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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 3, 2012 10:00am-10:30am PDT

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>> stephen: tonight, trouble in the beef industry. the mortality rate among the seers is frightening. then the pope pays a visit to cuba. i bet he's scouting short sforps the cardinals. and my guest governor gary johnson was a republican candidate and is now a libertarian candidate. next manchurian candidate. (laughter) the himalayas will stop growing in 20 million years
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but until then, we still have to buy them new sneakers every six months. this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everyone. >> steve be, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen stephen! >> stephen: thank you, everybody. >> useful energy. i have always said america's colleges aren't are an incubator of imaginative ideas. for instance, many students imagined that college will
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help them get a job. (laughter) >> well, last thursday i told you about a university of texas student who proposed a bold new idea, college students forming their own super pac in the image of colbert super pac. you know our motto, making a better tomorrow tomorrow. not bad. so not to be outgoldened, i introduced an even bolder new idea, the colbert super pac superfun pack. now if you did not catch the show last thursday, no doubt you are thinking just one thing. >> was's in the box. what's in the [bleep] box! (laughter) >> stephen: we were, we were going to include gwyneth paltrow's head, but we lost it. thanks united airlines. oh, gate check it.
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it will be perfectly safe. now since then, this limited edition kit has been ordered by nearly 400 college students who will soon be starting super pacs at their college, university or correctional facility. this kit includes step-by-step filing instructions from my lawyer trevor potter. it also includes this turtle don't like me nult butter t-shirt and much, much more all contained in this commemorative cardboard box suitable for recycling. but order now and will you also receive this actual secret decoder ring, supersecret pac messages. what messages? well, that's for me to know and for you to karf fraglezox.
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now will you, you will need this thing to solve the fun pack's actual treasure map leading you to an actual treasure. treasure map's in the box. whoever finds the treasure will receive a visit to the american university of their choice from the actual stephen colbert. not the venezuelan knockoff i sent to mall opens and congressional hearings. of course-- (applause) (cheers and applause) as the leader of the super pac, you'll need strategic political advice, the kind i get from ham rove. he has all the brains of karl rove, with half the sodium. so in each and every kit i am including ham rove protege, hamlet rove, okay. this is an actual one pound
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canned ham who will advice you right up until the election or until you get the munchies at 2 a.m. so go to colbert super pac.com and begin taking wads of money from trusting people without promising any results. just like your college does. (cheers and applause) >> everybody knows liberals have a long history of slandering good american industries with hurtful names. sure these days everybody hates air pollution. but when i was a kid, we celebrated it as bonus clouds. well, now the anti-business word wizards have a beef with beef. >> a whistle-blower has come forward to tell consumers about the ground beef a lot of us buy at the supermarket. is it what we think it is or is it pattedded with the filler the whistle-blower
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calls pink slime. >> stephen: oh, pink slime is bad, but green slime is good enough to dump on our children. folks, pink slime is nothing more than good old beef mixed with some not so good older beef. here's the i want to say recipe. >> beef products inc. today allowed me to see first the beef craft at-- grafts that go up a conveyer belt and the huge centrifuges that spin it around separating the fat from the rest, and then ripped with ammonia gas and frozen and sent all over the country added to america's fast food, school lunches and 70% of all ground beef sold at grocery stores. >> but that's not the whole story. some of it is also poured into a glove to form the hamburger helper. i say far from a chemical soaked reconstituted hoove and organ slurry, pink slime is actually a delicious wholesome meal you'd want to
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share with a friend. specifically your best friend because up until 2001 it was used only in dog food, which begs the question, what are we feeding our dogs now and when do i get to eat it. (applause) >> stephen: folks-- yeah, dog food. but for some reason the term pink slime has up set consumers and three plants that produce pink slime have suspended operations after grocery chains like safeway, kroger and bjs announced they would no longer stock meat containing it. but just when things lack darkest the-- the road in, i'm talking about the beef steak governors, america's meat men. rick perry, harry brantad, sam brownback. yah! incidentally pink slime may
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contain traces of brownback. last week these men road to the rescue touring the last operating pink slime plant and pledging support for this embattled industry. >> it's time to end the smear campaign. >> yes, it's time to end the smear campaign. though full disclosure pink slime may also contain traces of smear. the beefy three believe the term pink slime is an offensive slur against slurry. because it already has a lovely name. >> the real name of the product is lean finally textured beef. it's called lftb. >> stephen: yes, lftb because our beef now has so many here moans it's a member of the transgender community. that's why-- (applause) that's why the beef state gov came up with a catchy
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new slogan. dude, it's beef. (laughter) >> stephen: nailed it! unless of course there is an accident at the processing plant, in which case beef is dude. but governor perry said one thing i disagree with. >> let's call this product what it is. and let's pink slime become a term of the past. >> stephen: i'm sorry, governor, the term pink slime is now engrained in the public's mind. plus the harvard cool school of public health says eating any amount or type of red meat significantly increases the risk of premature death. so red meat's got a bad name. but i don't see anything in the report about pink slime so we must reclaim that term the way the gays reclaim the word year. say it now and say it proud.
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we're here, it's sear, technically. embrace the name. forget dude it's beef. from now on, bro, it's slime. (cheers and applause) we'll be right back. 1-800-contacts is so easy, you'll have time to read a giant book. but, you can just take all that money you'll save and see the movie instead. 1-800-contacts... giant book...
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5-hour energy...when you gotta get stuff done. >> stephen: welcome back. thank you very much. nation, as a roman catholic i believe in original sin. and i've got to say your sin is totally derivative this is yahweh or no way. >> folks, i do not approve of las vegas. if i'm going throw away my kid's college tuition i will do it the old-fashioned way by encouraging them to maj never english. (laughter) there is a new documentary that shows the sacred side of the sin city, it's called holy rollers. the true story of card counting christians. and it turns out the best cards in the deck are the king of kings.
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>> i couldn't believe that there was black jack players that were all christians. it just seemed like just god at work. i mean he has created order in the universe so that card counting is even possible. i believe every hand has been determined by god. >> anyone who seriously wants to be a disciple of jesus should learn black jack. >> stephen: so true. as jesus said, the meek shall inherit the earth as long as they hold on 16 and split their aces. so the question is does god approve of gambling in his name, yahweh or no way. >> just look at your bible, folks, rate after the jaus finished building the luxor hotel and casino, god certainty moses to fabulous mount sinai for a burning bush floor show we are dealt him a winning hand and told him to leave the israel
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lights to a barren strip of desert where nothing grows. just like vegas. and why do you think the romans cruise side jesus, they thought he was ripping off caesar's palace with his christ swell, st. peter, his right hand man, st. par ba thol mew, the explosives expert, st. mathews and st.ed thattuous, the attacker. next up, cubist communist dictators and cold war ben & jerry, fidel and raul castro. recently faced a force more powerful than the cigar aroma wafting from their facial hair. jim. >> in an unusual-- political edge in a square that symbolizes cuba, pope benedict criticized castro regime and called for free thought. >> before arriving in cuba benedict called on the government to recognize that marxism in his words no longer corresponds to
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reality. >> stephen: exactly. marxism no longer corresponds to reality. cuba needs the modern direction operate provided by a church whose leader is infallible and gets his instructions from a book written by no addic shepards between 2,000 and 3500 years ago. so the question is, can his holiness finally bring down the last soviet satellite? yahweh or no way. yahweh. finishing the job that jp 2 started when he joined up with ronald reagan to bring down the berlin wall, see back in 1989 the pope felt down on one side of the wall while gipper pushed the unsuspecting wall right over his back. and pope benedict is up to the task because his holliness met with fidel castro for a 30 minute private talk and lo and behold for the first time in 53 years cuba will recognize
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good friday as a holiday. >> previously the castros had resisted encouraging christian faith because they were afraid cuban was follow christ's example and walk on water to get to miami. and folks i got to tell you, i bet his holiness didn't even break a sweat but in he did, jim. >> creative ascent to be born exclusively by pope benedict the 16. the colon reportedly exodd pontiff personality and thee logical outlook it is infused with lemon tree blossom as a smell of spring grass to remind the pontiff of his native baff ar ya, the woman who created 9 scent has also worked with sting and madonna. >> the pope is following in sting and madonna's footsteps. i can't wait for next year's super bowl halftime show. (cheers and applause)
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the thee logical question is does the pope need his own cologne? yahweh or no way. no way, guys put on cole own to attract the ladies and il papa is already smoldering. it's bad enough he's already got those chick magnet red shoes. besides he doesn't need it because pope benedict's might certificate already a giant deodorizing cone. we'll be right back. greetings from the windy city of chicago.
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>> welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is the former governor of new mexico and an advocate for legalizing marijuana. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: . >> stephen: please welcome gary johnson.
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>> stephen: i have never heard my audience cheer so hard for a federal o fence. now you seem like you are a bad influence. thank you so much for coming on the show. i've always wanted to meet you. >> i've been on three times, maybe you forgot but it's all right. i have a pretty good head for face. >> are you the former two-term governor of new mexico. are you seeking the libertarian party's nomination for president of the united states. >> yeah. >> stephen: you were running as a republican. >> true. >> true. >> stephen: what was the rift between you and the republicans that drove you all the way to the libertarian. >> well, i wouldn't say all the way to the libertarians. i would say that most of this country is fiscally conservative and socially tolerant and i think that's-- . >> stephen: i'm not socially tolerant. you have that one wrong.
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>> most americans are socially tolerant. >> stephen: all right wms i'm in that category. >> stephen: the people out there who aren't hip to the scene, describe what-- describe what a libertarian is. >> a libertarian is going to end the wars in the middle east. the libertarian-- . >> stephen: pretty much already done already. hold on a second. don't give him credit for stuff he hasn't done. proud of-- out of iraq. getting out of afghanistan, eventually. >> i think that is the key word, eventually. the libertarian is going to balance the federal budget. the libertarian is going to stand up for marriage equality. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: those are the same people who screamed for pot. (laughter) let's get high and get gay married, that is the message. that is your message. that is your message. >> and so the libertarian party now is 40 areas old. and a poll three months ago, 50% of americans support legalizing marijuana.
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who perhaps is similarly most responsible for that? perhaps it's the libertarian party which initially cooks, today not so cooky. everything that the libertarian party is talking about today, i think is not kooky at all t is really the prescription for what ails america. >> stephen: if that is the case, you ran as a republican, again you are a two term governor of mexico. >> nuevo mexico. >> stephen: you say pote pote i say burrito. >> why couldn't you gain traction with the republicans? i mean ron paul got traction. i mean a pizza magazinenat got traction. a fat man with orange skin got traction. why didn't you get traction? >> you know, i hate to go down a cubbee hole here but i was excluded from the debates because i didn't have a certain showing in polls where my name didn't appear in the poll. >> stephen: so you didn't register 2% in stand in
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polls but your name was also not included. >> not included. that's a tough audience. >> that si a tough one to crack. i think my message is the same as ron paul. i don't think ron paul is going to get the republican nomination. so what happens to this message when he ends up getting out of the race? i think this is important for america. i think really addressing the issues that this country is facing, fiscal issues, balancing the federal budget and then on the social side, the notion that we should and are socially tolerant. >> stephen: . >> keep government out of the bedroom. >> stephen: okay. now are you presently, are you presently in straw bolls leading on the libertarian side, correct? >> actually, there polls right now i'm at 7% against obama and romney believing that romney will be the nominee. but the opportunity here is the poll at 15% against obama and romney and potentially be on the national debate stage in my
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opinion talking about big differences between the two old parties. >> stephen: do you think will you get the nomination at the libertarian convention? >> you know, i'm not taking anything for granted. but as it sits right now, i just might be that nominee. >> stephen: where is the convention. >> las vegas, nevada. >> stephen: okay. go if you actually get the nomination in las vegas, will the nomination stay in las vegas? because that could be a problem. you want to get the word out there. (cheers and applause) >> you hit on it we want to get the word out there. want to be at 15%. right now, 82% of americans are saying they would consider voting for a third party candidate. i think the third party is the libertarian party. the largest segment of american politics today are independents. so who is representing them? >> stephen: well, governor, when are you in vegas, if you have time, remember the words of jesus, hold on and
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16 and split your atss. thank you very much, governor gary johnson, libertarian candidate for president, we'll be rig
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>> that's it for the report, everything. good night. (ch