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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 23, 2013 7:30pm-8:01pm PDT

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kate is. there are women throughout british royal family history that have panicked over not being able to deliver a boy. here we are. kate did it first time. >> john: what? what? you are aware that she is married to prince william and not carl drogo, aren't you? what would your response have been if it had been a girl? dam nation upon your cursed woman. she produced a baby of the weaker sex. all that tomorrow. all that tomorrow. but first, from news of birth overseas to news of death back here in the u.s. >> it has been long feared. this morning it is reality in detroit. the motor city filed for chapter 9 protection yesterday. >> mo town is singing the blues. town tonight is no town. america's motor city runs out
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of gas. >> john: whoa, whoa, whoa, does that tone seem appropriate to anyone? a major american city has declared bankruptcy with devastating human costs. maybe pump the brakes on the car a little bit. if chicago went bankrupt, would you say the windy city just left out its final fart? no, you wouldn't. if houston had a devastating earthquake would you start by saying, "houston, we have a problem." the problem is your buildings are collapsing and there are hundreds of people trapped under the rubble. no, this is no place for jokes and puns apart from this one. that's top notch. this is our job. just the one bright side is that detroit might get a little economic boost from all those reporters flocking to it to cover the story, right? >> mike tobin live in chicago
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with the news. mike, a dramatic afternoon in detroit. >> whether that's chap term 9 how they go to the motions i don't know but jeff lock does. he's right near detroit in chicago. >> john: really? chicago. so you have reporters take gun fire in war zones all over the world. you've had them gear gassed during protests. you've forced them to take 200 miles an hour winds to the face during storms but apparently having them stand on a corner in downtown detroit, oh, that is just too dangerous an assignment. [ cheers and applause ] tell that exactly... exactly how are things in detroit? >> the detroit has lost more than 237,000 residents in the past decade. >> 78,000 city structures have been aabandonned. >> 50% of the parks closed in 2008. 40% of the street lights don't work. >> this is a city that is closed 100 schools since 2004.
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>> folks in detroit wait an average of 58 minutes for police to respond. that's compared to the national average of 11 minutes. >> john: it takes 58 minutes for the police to come. so wait. hold on. if you get shot in detroit, you can get a pizza faster than you can get a cop. in fact maybe that's the only way to survive there. hey, dominoes i would like one large pizza with two policemen and a side of paramedics, please. and can you stuff the crust with gauze because i'm bleeding terribly. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] now look. detroit has not been in a good way for decades. but this bankruptcy still came at a surprise especially since the city recently hired kevyn orr as emergency manager to avoid this situation. >> when he came into the city back in late march the goal was to try to fix the city without going through bankruptcy.
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but the mere fact that his background is one. top bankruptcy lawyers in the country, it was obvious if we couldn't fix the city through negotiation, bankruptcy would be the next route to go. >> john: that does seem a little suspect. i mean bankruptcy lawyer that you hired suggested declaring bankruptcy. it's like picking a demolition expert to reshingle your roof. i took a look up there and i think dynamite is is definitely the way to go. this is such a sad fall from grace. for one of america's great cities. it used to be an economic powerhouse. people sang songs about it. ♪ detroit, detroit ♪ it's a land where gold is made of dreams ♪ ♪ it's detroit
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♪ detroit >> john: back before cars had radios people had to hire men to sit on their cars and sing at them. there were a lot more accidents back then. how did detroit get into this mess? much more importantly, who is responsible? >> snyder's emergency city manager is to blame. >> corruption run rampant under the mayor. >> leftist democrats. the downfall of the auto industry. very poor tax collection. >> globalization and technologicalled advances, loss of jobs. >> john: so it appears that we've narrowed down the blame to everybody. you killed detroit. you killed detroit. you killed detroit. everybody killed detroit. [ cheers and applause ] now nobody gets a car. well, actually you do but it's a more affordable car imported from countries like. ♪ japan
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and. ♪ korea where the cars are cheaper because the prices aren't pushed up by things like. ♪ higher labor costs look, these musicals are catchy. that's a fact. i don't want to argue about it. folks, if everyone created this mess, who ultimately is going to pay the price for it? will it be, a, vulnerable working class retirees. or will it be, b, it's a. >> workers are bracing for what could happen to their pensions and health care. >> the real victims are going to be people who are essentially going to see their contracts with detroit broken. pensioners, public sector workers. folks in unions. >> i get it. so detroit's auto industry was too big to fail but detroit's public sector workers are just small enough not to give a [bleep] about it. here is how crazy this story is is. we all detroit to emerge from bankruptcy okay, but we might
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not want it to emerge too okay. and here is why. >> they are really in dire straits. they cannot pay their bills. but there are a lot of other cities and up toes and communities across the country where we have unfunded pensions and liabilities and health care costs. and they are watching very closely to see how this is treated in court so it's really a test case. yes, we could see more of this. >> john: oh, that's just great. so if this doesn't work, detroit will die and if it does work, other cities may try going into bankruptcy to screw over their retirees. i'm talking about you. gloat baltimore and los angeles ♪ don't apologize for liking that song. look, i understand how bankruptcy works. even if detroit does come back, it's not going to happen before its creditors go full hard-core porn on the place.
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>> you talked about possibly having to sell city assets including the international airport in detroit, including a park, including the very valuable treasures at the detroit institute of art. is that all that on the table. >> i said at the beginning everything is on the table. >> john: everything's on the table. everything is for sale. you want a hockey team, the red wings are yours. are you hungry? consider the detroit zoo. your personal meat locker. are you looking for a hand job? because for $10 we'll give you the greatest hand job of your life. that's a huge hand job. that is insult to significant economic injury. now one particular detroit treasure may get the most attention. >> howdy doody could be the motor city's savior. the original marionette used in the 1950's tv show is part of an art collection that's estimated to be worth a billion dollars or
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even billions of dollars. >> john: not howdy doody. although perhaps we should have all seen this coming. there was that one episode years ago that does now seem oddly prescient. >> hi, kids. enjoy the city while you can because in 50 years, thanks to poor urban planning, corrupt management and the natural forces of capitalism, this city will be reduced to a bankrupt city. >> john: interesting side note there. those children are now 75, and the city is waving howdy doody to their pension. we'll be right?ç?çwóóooo?o?óowoo @"-wuubñ0io$o$@wwúaa]@-x
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[ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome back to the show. time now to check in with everyone's favorite frequent
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non-flyer, edward snowden who was last seen at the moscow airport subsisting entirely on duty free food. but snowden's airport vacation might be coming to an end. >> snowden's lawyers say he could leave the airport in the next few days after some paperwork has been cleared up. just a fun fact. the u.s. does not have an extradition agreement with russia. >> john: fun fact? that's not a fun fact. that is pertinent information. a fun fact would be more like cows can't walk downstairs or... that's a fun fact. if it's something people care about it, you can just call it news. you don't need to be embarrassed about reporting it. anyway, paperwork for the russian government, i mean i'm going to guess that that is a complete nightmare. pages and pages of official documents notarized and filled out in triplicate.
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>> snowden has in fact applied for temporary asylum in russia. he did so on a very brief request, informal to say the least, handwritten because his lawyer said this would look more convincing. >> john: more convincing? is his laura ten-year-old girl? ... is his lawyer a ten-year-old girl? can i have asylum please? check yes. it seems that edward snowden might be on his way somewhere soon. the question is, where? >> snowden has been offered refuge in venezuela, nicaragua and bolivia. >> john: by coincidence those are the exact three countries i would name if asked what country would you not leave a russian airport bathroom for? let's not get ahead of ourselves. first he has to get out of russia. what does president putin plan to do with snowden?
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>> john: how should i know? bring me his balls on a platter so that i may play with them. oh, snow dep, why did you seek asylum in a country run by an actual villain? because between the evil laugh and the underwater escape pod, all he's missing is a... and that is an actual photograph. you are in serious trouble, snowden. we'll be right
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[ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome back. my guest tonight is a very funny comedian and actor who stars and has been nominated for a bunch of emmys. his new movie is called blue
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jasmine. >> i'm easy going by nature. that's what i bring music to people's lives. >> you're very sweet, you know. i never had a sweet guy before. >> i hope i didn't get you in trouble with your boyfriend. >> no. you know, it's not like we're engaged. so, you know, i'm free. i'm free. >> i'm glad to hear that. lunch hour is almost over. we have time though. for what? let's go in the back seat. again? yeah, come on. john: please welcome back to the show the brilliant actor. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> john: that's really rude. thank you so much for being here. >> thank you very much. john: congratulations on the royal baby. >> yes. i wasn't going to say but that's my kid, yeah. it is. it's my kid. i don't understand why... you see, i don't... i don't understand why it's a big deal. i don't know. there was what 50 babies born in brooklyn today probably. >> john: but none of them are going to be the greatest baby in the history of the world. >> no. this baby is born with a castle already. >> john: that's right. with a couple of castles. john: people in brooklyn just have a few white castles they can go and eat. that's subjectively less good. >> pretty good. john: blue jasmine a woody allen movie. >> right, right. john: as a comedian, that must have been pretty amazing to spend any time amount of time.
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>> all i wanted to do is meet him before he died. that was my goal. i mean, anybody, not because he's old but anybody. if he gets hit by a truck as easily as die of old age. >> john: woody, i'm so glad you didn't die before... >> i said nice to meet you. then i was like done, did it. go ahead. >> john: now you can cork it. enjoy yourself. john: as a kid, the nightclub album off by heart. >> woody was a hero of mine and one of the best ever so i really just wanted to have any contact with him. >> john: in the press for this movie he started to say that he might do a little stand-up again. >> that's what i her, yeah. john: nudge him. i'll probably never see him again. i was in the movie for three days. the way i looked at it they were making a movie and i got to be in it. i'm this guy who bothers this
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poor woman played by sally hawkins. i, you know, i affected her about five times in the movie in the car and in a closet. i'm really seedy. just gross. >> john: i love the way you described your character as one of those stories that women carry around. >> yeah. yeah. i'm one of those things that happened to some poor lady. that's what i play in this movie. >> john: i feel like at some point in our lives we have all been that story to a woman. we just have to own that for the rest of our lives. >> i don't think most guys realize that all women have horrible stories. i mean, we have stories that are like i can't believe i did that. but they have stories like, i can't even tell the police that happened. because it's so embarrassing. i grew up with three sisters. that's what every... you know, they all have that... they carry that around. >> john: that is what is
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beautiful about this movie. you haven't even seen this movie. >> i haven't seen it. john: it's great. this is usually how this part of the movie interviews go. what's it like? good. >> no, the premiere is tonight so i wanted to wait until tonight to see it. but from what i understand most of the people in the movie are lying about something. i can play liars well because i understand. you lie because life is not that great. so by lying you get to add dimensions to your life that don't really exist. that's what i play. i don't want to tell about it. >> john: how would you know? you haven't even [bleep] seen it. you're just guessing at this point. also andrew dice clay is in this movie. >> i tried out for his part originally. >> john: you did? i did. my audition was for the part he ended up doing. he's great. he's a really good actor. >> john: he's brilliant in this. i guess.
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i urge everybody to see it. i heard it's really great. >> john: a quick final question for you. rolling stone has called you the funniest comedian in america and a jerk-off genius. which title would you like on your head stone. >> they put that kid on the cover that blew up boston so [bleep] them. i don't care. >> john: blue jasmine will open in select cities. [ cheers and applause ] 
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that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> this administration has kept people from testifying on torture and rendition. >> but none of that has any place in the press room. what about the president working out this morning?
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>> (giggling) i don't know where you came from, but wherever it is, you should go home. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ [cheers and applause] >> daniel: i'm pretty sure that left two skid marks. welcome to the season finale of
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tosh.o. it's the end of collegiate apparel. congratulations nike university. do 7 push ups for every fancy out fit you see me in. tonight we look at the great job i did this year, search for my replacement and look at this third picture of me. let's see why this guy decided to go street looshing. leather chaps at the flush and fold. that full back scab is going to be a damper on sturgis. he was probably freaked out those biker tkoudz were following him. did you know cracking your knuckles can be very dangerous? is that your hand or a order of shrimp cocktail? it's frostbite. that's you why never finger a inuit. i don't know what i have been told but eskimo [beep] sure is
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cold. you might want to find a different nail a son. will have to steal grandpa ma's giant tv remote. i guarantee you're not going to guess how this next video will end (screaming ) (screaming ) >> daniel: i'm pretty sure that counts as a ground rule double. now he can poop and pee from one big hole. (screaming ) >> daniel: see kids, that's what it feels like to shower at penn state. [laughing] >> daniel: children really do need to get outside more. >> daniel: if you don't like being held out