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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 12, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PDT

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with the talent that you have. it's remarkable. they're going to play us out with crowned & kissed, also from this wonderful album. esperanza spalding. and the radio music society. enjoy. i (applause) my king ♪ my king meyer my ♪ my king, my king ♪ meyer meyer where is the throne ♪ ♪ for you whose tender strength can heal a thousands souls ♪ ♪ everybody you touch turns to gold ♪ ♪ many have tried ♪ but you are the one whose noble touch has gently pride ♪ ♪ the sword from my heart ♪ once you put a mile on the-- smile on the sun ♪
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♪ once you paved the road for everyone ♪ ♪ once you shed the worries of another ♪ ♪ and you lay your burdens down ♪ ♪ don't even make a sound ♪ and lay your burdens down ♪ ♪ i'm here to love you ♪ lay your burdens down ♪ don't even make a sound ♪ don't worry about a thing. i'm here toff lo you sneath ♪ my kisses are your crown and i'm your queen sneath sneath so now lay with me my king ♪ ♪ i'm here to love you >> stephen: tonight, how do you prepare for the end of the world. i wish michael type was here, he feels remarkably fine about it, then are communists taking over america. my panic will belong to all of us. and my guest is academy award-winning director james cameron, our five minute interview will cost $545 million dollars.
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the newt gingrich campaign bounced a $500 check. it was returned for insufficient grip on reality. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. come on, that's the spirit. that's the spirit. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you know, when you give me that kind of greeting when i come out here at the beginning of show it's like you've all given me a billing hug. and i mean full body contact. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it is good stuff. now folks, i don't know if you have heard, but mitt romney has been hurt by the so-called republican war on women. which of course is just a liberal media invention like global warming or the female orgasm, where's the evidence. but unlike our real wars, the american people are paying attention to this one. a recent poll shows obama leading romney among women by 19 points. but of course there is a simple reason for that. i will let the cane train ex-- kane train explain. >> president obama is very likable to most people if you just look at him and his family. but if you look at his policies which is what most
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people disagree w it's a different story. and i think many men are much more familiar with the failed policies than a lot more other people. >> stephen: yes. other people than men. that's not patronizing to women. that could be any kind of other people. cyborgs, castrotos. the list goes on for two. besides, this very week mitt romney turned that attack against obama using the ancient art of jumitsu. >> the real war on women has been waged by the obama administration's failure on the economy. the real war on women is being waged by the president's failed economic policies. >> over 92% of the jobs lost under this president were lost by women. >> stephen: that's called flipping the script, baby. my problem is really your problem. it's all laid out in romney's new campaign slogan,
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romney 20 12ing, i'm rubber and you're glue. but is romney's attack on obama true? well, "the washington post" fact checker column looked into romney's 92% claim and judged this figure doesn't mean very much concluding the claim was true but false. (laughter) thank you washington post. your reporting was helpful but useless. (laughter) now unfortunately, the lady public didn't respond to mitt reverse takedown of obama until there was a cable news miracle. when democratic campaign strategist hillary rosen criticized stay at home mother of five ann romney. >> what you have is mitt romney running around the country saying well, you know, my wife tells me that what women really care about are economic issues. and when i listen to my wife, that's what i am hearing. guess what, his wife has actually never worked a day in her life.
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did she put her foot in obama's mouth. excuse me t campaign strategist rosen, you know what is actually never worked a day in its life? attacking motherhood. now folks, full disclosure, i have a personal stake in this issue. because i have a mom. my mom. which makes me half mom on my mom's side. (laughter) now she was a stay at home mom of 11 kids which i guess makes her twice as lazy as ann romney. and these remarks infuriate me, folks. and i'm not the only one. >> democrats are attacking stay at home moms. so who's really waging a war on women. >> the obama campaign. >> talking about the war on women, now they just got one of their own attacking stay at home moms? >> many democratic women believe that you can be a woman so long as you're like them.
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>> thanks, we appreciate it. >> stephen: yeah, thanks. women like me and christopher metzler really appreciate it. hmmmm. i got to tell you, folks, this is good. this is good, the story is delicious. jimmy, put rosen's quote up on the crawl right now. put it up there all the time. that's nice. that's not enough. now play the quote on a loop. >> his wife has actually never worblingd a day in her life. >> his wife has actually never worked a day in her life. >> now drop a-- on it. >> his wife has actually never worked a day in her life. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that is catchy. now sadly miss rosen has since apologised to ann romney profusely. do we have that clip.
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no? then what do we have? (cheers and applause) now folks, on the slim chances that romney does not win in november t will mean the end of the world. so you need to brace yourself for the future end times with tonight's edition of-- stephen colbert's end of the world. of the week. folks, i like to keep you abreast of the latest innovations in the survivalist lifestyle. from the finest in underground apocalypse layers to emergency backpacks of dehydrated beef stroganoff to my recipe book of urine based cocktails. (laughter) you'll love my classic martini. but folks, we must not
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forget the most important aspect of preparing for armageddon. love. let's face t it's hard to repopulate the earth with a jar of beats. luckily a new service out there is here to help you arm geta it on. >> if you believe the mayans and 2012 is the end of the world, there is a doomsday dating site for you. >> angela runs survivalist am more than 2,000s have signed up for free profiles on her site. >> stephen: survivalist a much more effective survivalist matchmaking tool than the old way of running old one buy single white male with 2,000 cans seeking female with can opener. take a lock at some of these great profiles. >> i have been telling people since i was a child that the world as we know it is going to end. a helpless romantic. or at the very least,
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hopeless. and ladies, how about 65-year-old earthman who says he's currently living off the grid. i tried other dating sites years ago, gave up, apparently most women are not turned on by the off grid living. okay. ye harmony ladies with your electricity and running water. that's just more hand cut squirrel for the earth man. your loss. because his toilet is still outside and it has a skylight. imagine. a romantic night together in the outhouse gazing up at the nuclear dust cloud blacking out the stars. i just hope there is enough room in there to get down on one knee. but word to the wise, folks, some survivallists may not be looking for a companion so much as a post apocalyptic food source. so watch out for anyone
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whose body preference is well marbled. now the survival irs singles is a free site but there are some good ways to make money off disaster. for instance yesterday when an 8.6 earthquake struck indonesia spokes fears of another tragic tsunami one asian business was ready to cash in. >> kfc thailand is apologising for a facebook post during yesterday's tsunami scare as people were urged to evacuate, the fast food chain told everyone to hurry home and don't forget to order your favorite kfc menu. i don't understand why they're apologizing. kfc is the perfect disaster food because after finishing the family sized bucket, you can row it to safety. now-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that sounds good. i could go for some of that
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right now. now while some people see a disaster, kfc thailand saw a disaster advertising opportunity, or dis-ad-tuniyt. i say there is no reason sos couldn't stand for soup or salad. folks, more companies should tap into the growing disaster market to boost their sales. i lock forward to the day when you can call 911 and say there's a flood engulfing the valley and i would like some garlic knots. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: thank you very much, welcome back, everybody. you know, nation, when i was a little boy americans lived in constant fear of a nuclear a mylation at the hands of our enemies in the eastern bloc. well, i'm happy to says to days may be back. this is cold war update. folks t is no secret to frequent viewers that i am a huge admirer of tea party congressman and reverse image of jay jobea james and
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allen west. as a member of the house arms services committee, west is privy to all kinds of secret information. and on tuesday west revealed some explosive-- about his fellow congressman. >> about 78 to 81 members of the democratic party, members of the-- . >> stephen: jesus h khrushchev. now for those of you too young to remember communism let me outline the dangers. sick wasted women, standing in line for a single turn i and a weird backwards r. that's why i have never trusted toys r us. and american-- yes, yes. (applause) >> stephen: yes. yes. i applaud when i'm suspicious too. and american toy company would be called toys-- me.
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and allen west comey count is backed up with hard research in that he's heard it. and if you hear something, it is true. which is why we must end the rampant explosion by outlawing pop rocks and coke. think of the children. the exploding children. nation, we have to root out these congressman before all of congress is recruited. and they might just do it to improve their public image. because right now congress has an approval rating of 9%. which according to rasmussen is actually lower than the public's opinion of a communist takeover of the united states. my only problem with congressman west here is that he said he won't name names. which means we will just have to speculate and i will
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start. john boehner. hear me out. he may not be a democrat, but he sure looks red. or at least burnt siena. keep an eye on this guy. we'll be right back. clears plaus.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight, recently set the world record for traveling solo to the earth's deepest depths. well, he's about to meet the earth's shallowist man. please welcome james cameron. (cheers and applause) thank you, mr. cameron. thank you so much for coming on. >> how are you doing. >> stephen: i'm in a quandary. obviously i'm a big fan. we can shake hands again if you want, a lot of people don't want to let go of me. i understand the feeling. >> yeah. >> stephen: you're one of these hollywood elite, okay. poisoning the minds of our children with your escapist fantasy movies. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. case in point, titanic, did you see that titanic movie? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right. couple people saw that, you
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made a chunk of change. now that movie i think has got a terrible message for our kids. that young women of means and breeding should go off with just some tramp they meet. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: you realize that that is the message of that movie. >> yeah, yeah is. >> stephen: yeah. >> think how much the film could have made if we had done it right. >> stephen: right, exactly. if you had focus grouped that movie and jack had lived, you could have turned some coin. >> yeah. >> stephen: have you thought about a sequel, a sequel where rose doesn't-- the ocean for his body. >> we'll work on that. >> stephen: now it's out right now in 3-d. what does the 3-d, it was a spectacle to begin w don't get me wrong. >> yeah. >> stephen: i was terrified in that movie. i was, scary movie. i'm afraid i'm going to feel like i'm drowning if i go see it in 3-d. what is it giving you.
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>> that's exactly the goal. the goal is to put you on the ship. and you know, it's a sense of depth, a sense of being there. that is what the 3-d is all about. >> stephen: how do you do that to a movie shot in 2-d you can't reach not film and like open it like a top hat. >> yeah. it is only-- if only it were that easy. we had to spend 14 months, 300 computer artists working, you know at screens, outlining every single character, adding depth and dimension toff every single object and every single frame. >> stephen: is everything 3-d there it. >> yeah. >> stephen: even when they are doing it in that car? >> we we worked especially on that. >> stephen: that sweatie hand print is coming right at you. >> yeah. although they cut it out in china we just found out. >> stephen: they cut that out in china, that's too sexy for the chinese. >> they were afraid that chinese men would actually be reaching out towards the
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screen, this is true, you can't make-- you can't make this up, and that it would interfere with the enjoyment of the people sitting next to them. >> stephen: that they would reach out toward the screen. i can't believe the chinese men have that little sex. there are a lot of them. >> this is a concern so it's been edited. but we made $20 million in two days so i'm going with their edit. >> stephen: whoa, that's nice. >> yeah. >> stephen: the market has spoken. now speaking of the ocean, you've got a little obsession about the ocean. >> yeah. >> stephen: because besides the titanic and 3-d, you did the abyss. okay. and now you have gone down to the deepest spot in the ocean. >> yeah. >> stephen: the mariana trench. >> yeah. >> stephen: where in the ocean is that thing. >> well, it's near guam which is western pacific out in the middle of nowhere. >> stephen: part of america, sir, it's not nowhere. >> it's in the fed rated states of micrones ya, sir, about a mile outside of american water.
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>> stephen: there are american citizens they have a representative in government, [bleep]. >> whoa, whoa. >> stephen: okay. [bleep]. >> all right, fed rated states of micronesia. >> stephen: and they have a congresswoman, i interviewed her. you're on my turf. you know the bottom the ocean. i know congress. >> are you aware she can't vote. >> stephen: i do know she can't vote, neither can washington, d.c., does that mean that is not in the united states. because i agree with you there. okay, all right, i accept your apology. now so why go down there? what's down there, man. >> well, it's the last unexplored frontier on planet earth. >> stephen: how far down are we talking. >> seven miles. 36,000 feet or 11,000 meters. >> stephen: please, we don't broadcast in europe, all right, are you canadian. >> i'm canadian [bleep]. >> stephen: no wonder you don't know what-- (cheers and applause)
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>> you want to shake hands with me. >> stephen: that might be the least polite thing i've ever heard a canadian say. so how long did it take to get down there and in what. >> we built a sub t took us seven years. and it is a vehicle that i codesigned with some engineers. >> stephen: so you are an invent tear. >> apparently because it worked. is so how long did it take to do the drop all the way down. >> the whole idea, the sub is like a vertical torpedo so it hauls ass through the water column so that you can spend as much time on the bottom as possible and hauls ass back up so it is a very unconventional design, that was the concept. >> stephen: so the entire time, it is all dark, right. >> pitch-black. >> stephen: how long are you in the darkness down there. >> pretty of the whole time, because you know, anything below 500 feet, we're going down to 36,000, anything below 500 feet pitch-black. so i'm at that depth in like a minute and a half. and so-- . >> stephen: are we talking like three hours, five hours. >> about 10 hours for the whole thing. >> stephen: 10 hours. >> yeah.
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>> stephen: how big of a thing are we talking. >> it's actually smaller than this table, the diametre is about 43 inches. >> stephen: you didn't drink a lot of iced tea before you got there. >> no, no, you stay away from a lot of liquides and bean dinners and things like that. >> stephen: did you see anything down there, like was the kraken down there? was -- >> if i thought there was any chance whatsoever of a giant squid or cracken i would have been putting bait all over that sub. >> stephen: to try to get them to come close. >> because that would be the shot, right. >> stephen: it would, you are the director, not me. >> right, no, the animals are quite small down there because nature is adapting to the pressure, the lack of food supply and all that. it's the most harsh extreme environment on planet earth. >> stephen: let me ask you something. that necklace the lady those off the boat in titanic, you were going after that, weren't you? (laughter) did you get that thing, because that must be megabucks, that must be huge coin. james cameron, thank you so
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much for joining me. james cameron. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: titanic 3-d in theatres now. we'll be [ shower running ] when you have a hole in your neck, don't face the showerhead. suction out your tube before you eat. crouch -- don't bend over. you don't want to lose the food in your stomach. cpr is not mouth to mouth. it's mouth to stoma. don't use spray paint. be very careful shaving. you can quit.


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