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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 18, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PST

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>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 12 1:00. here it is your moment of szep. >> andrew jackson had a pretty clear-cut idea about america's captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, more controversial political ads. finally, a way to show ads between my ads. (laughter) then, is god a good match maker? and if so, why can't those nuns find a nice guy? and my guest, former michigan governor jennifer granholm has a new book about america's fight for jobs. well, if she knows so much about it, why is she the former governor? (laughter) romney and gingrich are pulling ahead of rick perry in his home
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state. it is official: you can mess with texas. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: are we starting the show right now? welcome to the "report," everybody. (crowd chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) yes, yes. very good, very good. very good. but do you know my middle name? (laughter) thanks for joining us,
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everybody. folks, the south carolina g.o.p. primary campaign is in full swing. candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies, and strategically ignoring confederate flags. (laughter) but the one issue dominating the coverage is all the money in politics. now, you know how i stand on this issue. i stand on a pile of money. (laughter) i have always agreed with political pundits and boy puppet come to life george will. jim? >> do we have too much money in politics? >> i'm astonished at how little money there is in politics considering the stakes of our politics and allocating wealth and opportunity. in about four weeks, george, people will begin doing in america what they do every year-- spending about $2 billion on easter candy. >> stephen: absolutely right, sir. politics should be like easter candy. for sale everywhere you look surrounded by fake grass-roots and hidden from the little people until that special day. (laughter)
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also, really only for christians. (laughter) but ever since... ever since i gave up my superpac i have begun to question the influence of superpacs. and, folks, i'm not alone. last night the candidates squared off in myrtle beach, south carolina, which means the 2012 republican debates have now officially passed the simpsons for the most episodes in t.v. history. (laughter and applause) and, folks, these superpacs are tearing the g.o.p. apart. >> governor romney's superpac has put an ad out there suggesting that i voted to allow felons to be able to vote for prison. >> i haven't spoken with any of the people involve with my superpac in months. >> both senator santorum and i have complained about governor romney's superpac over which he apparently has no influence which makes you wonder how much influence he'd have if he were president. (cheers and applause) >> if we're talking about superpac ads that are inaccurate you have a superpac add that
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attacks me. just hold on. that attacks me. it's probably the biggest hoax since big foot. >> i said publicly it ought to be ed ted and put only the correct facts in. (laughter) >> stephen: these guys are victims getting blamed for negative superpac ads they are powerless to stop. meanwhile, why are their opponents pretending to be powerless to stop all these negative superpac ads? i know how these guys feel because last night yet another superpac ad mysteriously surfaced in the support of my exploratory bid for president of the united states of south carolina. now, i have recently learned... (cheers and applause) thank you very much. folks i have recently learned that i can't get on the primary ballot and being on the ballot... (audience reacts) i know, i know, folks. being on the ballot is one of the leading ways to gauge whether voters would vote for
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you. (laughter) but someone whose values i deeply share is on the ballot. former candidate and future "celebrity apprentice" contestant herman cain. (laughter) so last night i told my viewers that if herman cain were to do well in this saturday's primary i would interpret that as a call for me to formally declare that i am running. and then out of nowhere the definitely not coordinating with stephen colbert superpac run by my shadowy friend jon stewart ran this ad in south carolina. >> the people of south carolina are frustrated. it's less than a week before the election and there's still no candidate for us. plus, the economy. thankfully, there is one name on the ballot that stands for true american values. herman cain. americans for a better tomorrow tomorrow believe a vote for
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herman cain is a vote for america. he's not a career politician, he's such a washington outsider he's not even running for president. send them a message. on january 21, vote herman cain. (cheers and applause) americans for a better tomorrow tomorrow are responsible for the content of this advertisement. >> stephen: folks, i have no idea how they got that footage of me interviewing potential running mates. (laughter) but to some in the media this smells fishy. like former politico political columnist in and current buzz feed buzz kill ben smith who asks "stephen colbert begins taping around 7:30 p.m. and he
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details his vote cain strategy on last night's show. meanwhile the colbert superpac released a slick 60-second vote cain ad before the "the colbert report" episode even hit the air. how did both production intensive video segments get made within hours of each other without illegal coordination?" first of all, it's not the colbert superpac, it's the definitely not coordinating with stephen colbert superpac. get your names right, bill. (cheers and applause) you're right, you're right. i've checked your math and the ad did air before my show so how is that possible? well, folks, there are a cup couple possibilities. it could be that after spending so much time together at "the daily show" jon and i have developed some kind of psychic twin connection where one feels where what the other is experiencing. like luke skywalker and princess leia. i'm princess leia in this scenario. (laughter) and... (screaming)
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i'm feeling something from jon right now. no, jon! no, don't put your hand on that hot stove! (screaming) (applause) i bet that would taste great with some ranch dressing. anyway, folks, there is one other possible explanation for this mystery. jon told me what he was going to do. you see, it's perfectly legal. according to former f.e.c. chairman and my and john's lawyer trevor potter. evidently non-coordinating just means i can't help them or approve what they're doing. but i can know in advance what they've done. that's not coordinating, that's just ordinating. (laughter) information can go one way but not the other.
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it's a one-way membrane. basically a money placenta. i give him nothing and john nourishes me in a warm amniotic bath of strategy and cash until i slide out all wet and electable. (laughter and applause) all true. all true. we checked. john and i don't even need to be psychic. oh, god! i'm goting another one! (screaming) someone's tickling jon. quit it, john oliver! quit it! we'll be right back. stop tickling him! stop it!
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, they say god is love and if that's so, you and i are about to make sweet, sweet god. (laughter) this "yahweh or no way." (cheers and applause) sex and relationship edition. folks, meeting a good christian single can be hard. that's why i was intrigued by an online dating site called christianmingle.com with the tag line "find find god's match for
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you." it's a great time to find other single who like long walks o the beach where jesus is carrying them. (laughter) now, if site boasts five million members and recently launched a nationwide advertising campaign featuring couples that have met using the site. >> i definitely view christian mingle as sort of a friend just because, you know, it's like seeing someone who has other friends and christian mingle is friends with leslie and i was friends with christian mingle so a friend set me up with my wife. (laughter) >> stephen: yes. and like all true friends, there's a monthly fee of $13.99. friends v.o.a. v that, right? that's what my friends charged me back in high school. (laughter) so should got get involved in online dating? yahweh or no way?
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no way! look, folks, i'm not going to get canonized for saying this but god is a horrible match maker. i mean, just look at genesis. adam was lonely and the lord god said it is not good for the man to be alone. so what's god do? he forms all the wild animals and the birds in the skies. (laughter) yeah, adam's walking around naked and lonely so god says "here, adam, see if you can make any sparks fly with this marmoset." (laughter) didn't work out. marmoset was a biter. (audience reacts) so then god caused the man to fall into a deep sleep, took one of the man's ribs and the lord god made a woman from the rib. first of all, that's a terrible time to meet someone, right after major surgery. secondly, eve was the most high maintenance girlfriend ever. hey, i know you're tired from naming all the animals but let's have the snake over for dinner. it will be easy, he said he'll bring a fruit plate.
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okay, let's just say for example god does help you find the one. then what? you must get married, be fruitful and multiply. that means doing the dirty business. and no man of god believes in the active marital bed more than fellow shift church pastor ed young. >> i challenge you to have sex with your spouse for seven straight days beginning next sunday. >> stephen: that's right. seven days in a row with the same person. (laughter) pastor young laid it all out in a new book. (laughter) he wrote it with his wife called "sexperiment" which if done properly includes goggles and a lead apron. last week, pastor ed and his wife lisa took eir coupling crusade to a new level staging a 24-hour pro-christian sex bed-in on the roof of their church. in other words, this is the
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church... (laughter) but that's not the steeple. (laughter) (cheers and applause) lisa explained on cnn why this is so important. >> for far too long the church has been silent. it has been a taboo subject. we've heard a lot of don't, don't, don't, don't, rather than how god says to do it. >> stephen: right! after all, jesus told us to do it unto others as they would do it unto you. (laughter) in the aptly named sermon on the mount. (cheers and applause) so does god really want us to have sex for seven days in a row in yahweh or no way? no way!
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folks, even god rested on the seventh day! and who wants to have sex because their minister told them to? there's nothing less arousing than clerical permission. "ooh, baby, i'm gonna freak you all night long after i check in with pastor dave to get the thumbs up. then you won't believe where i'm going to put that thumb." (audience reacts) well, that's it for yahweh or no way. way. join us next time-- if there is how are you? we're going to head on into the interview. john, jill...mr. jacobson... what's it like driving the fusion hybrid? you can read every system that is operating by pushing a button. it's like driving a computer. what would be the hardest thing for you to give up? the miles per gallon, the fuel. when you're used to filling your car up once a week, then suddenly once every three weeks, believe me it'll be a big difference going back.
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(cheers and applause >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. our guest tonight is the former governor of the former michigan. please welcome jennifer granholm. (cheers and applause) thank you very much. governor granholm, thank you very much for coming on. looking forward to meeting you for a long time. >> well, me, too, looking forward to meeting you. >> stephen: that's understandable. thank you. now, governor, you're the former democratic governor of michigan, elected in 2002, reelected in 2006. you now teach at berklee, you will be hosting current t.v.'s upcoming show "the war room" with jennifer granholm. so we get it, you're a liberal. >> all the way. >> stephen: do you have a tattoo of michael moore riding a
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dolphin-safe tuna? how much more liberal could you get? tell me about the... your new book is call "a governor's story: the fight for job's and america's economic future." your state has had a real economic hilt. is michigan coming back now? >> it is, actually. the obama administration stepped forward to save the auto industry and as a result.... >> stephen: big government takeover. big government takeove >> smart government assistance to save the backbone of the manufacturing sector of this country, which is the auto industry. >> stephen: bailout. (laughter) >> call it what you will but i say it's jobs. >> stephen: those are job bailouts. >> well, it certainly saved jobs of a huge number of people and not just in michigan but all across the industrial midwest. >> stephen: now mitt romney says that what president obama did by bailing out these auto industries is basically what he
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was doing at bain! just going in and helping these companies recover or not recover. >> totally ridiculous. >> stephen: really. he created 120,000 jobs. >> yes, he did. >> stephen: >> what he did at bain was to try to save companies or make profits for his investors. that was the goal is to make progress. president obama's saving of the auto industry was all about saving jobs. (cheers and applause) >> you say that what michigan went through over thelast ten years was a preview of what the rest of the country is going to face now. like michigan got it first. >> right. >> stephen: why didn't you send us a message? (laughter) why didn't you send an e-mail that... it's a little late, baby. why didn't you send an e-mail that says subject: economy,
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we're screwed. (laughter) >> but here's the thing. i mean, in the past decade... so michigan lost, obviously, more manufacturing jobs, more automotive jobs than any other state because of the channels in the manufacturing sector the country has experienced. so we've seen this loss of the manufacturing jobs. the question is for our nation and your fellow republican candidates for president. >> stephen: i'm not a candidate yet, thank you. >> okay, the people in your camp. your people. what are they planning to be able to create jobs in america in a global economy? >> stephen: it's two-pronged... >> oh, i know what it is. >> stephen: no, you're going to say it's cutting taxes right? >> cutting taxes. >> stephen: that's definitely one wrong. cutting taxes is the first thing and the second one is tax cuts. (laughter) think that's a subtle difference between those two. >> and it worked well under george bush, didn't it? >> it did. we had a boom time! i make a lot more money now than george bush. i got mine, jack.
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things have been going just great. (applause) now you're... i was going to say your home state but it's not your home state. you're a tough-talking attractive capable democratic first female governor of michigan but there is a dark secret in your past that keeps you from being president. would you tell the people what it is. >> that i was on "the dating game"? >> stephen: you were on "the dating game?" (cheers and applause) i was going to... well, bachelorette number one... is does that footage exist out there? >> thank god no. i was 19. it was long ago. >> stephen: oh, we were all 19 once. i meant that you were from canada. >> i was born in canada. >> stephen: so you can't run for president. (one audience member cheers) >> we have a canadian out here. >> stephen: or a wayward moose that just got goosed by a loon.
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>> arnold schwarzenegger and i have two things in common, and that's about it. both married... both were on "the dating game." >> stephen: and you can both bench 400. >> (laughs) exactly! >> stephen: must be so. >> the second thing is we were both born outside the country. >> stephen: you were born in canada, correct? you're a maple syrup baby. you smuggled... you came in, illegal immigrant at four? >> no. >> stephen: did you have green card at four? >> i did. >> stephen: you had a green card at shower in >> yeah. >> stephen: what was your special skill? being adorable? in michigan, that is mitt romney's home state. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: he's going to take that? it's going to be a good old-fashioned... >> no! no! mitt romney came to michigan and while we were on our knees he stabbed us in the back. he wrote an op-ed in the "new york times" and the headline was "let detroit go bankrupt." >> stephen: here's why i think mitt romney is going to take michigan no matter what you say.
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because his name is the shape of your state. (laughter) bachelorette number one, thank you so much for joining us today. (cheers and applause) governor, the book is "a govern
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uh, i'm in a timeout because apparently riding the dog like it's a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment! luckily though, ya know, i conceal this bad boy underneath my blanket just so i can get on e-trade. check my investment portfolio, research stocks... wait, why are you taking... oh, i see...solitary. just a man and his thoughts. and a smartphone... with an e-trade app. ♪ nobody knows... [ male announcer ] e-trade. investing unleashed.
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(cheers and applause) well, that's it for the "report," everybody. before we, go i want to remind you that jennifer granholm's new show "the war room" debuts january 30

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