Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 14, 2013 1:30am-2:00am PDT

1:30 am
does he want to be rewarded on a mainstream level? do you think that is there? >> it's hard to know. i think he's obviously interested in his legacy. he is redefining what a vice president does after his administration -- >> jon: he had this whole thing that he exists in the vapors of our government. it was crazy. >> it was a whole new way of seeing the role both in office and afterwards. he has written a book, he is writing another book. how history sees him. >> jon: was there any moment of insecurity that you saw? does these pants make me look fat? anything like that? >> moments talking about his youth and when he went off -- >> jon: we'll talk about that. can you stick around? >> jon: that's our show.h 15.
1:31 am
1:32 am
1:33 am
1:34 am
1:35 am
here it is your moment zen. >> your job is to keep him under control this morning. >> if he runs captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!
1:36 am
'] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. >> stephen: good to have you withus. [cheers and applause] thank so folks. glad you are with me he [laughter] because it's march 6th and it is still winter. [laughter] a massive storm is sweeping the country, so i hope you're bundled up somewhere warm, surrounded by your loved ones. particularly your slow moving, well-marbled loved ones. [laughter] you never know. now, this year the weather channel has taken to naming all the winter storms, they're calling this one winter storm saturn. personally, i would have gone with uranus because that's where they are pulling these names from. [laughter]
1:37 am
besides, the rest of the media has a much better name for the storm. >> the dreaded "s" word, snowquester. >> snowquester. >> snowquester. >> snowquester. >> snowquester, right? > they're calling it snowquester which i think is great. >> isn't that cute? i think it's cute. [laughter] >> stephen: it is cute. and deadly. [laughter] of course, the snowquester is a combination of snow and the sequester. nation, i think this fantastic and ridiculous. or, fantasticulous. [laughter] we should name all of our weather events after what kind they are plus whatever people are talking about on television at the time.
1:38 am
today, a washington is blanketed in the snowquester, tomorrow, a storm covers new york in drone-cicles. [laughter] or a freak blizz-ardashian. as we speak oklahoma is still suffering the effects of pope bene-drought the 16th? [laughter] i mean, isn't that cute? [cheers and applause] kind of cute. anyway, i think that's cute over to you stephen. thanks, steve! [laughter] nation, no one is a bigger fan of the civil rights movement than yours truly. i even attended 1963's historic march on washington-- and this is true-- while still in my mother's womb. [laughter] i'll never forget martin luther king's stirring words. [heartbeat sounds] [muffled voice]
1:39 am
[laughter] that's why i'm personally invested in a challenge to the 1965 voting rights act now before the supreme court. that's right. the law that banned the silencing of african americans is finally coming before our nation's foremost silent african-american. [laughter] of course, before the voting rights act black people were regularly kept from voting with roadblocks like literacy tests, poll taxes, and "you must be this white to vote" signs. [laughter] now that law is being challenged in the supreme court by shelby county, alabama. they argue that the law is unfair, because it applies only to states with histories of racial discrimination: alabama, arizona, georgia, louisiana, mississippi, south carolina, texas, parts of carolina, texas, virginia, and alaska, which has a sad history of discriminating against its african american population brian. [laughter] good guy.
1:40 am
[ laughter ] he's a good guy. [laughter] but there's one key reason to strike this act down, as shelby -- there's one reason to get rid of this law as shelby county lawyer bert rein explained to the court. >> the problem to which the voting rights act was addressed is solved. >> stephen: you heard it, folks: racism is solved! jimmy, drop the fully integrated balloons! [cheers and applause] we overcame it! whoo! [cheers and applause] look at that! [cheers and applause] look at that! look at that! [cheers and applause] wow. [cheers and applause] wow, i must have missed the moment when racism ended. i wonder when it was? the time ross dated aisha tyler on "friends"?
1:41 am
[laughter] or when keebler added a black elf? [laughter] oh, i know, it must have been when they made slavery illegal in mississippi all the way back in four weeks ago. [laughter] [ applause ] in fact, we're living in such a post-racial utopia that we couldn't suppress black votes even if we wanted to! which we definitely don't. [laughter] luckily conservative stalwart and justice-the-hutt antonin scalia knows that the courts have to decide this, because even though racism is over, america's elected representatives lack the bicameral ball sack to vote against this thing. >> i am fairly confident it will be reenacted in perpetuity unless-- unless a court can say
1:42 am
it does not comport with the constitution. it's-- it's a concern that this is not the kind of a question you can leave to congress. even the name of it is wonderful: the voting rights act. who is going to vote against that in the future? >> stephen: yes, you'd have to be an a-hole to vote against that in the future! luckily, we've got an a-hole who will vote against it in the present. [laughter] the point is, the voting rights [cheers and applause] -- the voting rights act is obsolete it's like an old restraining order. these states are just saying, "yes, i used to beat my girlfriend, but i haven't since the restraining order. so we don't need it anymore!" [laughter] [cheers and applause] here to celebrate this milestone in equality live via satelite is one of the founders of the student non-violent coordinating committee, chairman emeritus of the naacp and civil rights pioneer julian bond.
1:43 am
[cheers and applause] thank you so much. >> pleasure to be here. >> stephen: now that racial discrimination is over what do you plan on doing with your free time? take pottery classes, hot yoga? >> i don't believe that racial discrimination is over. in fact, if anything it's increased during the period when barack obama has been president. >> stephen: sorry, excuse me, sir, when the black president was president racism got worse? that doesn't really make any sense. >> yes, did it. >> stephen: how is that possible he is black. >> exactly so and his presence angered people who accused accuf him of being president while black. >> stephen: he is guilty of being president while black, you admit that? >> yes, he is. luckily the numbers of people who don't like it are small but
1:44 am
the fact that they exist is upsetting. >> stephen: now that the supreme court it's people in black robes it's people in progress. >> it's step -- it's not a step forward but you know, i am sure you are talking about the statements made by justice scalia. he is the rush limbaugh of the supreme court. says inappropriate things over and over again most recently about the voting rights act. >> stephen: yes, it's not a necessity a racial entitlement. >> it's not an entitlement to be able to vote without discrimination. it's something all americans expect to have. >> stephen: can we even remember who was denying voting rights to whom? >> of course we can. i'm old enough to remember. >> stephen: i can't. >> you lived in south carolina. south carolina was a major offender and so a certain degree, much less so now, south carolina is an offender now.
1:45 am
>> stephen: i don't remember being discriminated in south carolina. >> the point is that you were not discriminated in south carolina. >> stephen: i accept your apoll by. >> black people in s.c. were discriminated against. >> stephen: what is wrong with a little voter intimidation? doesn't it make the voter hungrier with the right to vote? it's like the right to vote is playing hard to get. it's exciting. it's a poll tease. >> oddly enough the attempts by republicans to make it difficult for racial are notes to vote in the last election spurred more to the polls than were expected to good there. >> stephen: you've got georgia roots, clarence thomas has georgia roots. how come you see it so differently? >> justice thomas and i have lived different lives and drawn different lessons from the lives we've lived. he thinks this way and i think that way and i'm right. >> stephen: you are right. okay. once it's not happening anymore shouldn't you let the law go?
1:46 am
for instance, we don't have slavery anymore. shouldn't we get rid of the 13th amendment. doesn't seem necessary. [ laughter ] >> i'm glad it's there. >> stephen: okay. >> because it would have affected me fit weren't. >> stephen: that's assuming that people would want to enslave african-americans again and it's a little prejudicial. >> there would be people eager to do so. luckily their numbers are not great and they don't seem to have much power. >> stephen: we're not going to enslave african-americans, sir, we have mexican nows. >> indeed. i'm glad the mexicans are glad to hear that. >> stephen: mr. bond thank you for joining me. good luck voting he
1:47 am
1:48 am
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much, folks. ladies and gentlemen -- [cheers and applause] you know what they say? there is absolutely no such
1:49 am
thing as a free lunch. so there might be, after i shamelessly plug delicious lunchables like the name says they are able to be lunch this is thought for food. nation, nowhere is the nanny-state more rampant than new york city, where mayor bloom-jerk-- trademark-- has been curtailing food freedoms. first, he banned trans-fats, then he put calorie counts on menus, and now starting on march 12th, you won't be allowed to order a 2-liter soda with your pizza delivery. that's a lot less weight to carry for the delivery guy, who is the only person in this scenario getting any exercise. [laughter] bloomberg is acting like americans can't control what goes into their own mouths. well, he's wrong-- we can control our mouths. or at least snack food
1:50 am
scientists can. [laughter] because last week "the new york times" reported that the nacho-industrial complex has discovered something called "the bliss point," an addictive combination of flavors that create the greatest amount of crave. [laughter] it's the most ambitious project in food science since america put a man on a beanbag chair, and gave him a tube of cookie dough. [laughter] it was one small nap for man. no steps at all of any kind. [laughter] [cheers and applause] a recent breakthrough is that doritos has developed a complex formula that piques the taste buds enough to be alluring without a distinct, overriding single flavor that tells the brain to stop eating. yes, doritos has engineered chips so that you keep shoveling
1:51 am
them in your mouth without ever feeling satisfied. which explains their new flavor: blazin buffalo bottomless pit of unfulfilled longing. [laughter] [cheers and applause] now, this kind of flavor-based behavior modification may work on your casual snacker, but no snack company is gonna make me their bitch. [laughter] so screw the bliss point! i'm going to prove to the world, and mayor bloomberg, that i can eat a single tostito scoop. [cheers and applause] jim, snack music please. ♪ ♪ you are the best
1:52 am
♪ you know what, i'm in such control here, i will choose to have one more scoop. [laughter] they are scoops. i'll have it with some dip. hit it, jimmy. ♪ you are the best ♪ -x]
1:53 am
1:54 am
1:55 am
1:56 am
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an artist who does impressionis. for wal-mart shoppers. his painteddings cost $6.99 for a pack of six. please welcome brendan o'connell. [cheers and applause] mr. o'connell thank you for coming on. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: you are an american painter traditionally trained. >> more or less. >> stephen: more or less. let's say more. all right. [ laughter ] you capture themes of every day life and you've chosen to paint scenes from wal-mart. >> i started painting wal-marts
1:57 am
eight years ago. >> stephen: did they know? >> well -- >> stephen: let show the people what i mean. jim, put up one of these. it's hard to explain. >> okay. >> stephen: that's one of your paintings? what inspired you to paint a rack of jif? >> i just kind of liked the colors, patterns shapes. i've been painting wal-mart for about eight years and watching people and going in and photographing and they kept asking me to leave. >> jon: were you going in there with an easeel? >> i was going with a came are and i would take pictures of the environment and then they said if you continue do that you are going to have to leave. >> stephen: so you are not allowed to take photos in wal-mart. >> most retail environments don't allow to you take photos? >> jon: why? >> i don't know if they think they are losing trade secrets.
1:58 am
>> stephen: yeah, you can't let out how these are stacked. [laughter] this reminds me immediately of course of like andy warhol's soup can but it was a singular object. it was like objetdar and had a synthetic subjectiveness. this has an aggressive quality that turns pop art into consumer art. now if -- does what i just said mean anything? >> not necessarily but -- [laughter] >> stephen: good because i was just -- [cheers and applause] i was just grabbing words out of the air there. >> what i think is interesting is we have a relationship to brands. i like the view of the world pushing the cart and out of the corner of your eyes five miles per hour you see a blurred vision of the world. >> stephen: there's my black
1:59 am
diamond smoked almond that's my brand. >> you get minimal information and people know exactly what you are representing. >> stephen: let's go to the next one here, james. all right, what is this? >> this is the check out aisle of the north bergen, new jersey, wal-mart. >> stephen: that's a good one. >> that's a good one. [laughter] this is when they allowed me to have a feteo shoot there and his a cherry picker and professional photographer and we photographed this thing. what i like about this is you give minimal amount of information. this whole exercise was trying to put as little paint on the canvas. >> stephen: it's an impressionist version of a parade. >> they were painting in paris and i feel like i'm painting the aisles of wal-mart. >> stephen: let's go to the next one here. now -- is everyone who shops at


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on