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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 30, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PDT

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>> jon: that's our show. there is, your moment of zen. >> let's just give congress a clean slate f it's so easy to have that other big volume get ren enacted they can do it in a couple of days t won't be a big deal. if it's not, because it's
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>> stephen: tonight should college students be political players? why not, they're already having sex with interns. then mitt romney proves he's just like average americans by also not being that excited by mitt romney. and my guest peter beinart has a new book about the future of israel. yarmulke jet pack. atlantic city has a new slogan, do ac. meanwhile anderson cooper has a new slogan. what are you doing, get off me. there is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) .
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>> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. how wonderful. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steve be en, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. thank you so much. i am not surprised. i have to tell you, folks, i am not surprised by the people in this room. excited. >> thank you so much. folks, i hope, i certainly hope like me you've got lotto fever. i've actually got lotto rash. but to say i'm doing a lot of scratchoffs. and tomorrow, folks s the drawing for the megamillions lottery. $540 million. now to put that into-- to put that into perspective, if you laid 540 million
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dollar bills end-to-end you would regret it because people would definitely just come and take it. (laughter) and folks, i have got to tell you, i got the winner. right here. went with my old standby, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, okay. same as my bank pin. you know what jimmy, let's edit that out. okay, thanks. now i'm sure i am going to win because i picked these numbers with the help of the investigative journalist over at abc news. on tuesday gma blew the lid off the science behind winning the lotto with the help of renowned lotto theorist itched lust lustig. >> we went to richard lustig who wrote the book on winning after the hitting the jackpot himself seven times. he says first do your
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homework. >> making sure the set or sets of numbers you play have never come up before. >> stephen: very important. numbers that win never win again. so don't play these numbers or any combination of these numbers, all right. you want to think outside the box. all right? instead, instead of these losers try the square root of 2, pi, trheven and while this is a made up number t has never won which means it's due. but abc news dug deeper. >> don't leave it to the machine. pick your own numbers. >> do not play quick pick. >> yes, a computer is just going to give you random numbers. but you have a random system. plus if you let the machine pick and you win legally you have to split your winnings
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with it. and you know he's just going to blow it on hookers and coke. so obviously this guy knows what he is talking about. but he's not the only one with a random chance at vice book. you want to buy my best-seller stephen colbert's how to win a coin toss every time. (laughter) this book, this book has been the winning ingredient in two of the last ten superboums. here's the secret. a coin has two sides. always pick heads if it's a president's head. never bet on sacajawea. the indian's lost the whole continent. they're to the going to win a coin toss. and obviously now, obviously i'm talking about american coins only. not canadian. they're metric. not sure how many sides they have. anyway, the point is, call
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me abc news. heads. (cheers and applause) >> and folks, random luck doesn't have anything to do with politics either. if you want to win, you've got to have a super pac. take the wisconsin primary next tuesday. do you think wisconsinites would like rick santorum given that he is a wheel of colby cheese. not that sharp and holier than thou. (applause) but in recent polls santorum is eight points behind mitt romney in part because romney and his super pac are outspending rick santorum 50 to 1. 50 to 1. also, the ratio of wives romney's great grandfather had. (laughter) that's why i am so glad i have colbert super pac. you know--
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(cheers and applause) it is-- come on. you know our motto. making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. and one of those two tomorrows may be any day now. because my super pac is having a superimpact. according to the "houston chronicle", more texans have donated to americans for a better tomorrow tomorrow than to the pro romney super pac restore our future. (cheers and applause) martial, do you hear that romney? put that in your pipe and don't smoke it because tobacco is strictly forbidden by your religion. apparently more texans respond to my message corporations are people than romney's message m itt is a
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person. and according to none other than the congressional newspaper the hill, a super pac craze is sweeping the nation. and the explosion of super pacs is lightly being fueled by a surge of media interests because stephen colbert has brought the issue to late-night television. (cheers and applause) >> yes, hell yes! once again, once again, folk, of course the liberal media missed the whole story. i have also brought the issue to midmorning repeat television so folks considering my influence it is no surprise at all that i got this actual e-mail from someone named paul benefiel, a student at the university of texas at austin. the fighting only part of texas's liberal. he writes, quote, after conversing with my peers i've had an overwhelming urge to start a colbert super pac organization at my
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school. we would hold meetings, gather e-mails and hold talks with other police call organization meetings. wait a second, gather e-mails and hold organizational meetings? calm down, party animal. your parents sent there you there to study. so what do you think, audience? (cheers and applause) should i give my blessing to college students to set up super pac extending the reach of my political-- across the campuses of america? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right, all right. i will assume that your unintelligible chics are a yes. i'm going to do it. so mr. benefiel, your organization will now be known as texans for a better tomorrow tomorrow. and my again ross sit not limited to ut austin. i want every college across this great nation to have their own my super pac.
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(laughter) and they can have it too, thanks to the colbert super pac superfun pack. a do it yourself super pac kit that you can order. all you need say burning desire for civil engagement and $99. the superfun pack comes with all the necessary legal documents to create your own super pac which is one. now sure this document is available on the internet for free but do you really want your loved ones seeing the federal election commission web site in your browser history? awkward. plus you get a simple instruction manual right there, there you go. from my lawyer trevor potter. now this is not constitute legal advice but if you follow it closely, you will build a powerful super pac or if you mix up the steps
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and ekby jarpen shelf system, it also comes with an allen wrench. you'll also receive our official colbert super pac turtles don't like peanut butter t-shirt. so you can say i influenced the 2012 presidential election and all i got was this lousy t-shirt. you'll also get this dorm room door sign that read does not enter, official super pac business in progress. and on the back it says ifs super pac is caucusing, don't bother knockusing. you'll also get a pair of official colbert super pac tube socks, okay. now your super pac can take unlimited donations but your tube socks can only take limited washings.
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once. supercheap. okay. and to kick off your fund-raising, i have included the forbes list of the 400 richest americans. start calling and remember, a restraining order means you've got the right number. and-- (cheers and applause) >> most importantly, every colbert super pac fun pack comes with an actual treasure map. and the first person to find the treasure wins a free appearance by me at your college. and i want to get this out there because there's no confusion, i call top budget. plus we will have much, much more in here. so go to colbert super and donate $99 to get your colbert super pac fun bag. and before you know it, i will be taking no personal or legal responsibility for anything you do. i don't know who you are.
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i don't have a super pac or a tv show, and my name is veraldo jivera. (applause) >> stephen: we'll be rate back. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. nation, this entire campaign people have dismissed mitt romney as an out of touch superwealthy 1%er who can't connect with the average american. but he puts his pants on like everybody else. one leg at a time, right after consulting with a pant strategist. but mitt has finally found a way to comment to the common man. humor. on a recent conference call with wisconsin supporters, he trotted out a favorite shaggy dog story and this time it doesn't involve strapping the shaggy dog to the roof of his car. jim? >> you may remember that my father george romney was
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president of an automobile company called american motors. and they had a factory in michigan. he decided to close the victory in michigan and move all the production to wisconsin. now later he decided to run for governor of michigan. and i recall at one parade where he was going down the streets. he was lead by a band, that did not know how to play the michigan fight song it only knew how to play the wisconsin fight song. so every time they would start playing on wisconsin, on wisconsin, my dad's political people would jump up and down trying to get them to stop because they didn't want people in michigan to be reminded that my dad had moved production to wisconsin. >> stephen: good stuff. it's like he's on the blue collar comedy store, if the comedy was about losing blue collar jobs. i say mitt should skip the stump speeches and do a tight 15 at the last factory right before shutting it down and moving production overseas. in fact, i am so excited
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that even though minot a comedian, i am going to give you some free material. let's do it. all right? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, thank you so much. hello. hello, palm 3w5e67. who here is rich, who here is rich? all right, good crowd. dow ever notice, you ever notice how white people and black people are different. you all ever notice that? yeah, like, like when you fire a white guy, he's all like, he's all like this he's all like-- what? i have been working here for 18 years. i have three kids. it's a week before christmas. what in i going to do? but when you fire a black guy, he's all like what?
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i've been here for 18 years. i have three kids. it's a week before kwanza, what am i going do? right? am i right about that one? that go i guy knows what he he's talk what i'm talking about. anyway, that's my time, hip tip your waitress. i hear they use it for food. what's up with that we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight writes about israeli affairs for the daily beast which syronic because i believe the daily beast is iran's name for israel. please welcome peter beinart. (cheers and applause) thank you so much for coming on. good to see you again. thanks for coming by. >> thank you. >> stephen: su have a very impressive cv, are you the professor of-- you also write for senior political writer for the daily beast and you have the blog open zyon. and you have a new book called the crisis of zionism.
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what crisis is there in zionism? >> this land is mine, god gaves this land to me. what part of that is a crisis? >> the crisis is the people who create the state of israel believe it had to be a democracy. they believed it had to be a country three areas after the holocaust that was going to treat other people justly and learn the lessons that europe had not learned when the jews lived in europe. the declaration of independence promise its complete equality of social and political rights irrespective race, religion and sex that is zionism, and that is in peril today. >> you would agree that our friend in the middle east there is no great friend than the state of israel than yours truly. the only democracy in the region that we did not have to establish by invading someplace. so you agree that we have to stand by our friends. >> absolutely. >> they are our friends. >> absolutely. >> they are just a friend who happens to talk [bleep] about their-- and we have to get their back. >> what makes israel our
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friend fundamentally is that israel shares our democratic values. and we have to make sure that israel can continue to do that and that's in danger because israel controls a lot of territory where people who are not jewish, palestinians don't have the right to vote. >> talking about the west bank. >> watch your step. are you talking about the west bank. >> yes. >> stephen: okay that is land that they won. and it's finders keepers, losers-- have a protracted guerrilla war that makes everyone in the region weepers. (laughter) >> but winning land doesn't make you stronger when you can't give the right to vote and citizenship to the people on that land. >> stephen: they are not citizens. >> that's right'ses that eat problem. they don't have the basic rights enschryned in israel's declaration of independence which is why they need their own state where they have dignity in their own country. otherwise they will hate israel and make israel less safe. >> stephen: so what is your answer. you are an editorial calling for boycott, selective boycott of one part of
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israel. you say there is the democratic israel and nondemocratic israel. what is the difference there. >> the difference is that in one part of israel, israel's original boundaries all people have the right to citizenship and the right to vote. that's what makes israel precious to me. that is yes love israel. but in the west bank that's not true. and so we have to draw a distinction between the way we treat that part of israel that lives up to israel's founding ideals or tries at least, and that part which threatens israel's founding ideals. >> stephen: how do you boycott just the west bank. how i do go to the store and boycott just part of a country. i mean how, how well i do have to get to know my hummus? >> maybe that's where the good hummus comes from. maybe the oppression is what gives it the taste. >> i think that what we have to do as much as possible is distinguish between the west bank and democratic israel. because the west bank, israel's control over it threatens israel's future as a democratic jewish state that i want to pass on to my children. >> stephen: why don't we just take the people who you
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say don't have the rights that are in the nondemocratic part of israel and just put them in the democratic part, and then everybody has got democracy. nobel prize please. can they not go. can the palestinians not go into the rest of israel? >> no, if we want israel to remain a jewish state, and i believe that given our history we have the right to a jewish state, then the best answer is palestinians have their own state in the west bank. >> stephen: and that sounds like a fine plan. how do you do that if the west bank without giving up any land. >> i think you have to give up land. >> stephen: that's not my question. how do you do it without giving up any land because that is the betrayal of the state of israel ooferment's not even jewish and i'm angry. i'm a christian. we christians know ask pat robertson. you guys have to keep all the west bank or else no rapture, jesus don't come back. >> you can also read exodus,
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we read it to say we remember the heart of the stranger because we were strangers in the land of egypt. and we don't want to treat the strangers amongst us in a way that violates our own ethical traditions. >> stephen: you think this whole problem to could get better if the palestinian was give some sort of goodwill gesture, something small like recognizing 9 right of israel to exist. >> absolutely. some palestinians have done exactly that. not enough, more should, but the question is how do we strengthen those who have, and the only way we strengthen them is by giving them the pont of their own state. >> stephen: i'm glad that you and i in six and a half minutes were able to fix this whole middle east thing. mr. beinart, thank you very much for coming on. peter beinart, the book is the crisis of zionism.
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