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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 24, 2012 7:10pm-7:40pm PDT

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the show, everybody. (cheers and applause) good to have you with us. please, ladies and gentlemen, please. take a load off. i don't know about you but i had a beautiful weekend. i was down in washington d.c. for the conservative values voters summit. not exactly a gala affair. for some reason the group fighting to defy gay people rights has trouble finding a competent party planner. but i tell you this, it is a great place to hear from prominent conservative voices like jan brewer, circumstance cameron, eric
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cantor and a 9 millimeter firing at a disk of birth-control pills. but folks-- (laughter) >> stephen: folks, only one speaker down there really appealed to the voters' heart and... well, just heart. >> we will never have the media on our side, ever in this time. we will never have the elite smart people on our side. (laughter) >> stephen: yes. he's right. and it is time... (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it is high time that gops stop trying to appeal to smart people. and letting rick santorum in front of a microphone is a great place to start. folks, the rest of the party needs to fall in line. do you hear that michele bachmann, tone it down! nation, it's about time
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somebody said what we were all not thinking. just because people know things doesn't mean we should listen to them. sorry, elite, but we've given your pro knowledge wisdom-pushing policies a chance and they have failed. f-a-l-7 d-failed. and this is a wake-up call to all anti-intellectual americans. i'm not talking just about the dumb people. i'm talking to the droolers. the mouth breathers, those struggling to finish the kid's maze on a long john's silvers placement. stand up, shake that bucket off your head and be counted. unfortunately to do that you'll have to find someone who can count. and folks if you want more evidence that the elite smarty crap media are against us, well, look no further than last week. while i was conveniently not
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on the air, news happened. oh, and the free masons don't control the world government, right. evidently, in response to an anti-muslim film, riots broke out at american embassies worldwide, most tragically in benghazi, libya, where on september 11th four americans including our ambassador were killed. now our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and their families. but my rage goes straight at barack obama. you see, his buddies in the press are trying to make this crisis about mitt romney. who on the day of the a attacks courageously vowed not to campaign on 9/11. >> there is a time and place for that. but this day is not that. >> stephen: no. that day was not that. (laughter) turns out, that night was that. jim.
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>> governor mitt romney just releasing this statement. it's disgraceful that the obama administration's first response was not to condemn attacks on our diplomatic missions but to sympathize with those who waged attacks. >> stephen: how dare obama sympathize with the attackers. he should have stood up against them like mitt romney did by attacking our president. (laughter) now it turns out, folks, when romney attacked him, obama hadn't said anything yet. (laughter) mitt was talking about a brief statement condemning religious bigotry put out on the web site of the cairo embassy before the attacks ever happened. so of course there came a barrage of attacks from the liberal media cleverly disguised as conservative media. >> romney stuck his foot in his mouth. he should have known enough to shut up. >> i don't feel that mr. romney has been doing himself any favors. sometimes when really bad things happen, when hot things happen, cool words or
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no words is the way to go. >> reporter: matthew dowd a top strategist for president george w. bush said it almost feels like sarah palin is his foreign policy advisor. >> stephen: come on! sarah palin would be a great foreign policy advisor. to her, all policy is foreign. (laughter) and folks... yes. (applause) and to all those panty waste pundits who say that presidential politics should end at the water's edge and that mitt's foreign policy statement was a case of premature inauguration... (laughter) >> stephen: radio host and pillsbury doe dump rush limbaugh has an answer. >> we're only supposed to have one president now at times like this. well, we don't have one, unless romney speaks up. and that's the sad reality.
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>> stephen: yes. as far as rush and i are concerned mitt romney is our president. and that's the sad reality. and if president... if president romney does not defend america now, he will not deserve to have been elected two months later. (laughter) you know, folks, in times like these, it's hard to know what to say. which mitt proved at his press conference on wednesday. >> i think it's... a... a terrible course to... for america, to stand and apology for our values. >> stephen: damn straight, we must never apologize for our values. in this case our sacred belief in offending other people's sacred beliefs. jim? >> what inflamed the mad
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passion of mobs and protestors in the street? a movie. and incredibly amateurish, crude and nasty movie made in the united states and released on youtube, innocence of muslims, it's called. and it depicts the prophet mohammad as a dope, a fraud, a pedophiler and womanizer. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: sorry, must have slipped. now folks, i may not agree with what this fill am says, but i will fight to the death for its right to say it. obviously minus the i feith and death part. and folks, i have decided not to play the film out of
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sensitivity to me still living. but let me try to calm the global situation. muslim viewers, i have viewed the video on youtube. it combines the production values of a basement porno, the acting talent of an 18 century syphilis sanatorium and a script transcribed from arguments overheard in a bus station bathroom. not good. but you see, our constitution means we can't stop people from making movies that are stupid or grossly offensive. for instance, we made three transformers. where were the mobs then? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: where were the riots? however horrible this movie may be, the american president needs to know when it comes to our values, there can be no apology. i mean mitt romney wrote the book on that, in his book "no apology" so to all the conservative
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media out there saying that this foreign policy misstep is a fatal blow to the romney campaign, let me offer you a no apology condolence card. romney 2012, i'm not sorry for your loss. (applause) we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation, please, nation, yesterday was the beginning of the jewish new year or rosh hashanah-nah. the jewish new year is just like the regular new year only instead of waking up the next morning filled with regret you go to bed filled with it. and i would like to honor my jewish viewers by blowing the traditional shofar. cheerses plaus-- (cheers and applause) dead ram. folks, rosh hashanah-nah is the start of what is known as the days of repentance which ends on the holy day of yom kippur which is when the jewish baby new year is circumcised by that old
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moyel with the scythe. o children of israel, once again i look forward to your apology to me, to quote your jewish pope moses, revenge is a dish best served kosher. that's why i am once again offering my atone phone hotline. now --... (cheers and applause) if you are's jewish and you gave me tsuris during the year 5772, just pick up the phone before yom kippur and dole 1-888-667-7539, that is 1-888-oops-jew. now as in previous years i've once again had to defray some of the costs by sharing the number with other businesses. that's why when you connect remember to press 2 for at tone phone. if you press 1, you'll get
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1-888-mob-fee a consumer line for discount january toria sflirx press 3 will you get pete anded so distributor lewis schwartz and 1-888-moss lew. if you press 4 will you get discount movie theatre mo cineplex and 1-88-mosplex. and if you press 5 will you get 1-888-nors les a sex chat line photturing lesbians of scandinavian des ent. well this year with what obama's economy i had to share our number with what another line. so press 6, only if are you dial ---888-o mrs. lex for tickets to the off, off, off, off broadway show about lex luther's troubled marriage. take a listen. >> hello, you've reached the hotline for tickets to o
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mrs. lex, the hit comedy of love, sex and lex. here's a taste. >> how's our sex life? let's just say superman is not the only one who lives in a fortress of solitude. >> to order tickets to o mrs. lex stay on the line. updates also cancelled no refunds. >> stephen: to remember, if you would like to atone for your sins that number is 1-888-oops-jew. wow, the calls are starting to come already. shalom, how have you wronged me. >> hey, stephen, this is ira glass. >> ira glass, host of public radio this american life. i recognized your voice because hi the sudden urge to pledge $50 for a dr. who fannie pack. so ira what is your apology. >> stephen, i apologize for
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never having you on this american life. >> yes. >> so tonight my apology to stephen colbert, act 1, the apology, act 2, you forgive me. >> stephen: well, of course i forgive you ira. >> thank you, stephen, really, i really have come to realize if anybody should be a guest on this american life it's you because you are america. i read will-- learned that from watching your show. >> stephen: thank you, i watch your show too. >> my show is on the radio. (laughter) >> stephen: of course it is,. i turn the sound down and i watch my radio. >> stephen, if i could i would also like everyone to check out a movie i produced and cowrote called sleep walk with me out in theatres now. >> stephen: sure, sure. wait a second, ira did you just call to plug your movie? >> no i called to wish you a happy new year. >> stephen: well, thanks. >> and what better way to celebrate than by watching the sundance-winning comedy sleeper of the year that i
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produced called sleep walk with me out in theatres now. >> stephen: well, i'm sorry for doubting your sincerity ira. >> i forgive you. >> stephen: ira glass, everybody. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll be right back
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight wrote a book that is now a pbs documentary. i tivoed it. please don't tell me who wins. please welcome drew gilpin faust. (cheers and applause) hey. thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: all right, you're the president of harvard, right. >> mi. >> stephen: are you, you are one of those... you're one of those smart people who rick santorum says that the gop's never going to attract. why are you so prejudiced
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against people who do not value education. >> we have lots of people connected with harvard who are conservative, who've been to harvard, grover norquist went to harvard. >> stephen: do they still go there. so you kicked him out. >> they succeeded there. they did very well. they went on to do good things in life. so we see harvard as a place for education for people who are conservative; people who are liberal; and everybody in between. >> stephen: is if for dumb people? is it for dumb people. >> it's never dumb to get an education. >> stephen: okay. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so you are prejudiced against dumb people, good to know. okay. now young lady, you have written a book called "this republic of suffering: death and the american civil war" and it's the subject of
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inspiration for a new documentary, death and the civil war directed by ric burns. now i know there was death in the civil war, okay. but there was certainly death before the civil war. what is special, what's special about death and the civil war? >> the civil war brings to the american people a level of death that is unprecedented, that is unlike anything they anticipated or had experienced before. and it depend-- demands from them a whole new set of attitudes, behaviors, assumptions. so many people died in the civil war. >> stephen: how many people. >> we don't know exactly because the record-keeping was so terrible but approximately 750,000 people. and in today's terms, proportionally that would mean 7 million americans. imagine if 7 million americans mr. killed as a result of a war today. imagine how it would change our society, change our attitudes, change how we dealt with death, how we
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even handled the bodies. >> stephen: well wa, was the dichbs for them wa, was the transition from how we dealt with death before to how we dealt with death when it came in such a massive scale, the way the black plague changed europe after the black plague? >> well, one of the aspects was it that in the war so many people died away from home. soldiers were thousands of miles from home. they died on battlefields without any record of their death. there were no dog tags so often the soldiers died without an identity. about half of those who died in the civil war were never identified. >> stephen: you say that the amount of death in the civil war actually changed our relationship with our government. how so? >> it did because when the war began and soldiers entered the army there was no sense of an obligation on the part of the government, either northern or southern to report about the fate of those individuals or to take care of their remains. and today that would seem to us unthinkable. and in the course of the war it began to seem unthinkable to americans as well. north and south.
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and so by the end of the war there had emerged the belief that a government owed to its people a responsibility to account for those who had sacrificed their lives on its behalf. so the national cemetery system originates during the civil war. >> stephen: i don't... i think this is a fantastic documentary. the film sounds like a fascinating book but you are beginning to make the civil war sound like a downer. (laughter) >> i did not find the work i did on this book, and i don't think those who watch ric burn's beautiful documentary that is based on it, i don't think they will find it a downer. because what it really represents is the triumph of the human spirit in face of suffering and in face of all these extraordinarily difficult challenges. we find individuals like say clara barton who brings medicines and ways to treat
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the wounded to the battlefield in antidum and rises above anything she ever expected to do in life to reach out and help those men who were suffering. and help them to have medical care and take down their names and write to their families. >> stephen: in some ways if the government, you know, felt an obligation, isn't this beginning of our big government the government felt like they had a role in our lives that ordinarily would be filled by our family? >> i think this is an important conversation that takes place in the context of the civil war. what do citizens owe to the state. what do the states owe to citizens. what do citizens owe to one another as basic fundamental human decency and kindness. and those questions are still being addressed today. we're still having that conversation. >> well, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: the book is called this republic of suffering, drew gilpin faust, thank you so much for joining me. we'll be right back.
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