tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central February 21, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PST
>> stephen: tonight, my super pac is under attack from congress. if i can hold on for just four more days, their work year will be over. (laughter) then, a new sport takes america by storm and it will be really popular once an asian guy is good at it. (laughter) and my guest, robert kagan, advises romney on foreign policy. he helps mitt remember which countries he has bank accounts in. (laughter) it's fat tuesday-- or, as americans call it, tuesday. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. khrapb(crowd chanting "stephen". (cheers and applause) thank you! thank you stpwh-frpblgt thank you so much. you know, folks, folks, when you are chanting my name like that, you make me feel like dorothy in munchkinland. (laughter) nation, i know america has taken some licks. but despite president obama's best efforts to keep us down, we are now officially back on top, baby! doing what we do best-- punching
european royalty. (laughter) jim? >> the prince of monocorps was briefly hospitalized after a brawl at a new york city nightclub. he and his playboy pals apparently got a beatdown at a club in the meat packing district on saturday. >> stephen: boom! that is right! pretty boy, his highness, got meat-packed. (laughter) prince creme brawl-ee, here, of monaco, made the mistake of getting in the face of all-american superdouche adam hock seen here resting his prince pounder in a smacking sling. (laughter) hock is the former owner of hawaiian tropic zone. the man is a national treasure, a pioneer in the field of sun block related restaurants. (laughter) this was your classic showdown of moneyed foreign playboy versus bikini restaurant owner and mr. hock had no choice but
to respond after the prince of monaco and his court crossed a line by helping themselves to hock's $500 table service bottle of grey goose vodka. for those of you who aren't familiar with the new york club scene, let a playa explain to you... (laughter). ... how a bottle of vodka you get in the store for $35 can cost $500. you see, they bring it to your table and it costs $500. (laughter) bottom line is, hock won, okay? hock won! our douchebag beat up their douchebag. douche.s.a. douches.a.! yes! thank you, findless mob. (laughter) we have once again proven that america has the finest douchebags in the world.
(cheers and applause) you know why? because our douchebags don't inherit their douchebaggery. it's not just handed to them! they earn every ounce of the douche! (laughter) which is why mr. hock didn't just crown the prince, he also decked his three privileged pals. that's right, he flushed the royal entourage including paris hilton's ex-boyfriend stavros niarchos, seen here showing why greece has collapsed. (laughter) scenester diego marroquin and-- i'm going to say turtle. (laughter) so take notice, entitled monarchies: america is back in fighting form! you mess with us, we're gonna make you black and blue bloods. unless, of course, you are a saudi prince, in which case the vodka is comped, gentlemen, please enjoy our daughters responsibly.
(laughter) folks... (audience reacts) folks, it seems these days everyone is talking about super pac which, thanks to the supreme court's citizens united ruling, can collect and spend unlimited money on political advertising. and when other people cover the super pac story that offends me. because i have owned this story since last june when i formed colbert super pac with one simple yet noble goal: to raise massive amounts of money. and i did it. (cheers and applause) thank you. (cheers and applause) folks, now it seems like everybody's riding my wallet-tails. at last count, more than 320 super pacs have registered with the f.e.c. it's no surprise they're copying me, folks, i have always been a trendsetter, ever since i single-handedly popularized the
bell bottom crotch. (laughter) let's 'em drop. keeps 'em warm when they're swinging. (laughter) but, of course, when you're king (bleep) on money turd mountain everybody's gunning for you. like my guest tomorrow house minority leader and glass eye supermodel nancy pelosi. (laughter) she just released this ad attacking me. >> stephen colbert used to be my friend, but since the day he started his super pac taking secret money from special interests, he's been out of control. even using his super pac to attack my friend newt gingrich. (laughter) if that weren't enough, i hear he doesn't even like kittens. (laughter) join me in stopping colbert and creating a new politics free of special interest money. the first step is passing the disclose act. learn more at facebook.com/stopcolbert.
(boos). >> stephen: that's right, nancy pelosi... boo! a little late on that. nancy pelosi attacked me with the two most powerful weapons imaginable-- a flip camera and an eight-year-old niece with i-movie. (laughter) but, folks, what stings is pelosi's charge that i don't like kittens. really? would someone who doesn't like kittens have one in each hand. (cheers and applause) and, folks, these... (audience reacts) these are no mere props purchased right before the show. (laughter) these are my beloved pets whiskers and... and other whiskers. (laughter) i love these two little kittens and i will continue to do so until the moment they become cats. (laughter) go down there. go down there, there you go. (cheers and applause)
now nancy pelosi... (laughter). nancy pelosi is smearing me and my super pac just so she can push shadowy legislation called "the disclose act" which would force helpless super pacs like mine to reveal their top five donors in each ad. five? that's impossible! i mean, newt's pac only has one donor. take away sheldon adelson and the pro-gingrich "winning our future" pac is just a federally registered lemonade stand. but if pelosi really wants disclosure, she should get help from her anti-super pac buddy president obama. after all, in his 2010 state of the union address he tongue-lashed the supreme court over citizens united and doubled down before this year's super bowl. >> one of the worries we have, obviously, in the next campaign
is that there are so many of these so-called super pacs, there's going to be a lot of money floating around and i guarantee you a bunch of that's going to be negative. but it's not going to be enough just to say "the other guy's a bum." >> stephen: he's right. it's not enough to say the other guy's a bum. you have to destroy your opponent with a mountain of ads depicting him as a shady drifter riding the rails, burning the constitution in trash fires for warmth and leaving in his wake a trail of dead prostitutes. (laughter) that costs serious money. now, that anti-super pac j.d. there was on super bowl sunday. this is 12 hours later. >> for the first time president obama's reelection campaign began asking major contributors to give money to a super pac that supports the president. >> stephen: boy, he must have lost a ton of money on the patriots. (laughter) but the president had a very good explanation for this
complete 180. >> you changed your mind on super pacs. it used to be morally wrong and now you're going to take the money. >> i still think the citizens united decision made by the supreme court was the wrong decision. what i've said consistently is we're not going to just unilaterally disarm. >> stephen: yes! no matter how morally wrong you believe a system is, you have to use it in order to defeat it! it's like how lincoln won the civil war by buying a bunch of slaves. (laughter) and, folks, obama is going to need that money in order to fight the $100 million the koch brothers and friends pledged to defeat obama. including $40 million from charles and $20 million from david. because everyone knows david's the cheap one. (laughter) when the check comes for overthrowing the government, he's always in the bathroom. (laughter) so in light of mr. small donor's reversal on super pacs, i have just one thing to say.
(laughter) welcome, young pac-walker. feel the power of the green side. embrace your destiny. join me and together we will rule the galaxy! for four years, after that it will be somebody else, maybe hillary. but in the meantime, the galaxy! you are now darth darth-bama! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back! (screaming)
(cheers and applause) well. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you. nation, folks, i don't know about you because i feel naked without my taser. (laughter) which is ironic because it's usually when i'm naked that i get tased. once again, my apologies to doris kearns goodwin and everyone at the book signing. (laughter) so it's time for another installment of my award winning segment "current events." (applause) ♪ shock the monkey... >> don't tase me bro! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: tonight, the lighter side of tasing. (laughter) folks, someone has finally answered the question that runs
through all of our minds when we see a taser victim writhing on the ground in excruciating pain: why isn't this a sport? (laughter) well, it is now. this is ultimate taser ball. jim? (audience reacts) >> you've got to not be scared, man. when you get that ball you know you're going to get tased and if you can run through the tase, you'll always succeed. >> running somebody, while tasing. >> stephen: yes, ultimate taser ball has done the unimaginable: they have made soccer interesting. (laughter) remember, folks... (cheers and applause) remember, this is ultimate taser ball, not regular taser ball. (laughter) the noncompetitive game of teenagers tasing their testicles in a parking lot.
jim? (audience reacts) (bleep) ♪ i believe that children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way ♪ (laughter) >> stephen: now, ultimate taser ball is the future of sport and here's how it works: the object of the game is to put a giant oversized soccer ball into the other team's net without being tased. then, to determine the final score, you take the number of goals minus the number of tongues bitten off. (laughter) then afterwards, everyone hits the showers with a toaster. (laughter) don't worry, it's completely safe, as explained by the inventor of ultimate taser ball, leif kellenberger. >> we only use five to eight milliamps. it doesn't affect your vital or your heart. any of your vital organs or your heart and it won't affect you long-term. >> stephen: you know you can
trust the medical of a guy who doesn't include "heart" in the vital organs. (laughter) take it or leave it. ultimate taser ball is a dream come true for fans who love the n.f.l. but want to watch something slightly less violent. nation, i pray that the u-t.v. concept catches on so we can see more hybrids between sports and nonlethal weapons. like rubber bullet basketball. police dog tennis and pepper pray scrabble. (cheers and applause) well, that's it for this edition of "current events." before we go, this week's rapous tase goes to north carolina's cumberland continuer sheriff's office for tase ago woman who cut in line and blocked a mcdonald's drive through. the officers gave her a zappy male with a side of fries.
hey mr. kagan! thanks for coming on. >> thank you. >> stephen: man, i am so happy that you're on this show because you're a neocon, righting? >> i guess, that's what they tell me. >> stephen: that's what they told me about you, too. >> okay. >> stephen: i miss you guys because back in the early... the early 2000s during the bush administration you guys were like the cabbage patch kids, the tickle me elmo. everyone had to have a neocon on their team. it's like talking to a collector's item now. >> thank you. thank you. >> stephen: you're a whole bunch of different things. you're senior fellow at the brookings institution, a "washington post" columnist in. i'm surprisedded that liberal rag lets you write over there. you're a foreign policy advisor to mitt romney. is that as sexy as it sounds? (laughter) >> i'm very honored to be able to work and help the governor any way i can. >> stephen: you're one of 24 guys advising him on foreign policy. >> at least. >> stephen: but you're the best one, right?
>> i'm sure that's not the case, no. >> stephen: come on! come on! all right you've got a book called "the world america made." what is the world america made? >> well, it's the world order that was the united states with its influence after world war ii created. it's a liberal international economic order of free and open markets. it's a world increasingly democratic. before worl world war i there an democracies in the world. today there are 115. >> stephen: we did that. >> we did do that. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: applauding for the united states. nice thing to do. now there were ten democracies before the war, there are 115 now. do we get a piece of that action? (laughter) because royalties or anything? because it's our idea. >> we directly benefit from it. there's no question that we are a great beneficiary of it. we don't have to worry about going to war with democracies, democracies are close allies, they share our values and they are generally very successful economically and help us in that
regard. >> stephen: you were in favor of the war in iraq, right? >> i was, as were many people. >> stephen: right up here, ban by doll. how about iran? do we go in there or let the israelis hand that will one? >> well, i don't want to let the israelis handle that. i don't think they have the capacity to do it. >> stephen: do not count out my jewish friends. (laughter) they are very carable people. do not cross them. >> okay, well, they have limited military capacity to do that particular job. but i think right now iran is isolated. >> stephen: we've got to use our military power to keep them from getting a bomb. yes or no? >> i think it could welcome to come to that. >> stephen: could well? grow a pair! >> (laughs). >> stephen: do we go in? this ain't tiddledy winks, this is nuclear tiddledy winks. >> i would like to see if the sanctions will work in gets them to change their minds before we arrive at that decision. it's a very complicated affair. >> stephen: we can't have nuclear weapons in the middle east, right? >> well, there are nuclear weapons in the middle east. >> stephen: no there are not.
where? >> well, i'm told that israel has... >> stephen: shh! i can nay! on the omb-ay. that's the only hebrew i know. >> impressive. >> stephen: is the youth of military power in an elected way, is that a foreign policy tool or is that a foreign policy failure? >> sometimes it's a failure and sometimes it's a tool. i think when we're dealing with will it's qaddafi, the that president obama decided to use military force to destroy qaddafi because he was about to kill tens of thousands if not more people. >> stephen: you're not giving credit to obama for anything very r you? >> i do. >> stephen: how can you advise romney and like anything obama did? (laughter) >> i think when the president does the right thing it doesn't matter what party you're in. >> stephen: but the president has done nothing right in
foreign policy, okay? (laughter) bin laden? doesn't count. (laughter) killing al-awlaki doesn't count. qaddafi doesn't count. supporting the arab spring doesn't count. so what else has he done. (laughter) >> he's done some things wrong h. he has a good policy in area, particularly in dealing with china. i think he's strengthened our position in asia with our allies. on some issues he's been a lot weaker. on iran i think he will be judged ultimately by what happens with iran. >> stephen: what do you think is going to happen between the united states and monomonaco now? >> after the beatdown? >> after the beat done that hock gave to princess what's his pants. (laughter) >> this is one of the great things about being a strong power. i don't know what monaco can do about it. >> stephen: do they have nukes? >> not that they've acknowledged. >> stephen: much like israel. (laughter) well, thank you so much. robert kagan. (cheers and applause) the book is "the world america