tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central April 3, 2013 9:30am-10:00am PDT
[cheers and applause] welcome to the report begun everybody. [cheers and applause] good to have you with us. in here, out there, nation -- [cheers and applause] thank you for that greeting. ladies and gentlemen, please, if you know -- if you want this show -- watch this show on a daily basis, you know i couldn't do it without you. you are the rock on which i stand. [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you, please. thank you for the support. i would be nothing without you except rich and famous. [cheers and applause] nation, you know on this show every "nightly business report" after night for seven and a half years now i try to defend the moral for tres that is america. [cheers and applause] but these are dark times for opponents of same-sex marriage. not only is it an abomination against god's law, but i never get invited.
[laughter] it looked like so much fun. they had a beach wedding and a shrimp fountain. i look great in beige linen. [laughter] last week the supreme court heard arguments in two different gay marriage cases, which they won't rule on until june. wedding season! [laughter] and you know the supremes love weddings. they're already in matching bridesmaid's dresses. if they rule in favor of gay marriage, they will be ignoring sound legal arguments against it. like "eww." [laughter] and also this one: georgia gop chairwoman sue everhart, who recently told the marietta daily journal that, quote, "lord, i'm going to get in trouble over this, but it is not natural for two women or two men to be married. if it was natural, they would have the equipment to have a sexual relationship."
[laughter] [audience boos] no, it's true. it's true: two men and two women don't have the equipment to have sex. i've seen videos on the internet where they try for hours and hours, but they just end up all sweaty and exhausted. [laughter] it's sad. sad. [ laughter ] so if they can't have a sexual relationship, what's it really all about? everhart knows it's not about marriage. it's not about gay rights. it's not even about gay people. this is about heterosexual fraud. she says, "you may be as straight as an arrow, and you may have a friend that is as straight as an arrow. say you had a great job with the government where you had this wonderful health plan. i mean, what would prohibit you from saying that you're gay, and y'all get married and still live as separate, but you get all the benefits? there is no way that this is about equality.
to me, it's all about a free ride." [laughter] yes. a free ride. this entire battle about marriage equality has really been about straight men, trying to get free healthcare. [laughter] because if there's one thing i know about straight guys, it's that they will jump at the chance for their peers to think they might be gay. [laughter] [cheers and applause] no, they love it. they love it. [cheers and applause] of course, two straight guys getting married for benefits isn't a new scheme, it was blown wide open in the explosive documentary "i now pronounce you chuck and larry." [laughter] i certainly hope mrs. everhart continues her in-depth research to expose other schemes, like adults sneaking back into third grade to get free lunch. [laughter] or the epidemic of israeli agents infiltrating our vulnerable salon industry. [laughter]
stay vigilant. nation, i've never understood the expression "i hate to say i told you so." because i love to say i told you so! and guess what: i told you so. [laughter] now, for years, people have laughed at my "cold war update", sounding the alarm against the red meance. [laughter] sure russia may have evolved into an economic ally full of bloodthirsty oligarchs, and the chinese are now trading partners. we sell them our national debt in exchange for artistically-posed prison corpses. [laughter] but communism is like the blob. as long as there's one little piece left, it can come back to attack at any time. and that piece of commie blob is this piece of commie blob. jim? [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> a new threat from north korea.
has tensions escalating. >> the tensions are soaring yet again on the korean peninsula, getting hotter by the day. >> north korea steps up its nuclear threat. >> north korean officials scrapped the armistice that has created nearly 60 years of peace with south korea. >> now north korea is declaring it null and void. >> stephen: the armistice is null and void. ladies and gentlemen, that means we are at war. what? no, no. [ laughter ] no, jimmy not afghanistan. the new war. ♪ ♪ we are at war [cheers and applause]
you see, the korean war was only "suspended," and now the cease-fire's been torn up by kim, so korean war veterans off the jazzy, grandpa! duty calls. [laughter] and folks, this isn't some war on terror. this is a real war against a nation with an army, wearing uniforms we recognize, and hats so big they do you believe as -- they double as soup tureens. that is if they had any soup. and led by a real live tyrannical madman, who is propping up his regime by ordering his diplomats to become drug dealers in embassies around the world, providing them with "state-manufactured high-quality meth" and instructing them "to raise $300,000" each. [laughter] it is just like the girl scouts raising money by selling thin mints, except crystal meth is less addictive. [laughter] now -- [cheers and applause]
folks, kim jong un-reasonable [laughter] has been pushed to the brink by the latest u.n. sanctions against his country. evidently, they embargoed the last two products you could sell to north korea: non-shiny pebbles and bob seger cassettes. [laughter] not that the dprk doesn't have technology. just look at this recent photo of the dear leader with north korea's version of the ipad. [laughter] now he can play minesweeper on the computer, instead of his old way, by sending peasants into a field. [laughter] make no mistake, folks. and make no mistake kim jong un is determined to strike within the united states. >> the fiery rhetoric coming from the north, korea's young leader has been picking up speed in recent weeks. it's not just seoul in the crosshairs. pyongyang says it is targeting u.s. cities including austin, texas.
>> stephen: yes, austin, texas. no surprise-- kim jong un is a sworn enemy of the south by southwest festival. [laughter] i mean -- [cheers and applause] i have managed to obtain this footage. >> (translated) it's just gotten so commercial lately. i saw wilco play this tiny club in '95 and it was awesome, but these days it feels like they've sold out. i say let's turn austin into a desolate wasteland like houston. [laughter] >> stephen: so, will north korea attack america? or will we bomb them forward into the stone age? who can say? here to say is georgetown university professor and author of "the impossible state," victor cha. mr. cha, thank you so much for joining me. [cheers and applause] you wrote the book on the regime
here in north korea "the impossible state." should i actually be frightened of what is happening in north korea? is it like ah he's crazy or ahhh he's crazy? >> i think it's a little of both. on the one hand he has done a lot of weird things over the past year that look harmless but on the other hand they are developing weapons, long range missiles, nuclear weapons and trying to develop a capability to reach the united states. they can't do that right now but they want to do that and there's nothing stopping them. >> stephen: what is their end game? they would have to know we would turn night a parking lot if they attacked us? right? >> yes. >> stephen: and if we did, could we tell? >> they understand that and for that reason they've been deterred from starting another war but if they have nuclear weapons they can do things like proliferate them to others, sell them like they sell other weaponry and coerce other
nations by using the threat of being the newest nuclear weapon state to get what they want. >> stephen: is the idea that the united states is the enemy of north korea is that general throughout the north korean population or just from the leader? >> it's everybody. children are taught from a young age the americans are the enemy. they are taught to count to count two plus two dead americans equals four dead americans. they are taught from an early age. the identity is that the united states and south korea are the enemy. >> stephen: can't chinese help us out here? they know if anything happens to us, they'll never get their money back. [ laughter ] >> that is true and the chinese have the most leverage. they are the only country that gives food and fuel and any sort of assistance to north korea. the problem is the north koreans know this.
they know china doesn't want north korea to collapse. they kind of have china by the you know whats? >> stephen: i don't know what. what do they have them by. >> by the chopsticks, if you will. and so for this reason -- [cheers and applause] >> stephen: what do you think they want from us? >> they want food, they want money, they want energy assistance, all of things that were part of the previous two agreements that the united states did in 1994. >> stephen: isn't this like a kid acting up. shouldn't we just tough love. let them cry it out. what is the worse that the could happen? >> i think that's what the obama administration is doing right now. they have said we're not talking until they behave better and in the meantime they are ramping up the military equation on the peninsula in the hopes that the north koreans realize if they don't know where the red line is
we'll draw it for them with the b-2's and f-22's we've been sending. >> stephen: is there any chance we're going to war with north korea? >> i don't think we're going to war. >> stephen: i would sign up in a minute i just want to know. >> they are not going to attack south korea again in 1950 -- like they did in 1950. this fellow kim doesn't know where the edge is. he pushes to the edge but he doesn't know where it is. he could fall over it and we end up in an inadvertent escalation. >> stephen: if we go to war, would you come back and watch me play your prediction that there wouldn't be one? [laughter] >> sure. >> stephen: victor cha, the book is "the impossible state." we'll be right back. thank you. [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, i don't know about you, but i've been dismayed by the number of states chillaxing their marijuana laws. just this past november, ballot initiatives legalizing recreational marijuana passed in colorado and washington with broad support. [cheers and applause] yeah, yeah, don't worry we'll stop them. [ laughter ] thankfully, one state is trying
to weed out the problem. [laughter] jim? >> a florida bill that would outlaw the sale of bongs is passing a house subcommittee. under that bill, any retailer that sells the pipes used for smoking marijuana would be charged. >> stephen: sorry, sunshine state stoners. if you want to get high in florida, you'll have to get a prescription like everyone else. [laughter] under house bill 49, it will be a first-degree misdemeanor to sell metal, wooden, acrylic, glass, stone, plastic, or ceramic smoking pipes. [laughter] with or without screens, permanent screens, or punctured metal bowls, water pipes, carburetion tubes and devices. -- chamber pipes, carburetor pipes, electric pipes, air-driven pipes, chillums, bongs, ice pipes or chillers. [laughter] folks, this is a comprehensive list of mellows that have been harshed.
[laughter] but i'm disappointed. this bill doesn't even begin to cover the things stoners can use as paraphernalia: apples, soda cans, water bottles, honey bears, aluminum foil, traffic cones, empty ice cream pints. [cheers and applause] stoners are like macguyver. they can turn any household item into a bong -- and then spend the afternoon watching "macguyver." [laughter] i'm telling you. listen to me, folks -- don't put anything past these doobie do-it-yourselfers. equipped with a stinky nug and no pipe, there is nothing they cannot shall excuse me, what are you doing done there? [cheers and applause] >> sorry man, is this your shoe?
-- and a current guest on my show please welcome, jim mcgreevey. >> pleasure. >> stephen: nice to see you. i do still call you governor. >> jim is good. >> stephen: gov jim thanks for coming on, you know? i didn't know whether i would ever have you on my show because you had a spectacular fall, okay? >> yes. >> stephen: you were the governor of new jersey 2004. you came out and said i am a gay american on live tv, shocked a ton of people. now you are the subject of a new documentary called "fall to grace." on heebo. we'll get to the name in a moment. hbo, are there dragons in this? >> limited. >> stephen: any dragons will do. why "fall to grace." it's fall from grace. you had a fall from grace. you were a powerful man in a
normative relationship, sorry and suddenly you weren't and you aren't. >> i think the basis of the title is that i was in a place of egos, a place of self. >> stephen: of course, you were in politics. >> exactly. [ laughter ] and now i'm in a place where hopefully i'm being of service to the women with whom i work. >> stephen: that's the thing. you are working with female prisoners in jails -- prisons in your home state of new jersey. >> yes. >> stephen: what are you doing for these people? >> stephen about 70% of people in jail or in prison are addicts. what we're trying to do is to provide treatment so that they begin treatment while they are behind bars and they continue that treatment when they get out. >> stephen: what do you know about prison? did you go to jail?
>> no, no. i used to be a prosecutor. >> stephen: to you put a lot of people in jail. >> that was the goal. >> stephen: do these women that you are the guy who didn't pardon them? >> they probably do. they also know i'm the guy when resigned. but the idea is that we can reclaim all of these womens' lives. i work with them spiritually and try to develop a set of values in their lives. >> stephen: is this a christian thing? >> it's a spiritual thing. >> stephen: what do you have against christians? >> haip to be one but it's all about -- judaism, islam, it's christianity, hinduism it's all understanding that we are to follow our godly nature. >> stephen: but jesus said visit the people in the jaicialg right? >> he did. >> stephen: you said visit the people in the jail you are visiting me. did you ever see the women and they say you are my jesus? >> in many cases i believe they are as good as what jesus meant
for us to be. >> stephen: what? you are saying jesus say criminal? jesus is an addict? your words, sir. >> he clearly was a criminal to the roman authorities. >> stephen: sure, sure that was rome though. are you saying americans are romans? >> no, i'm saying we have the wrong attitude towards incarcerated people. i would suggest if 70% of the people behind bars are addicts we would do far better off for treating them for addiction when which is the cause of criminal behavior as opposed to allowing them to languish behind bars streench three strike your out. don't listen to this. [cheers and applause] , many of these people are addicts in the audience. you were tough on crime. >> that was me. and now, hopefully i'm educated by virtue of having worked with these women and realize that they started from a very different place than i did.
>> stephen: did you think about guys like david vitter. >> yes. >> stephen: or bill clinton. >> yes. >> stephen: who had heterosexual scandals and maintained their political career and yet you had a homosexual and couldn't maintain your career. is the new gay rights struggle the right to have a gay scandal and remain in politics? >> i think that's probably on the edge of the civil rights -- i don't think it's a pry maury concern right now. >> stephen: jim, we're going to get there. thank you so much jim mcgreevey, "fall to grace" k+k+qi$a x45