tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central January 10, 2012 6:30pm-7:00pm PST
yahoo! wmur red lobster all you can eat opinionfest. now when i watch any debate obviously i play one of those drinking games. but i knew there were two debates this weekend so to take it easy, i took a shot only when someone said the word contraception. >> con traception, contrasense, contraception, contrasense. >> contraception. >> contraception within contraception. >> by the end i was more wasted than a donation to the huttsman campaign. (applause) needless to say-- needless to say, i was a little hungover. i woke up the next day thanking jesus, whose opinions did i agree with last night. but nothing cures a debate
hang over like a little hair of the elephant that bit you. luckily nbc had a debate the next morning at 9 a.m. a great chance to see how mitt romney's positions had changed over the past ten hours. (laughter) and i have to say, folks, in both debates i was really impressed with rick perry. >> i think that you have to-- i would send troops back into iraq. >> yes! about damn time! let's get our troops back into iraq! we've been for almost two weeks now. plenty of time for those bastards to get weapons of mass destruction. the governor perry knows the geo political chess being played here. >> i think it is a huge error for us. we're going to see iran in my opinion, move back in at literally the speed of light. >> the speed of light.
not figurively, literally. i mean forget nuclear weapons. (applause) speed of light. folks, forget nuclear weapons, iran has developed the warp drive. those sen ri-- centrifuges were actually enriching dilithium crystals and unless we stop them captain ahmadinejad will be getting on with 72 space virgins. >> who can blame them. >> and folks, the other candidates said things but i don't care. because i was wanted red meat, gingrich feasting on tartar you know he's tender because more mondays are milk fed. but everything they said in these debates was just middle of the antiabortion ban gay marriage obama is a
socialist road. i blame it all on moderate new hampshire. >> jim. >> in new hampshire, independents can vote in either party's primary. so it's a more moderate state. >> usually the social conservative candidate goes to iowa. the more moderate candidates are here in new hampshire. >> new hampshire is far more northeastern moderate. >> stephen: so no surprise that new hampshire is more moderate on social issues. after all, for the past 200 years new hampshire's been 69ing vermont. so they're very happy together. (applause) >> stephen: it's a committed stable relationship. so naturally the candidates are trying to appeal to the voters in the granite state. witch huntsman has done by adopting the charisma of igneous rock. now i think the candidates should take their lead from a new bill introduced by new
hampshire republicans. you see, last year the national gop lawmakers in congress came up with a new rule quote requiring that each bill filed in the house cite its specific constitutional authority. because republicans understand that america must remain exactly the same way it was when the founders drafted the constitution in 1787. be gone ye devil scrotum! (laughter) just as hot as the devil's scrotum. well, new hampshire republicans are taking this idea to its moderate extreme. by proposing that all new legislation include a direct quote from the mack that carta, which sets forth the article from which the individual rights or liberty is derived. yes, the magazine that carta, the declaration of rights of english barrons written in 1215 originally composed as an op ed in rupert murdoch's
first paper the york post. (laughter) i mean this document clearly inspired our founding fathers. in fact, the only thing that jefferson read more than the magazine that carta was slave tale. (laughter) as one of the new hampshire's bills authors put it, everything has an origin and this is part of the origin of what we have in our country. this is a little bit older than the constitution but the same thought is there. yes, 572 years is a little bit older than the constitution. but it still applies. remember the magazine that carta was written by angry rich men who believed their ruler was an il legitment usurper. so i hope the candidates will u the mack that carta to appeal to the famously moderate new hampshire republicans. governor romney, independence may question your ties to wall street, so promise to crack down on
predatory lending by citing magna carta section 11, if a man dies owing money to jews, his wife may have her dower and pay nothing for the debt promised. (cheers and applause) although and i cannot stress this enough, that probably won't go over as well in florida. and rick perry, you need to show new hampshire that you got foreign policy chops. so stand firmly behind section 58 of the magna carta which calls for the return of the sons of lieu "ellen" and all welsh-- come on! it is day 290,936 of the welsh hostage crisis. let our long bowman go. heers and applause) >> stephen: yes. and ron paul, you should dress up as merlin.
now. let into gold, lead into gold. now basing all your laws on 13th century english treaties sits moderate new hampshire-- fits moderate new hampshire but south carolina is next so they're going want to go back even further. south carolina is a big military state so newt gingrich try citing roman lawmaker cato the elder speeches against cartaage i think we stand with vipio africannus to help hannibal in crossing the all s and impose sanctions to keep parthian from acquiring parky determine technology. and rick santorum when you get to florida, are you going to want to pitch your replacement for obama care so go all the way back to the babylonian code of hamarabbi. an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth that covers both vision and dental.
of course, as the primaries go on the candidates will need to cite older and older stuff like cave paintings and whatever was in the pockets of octi the iceman because when are you a republican candidate the only way to lead america not future is by tying yourself to the distant past. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. nation, i don't think it's any secret that i am a huge fan of rick santorum. i have loved him ever since his work in davey and goliath. and now thanks to his strong showing in iowa, people are really starting to listen to rick bring the truth, hot and heavy and strictly missionary. for instance, speaking at a double new hampshire-- dublin, new hampshire high school on friday santorum condemned gays and lesbians raising kids saying even fathers in jail who had abandoned their kids were still better than
no father at all who have in their children's lives. i means that's just common sense. i think we can all agree that rosie o'donnell is not as suited to parenting as charles charles manson. after all, we know he was a family man. so lesbian moms, you listen to rick. whether you got your children through adoption, a surrogate or just tripped and fell on some david crosby sperm, you must do what is best for the kid. lie and tell them that they have a father but that he abandoned them and is now in jail. of course they might ask you when he will be out. just say never, your daddy is on death row for murder. now you're well adjusted. oh and if you hear any noises later it's just mommy and her roommate pam moving heavy furniture. but folks, with rick laying
down the truth left and right, he is bound to be misinterpreted by the lame screed media and he has come under fire for something he allegedly said in iowa. >> i don't want to make people's lives better by giving them somebody else's money. i want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money. >> stephen: now it sounds like he's saying he doesn't want to make black people's lives better by giving them somebody else's money but luckily, a rick santorum expert has studied that tape. and his conclusions have let rick santorum off the hook. jim? >> from everything i see, i've looked at it several times, i've looked at that quote. in fact i look at the video. and i don't, in fact i'm pretty confident i didn't say black. >> stephen: end of story. he's pretty confident he didn't say black. here's what he really said. >> if you look at it, what i started to say as a word and
sort of changed and it sort of blauhh and it came out and people said i said black, i didn't. he says he said blahhh and i believe him. jim? they believe him too, thank you. jim, let's take another look at the tape. >> i don't want to make blahhh-- people's lives better by giving somebody else's money. >> stephen: clearly he just started to say a word that starts with blaaaa and changed his mind it could have been anything like blaaagovovich people. or blaaader infection people. it's high time we keep those freeloaders off the cranberry juice. or blaaacula people. i'm not paying social security for eternity. besides, he doesn't need it he looks great. we all know blacula don't
cracula. the point is, rick santorum is not embracing the racial stereotype that black people are all on bell fair-- welfare. as he said, he just got a little tongue tied. who hasn't been there. you're talking a lot. giving speech after speech and you stumble over your words like a drunken irishmaaaa--people. sometimes the tongue gets lazy. probably because it's mexicaaaaa-- people. the bottom line, bottom line: don't trust what you hear in the media. we all know it's controlled by the jewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww --s. people. now that might seem anti-semitic but i'm pretty
okay, madame, you are professor of political science at tulane. you have a new show on msnbc. >> not so black history month. >> stephen: not so black history month. dow get to go beyond black history month. >> maybe into march which is women's history month. >> stephen: and you're both of those. >> both. >> stephen: i don't see race, are you an african-american. >> most days. >> stephen: most days. >> yes. >> stephen: here's my problem with talking about race. doesn't it divide us by talking about our race. >> you know, i do think that experiencing racism tends to be a worse experience than actually talking about racism. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> so as a college professor i feel like talking always brings us closer to understanding rather than dividing us. it can be tough. it can be a little nauseating. we don't always have the right volk an lear to talk across our differences but the talking is always better than the ignoring.
>> stephen: that could be a great tag line for our your show, it could be tough, a little nauseating. have a brand-new book, it's called sister citizens, shame, stereotype and black women in america. what dow mean about about shame and stereo types. what are the stereotypes are you talking about of black women in america. >> there are four that i look at. the jezebel, the hyposexual black wirj, the idea that african-american women aren't in control of their fertility, that they just have babies, by lots of different men all the time there is the mammy stereotype on display quite recently with for example the help film. >> stephen: great movie, based on a true story. go ahead. >> and then-- you through me off. >> and then there is the angry black woman, that kind of irrationally angry all the time at any moment just might stap, that one. >> stephen: yes. tell it. >> that woman. >> stephen: what is she calledanceapphire.
wow, that is sparklely. of these stereotype, jez bell, mammee or sapphire, which one are you. because i like to pigeonhole my guest as much as possible. >> well, you know, i'm actually that fourth stereotype which is the strong black woman. and in fact the strong black woman is the one that african-american ourselves created. we borrowed a little bit from a lot of these stereo types but the fact is even though we've self-created her, she can be just as painful, just as problematic, this idea that we are inherently strong, basically born with the capacity to kick adversity's butt just because we are black and women. >> stephen: that seems like a lot of burden and i know nothing about black people but if i could generalize as if i did, it seems like the woman in the black community takes the great burden for the absence of the black male. >> i think we want to be careful about, because that notion of like-- . >> stephen: i don't want to be careful about anything here. >> but black men are actually not absent in this
way. >> stephen: like-- or like the yeti. there is like history channel show like finding big foot. >> finding the black man, where was he. one there is one even living in the white house at the moment. >> stephen: i heard that, yes. so how can there be-- i don't judge, maybe he is black, maybe he's not. but if we do have an african-american president we have an african-american first lady. >> we do. >> stephen: doesn't that shatter the stereotype. >> i guess i would say that no, she doesn't senate-- shatter them but she does challenge them, at the same time that for example we're holding up the help. we have simultaneously a challenging figure in the person of michelle obama as first lady and reinforcing stereotypes. >> stephen: the help is a historical document. >> it is not. >> stephen: it is. that is how it once was. it was never. there were a simpler time. >> jim crowe was never like big fun in the kitchen. >> stephen: in some ways don't all women says ter stereotypes. >> all women face ster why types and the point isn't to
say there is no oppression olympics where things are so much worse. >> stephen: who would say if there was. who would win. >> let me just suggest this, the real point of the book isn't that there are these bad things that these other folks are doing to african-american women. the real point of the book is that it parters how we feel about ourselves. that african-american women's internal life experiences are part of the american story. so when we are listening, for example, to the gop rhetoric about this nostalgia of this america when things were simpler and better, you can never tell that story if you bother to think about african-american women's experience. because there is no moment in american history where it is nostalgic and better to have been a little black girl so we are put black women's stories at the centre of the american story and all of a sudden the american story takes on a very, very different resonance and trajectory. >> stephen: you are trying to depress me. because i think about something bad happening to a little black girl, i get very, very sad. and then i feel guilty.
>> oh. >> stephen: okay. and that is, i don't know if you are you familiar with this term, that's called the white man's burden. do you know that term. >> i do know that term. >> stephen: that's your next book, thank you so much, melissa harris-perry. the book is sister citizen. we'll be right back. took this last minute trip
>> stephen: s this's it for the report, everybody. good night. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - [sighs] oh. - now, remind me, did you just do the philadelphia cotillion, or did you also debut internationally? - i'm happy to say that i don't even get that. - how was your trip? - terrible. i had to give up my window seat to some seven-year-old who had to sit next to her precious mommy.
- what about the actual purpose of your trip? how is the search for the new cast member going? - okay. i saw a few good alternative comics in san francisco. - san francisco? i asked you to find an actor from middle america, a real person. you're not going to find him in the people's gay-public of drug-ifornia. - jeez, relax. i'm also setting up auditions in toronto. - canada? [chuckling] why not just go to iraq? the television audience doesn't want your elitist east coast, alternative, intellectual, left-wing-- - jack, just say jewish. this is taking forever. - stop trying to amuse yourself and start thinking about what makes actual human beings laugh. - who wants-- my puddings! [laughter] - now that's what i'm talking about. - what a dumb-- oh, no, he's really hurt. - hey, tracy, did you hear? fred dawkins, the incredibly overweight guy that pac-man was based on died last night. - i will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor. orange and black decorations? is this halloween or princeton parents' weekend? i don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin.
- it's halloween, sir. - proud it is. - but this "almost all saints' day" isn't gonna be much of a celebration. i just heard that world-famous clog dancer jugbert cody has gone to a better place. - he's in cabo? - no, sir. he passed away. but at least he died doing what he loved-- blogging on the huffington post. - wow. two down, one to go. - what do you mean? - the rule of threes-- celebrities always die in groups of three. you better be careful, tray. - yeah, right. that's not a real thing. [breathing rapidly] this is gonna the scariest princeton parents' weekend ever! [exciting jazz music] ♪