tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central May 6, 2013 7:25pm-7:56pm PDT
from comedy central's word news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ). captioning sponsored by comedy central jon welcome to the daily show. jon stewart here. our guest tonight, we have a fine program lined up for you tonight from iron man 3 actor robert downey ii will be joining us. ( cheers and applause ). they enjoy the movie star. boy are they in for a segway. we begin tonight comedy program in the middle east. no more. syria! syria's civil war is now two years old.
while the united states has not necessarily taken a firm or active role in the conflict because we just found out where syria was -- it's next to iraq -- there was one potential assad regime atrocity we in the united states deemd noteworthy: chemical weapons. >> a red line for us is we start seeing a whole bunch of chemical weapons moving around, that's a red line for us. and that there would be enormous consequences. >> jon: big-time consequences. you can come up to the line. your bombing, your mortar shells. your general machine gunning. your cluster bombs. you cross that line, mister, you are grounded. guess what. >> the u.s. intelligence community assesses with some
degree of varying confidence that the syrian regime has used chemical weapons on a small scale in syria. >> jon: you done [bleep] now. you have crossed the red line. and by the way, where is defense secretary chuck hagel? whose blazer is he borrowing? and why does he keep looking down? can we see what that guy is looking at... oh, he's ordering. oh, i didn't... ( cheers and applause ). i didn't realize. more importantly now that we know that the red line has been crossed and the red line has been crossed, what next? >> we still have some uncertainties. >> we are working to establish credible and corroborated facts as to whether or not the president's red line has been crossed. >> we don't know how they were
used, when they were used, who used them. >> jon: for instance, did he use them in a boat? did he use them in a boat? did he use them in a house? did he use them with a mouse? it's from obama's new book "red lines and gas." look, i can't imagine that everyone is satisfied with the obama administration's approach. >> are you satisfied with the approach the administration is taking? >> no. i haven't been satisfied for a long time. >> i hope that this new revelation of chemical weapons will move the president to do what he should have done two years ago. >> we've got 70,000 dead people in that part of the world as a result of assad. we as america have never let something like that happen before. >> jon: thank you. well, obviously except for rwanda and darfur and bosnia and cambodia. point taken.
point taken. we as america have never let something like that happen before. in syria with this particular assad. look, the point is this. obama is doing it all wrong. what do you guys think? time to arm the rebels. >> yes to arming the rebels. there are more radical islamic fighters there. let's give the right weapons to the right people. >> jon: right weapons to the right people. ahh! maybe we could do background checks. no, that wouldn't work. all right. so the plan is now arm the rebels. >> there's two wars to fight. one to get assad out of there. the second war unfortunately is going to be between the majority of syrians and the radical islam i haves who have poured into syria. we need to be ready to fight two wars. >> jon: okay. so two wars. let me just add that up quickly because i know we're already in two.
so, let me see. that's about four. we have four wars. that's do-able. it seems like it will take a lot of boots on the ground, however. >> you don't need boots on the ground. >> we don't need to put boots on the ground. >> the worst thing the united states could do right now is put boots on the ground. >> jon: interesting. so we have to find a way to arm the rebels, the right rebels, to take down assad. once assad is down, ask the rebels for the guns back so that the regular syrians can have their country back and we need to do all this by remote freedom magic. >> you don't need boots on the ground from the u.s. point of view. but you sure do need international actions to bring this thing to a close quickly. >> jon: latvian boots on the ground. got it. all right. we'll go international boots on the ground. why haven't we gone to the u.n. already? >> they need hard evidence chiefly to persuade russia. russia is syria's remaining ally in the u.n. security council.
they have to persuade russia that the assad regime did use deadly sarin gas against its own people. >> jon: we are [bleep]. so intervention in syria relies on the united states convincing vladimir putin that it's bad to poison people. ( cheers and applause ). yeah, that will work. sarin gas, hmmm. yes, yes. i remember it well. a little more complicated than the good old days, isn't it, fellows? when you could just invade a country. it's as though the misadventure made us a little more conscious as to what constitutes the crossing of a red line. even the ring leader that proud chapter in black-and-white no
nuance american policy has learned to see red lines with a little more shading. >> i'm sitting here analyzing that tie you have and trying to figure out if i can mix paint. a little permanent rose and maybe a touch of white. and on the other side maybe a little raw umber to darken it up so it can reflect the light properly. >> jon: yeah. you do
we'd live to see the day when three openly gay wizards -- because let me explain. you see, obviously the wizard from harry potter books was gay according to j.k., which is (whispering) so nba player comes out. cue the haters. >> kobe bryant tweeted approval today of collins' coming out. >> collins' decision is being praised by former president bill clinton on. >> nba commissioner david stern saluted his leadership manteol on this very important issue. >> for an individual who has excelled at one of the highest levels in sports to say this is who i am, i'm proud of it, i'm still a great competitor, i'm still seven foot tall and can bang with shaq.
( cheers and applause ). >> jon: see, that's the problem with coming out. suddenly everyone wants to play match maker. he's seven feet tall. you're seven feet tall. you play for the wizards. he played a wizard. still, all in all it's a pretty great day for major league sports. at long last they've decided that gay people are fit to be included in their elite club. one that's already allowed in adulterers, wife swappers, gamblers, cheaters, rapists, racists, and slaughterers of man. those who have abused spouses, drugs, alcohol, family members and animals. yes, at long last homosexuality is no longer a bar to a profession where you can already
get away with choking your boss, texting your dick to a coworker, and throwing lit fire crackers into crowds of children. congratulations, gay athletes. you sure you want to hang around with these [bleep] people. ( cheers and applause ). for me we turn to senior gay sports correspondent jason jones live at the verizon center. jason jones. ( cheers and applause ). obviously a pretty remarkable day down there. >> big day, jon. big day. first active nba player comes out. it's not that big of a deal. boom goes the dynamite. >> jon: you don't sound like the dynamite went boom. >> i don't know. i guess i thought when this day came, it wouldn't be so boring. the guy is a model player. he's at the end of his career. he comes out in a "sports illustrated" story. >> jon: that was an indecreed
ebl moving and poetic essay. >> did you read it. jon: i read a tweet about it. that's what i'm saying. no one wants essays in their nba. this is the game of gold chains, tattoos, dennis rodman. look at what i'm wearing, jon, and i'm just covering the sport. i guess from a pro basketball player, i expected a little more flair, you know. whose house? collins' house. >> jon: how do you think he could have come out with more flair? >> he could have done it during the season when he was playing for the team and people actually liked it. why couldn't he have come out while being the miami heat's top scorer? >> jon: that's lebron james. yes. why couldn't he have come out while being lebron james? during his decision special he could have said, "i've made my decision. i'm taking my talents to mmmmmmmmen." >> jon: no. actually, what if he had been
jeremy lin and he came out during lin-sanity, it could be like man-sanity or lin-manty. it would be something in there. >> those kinds of puns would have won me the gespy. >> jon: what is that? the gay espy. jon: is that a real thing? it would have been if jeremy lin had come out. >> jon: you know, isn't it kind of progress that him coming out isn't all that big of a deal? >> absolutely, jon. it's just... it's never going to live up to my fantasy, you know. the 98 finals, bulls versus jazz. game 6. 11 seconds left. michael jordan, cover by russell. jordan pushes off, face back and in the air shouts, "i'm gay." ( cheers and applause ). and then swish. back board somehow shatters
we love you! ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: so... so. jon: i hope this works out for you. >> thanks, jon. i'm plugging away. >> jon: i think that's right. i think that's right. this phenomenon. >> right. jon: is insanity. it's worldwide insanity. >> yes. i should come out right now. >> jon: it would be dramatic. ( cheers and applause ). people are shaking with excitement and glee. >> right. i mean, i feel this way about, you know, the movies that i was really into growing up. i love the enthusiasm. >> jon: were you a super hero guy growing up? your father was a director so you were involved in film. >> i mean i was around movies ought time. they were underground movies.
very cool stuff. but i mean i remember when i saw the first superman movie with christopher reeve, it's fun. >> jon: you believed a man could fly? >> well, no. i mean, because the effects weren't very good back then. >> jon: the effects in this are really ridiculous. this is the thing with... do you remember, okay, so the first three star wars movies. you're like these are excellent movies. that's how i got involved in science fiction. then you see the next three where the level of special effects have gotten so great. >> right. jon: but they're prequels to the other ones which like old timey talkees. and i can't explain that to an eight-year-old. >> right. jon: this doesn't suffer from that. >> not yet. jon: are you going to keep going. ( cheers and applause ). >> i don't know. jon: they don't tell you? you have to sign... don't they
make you sign like you're involved now for 12 of these? >> no. i mean i had a long contract with them. now we're going to renegotiate. >> jon: really? you are iron man. you are! in this one it's the mandarin. >> yes. jon: the mandarin is a classic. the fact that they're bringing back the mandarin, this is from a billing from when i was a kid in the '60s and all those old cartoons. is the thought process to reintroduce some of those classic villains now? >> i guess so. i mean kevin, who is the president of marvel, is really the guy who had the vision. he's a big fan of the show by the way. i'm going to bring him the baseball cap. i remember in the first iron man we got to use mandarin. he was like hold on. the second time i'm like mandarin. he said, no, we have mickey rourke. relax. and then in an vengers i was
like clearly for all of us. he was like don't worry about it. it's just brother. and fortunately this time we have sir ben kingsley. i think it was the right time and the right guy to play this part. the whole thing is just magical, jon. >> jon: you know what i think? ( cheers and applause ). i think there is a movie promotion suit that you get into. you go like this and it just goats (making noise). you jet off to the other thing. now are they still putting you in danger? are you too valuable now to the franchise to be suspended from wires? are there people now that they must... what is your... >> you're really on to something, aren't you? >> jon: i really am on to something. >> i like doing that stuff, you know. once in a while you take a spill or, you know, you shut down production for a bit while you heal up. >> jon: sure. i'm the same. i do all my own... >> really? jon: look how close you are to the edge.
there are many times i just roll off the back. >> no pads, no back pad. jon: are you kidding me? look at me. i'm 150 pounds of osteoporosis. i can handle it. what countries most like if you went anywhere, who is the most whacked out about this? who is the most... >> korea was amazing. china was mind blowing. i had a ball. >> jon: any place where you've been stunned that they get it, that they see it, that they... >> i mean honestly i was really... i was humbled this time just because the fans for this franchise, they're really artistic too. so they give me like painted helmets and sometimes they weep. you know, i mean, i'm 48 years old. i'm looking at the back nine. i get to feel like a beatle. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's nice. let me ask you something.
you're 48 years old. >> yes, sir. jon: you really think you're looking at the back nine? because i'm 50. and i'm heading to the 19th hole. i got maybe three or four good holes left in me. you think you got another nine coming here? >> well, i mean, i believe in science. >> jon: (laughing). if you find something out. >> right. jon: i beg of you. sure. jon: call me. because i would like to play through. i'm the same as you. i would like to play through. >> optimism is key. jon: are you optimistic? here's what i heard. >> this was a discussion between a russian military guy and chuck missler who is a cristian... i love chuck missler. he asked the russian guy is there hope for western civilization in the russian guy said you have to understand the difference between a optimist and a pessimist. the optimist believes the future is uncertain. the pessimist is always right. so it's our duty to be optimists