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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 19, 2012 9:30am-10:00am PST

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here it is, your moment of zen. >> if i had to vote in south carolina, i'd vote for newt. i would want this to continue, more debates and more vetting of candidates. we know the mistake made in our captioning sponsored bywas comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org. >> tonight, shocking new poll results. evidently 123% of poll numbers are inaccurate. [laughter] and major web sites go dark to try to stop a controversial law. that or i forgot to pay my comcast bill. [laughter] then my guess, conservative column fist david frum says the g.o.p. has losters way. no surprise, old men hate asking directions. [laughter] president obama will speak at disney world tomorrow. he's cutting all funding to
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space mountain. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to "the report," everybody. thank you. good to have you with us. [cheering and applause] thank you so much for joining us. everybody in here, out there, everyone in utero, who might be here any second. [laughter]
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folks, with just three days left until the big vote, all eyes are on south carolina. and so far only newt gingrich has a head big enough to block everyone's view. newton's strong performance in monday's debate has given him newt-mentum, perhaps enough to overcome his apparent good evening-nertia. he knows the stakes couldn't be higher. >> if i win the primary, i will probably be the nominee. if i don't win, we'll probably elect a moderate. >> stephen: meanwhile, mitt romney is getting hit with tough questions about his tax return. >> governor, will you release your income tax returns? >> you know, i lookedwhat has been done with campaigns in the past with senator mccain and president george w. bush and others. they've tended to release tax
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records in april or tax season, but, you know, if that's been the tradition, i'm not opposed to doing that. time will tell. i have nothing in them that suggests there's any problem, an i'm happy to do so. i sort of feel like we're showing a lot of exposure at this point, and if i become our nominee, i'm... and what's happened in history is people have released them by april of the coming year. and that's probably what i'd do. [laughter] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: so there you have it, folks. he will probably mostly mayb-ley release his tax return ms april, assuming he is finished giving that answer by then. because, folks, the next day, he still hadn't gotten to the verb. jim? >> what's the effective rate i've been paying? it's probably closer to the 15% rate than anything because my last ten years i've, uh, my income comes overwhelmingly from
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investments made in the past rather than ordinary income or rather than earned annual income, and then i get speakers fees from time to time, but not very much. >> stephen: that answer, folks, is shocking. people actually pay to hear mitt romney speak. [laughter] but as he says, they don't pay him very much, just $374,000 last year. [audience reacts] think about it, folks. if that was his entire salary, mitt's income level would drop all the way down to the top 1%. [laughter] well, i am calling for full disclosure, and not just from mitt romney. i'm calling on newt gingrich to release his tax turn, rick santorum to release his tax returns, ron paul to release the treasure map to his chest of gold. and, folks, not just... [cheering and applause] i know. not just 2011. i mean the last ten years of treasure maps.
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dead man's cove, ghost island, the crystal cave of arman rock. so clearly romney is vulnerable. gingrich is right, we conservatives need a sickle candidate who has an appeal on national level. last night public policy polling released their latest national favorability rating. evidently you got gingrich at 26%, paul at 27% and santorum at 30%, but still, mitt romney leaves them all in the dust at 35%. so, folks, i guess romney's going to be the guy who -- wait a second. wait. who is that up at the top of the poll with a 36% favorability rating? stephen colbert. [cheering and applause] whoo! boom! 36%. 3-6, 3-6. right on top. right on top.
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right here. folks, 36%. 36%. that's more than half. [laughter] so i say tonight to you, my fellow americans, to end the division in the republican party, i now call on all of the other candidates to drop out of the race. to be clear, i am not a candidate, but if all the other candidates did get out, i would see that as a strong indication that i should jump in the pool, after, you know, they shock it with chlorine, because based on his poll numbers, i'm pretty sure rick perry dropped a turd in there. [laughter] but, folks, you know how it is. this is politics. polls are so impersonal. to get the pulse of the voters, you need to be on the ground. so this past monday i participated in a town hall in myrtle beach, south carolina, sponsored by cafe mom, a social networking and blog site with a
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member base of over 1.7 million milfgs -- mothers i'd like the to focus group. the day was being moderated by political wordsmith and avid indoorsman fran luntz. i did some good old-fashioned retail politicking, just a roomful of voters and me up close and personal in a two-minute prerecorded video message, in which i introduced myself and talked about the issues that concern me, and then frank took the temperature of the room. let's see how i did. >> how many of you want him to run? applaud. [scattered applause] how many of you don't want him to run. applause. [stronger applause] >> stephen: okay. [laughter] okay. okay. okay. i've got some work to do. but, you know, who cares about getting approval from mom. [audience reacts patients
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come on, they must have had something nice to say about me. >> give me a word or phrase to describe stephen colbert. >> i think he's a dandy. >> a dandy? >> he's a charleston dandy. >> stephen: a charleston dandy? oh, oh my. oh, lord, lord have mercy. i do declare, i don't know what she is talking about, fiddle-dee-dee. is there not a gentleman in the room who can fetch me a cold glass of china berry tea. i do believe i have the vapors. i'm not hurt. in fact, and i just want to say this, and i mean this, i believe that south carolina moms are a coven of shrieking bitches. [cheering and applause] jimmy, actually, that's a little too harsh. lest edit that out for broadcast. >> will do. >> stephen: thanks. good. because, folks, the south carolina g.o.p. primary is already nasty enough.
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and i believe south carolinians want a positive race. folks, i'm happy to say the definitely-not-coordinated with stephen colbert superback owned by jon stewart agrees. last night they released this ad pleading for civility. >> you can't turn on the tv these days without seeing some negative attack ad, a super pac supporting mitt romney flooded iowa with commercials hammering newt gingrich. newton said, he wanted it to end. so the super pac backing him just dumped millions into ads attacking romney. it's enough to make you sick. [throwing up] americans for a better tomorrow tomorrow knows we deserve better. donate today. an we'll destroy both these guys and their super pacs with the mercilessed a torrent so fierce
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they'd wish they'd never been incorporated. we'll leave nothing behind. [cheering and applause] americans for a better tomorrow tomorrow were responsible for the content of this advertisement. [applause] >> stephen: powerful stuff. by the way, folks, that sausage is made of jon huntsman. of course, there is one candidate out there who has not run a single negative ad, herman cain. [laughter] a man who shares my values. that's why i've said that a vote for cain in this saturday's primary would be a strong message to me that voters want me to run. of course... [cheering and applause] thank you very much. thank you. of course, nation, if you want to give me that message directly, ladies and gentlemen, i am proud to announce that this friday i will be in charleston,
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south carolina, at the rock me like a herman cain south carolina rally with special guest herman cain. this is real. it's happening. friday at 1:00 p.m. at the cistern at the college of charleston at george street, gates open at noon. there will be speeches. there will be cheerleaders. there will be a marching band and a gospel choir. this is going to be even better than my rally in d.c. for starters, jon stewart won't be there. and i promise not to wear something that shows off so much of my swing voters. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] [cheerin]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation, you may have noticed today that some of your favorite web sites like wikipedia, reddit and boing-boing have all gone dark, which means internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning, that's the sky. [laughter] if you're still confused, look it up on wikipedia tomorrow. these sites are gone dark today to protest the stop online piracy act and the protect intellectual property act or sopa and pipa, two bills which could change the internet forever. >> it's a proposed bill that aims to crack down on copyright infringement, but sopa would also restrict access to entire web sites that host even one piece of content obtained without permission. >> don't worry, tmz is safe. they are free of content.
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now, taking wikipedia down may be a flashy protest, but it hasn't affected me in the least because i'm something of an encyclopedia originalist. a couple times a month i have wikipedia printed out and bound. this is volume 5,470, star trek yeoman rangd through yeoman smith, b. folks, while i am no fan of internet censorship, we must put an end to all of this copyright infringement. con tetd providers like me are getting robbed by people posting pirate bootleg videos like this. [laughter] i was not paid for any of that footage. as far as i'm concerned, that dog should get the chair, or possibly the couch. i will not stand for these sites
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going on strike. i say the internet has too much control over what's on the web. that ends tonight. i can provide anything that the internet gives you. for instance, you miss read it today. no problem. got that covered. here is a picture of a cat playing xbox against richard dawkins wearing yoda ears. karma points, please. and for those who like boing-boing, no problem. here is the new domino's stuffed cheesy bread commercial set to the imperial march from star wars. [imperial march playing] >> i find your lack of cheese disturbing. [applause] >> stephen: finally, for ipad users, i have something for you, too. [laughter and applause] we'll be right back. >> stephen: welcome back,
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everybody. my guest tonight says that romney is the hope of the republican party. that's funny, because he's also the hope of the obama campaign. please welcome david frum. [cheering and applause] thank you very much. hey mr. frum. david, good to see you again. thanks for coming back. >> thank you. >> stephen: all right, all right. you are no stranger to this show. you know i'm going to bring it hot and hard, and you know i got some problems with the things
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you're saying right now. >> i'm ready for it. >> stephen: back in november you wrote a little article for "new york" magazine that said, "when did the g.o.p. lose touch with reality." >> yes. >> stephen: okay. first of all, why is it a bad thing to lose touch with reality? have you seen reality lately? it's terrible. >> it's pretty bad. and a lot of people are suffering pretty badly. and what happens in a democracy is parties should be competing to offer solutions to the problems that people have. >> stephen: they are. they are. the republicans are competing to see who can do the biggest tax cut. >> workable solutions that deliver real benefits for as many people as possible. >> stephen: that was back in november that in this "new york" magazine you said, "has the republican party lost touch with reality." now you think that they have gotten back in touch with reality. why? based on what evidence do you see that? >> well, i'm not making such a big claim. the claim i'm making is, look, we need a republican party that's economically inclusive,
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environmentally responsible, socially modern and that can compete effectively for the votes of everybody. >> stephen: i disagree with everything you just said. if you think romney is that guy. >> the first time i ever saw mitt romney was in person was in the summer of 2006. he was talking the a small group about the health care plan he brought to massachusetts. and one of the things i have become a huge believer in is the importance of administrative skill, executive ability. he knew his brief. he knew his materialment he talked about how he used private sector competition to bring universal health care coverage to a state where 6% to 10% of the population was uninsured. that was real achievement. i thought that guy could really run an organization. >> but this thing is the same thing he's running away from so fast as if there's a rabid tiger on his tail. do you think the things he's saying now are not what he means or are the things that you heard him talk about in 2006 not what
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he means because "you can quotee romney. i don't know which one you like? >> i think he's the person who is his father's son. his father is one of the great... >> >> stephen: i certainly hope so. that would be a terrible scandal if he is not. and i think that's offensive to even bring up that issue. but go ahead. >> one of the great inclusive republicans of the 20th century and man who... >> what about the guy who says obama is a socialist and willing to raise his hands over not sure about evolution? i like that guy. that doesn't seem to be the guy you think he is. >> i don't like any of that. and that's the only part i like. but, you know, you can't ask these guys to be martyrs that. is a... we have a crisis in the republican party of followership, of people who are willing of what you have to do to compete and run in this modern country. the republicans i think did not understand enough what happened in 2006 and 2008, and they
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overinterpret what happened in 2010. >> stephen: talk about 2010, tea party. do you think, and listen, i want the republicans to win. i just think we need a staunch conservative to do it because the tea party gave all that fuel to the republicans two years ago. how can romney appeal to the tea party? as a mormon, i'm not sure he's allowed to drink tea or party. [applause] [cheering] >> if we could arrange it so that in 2012 only 40% of the american people came out to vote and a quarter of them were over the age of 65... >> stephen: the republicans are working on it. >> then the tea party idea might work. this is a country full of young people. this is a country full of people worried more about unemployment than protecting their personal medicare. one thing i worry about a lot is you have to have a republican policy that is more than a going-out-of-business sale for the baby boom generation. >> stephen: if romney wins on
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saturday, should newton and ron paul an perry and santorum get out of the race? >> they're going to have to very soon because the money will dry up. >> stephen: for the good of the party? >> i think in some ways debates are good. >> stephen: yes or no, should they get out? >> i think that i would like to see this over as rapidly as possible and allow romney to start competing for the votes of the american public as a whole and not just to the small part of it that takes part in republican primaries. >> what about third-party candidates? in the same poll, in a three-way race, i would get 13% running as an independent. [cheering and applause] >> i've been thinking a lot about your speech at the tampa convention. >> i have, too. >> and i think... >> stephen: i think they owe me at this point at least like a 3:00 a.m. spot. >> you've locked down the republican base. i think we need to broaden your appeal to moderates and
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independents. >> stephen: should i just pretend i believe things i don't so i can win like romney? [cheering and applause] >> don't you do that every night? don't you do that every night? >> stephen: i believe every word i scream down that pipe. david, thank you so much for joining me. from the dail beat and "newsweek." david frum. we'll be right back. thank
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like so many great pioneers before me, guided only by a dream. i'm embarking on a journey of epic proportion. i will travel, from sea to shining sea, through amber waves of grain, and i won't stop until i've helped every driver in america save hundreds on car insurance. well i'm out of the parking lot. that's a good start. geico, fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent, or more on car insurance.
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everybody. before we go, i just want to remind you to join me and herman cain this friday at 1:00 p.m. at the cistern at the college of charleston in south carolina. for our rally. now, any students of the college who may have to skip a lecture to make it, but you'll learn something they can't teach you in class: going to class is for suckers. see you there. good night,

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