 23 skidoo. the point is, it is not romney's super pac. it is a separate organization founded by romney's lawyer, for which romney has personally raised money and that in turn has spent $2.8 million the support him.
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totally separate. the same way that chang was separate from eng. but for some reason newt gingrich does not believe it. >> are you calling mitt romney a liar? >> yes. [laughter] >> you're calling mitt romney a liar? >> well, you seem shocked by it. yes. >> why are you saying he's a liar? >> this is man whose staff created the pac. his millionaire friends fund the pac. he pretends he has nothing to do with the pac. it's baloney. >> stephen: baloney. those are strong words coming from man who is one-eighth cold cut. his grandfather was an olive loaf. and now newt has the knives out for mitt romney. listen to these not-so-veiled threats he issued last night. >> we are not going to go out and run nasty ads, but i do reserve the right to tell the
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truth. and if the truth seems negative, that may be more a comment on his record than it is on politics. >> stephen: oh, mitt, you have made a fatal mistake. you may have wounded newt. but you left him alive. and alone with his first love -- hate. newt's wound will now fester, oozing a pustulent rage which will render down into liquid vengeance and then pour into the tip of a single hallow-nosed bullet and then fire into the heart of romney room's dreams and dance and cackle on the grave of your hopes. [cheering and applause] but not in a negative way. [laughter] nation, personally i cannot wait for this weekend's debates in new hampshire because when mitt romney least expects it, newt
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gingrich is going to turn to him and say... >> hello. my name is newt gingrich. you killed my campaign. prepare to die. [cheering and applause] >> i think that makes ron paul princess buttercup. of course, folks, last night was a marathon for my colleagues in cable news. fortunately they were up to the challenge. especially my friends over at the fox news team, led by hunky quarterback brett baier and beautiful bird of prey megyn kelly. >> it is too close to call right now at this moment. we're still waiting on some votes. actually from story county. what we don't know is what is taking so long. >> we're now in hour five, just for those of you counting at home, hour five and still no winner and no explanation for why there isn't a winner.
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>> we're getting into the wee hours of the morning, and it's obvious that they don't seem to have any idea where these ballots are. >> how will this go and how long will this go? and what are we to make of the fact that it's still going? [laughter] >> stephen: but death would not come, so they soldiered on despite the loss of basic mental functions. >> look how close it is. rick santorum now in second place only by a few... let's see... about 60 votes. no, no, no, about 100 votes. >> the top two battling it out, and the difference is... again with the path. >> i think it's only 13 votes. >> okay. so just to make clear, as we look at the numbers here, 28, 201 minus 28... >> really? really? >> okay. i did it wrong. [laughter] you know what, let's go to
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break. >> fox were not my only colleagues slogging through the caucus swamp. cnn debuted their new flick technology, which allowed them to throw charts at each other across the studio when it wasn't confounding erin burnett. >> before i send it back to you anselmison, we'll do a reverse flick. >> oh. >> oh, no. >> are you ready? >> yes, yes. very good. >> third time's the charm. excellent flicking going on. >> stephen: erin, you clearly need a lesson in advanced flickology, so join me now at "the colbert report" flictronic-tron 5600. [cheering and applause] [siren blares] welcome to the flictronic-tron 5600, where the news will not stay in one place. okay. now, let's bring up erin
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burnett's lovely photo and flick. [cheering and applause] [flushing] >> stephen: where did she go? where did she go? where is erin now, you ask? let's see. i'm sensing a presence somewhere, somewhere in the... it's in this area. young lady, hole still. are you... what's, what's this? cnn? is this your graphic? pow. sthat's how you report an e,
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guys. we'll be right back. thank you. [cheering and applause]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much.
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now, folks, just because the iowa caucus results are in does not mean i am turning my laser focus away from the hawkeye state. other news organizations may hit it and quit it, but colbert don't roll that way. and this caucus has left me with an unquenchable thirst for iowa news. well, thankfully i have a local affiliate woi abc 5 des moines's news leader. when i >>-want iowa news, i-watch iowa news team. i love the whole team, especially brad edwards, certified as central iowa's most accurate meteorologist. how many years? >> five! >> stephen: in a row, bitches. so let's check in for the latest
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iowa news, woi news team, thank you for joining us. >> hello, stephen. good to see you again. >> stephen: great to see you, amman damp >> i'm rachel. >> stephen: yes, you are. rachel, last night was the iowa caucus. the national media is reporting that mitt romney won by eight votes, but you know the network boys. sometimes they can screw the pooch on the local story. does that line up with what you're seeing on the ground? >> yes, mitt romney won by eight votes. >> stephen: that's an exclusive confirmation from an actual iowan. mitt romney wins yesterday's caucus. so, amman dark what can we expect from today's caucus? >> there is no caucus today. >> stephen: i see. when is the next one? >> in four years. >> stephen: okie doak. so caucus isn't the only story. what else is cooking in the greater des moines metro plex? >> stephen, our top story tonight, the west branch city council is considering a
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proposed rule that could limit recording of city council meetings. >> stephen: whoa-ho, secrecy at the highest levels of local government. what do you think they're hiding, rachel in >> it's amman damp >> stephen: fair enough. >> they're just clarifying an existing rule. recordings will still be allowed. >> stephen: all right. nothing there. how is the corn coming in? >> the corn was harvested back in october, stephen. >> stephen: let's check in with john walters over in sports. sport me up. >> huge news for the iowa state women's basketball team. chelsea poppins was named big 12 player of the week. >> stephen: hey, there is no stopping poppins. in your face, other players. >> stephen, we're proud of all the cyclones. >> stephen: no doubt. let's shoot over to brad edwards at the wealth center. what do you got for us, b-brad. massive floods, hurricanes, anything plus? >> lots of sunshine. it is warmer than average.
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looks like it's a good time to take the kids out for one last hike before the snows come. >> stephen: thanks, brad. i would say my thirst for iowa coverage is fully flaked. thanks, guys. >> when's the next check-in, stephen? >> stephen: tell me what, let me just check my calendar. >> that's a remote. >> stephen: it is? >> just four days to the wmur new hampshire debate >> stephen: welcome back,
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everybody. my guest tonight is the national affairs editor for "new york" magazine and political analyst for msnpc. he's here to hide from ed schultz. please welcome john heilemann. [cheering and applause] hey, john, good to see you again. please, sit down. all right, sir. welcome back to the show. >> oh, i'm so happy to be here, stephen. >> stephen: last time you were here, you were here the talk about your 2008 tell-all book "game change" which you wrote with mark halperin. it was the behind-the-scenes story of the 2008 campaign. you cobbled together this insider information off the record conversations. you're one of these political insiders. you know what goes on behind the scenes. is there a lot of egg on you guys' face this year because
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nobody knows anything about what's happening. you guys are trying to figure it out. you think it's colonel mustard with the candlestick in the conservatory. turns out it's rick santorum with a sweater vest in iowa. you guys don't know this year. >> nobody knows anything. it's the most unpredictable year certainly in my political life time. that's what's make it such a gripping and exciting contest and such great fodder for "game change two" >> stephen: you're plugging a book that doesn't exist. you're really a king shill. >> you started it. >> stephen: did i? let's end it. >> okay. stoop steep what do we expect right now? santorum, this is a victory. he might have lost, but it's a victory. >> oh, yeah, look. the night started with rick santorum in an uncomfortable position, like a nightmare scenario. he was in a three-way with two other men. and then gradually ron paul fell
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back and now he's in the situation where he wins what the santorum campaign would call a virtual tie and the romney campaign would call an eight-vote landslide. he comes out with a huge amount of momentum out of iowa haines now going to go up to new hampshire and run what i think... what looks to me like pat buchanan's campaign against bob dole. >> stephen: populism and pitchforks? he's a modern-day reagan. >> reagan had this sunny optimism and he sounded presidential. rick santorum is kind of a earnest figure and he sounds more like a combination of eddie haskell, john kerry and jerry falwell. it's like senatorial plus religious, and that's not where reagan lived. >> stephen: let's talk about the guy who two weeks, three weeks ago looked like the guy who had this thing sown up, newt
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gingrich. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. he really seems like his number-one goal is to stick a sharpened screwdriver into mitt romney's lung. >> yeah. the teddy bear is angry. and there is... >> stephen: the claws are out. >> there is nothing in politics more frightening than a vindictive teddy bear. >> stephen: i don't know if it's true, but some people said he was running to basically get his brand out there again, get his speaking fees back up, get another book out there again, and he's got that. he doesn't have to do anything more, right? so now he can just focus himself and he can just turn himself into a human weapon. he can just march up to the romney campaign in new hampshire and go,... he does not care what happens to him. >> a weird thing happens.
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a lot go into it think i'll go on a book tour, herman cain was like this, too. i'll sell some books and get a talk show on fox. they become a front-runner that. moment makes them think, hey, i could be president. >> stephen: is it romney's really? >> the last time there was an inevitable nominee, it was hillary clinton, and we know how that worked out. >> there are only inevitable republicans. >> it's true. romney did something in iowa that was important. he crippled the two candidates they were most worried about, rick perry, and gingrich gingrich. they thought those guys could beat romney. they got the two guys they wanted to run against, ron paul and rick santorum. the problem is there's 75% of the people in the republican party who don't want to vote for mitt romney. >> stephen: why don't they have, when the time come, i'll hold my nose and think of england. >> it's close your eyes and think of england...
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>> stephen: no, you've got to keep your eyes open to know what you're doing. >> even if it's newt gingrich? >> stephen: you know it's newt gingrich. what am i talking about? >> i have no idea. the 75% of the republicans who don't want mitt romney? >> what about the hard-core conservatives who want hard-core conservative. do they not get a voice? they're the vast majority. >> this is the threat that romney faces is having now effectively gotten michele bachmann out of the race for real, rick perry is probably more or less out of the race. you could see a consolidation of the conservative hard core tea party party, evangelicals around rick santorum in south carolina as gingrich does the things that you describe, destroying romney, laying waste, pillaging, raping, doing whatever he has to do, and rick santorum of all people, rick santorum could be the conservative consensus candidate who knocks mitt romney out. >> stephen: that would be wonderful. i mean, that would be enjoyable
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is what i meant, to report on. >> it would be and, you know, it would... to see rick santorum at the top of the ticket would be, the republican ticket, he would be at the top of the ticket and we'd speculate about who is going to be on the bottom. >> stephen: i see him as a top. >> this may be the moment for you to answer a call to service. >> stephen: again, i'll close my eyes. thank you so much. john heilemann. we'll be r
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