tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central March 19, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PDT
coach of the new york football giants. [cheers and applause] well, i'm looking forward to it. [ laughter ] here it is your moment of zen. >> republicans say that kicking the can down the road. it's not kick -- i don't think they are kicking the can down >> stephen: tonight, pope benedict's last day in office.
he will now just be the vessel through which god watches game shows all day. [ laughter ] can anyone stop the sequester? come on asteroid! my guest jon favreau is president obama's longtime speechwriter csm we nail him? yes, we can. girls gone wild has filed for bankruptcy. maybe those girls should have gone business school. this is "the colbert report". ["the colbert report" theme music pl captioning sponsored 1# comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen]
[cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. when you chant my name like that, you make me feel one toke over the line. [ laughter ] the top story tonight has to be the dramatic news coming from the world's most powerful religious leader pat robertson. [ laughter ] you know, in a world full of war and poverty and moral decay, pat is willing to confirm the eternal questions. on monday he did it again. >> this is kerry who says i buy a lot of clothes and other items at goodwill and other secondhand shops. my mom told me i needed to pray over the items, bind familiarñi
spirits anpiñiçó bless the items before i come into the house. can demons attach themselves to material items. >> can demonic experience attach themselves to inanimate objects the answer is yes but i don't think every sweater you get from goodwill has demons in it. >> stephen: not every sweater, just the v-necks, all right. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] that's why tonight i'm issuing a stephen colbert consumer alert. folks, i want you to heed pat robertson's warning because there's a good chance the items you buy at goodwill are possessed by demons. everybody knows evil spirits are suckers for rayon slacks,
broken blenders and classic albums like ken by request. you need toll purify your secondhandçó clothing.ñi thankfully many secondhand clothing manufacturers print detailed demon banishing instructions on the tag along with a series of symbols no one understands. see if we have one on in a shirt right here. okay, to cast out lucifer and all of hisñi minions, always wah in cold, tumble dry low. very important. heat just sets the dealon -- demon. avoid rinsing out your wife's demons. most can't go in the dryer and hanging over the chairback is hell. you want to pretreat your domon go. forth and purge your garments
america, in nomine wooliteet snugglebear santi. [laughter] in a related story, folks, the world is now in uncharted theological territory because we're officially popeless. we've been disenpopenated. >> we've undergone açó popeecto, pope goes the weasel. [laughter] during his last day, the artist formerly known as pope tendered his resignation, said his personal farewells and as with all departing popes, the vatican
raised his vestments to the rafters. [cheers and applause] of course, this whole past week has been a bit of a whirlwind. he delivered his final sermon which includedñi controversial remarks. >> he experienced moments of great joy and great difficulty when he felt the lord was sleeping. >> stephen: excuseñr me, god does not sleep. he has to stay awake all the time to catch you masturbating. all right. read your catechism. [ laughter ] so on this momentous night, i want to say thank you pope benedict for your leadership of my faivment you've done the lord's work with honor integrity. that's enough about what is his pope. let's talk about who is the next top pontiff. nobody, not even the vatican tayeor knows the -- tailor knows
the answer. >> whoever is the chosen the tailors will have his garments ready. because they don't know they make three size. >> stephen: yes, they make three vestment sizes. of course, theñi robes they dont use are sent to the same place as losing super bowl champion t-shirtz. [cheers and applause] but there are certain favorites to be the next pope. according to the irishñr gamblig web site paddy power is cardinal peter turkson of ghana leading the pack at 3-1. that makes sense. the church is in a mess right now and they always give the crabby cleanup job to the black guy. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] the irish betting parlors are
not only ones makingñr green on bye bye benny. since this is the first time the pope retired in 700 years we're seeing something truly historic, pope souvenir blowout sales. that's right. that's right, folks. if you act now, you'll get ben ben -- benedict xvi merchandise at the lower prices. we have to try to sell the items with his picture at discount because in a faw weeks pilgrims and tourists will want gift and momentos with the new pope. you no, i kids want the most up to date merchandise like popemon.
gotta bless them all. there's a ton of old pope benedict merchandise to move. pope plates, t-shirts, baseball hats, even small pieces of red carpet he walked on when he visited minimum mince ster cathedral in 2010. for everybody who has been wondering about the pope, yes, the carpet matches the shoes. [laughter] [cheers and applause] and evidently the sales pitch is work. >> religious memorabilia sales sky rocketing in vatican city. rosaries with the pope's picture are the best selling item they have. you can get your pope benedict 16th stuff right now, folks. >> stephen: get it right now, folks as jesus said in matthew 21:13 look for the souvenir stalls past money changers, you can't i i i i
sequestration. we all know what that means. what does that mean? [laughter] >> march 1 an automatic across the board spending cutñr will ht the federal budget. economists are worried it will trigger a recession. >> it means cutting $85 billion a year half from the pentagon, half from nondefense programs. everything from education to national parks to meals on wheels. $1.2 trillion in cuts over ten years. >> stephen: yeah, but it won't be that bad because there's no way america is going to last ten years. we have two tops. [laughter] obama is trying to scare us into responsible behavior. >> thousands of teachers and educators will be laid off. air traffic controllers and airport security will see cutbacks which means more delays at airports across the country. emergency responders, their ability to help communities respond to and recover from disasters will be degraded.
federal prosecutors have to close cases and let criminals go. >> stephen: don't believe him nation, obama is trying to convince us the sequester is a terrible problem when in fact it's a terrible solution. it was born back in 2011 when obama wanted to raise the debt ceiling. the amount that america can borrow to pay its bills. it's sort of like raising the credit limit on your visa to pay off your mastercard if you had used your mastercard to pay for two trillion-dollar wars. but -- listen, wait. [cheers and applause] they were worth it because now we can use all the free miles to go to the next war. [cheers and applause] but the republicans -- but the republicans would only raise the debt ceiling if the president promised later spending cuts. if those were not passed by an arbitrary date, it would trigger
the sequester, a doomsday scenario designed to cripple programs that both sides love. the democrats would see damaging reductions in education, national parks, vaccination programs, food inspection, even the national zoo while republicans would see cuts to everything they hold dear like the military. [laughter] the point is -- [cheers and applause] -- if the two sides failed to come to a compromise in march 2013 would come in likeñi a lion and go out like a lion loose from the unguarded national zoo. it was a good plan as long as one of the sides didn't forget that it was a horrible plan. >> you know, look, we're talking about $85 billion.ñi we borrow $85 billion every three days.
this is three tenths of 1% of g.d.p. it's two cents on the dollar. >> the federal government is highly inefficient. it could use a 5% or 10% cut. >> stephen: that is a courageous stance by rudy giuliani. that eliminate only 280,000 jobs, none of which are his. in retrospect, we should have seen this failgrg coming. it's just like the story from the bible and lo king salomon said if i cannot agree whose baby this is i'll cut it in half and one mom said, great, half a baby. probably less work anyway if you get the top half new york diapei changes. [laughter] but, foarkzage think the know why the sequester is not working because juz doesn't effect congress. the salaries of senators and representatives do not get cut.
[audience oohs] it's like a lone shark saying if you don't pay up he's going to break your neighbor's legs. no skin off their nose. also, he is taking your neighbor's nose but that doesn't mean it was a bad idea. remember, the government that governs best is one that forces itself to either make tough zoirgses suffer unimagineibly horrible consequences. i believe it was jefferson who said that or jigsaw. therefore, to prevent the next crisis we need a worst scenario. i say we social security spend a -- suspend a monkey above the floor of congress, an ebola monkey and then smear each
hey, thank you so much. thanks for coming on. >> nice to be here. >> stephen: can i call you jon. >> you can call me jon. all right call me mr. colbert. >> stephen: you were outgoing writer of speeches for president obama. you worked for him as a senator and candidate. >> yes. >> stephen: how old are you? >> 31. >> stephen: you are 31 so you were working for him when you were 23. >> 23. >> stephen: and your previous job before this was -- please use the words fry station, please. >> i was a speechwriter for john kerry in his 2004 campaign. >> stephen: obama stole you. >> he didn't steal me. the campaign ended in 2004. john kerry did not win. >> stephen: what? >> spoiler alert. >> stephen: then you started working for the president? >> i did. >> stephen: were you involved in the 2004 speech he did atñr e convention?
you wrote a lot of his speeches after that. >> i did. >> stephen: that's kind of heart breaking because not only does the guy use a prompter he is not writing the words in the prompter. please, please tell me he at least flies air force one. >> he does not. but he writes a lot of his own speeches. we worked together. it's a collaborative process. >> stephen: kind of, guys like you, you and the president same level. [ laughter ] now, what is the process like? do you say mr. president, i have things that i think would be go to say or does he say you know what i'm thinking teachersers ae good and hope is good and let's make things better, socialize medicine put some lipstick on the pig. what is the process? >> sit down with him he speaks what is on his mind for 20, 30 minutes i type everything he says. after we're done meeting i go back and write a draft with my
team, other speechwriters. we talk to the different policy folks in the white house, everyone who has a stake on the speech. >> stephen: everybody gets there two cents. do they say that's my turf don't describe it that way? >> you get a little of that. everyone we work with is wonderful. >> stephen: sure. of course. every place anyone works is fantastic. you are free now, you are gone, you are done. >> i have one more day. >> stephen: (bleep) i booked you 24 hours too early because baby it's time to dish. you are a young guy, why doesn't the president's speeches have more young language like obama care is awesome sauce. >> i try keep this out. the president has a good feel for what he wants to say on any given speech. we're there to help him get it down on paper.
he spends a lot of time writing it him is. we'll go back and forth. he will take yellow legal pads and sit there and write longhand until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning and send us back six or seven pages. >> stephen: anything you wrote broke your heart that didn't make it in? >> there's lines that you think o you know. when he sends you back edits he writes in the best part of the speech, the most authentic speech and that gets it. >> stephen: i don't always agree per se. but his speeches are often very long and more words is always better. >> always. >> stephen: there's not like little phrases, catch phrases like ask not what your country, or nothing to fear but fear itself or where is the beef? you know. [ laughter ] where is hiss where the beef? is there -- where is his where's
the beef? is there a phrase? >> in his 2004 convention speech which was the speech that launched his national career. why i liked it so much and we talked about this is because it told a story from beginning to end and told a story about his life and how it fit into the larger american story and how there are values we all share. when we sit down with a speech, we don't -- we think less about the lines or what is quoted and what we make sure most of saul we're telling a story from beginning to end and that there's a logical argument in the speech. that's how he speaks and thinks. we try to reflect that. >> stephen: the race speech from philadelphia during the campaign of 2008. i called a friend after i heard that speech and i said, you know, the thing that i liked about that is that i felt like unlike a lot of politicians i think i actually heard that guy