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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  March 7, 2013 10:00am-10:30am PST

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it's 'cause these girls won't sleep with these dudes until they get married, which is fine. ladies, if you want to reserve your poon, god bless you, okay? [ laughter ] i like 25-year-old scotch, so i understand the theory. [ laughter and applause ] if you want to wait for the one, then wait for the one, but you cannot put an obstacle in front of it. you can't say to someone that you got to do this to get this,
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'cause a 20-year-old boy virgin is not gonna consider the repercussions of his actions. if you put an obstacle in front of a 20-year-old virgin and tell him that sex is on the other side [bleep] is going to get done, okay? so if you wield that kind of power, ladies, perhaps marriage isn't the answer. maybe you should think about society. maybe you should think about the rest of us. maybe you should say, "hey, fellas, i'm not sleeping with anybody till they cure cancer." it'll be two weeks! some 20-year-old will be like, "i got it! i got it! it's right here!" [ cheers and applause ] "it was carrots and mustard. who knew?" you guys have been a lot of fun, man. thank you very much. peace and love. [ cheers and applause ]
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-- captions by vitac -- captioning sponsored by comedy central >> frm comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, everybody, wrel come to "the daily show." -- welcome "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. you may have noticed our brand new show open. [cheers and applause] i think -- my guest tonight is astro physicist neil. degrasse tyson. a learned man, a man of the
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universe. the last time he was on the program, perhaps the time before that, he said during the normal open to the show that the graphics globe was spinning the wrong way. [laughter] well, it took time and a great deal of ingenuity but we've fixed our problem. we have a brand new open and it only cost us $1 million. [ laughter ] i hope he preshz how hard. if he thinks we're going to go back to the other open tomorrow, yes! [laughter] real quick off the top, today john brennan was supposed to have his nomination to run the c.i.a. on firmed in the senate. sort of a nonevent after the recent confirp -- confirmation drama -- what the who? it was a nonevent until
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the -- >> i rise today to filibuster the nomination to the c.i.a. >> jon: looks like we got us a good old fashion talkie filibuster, the kind our grandparents tried to tell us about but never got to because we were too busy playing jacks and tiddly winks with our friends waiting for our chance to freebase in the shed. ah, the 70s or 50s or whatever time frame i apoo peer to be. rand paul has sent a letter to attorney general eric holder asking just a simple question: can the president use a drone to take out an american citizen on u.s. soil? you would think he would get a letter back like, no, way! holder writes him back a letter that never directingly addressing the question kind of, sort of
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implied hypothetically in the right -- yes, we can do that probably won't but yes. senator rand paul to draw attention to the issue of the execution of executive executions executed the classical filibuster. i mean he's out there talking. this isn't one of those -- i mean he's using the filibuster the way it's meant to be used. >> i will speak until i can no longer speak. i can -- is thes but of the propellers of drones. in general has allowed president to usurp this power. flashcards, alarm bells should go off. judges and juries make mistakes. who could forget jane fonda around in north vietnamese. you are going to drop a drone hellfire missile on jane fonda. >> jon: no.
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of course not. however much you would have disagreed with her position i think we can all agree she's already paid a hellish price. [ laughter ] i can't say i agree with rand paul about everything but as issues go drone oversight is one worth kicking up dust for. they are prevengt the senate on getting anything done on john brennan's confirmation it's really just a reason to not get anything done on the sequester where you rarely see things going on so rarely outside of a nascar race. laugh lat the sequester say battle over government funding priorities to. give you an example of how far apart the two parties are we need only look to the state of the union address. >> i propose working with states to make high quality preschool available to every single child in america.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: ha-zaaa! high quality preschool for every single child. married children, of course, too busy raising their own families. [ laughter ] universal preschool. seems like the sort of thing that is going to go over pretty good. >> i had an e-mail from a teacher as they were giving the speech, someone i've known for a long time. it was are you kidding me? more paperwork. [laughter] >> jon: and what do the teachers get for the paperwork? just a bunch of money and resources to teach children. i mean, i hardly think that's why my friend got into education. [ laughter ] but besides representative black burn totally not made up internet teacher friend
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teup there must be other reasons not to fund this plan. >> the government's own study shows. >> no results. >> you see a few gains in the preschool years, gone by first grade. >> i have read that preschool is not effective after the third grade. [laughter] >> jon: right. because at that point you are supposed to go to the fourth grade. not back to preschool. [ laughter ] those head start skeptics referring to a piece of 2012 health and human services department study that showed kids who went to head start did better than those who didn't have the program by third grade results evened out. which might leave a normal person to say why not take
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the beneficial head start techniques and apply them to the third grade as opposed to the argument that the benefits only last a few years so -- if we're going with studies you could keep reading the same report you are quoting from and show that other studies have shown in general head start programs increase graduation rates, lower crime rates, increased attendance in college and increased -- decreased mortality rates. what wants to go to 29 anyway. am i right tweens? maybe it's not effectiveness concerning them. >> we don't have the money for that. >> how much of handout is going to cost you money? >> it would cost $10,000 per kid per year thank $300,000
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per classroom. this just crazy talk. >> jon: money on children's education, are you mental? [laughter] if these children want an education they should get jobs and pay for it themselves. that's illegal, thanks nanny state. the category is things worth investing in america's future for. preschool, no. any other ideas? >> we know china is looking into invest in the military. certainly our relationship with russia has changed but they are -- we need to make sure that we have a strong military. >> jon: we have a strong military. we're number one by a mile. we spend more on defense than the next 12 countries combined including china including russia. we're like the lady on jerry springer who can't stop getting breast implants. the truth is -- [cheers and applause] -- the truth is china's
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budget -- china's military budget would be a fine size for our figure but we're not satisfied until it looks like we're trying to shoplift soccer balls. >> jon: you might want to look at literacy math and graduation rates. don't care? you should. because those new expensive weapons systems are pretty complicated. >> a group of retired generals and admirals say that the state of america's youth is a threat to national security. it claims that three out of our americans between the ages of 17 and 24 couldn't join the military if they wanted to because they haven't graduated high school, have criminal records or are physically unfit. they are pushing for early childhood development. >> jon: what was the last one? early childhood development?
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ah-ha. i got it. perhaps combining the two is the only way to get more money for education. i give you seal team actually 6. i want to get bin wadin but i'm not allowed to stay up
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>> [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the show. last week america finally made good on its threat to itself in the form of arbitrary spending cuts known as the sequester. we sent al mad gral to washington to see firsthand the outrage. >> last week the much feared sequester became a reality. >> it's now in effect. 85 billion in automatic spending cuts. >> just hours after it was signed into law i went outside the white house to see the outrage firsthand. >> it's been extremely frustrating. >> congress doesn't tend to work on anything until there's a crisis. >> that man in the white house promised to take care of situation. where is he now? >> i realized it was an issue. i-degree grew up in puerto rico. we take it sear your -- seriously. >> sorry where?
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>> puerto rico. >> why are you here? >> statehood. >> this wasn't about the sequester. they witnessed the american government's inability to function but that didn't steam deter them. they couldn't get anything done and you want in? >> that's correct. >> how bad is (bleep) puerto rico. they've only had one nonvoting member of congress which they think is worse than having a congressman that could vote. >> they let me vote on committees but nowhere else. >> you are like a back-up quarterback on the nfl. you get to travel with the team and don't get hurt. >> well -- >> there comes sacrifices. you are not going to like this but if you become a state you don't have that parade anymore. >> why? >> montana doesn't have the
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parade. >> if we don't have the parade we have less wilding opportunities. my peeps can go crazy sometimes. >> not the best pitch which is an interesting point. what are they bringing to the table? >> you need us. we can bring baseball to this wonderful nation. good rum. >> that is one thing we're missing sports liquor. >> exactly what we need more of. >> do they even understand how the congress works? i put them through the paces of a mock congressional filibuster. let's say puerto riewker gets statehood and you are a senator. you are on the floor what types of things are going to accomplish? >> not only will i make sure that puerto rico is included. >> i have the floor it's my turn to talk. whole corn, oil. >> excuse me. i have the floor. i'm filibustering you. >> i have the right i'm a senator. >> i'm filibustering you. >> okay. you are making a spectacle
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of yourself. >> sorry, you're right. >> all right. as i was saying. >> milk, cheese cultures. >> when i become a senator and i'm part of the united states congress. >> whey. >> in the end adding a 51st state to the union creates a truly insurmountable problem a design problem. we have 50 states right now. >> i know. >> puerto rico makes it 51. >> i know it's uneven. >> what state has to go? >> can i be honest? i think delaware. i don't know what happens there that makes a difference to anyone in the united states. >> get rid of them. you heard it. suck it, delaware. >> yes, it's the truth. >> sorry mr. vpt your home state has to go. but don't worry the territory of delaware just got itself one kickas>>
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the show. my guest tonight said he's an astro physicist and the director of haiden planetarium at the museum of natural history in new york. he said this is his book now out in paperback. i tend to believe him. please welcome back to the show neil. degrasse tyson. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jon: they love the science. >> you gotta love the science. >> jon: anything you want to say to me. maybe in the form of an apology or -- >> i noticed your new open. >> jon: what did you think of it in terms of it
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accuracy, in terms of efficacy. >> it was cheap as all get out but earth was spinning the correct direction except a little too fast. any people on it would have flung off. other than that the globe is fine. we're cool. we're cool. [ laughter ] >> jon: what does it take to satisfy you? i get it in the right direction and the speed is off! [laughter] damn you and your chronicles of fate. >> all you had to do was reverse the video. what is so hard about that? [laughter] [cheers and applause] i'm just sayin, you know? >> jon: i need make a phonecall. [ laughter ] don't -- wouldn't all the words be reversed. >> well,. >> jon: because they are all attached. we can't separate. you can't do it.
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it's all attached. >> i don't believe that. >> jon: you a man of science not wizardry, science. >> here is something interesting. >> jon: let me ask you a question. >> sure. >> jon: why are the asteroids trying to killing us -- trying to kill us? >> the universe has always tried to kill us. >> jon: why are they getting closer? >> we're noticing more and we're living on more of the surface. >> jon: the more we expand the population. the meteors have been hitting us for years but sometimes in unpopulated areas. >> most of which the surface of the earth is. >> jon: when you say it like that it makes me sound silly. [laughter] >> think of it the area of pacific. nobody lives there. and canada -- northern canada. [laughter] [cheers and applause] northern canada. most of siberia. >> jon: do you havey idea what you unleashed. the pain you brought upon us
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all. send your letters to brian williams, nbc. [ laughter ] >> here is something interesting. some of those who was gone unnoticed except in the last 10-15 years there are sensors to monitor nuclear blasts and the nuclear blast has the same sonic signature in the atmosphere as a meteor strike so now we can find them in unpopulated areas. >> jon: i noticed in the russian one they have dashboard came ranch i want one. it's great for alien abductions, you know? right? >> jon: it's not to say what the field pays but i would think you could afford a dashboard camera. you are a man of science or go to radio shack and build one. >> it's data. >> jon: do you have a drone? >> i'm not authorized to -- [laughter] >> jon: what was that? [laughter] was that a glance of people at the snrab.
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>> i may occasionally drone myself but i do not only a drone. >> jon: so no drone. do you not have a drone. what is the biggest -- what do you think will be the biggest threat to man's existence on this planet? do you believe it will be one of those asteroid events or is there something else you've been cooking up? a path again, something at the plan planetarium that you think -- where do you think this goes? >> my people have astro fizzphysicists, okay? >> jon: who by the way have suffered prejudice for too long. shouts of nerd! >> my people have been telling the world about the threat of asteroids for 30 years. once we identified the crater that was what took out dinosaurs at the tip. >> jon: land -- the.
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>> the yucatan peninsula of america coax there's a crater found by people drilling for oil. they are looking for graphational anomalies. they found a ridge a perfect circle 100 miles in diameter. the date where that came from, you look at the records they went extijt 65 million years ago. there's the smoking gun. >> jon: this is correlation causation. it was like what was that sound and they turned and ran to the same tree? i don't know. i'm just saying is it necessarily that it caused it. >> possible but unlikely. that they -- >> jon: so your saying there's a chance. >> that all dinosaurs ran into a tree and died and ran themselves exstingt. no law of physics prevents that but it's unlikely. that bursts of study of
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climate science. >> jon: when you say it like that it makes me feel stupid. >> i don't mean. >> jon: can you stick around -- for real. stick around and tell me exactly what is going to happen. >> i can so do that. >> jon: space chronicles. get a hold of it.


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