tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central March 11, 2013 6:55pm-7:25pm PDT
[laughter] keep up with out daily blog at comedy central.com/tosh.0, make sure you come see me on the tosh tour 2010, and follow me on twitter, so we can live chat during the shows. finally, the best part about having a job is talking about your co-workers behind their backs. that's why i had my fans tweet me all their office gossip in a new segment called "twispers." ryan writes, uh, "girl at corporate likes to meet and bang field managers at regional meetings." that had a lot of office jargon in it. it has to be real. >> devin says the girl in the cubical across from meadowsn't know her snatch shows twice a week. what she don't know won't hurd her. our office skank just --
that must be a mistake, because the worst-smelling taco at ponchero's still smells delicious. rob has been licking the tops of so day cans in the fridge at trader publishing. got you know, bastard. he got you, rob. >> and this guy is black, of course. he owes $10,000 in child support. just because that is really racist doesn't mean that twisper isn't accurate. pay up. see you next week. cacao! [applause] [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a rift in the gop: some deny global warming, others deny climate change.
[laughter] then, hollywood takes on gun safety. and yet they ignore how many younglings are cut down by light sabers. [laughter] and my guest, roger hodge, is editor of the oxford american magazine, which has been called the "new yorker of the south." the dogs in their cartoons don't go to psychiatrists, they go to shooting ranges. [laughter] ted nugent will attend the state of the union tonight. or as deer call it, the greatest night of their lives. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] come on! [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you very much.
, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. welcome to the broadcast. [cheers and applause] thank you so much for your love and support. you know i can't do this show without you. this show is for you. this show is to look out for what is coming in your life. [cheers and applause] and, folks, tonight i got your back, folks. as you know, tonight tonight barack-hussein obama gets to give his annual "look at me, i'm the president" speech. lop-a-doopa doo! lop-a-doopa doo! [laughter] all this stuff? it's not even in the constitution. [laughter]
obama shouldn't even be up there givinging the speech. 2012 was supposed to be the gop's year: with the economy in shambles, they thought the race was theirs to lose. and they were right. [laughter] and it's not just the presidency. the republicans also lost seats in the senate. lost the popular vote in the house. and briefly lost paul ryan in the mall. [laughter] he was supposed to hold on to his mother's hand! [laughter] they found him busting a union at the build-a-bear workshop. [laughter] but folks, the rnc, the republican national committee, is doing something about it. >> the rnc is doing a major autopsy on 2012. >> the rnc is coming up with some type of autopsy of the last election. >> you've got to do a full autopsy. >> stephen: yes, a full autopsy. which is also the republican alternative to obamacare. [laughter] to plot their path back to power, the gop recently held a three-day conference in
williamsburg, virginia, which is the perfect location, because the republican platform also re-enacts the 18th century. [laughter] they say they went there for a little self-reflection exactly what men inspired by ayn rand need-- more time thinking about themselves. [laughter] they also reached out to voters, with a web-survey asking how they can improve their messaging. and a computerized web survey is the perfect way to hear from republicans' core constituency of the extremely old. latch laugh the number one suggestion was, "hello? hello? how does this thing make toast?" [laughter] [cheers and applause] and after that, the gop crunched the numbers and figured out what
they need to change about their views toward women, immigration, and tax cuts for the rich. and the answer was-- i have it "nothing." it's a blank sheet of paper. there's nothing on here you see. according to rnc chair reince priebus-- fun fact, his name is an anagram for penis rice-a-roni-- [laughter] the gop doesn't need to change on the issues, they just need to be a party that smiles. [laughter] yes, they just need to smile. present the same core message but in a more pleasant manner. i'll show you how it works with one of their misunderstood talking points from the last election. [laughter] "if it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." [laughter]
[cheers and applause] so, republicans have got 2014 in the bag. or they would, if not for political strategist and unlanced boil karl rove. [laughter] you see, instead of joining his fellow republicans in learning nothing from the last election, karl has turned on them. >> karl rove launching an effort called the conservative victory project-- to keep less-electable conservative republicans from winning primaries. >> rove announced his new super pac aimed at crushing tea party republicans. >> our job is to win races by stopping the practice of giving away some of the seats like we did in missouri and indiana this past year. >> stephen: karl's bogus claim is that tea partiers cost republicans winnable races by backing polarizing candidates, like todd "legitimate rape"
akin, and richard "somehow even worse on rape" mourdock. [laughter] meanwhile, the manatee with the plan-atee wants the party to get behind the kind of mainstream, electable republicans he's backed like near-winner connie mack, strong runner-up linda mcmahon, so-close-but-didn't-get-it george allen, [laughter] got-his-fine-white-ass-handed-to -him scott brown, and of course that guy. [laughter] what's his name? i just ah -- blake lively!? i'm not -- [laughter] rove's already got the knives out for two tea party senate hopefuls: iowa congressman and alleged corn-packer, steve king, [laughter] and georgia congressman paul broun, who, despite being a medical doctor, said this:
>> god's word is true. i've come to understand that. all that stuff i was taught about evolution, embryology, big bang theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of hell. [laughter] >> stephen: and paul broun knows pits of hell because that is evidently where he's speaking from. [laughter] well, the tea party isn't going to take karl's new stab-you-in-the-back superpac lying down. tea party activist erick erickson says, "i dare say any candidate who gets this group's support should be targeted for destruction by the conservative movement." that's right, karl. you cross the tea party and you could end up like the last candidate they targeted for destruction barack obama. [laughter] hmm. think about it. [ laughter ]
clearly -- clearly, the republican party is tearing itself in half. i guess nobody remembers this guy, ronald reagan, the white marco rubio. [laughter] he had a little something called "the eleventh commandment." "thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow republican." that's all over now and i could mean only one thing. >> civil war. >> the president of citizens united declared the civil war has begun. >> it's full-on gop warfare. it's gop civil war. >> stephen: yes, gop civil war. of course, the first thing they'll have to fight over is which side gets the confederate flag. [laughter] so, as a conservative, i guess i have to choose sides. karl and i have had some good times, we buried that hooker. [laughter]
but deep down, my heart is with the tea party. well, maybe not my heart. what organ produces bile. gall bladder, i guess. i don't know. i believe that republicans can not wuss out here. they need to charge ahead and take even more conservative positions. forget embracing latinos, we need a program to shoot them into space. [laughter] let's give them a pathway to low orbit. gays shouldn't be allowed to marry, or vote. i for one don't want sloppy seconds on their lever-yanking. and i believe all women should have mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds before they can get a driver's license. [laughter] hey, nobody's happy with their picture anyway. now are these extreme positions? maybe.
nation, as of 8:00 eastern standard time, it appears the manhunt for california fugitive chris dorner is coming to a close. his story is yet another in a long series of tragic gun-related deaths. and so far, nothing has been done to curb our access to these deadly weapons. and hopefully, that nothing will continue. [laughter] but for those frustrated that not enough of nothing is being done, i have good news: it's a bold new initiative in arizona, where sheriff joe arpaio is sending 3,000 volunteers to patrol schools in armed posses, and the training started this weekend. >> inside this elementary school, teachers and students don't stand a chance against heavily armed gunmen. the kids cower under the tables, try to escape as teachers beg the bad guys for mercy. the volunteer posse members take the gunman down. >> stephen: wow. [laughter] arizona's got great schools. those are 8th graders, but
they're being traumatized at a 12th grade level! [laughter] now, filling our schools with gun-toting guys who have nowhere to be during work hours might give some parents pause, but rest assured, mom and dad, these volunteer posses are getting top notch training. >> these volunteer officers are running through drills run by hollywood actor steven seagal. [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: yes, steven seagal. [cheers and applause] because the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is an even worse actor. [laughter] we know hollywood violence is the real problem, therefore it's also the solution. [laughter] it's like fighting fire with fire. if your house is on fire, call an arsonist, he'll know what to do. [laughter]
but for some reason arizona democrat chad campbell called using seagal as an instructor "ludicrous." adding, "why don't we also have clint eastwood and chuck norris and bruce willis come out and train them too while we're at it?" [cheers and applause] well, come on! [cheers and applause] that is stupid. you can't have those guys. they still get work. [laughter] besides, none of these guys have lama seagal's mastery of tactical ops. >> i've put hundreds of thousands if not millions of hours into my weapons training. >> stephen: that's right, millions of hours! [laughter] now a million hours is about 115 years, which sounds crazy, but so does asking steven segal to train your posse. so it works out.
[laughter] the seagal posse is such a pre-success that arapaio's already signed on additional star power-- 1970's "the incredible hulk" star lou ferrigno and actor peter lupus of the 1960s tv series "mission: impossible. [laughter] of course, lupus is 80 now. so mission impossible is opening the lunchroom milk. [laughter] but folks, many of arpaio's posse members don't even need training. history has proven they've got extensive experience with police. >> a six-month cbs5 investigation uncovered a number of posse members with arrests for assault, drug possession, domestic violence, sex crimes against children, disorderly conduct, impersonating an officer, and the list goes on." >> stephen: wow. drug possession?
sex crimes? it takes real dedication to guard a school that you are not allowed within 500 feet of. [cheers and applause] now some people are going to get all worried about having arpaio's violent sex offenders watch their kids. no problem. he can just assemble an armed posse to protect our children from his other armed-volunteer posse. [laughter] i bet we can even get steven seagal to train that posse, too, if someone just shows up with a camera and a sweet roll. [laughter]
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the editor of "the oxford american," a magazine that explores southern culture. i believe it comes in print, online, or deep fried. please welcome roger hodge. [cheers and applause] thank you for coming on. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. >> stephen: have a seat. you are the editor of "the oxford american." here is the magazine right here. it's called the new yorker of south. >> i've heard that. >> stephen: have you heard that. i said it earlier in the show so you might have heard it from me. [laughter] why do you think people call it the new yorker of the south. what is it that -- the new
yorker is high florida lawsuitent. >> i don't know why. the new yorker comes every week and piles up. and according to some people no one reads it. [ laughter ] >> stephen: how often do you put out this thing? >> quarterly. so you have time to read it. >> stephen: you have to work really hard to let it pile up. [ laughter ] >> exactly. exactly. >> stephen: why is it called "oxford american"? that sounds english to me. >> it does, but there's a place in mississippi called oxford, mississippi, and that's where it was founded. >> stephen: faulkner, right? >> fawmer in country, right. >> stephen: are you going for a fawmer in vibe here? does the magazine come with cliff notes because -- >> we can arrange that. >> stephen: too many names. >> there are a lot of names. the idea was to explore and celebrate and really get lost nm southern culture. >> stephen: i'm a southern
boy. >> you are? >> stephen: i'm from charleston, south carolina. >> which is north from where we sit [audience boos] >> stephen: sir, all roads lead north from charleston. where are you from? >> del rio, texas. >> stephen: no mean to burst your bubble but texas is a great place, but if you are from the real south -- [cheers and applause] -- texas is texas. ask someone from texas they'll tell you from texas. they'll say i'm from texas not the south it's true. >> it's true. >> stephen: it is true. i accept your apology. >> texas is unique and most southerners would like to expel texas from the south. i understand why because texas is in some ways the most extremely southern. >> stephen: it's too big of a weight. it's got too much of the own flavor that isn't the south
flavor. for instance, beef barbecue ribs, abomb minimummation. >> a degree. it has to be the pig. >> stephen: slow smoked pig. thank god. >> gotta be the pig. >> stephen: we're cool with each other. >> and even better it would be a louisiana pulled pork made into a patty and seared. that's the ultra. >> stephen: it should be pulled pork and served with a mustard sauce like s.c. >> like south carolina, right. >> stephen: we'll fight latter. we'll stab each other. >> okay. >> stephen: one of reasons i wanted to have you on the show is because you talk to people not from the south and they think everybody from the south is change change -- everybody is like [speaking quickly in southern twang] >> exactly. that's it. >> stephen: there's smart
folk. beautiful, beautiful literature from the south that i have never read. [laughter] >> not just literature. >> stephen: what are people missing by thinking the south is a bunch of pig farmers. >> there are pig farmers but it's also a place of great literature and music. this issue is dedicated to the music of louisiana which is some of the greatest in the union. jazz was born in the south. the blues, had a baby, it's name was rock 'n' roll. it was born and raised in the south. >> stephen: what was it about the south that was so different that allowed for jazz and blues and rock 'n' roll. there was some pa cuellar institution that made that possible. >> yes. and out after this tragedy is slavery we have given -- we have received the gift great culture. because the fusion of