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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 5, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PST

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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. listen tomorrow night neil degrass tyson son the program. when he was here he told us the
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imloab in our open was spinning the wrong way. we didn't fix it. i have until tomorrow for the earth to somehow reverse its spin. here it is your moment of zen. >> not everything is awful captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] tonight, president obama says aloha to israel. and my guest james franco is the star of the new movie "oz, the great and powerful." i'll nail him, and his little dog, too. [laughter] queen elizabeth has been released from the hospital for what they say is a stomach bug. either that, or there's another royal baby on the way! this is "the colbert report."
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[cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] right here. right there. good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting, "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. thank you so. ladies and gentlemen, we've got to get to the news. [cheers and applause] nation, if you haven't heard-- i know my studio audience hasn't because we keep them in a hyperbaric chamber before the show-- there are two huge, breaking stories tonight.
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first hugo chavez venezuelan strongman and friend of the show is dead. repeat. hugo chavez is dead. [audience reacts] >> stephen: i know. obviously this leaves a huge hole in south american politics and an even bigger collection of flag track suits. [laughter] our other breaking story jon stewart has announced he will be taking the summer off from "the daily show." [audience reacts] we wish him all the best in his new project, ruling the country of venezuela. [laughter] [cheers and applause] folks, staying on international politics, if you watch this show, you know there is no greater friend to the state of israel than yours truly. certainly a better friend than barack obama, who has repeatedly
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snubbed our ally by refusing to visit. he can't keep putting it off by saying, "next year, in jerusalem" at his annual passover seder! and i won't even get into what an insult it was to the jewish people that the brisket was dry. [laughter] and now, the greatest insult of all. >> obama will make his first trip to israel as president. >> the white house hasn't released details of his trip but israeli media says he's visiting this spring. >> stephen: oh, so now obama thinks he can wipe out his shameful record of never visiting israel by visiting israel. [laughter] it's a chonda! don't fall for it, my chosen brethren, my he-bros. [laughter] he doesn't get you. [cheers and applause] this man doesn't get it. israel is a divided country that feels beseiged by terrorists,
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and whose politics are increasingly dictated by a small, hard-right minority. obama can't relate to that! [laughter] and if you need more proof that the president is no friend of israel, just do the math: back in 2007, president bush supported israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. this year, president obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. [laughter] i know, it looks like it's going up, but remember, in hebrew you read charts from right to left. [cheers and applause] all right? [cheers and applause] and our worst fears about obama were confirmed when he appointed as secretary of defense former senator and man who just learned his dog died-- chuck hagel. [laughter] hagel has a history of troubling statements.
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he once said the jewy lobby intimidate dates a lot people and i'm not an israeli senator i'm a united states senator. clearly this man doesn't understand that when it comes to israel, there are certain things you can't say. for instance, implying that there are certain things you can't say. which there aren't. you can say anything you want about israel, which i would, if there was anything to say. but there isn't. so there's nothing to be said. how dare hagel say it. now the administration's gonna make a big dilly-o about the fact that while he's over there, obama is going to get israel's highest civilian honor, the "presidential medal of distinction." but it's not that great, once you eat the chocolate. [laughter] and i'm not the only one who's suspicious of obama's committment to israel. so is the prime minister benjamin netanyahu. during the 2012 campaign, netanyahu all but endorsed
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obama's opponent-- what is your name? [cheers and applause] i know this. i know this. i know this. don't tell me. matz latke? bris schmaltzy? putz schmuckney? what, whatever. jim? >> prime minister netanyahu pretty much aligned himself with governor romney. >> prime minister benjamin netanyahu, who really threw his full support, it seemed at times behind mitt romney. >> you know they've known each other since the 1970s when they worked together in a consulting firm. >> you've been a personal friend of mine and a strong friend of the state of israel. >> stephen: that might make obama's trip a little awchward! [laughter] will obama's trip be a success? will he insult the palestinians by eating the israeli delicacy falafel or will he insult the israelis by eating the
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palestinan delicacy falafel? [laughter] here to discuss the chosen people is my chosen guest, please welcome israeli ambassador to the united states, michael oren. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] sit back down. okay. sir, -- [cheers and applause] -- good to see you again. good to see you. how is israel? >> it's great. terrific. >> stephen: chosen people still chosen? >> chosen people from the bible. those are the jews. we're the chosen ally of the united states, the ultimate ally in the united states in the middle east. there's one state there that is stable, democratic and totally pro-american. >> stephen: sir, you are preaching to the choir if synagogues had choirs do. they? >> some do. >> stephen: good. preach away. obama is coming whether you like it or not.
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and i know you don't like it. >> we're delighted. >> stephen: no you are not. what is the ultimate trip for him? what does very to go to? >> he goes to the memorial for the holocaust. he's going to be greeted by the president given the medical of distinction you talked about. it's not chocolate filled. he will meet with the prime minister netanyahu. we have a lot of common challenges, stephen. it's the situation? syria unraveling, a lot of chemical weapons there. we're going to try to get the peace process there trying to get the palestinians back to the table and other problems. >> stephen: netanyahu wanted the other guy. it's clear. >> not true. >> stephen: it's clear to anybody with eyes in their skull. he wanted the other guy. must be awkward for him because obama is going to say you rolled the dice the wrong way bibi? >> we do not. israel does not get involved in
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internal politics in united states. >> stephen: you are adorable. >> no, it's true. i come from washington, d.c. you know there's a lot of polarize yietion. >> stephen: you come from israel. >> i meant working in washington, d.c. >> stephen: like kirk you work in space i'm from iowa. >> okay. yes, i'm working in washington, d.c. there's not many issues on which there's total bipartisan support and the support of the united states and israel is a try bipartisan issue. >> stephen: let's talk about haggle. some said he was no friend of the state of israel because of what he said. are there things you cannot say about israel including the question i'm asking you right now? [laughter] >> first of all secretary of defense hague is a great friend of israel. he has total support for our security and the aliance. this say free country of free
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speech. we,, too israel, as a democracy we have free speech. people express their criticism and we defend our positions. >> stephen: what about eye plan? what when do you start bombing? >> hold on -- >> stephen: hold on one second. jimmy turn off the cameras this is national security. [laughter] when does the bombing start? [cheers and applause] >> no country has a greater interest in israel in resolving the iranian threat by diplomatic means. we have the most skin in the game. i have my kids there. >> stephen: you guys are there, right. >> we're right there a small country in iran's backyard and the iranian leaders are threatening toll wipe us off the map. >> stephen: obama has not said he will rain hellfire on iran. >> he he has said he is keeping all options on the table one of those options is a military option and none of those is containment with an iranian
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nuclear weapon. >> stephen: i want to you tell netanyahu when you back there that the colbert nation is behind israel in this one and if do you bomb iraq we're right behind with with just as many nuclear weapons as you admit to having. thank you sox. ambassador michael oren. israel and washington. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers an]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen -- nation -- [cheers and applause] nation, there is no greater friend of outer space than yours truly. so naturally, i was disappointed when nasa's budget was slashed. but, folks, there is some great news from the private sector answer. >> millionaire space tourist dennis tito wants to send two people to the red planet on a 500-day journey. >> he is convinced it will be feasible by 2018. >> we have not sent humans beyond the moon in 40 years. i've been waiting myself, and a lot of other people my age have been waiting and waiting.
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>> stephen: that's right. this brave entreprenuer will send two astronauts to mars for the noblest reason there is: impatience. [laughter] it reminds me of john f. kennedy's famous speech about putting a man on the moon, "we choose to go the moon not because it is easy-- but come on, it's got to be easy, right? let's just do it already. just strap a rocket to some guy's back. jeesh!" [laughter] [cheers and applause] be warned folks. this 501-day round-trip flyby is not for the faint of heart because there will be no showers, limits on toilet paper and clothing, drinking water made from the crew members' recycled urine and sweat and almost no privacy. in other words, basically a carnival cruise. [laughter] [cheers and applause]
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still -- still. being the first human to orbit the red planet is a memory you'll never forget, that is, until the radiation from the sun accelerates the onset of alzheimer's disease. [laughter] which explains neil armstrong's famous words, "that's one small step for man-- that's one small step for man." [laughter] fortunately, there is a plan to deal with the harmful radiation-- the astronauts will use a poop shield to block cosmic rays, where human waste could be stored in bags used to line the capsule. the good news is brown is a neutral color, so it goes with everything. [laughter] but by far the best part of tito's space plan is who he wants to send into space. >> he's looking for a married couple. >> it's a man-woman team, that's interesting, because they're going to spend 17 months up there together in a space capsule that's said to be the size of a small bathroom. that's right. couples only.
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imagine the romance, floating through the stars, and sharing a glass of your lover's recycled pee. [laughter] and like all couples, you'll be redecortating. "should we make this wall all your poop, and this one all mine? or should we go: your poop, my poop, your poop, my poop." [cheers and applause] [laughter] i just want to take a second here to point out that received applause. [cheers and applause] of course prospective couples will want to make sure you're up for the voyage. so to test it out, you and your partner should spend a month in a geo metro drinking each other's urine and covering the windows with your own waste. and if a cop asks what you're doing, just tell them you're training to be an astronaut. [laughter] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an actor, director author, poet and model. but you probably know him from this interview we're about to do.
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please welcome james franco. [cheers and applause] good to see you again. thanks for coming back. [cheers and applause] nice to see you again. >> very good to see you. so happy to be here. >> stephen: you are always a friendly face. as i said you are an actor, director, writer, poet, artist, student, teacher recently grand marshal at the daytona 500. i didn't know you were a gear head. >> love it. >> stephen: you like cars? >> love nascar can't you tell. >> stephen: your hair looks like you are driving 80 miles per hour right now. >> you, too brother. >> stephen: sideways like. this head out the windows. >> stephen: you are playing a guy named oscar diggs, aka oz which say prequel to the other
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movie. in a way. you only seat wizard tep end. he is giving out the gifts. our movie about is how that guy got to the land of oz and became the wizard. >> stephen: you assume you do most of the movie behind the curtain. >> no, no, how he got there. >> stephen: you are making us pay attention to the man behind the curtain. >> exactly. >> stephen: he's something, you know, he's something like you. he is a renaissance man. >> true, true. >> stephen: are you also a fraud? [cheers and applause] >> good question. >> stephen: he's a fraud, right? >> good question. >> stephen: he's a fraud. >> i am a fraud. this soon act. it's an act. [ laughter ] -- this is an act. it's an act. >> stephen: sour just playing james franco. there's a real one we never get to meet. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: that must be hard. >> well, practice. [ laughter ] >> stephen: you know, why do
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you do -- why do you do all the things that you do? why not be an -- a great actor, why not just focus on acting? >> there's a lot of reasons. i'll tell you this for a while when i was only doing acting. i felt -- i dropped out of school and i did feel a little bit like the scarecrow in the original movie who just said i just want a brain. i overcompensated for dropped out. i studied on my own, had no social life studied all the time. then i went back to school and like the scarecrow once i went back and got the diploma i realized oh, i guess i had it all along. >> stephen: wow. [ laughter ] the witches in this movie. >> yes. >> stephen: okay. wicked witch of the east and
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west. >> rachel weisz, gennifer goodwin. >> stephen: gun to your head. let's play marry, hit that and throw a pail of water on her. >> oh, man. >> stephen: all right? >> gowrg get me in so much trouble. >> stephen: why? why? >> not only do they play witches -- >> stephen: come on. let me ask you something do you want a good witch or a wicked witch. >> you want wicked. >> stephen: i think so, too. rach he will weisz i wouldn't mind landing a house on that. >> we'll edit that out. do you do theater? >> i'm going to. >> stephen: what do you do? >> of mice and men on broadway. >> stephen: really.
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>> yes. >> stephen: there's a character slim. >> we haven't cast him yet. >> stephen: really? >> yes steerchlt is it a big -- [crowd chanting "stephen! "] >> stephen: is it a big time commitment because i have this show to do. >> we'll work it out. >> stephen: who are you going to play? >> george. >> stephen: spoiler alert. it's sad. >> it's sad. >> stephen: the last time you were here by the way you were the consensus most interesting man in hollywood. wow. >> stephen: are you more or less interesting than you used to be? >> i think i'm the same. >> stephen: really, fascinating. [ laughter ] >> i don't think i've changed. >> stephen: you think you are just as fascinating as you were