tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central November 1, 2013 9:30am-10:06am PDT
heart-shaped lock. then a nevada politician gets in trouble, which is shocking because nothing is illegal in nevada. and my guest, cofounder, who teaches computer coding skills for free. kathleen sebelius, you will want to stay tuned. happy thanksgiving! april fools'. happy halloween! this is the colbert report! whoo! whoo!
whoo! [ cheers and applause ] >> #01welcome to the col-scare report. joining us "tonight-mare". good evening every-bone. >> thank sign. >> frankenstein. folks as you can tell i loved hallows eve, it is only time of year when children bring buckets of candy right to your house. they ring the bell, then hold up their buckets for you to help yourselves, and then later that night they bring you free eggs and toilet paper. >> only america. >> but when it comes to halloween there are some real grinches out there, sometimes after a night of trick or treating you get an apple with a raiser blade in it, shatter filing, i could cut myself making a bong out of it.
this is the war on halloween. >> facing a lot of tv folk are in the halloween spirit today. just this morning, i saw kelley ripa dressed as miley cyrus. and george stephanopoulus went as a tiny astronaut which i believe makes him america's entire space program. i, of course, am dressed as a sexy hobo who got a work ethic, pulled himself up by his own boot straps and then got a tasty makeover. but, folks, on today's, the today show today, halloween died. when anchor matt lauer dressed up as my waking nightmare.
i look far ward to the new segment, where in the heck is matt lauer's dignity? spook can i stuff. spooky stuff. >> folks speaking of spooky, every day america wakes up to a new revelation about nsa spying, just how deep does it go and why does that clock on my bed know exactly what time i need to wake up? >> still, folks, the more i learn, the safer i feel. nsa is protecting america and their global spy network makes us invincible to anyone who is not a 29-year-old dude with a thumb drive. >> but with some leaks in my own house and i hope the government handles the leaks the same way by hiring a contractor to whack it a few times with a monkey wrench. because today brought another the explosive revelation. >> there is another new report on the national security agency today. and italian magazine called panorama reports the nsa may
have spied on the pope. and some cardinals. sources at the magazine have been told the nsa eavesdropped on vatican phone calls before the conclave, that top secret meeting of cardinals. >> #01: folks. i am a devout catholic but i believe the nsa must spy on the vatican, they are tapping the direct line to god. and as i have pointed out, this guy has got a beard, spent a lot of time in the middle east and i keep hearing he has got some "plan" that for some reason always involves your grandpa dying. but sadly, sadly, there are misguided critics out there who value something more than total operational and situational awareness. let's go down. >> utterly out of control. >> there has to be a balance between privacy and security. >> the united states has simply got the balance wrong. too much invasion of privacy in the pursuit of security. >> #01:. >> come on what is the big deal
about a government invasion of privacy, at this point we have invaded everywhere else. thankfully, there is a way to keep the nsa spying program alive while still maintaining america's sense of privacy and that brings us to tonight's word. the. >> colbert: see no evil, this week the house intelligence agency held hearings on the national security program, i hope al qaeda doesn't watch c-span. >> now, one witness, american university law professor stephen lad dack claims the nsa program violated the fourth amendment, now, luckily, michigan representative and meatloaf stunt double mike rogers countered with the latest in justification technology. >> i would argue that maybe the fact that we haven't had any complaints come forward with any
specificity, arguing that their privacy has been violated clearly indicates in ten years, clearly indicates that something must be doing right, somebody must be doing something exactly right. >> colbert: yeah, for ten years no one complained about the thing they didn't know existed. now, i would like to know, that is sound logic to me. what is your answer for that, professor? >> but who would be complaining? >> somebody whose privacy was violated. you can't have your privacy violated if you don't know your privacy is violated, right? >> colbert: right. if you don't know your privacy was violated then it wasn't. it makes perfect sense if you don't think about it. folks, it is just like, it is just like when someone lies to you, technically they are telling you the truth as long as you never find out it was a lie. really, in the end, it is really an issue of trust. for example, i trust that my childhood dog skip is having fun
chasing rabbits at that farm upstate. that remind me, happy 41st birthday, skipper, i hope you got that bone i sent you. now, congressman rogers, i believe gets it. privacy is not some physical thing that you can have or not have violated. it is a state of mind like zen. professor vladek, he, certainly even you agree with that. >> i disagree with that. i think if the tree falls in the forest and makes a noise whether you are there or not. >> colbert: yes, it makes a noise at the, that the nsa was listening to. and it is important that the tree never find out. or, rather, rather, let me give you another tree analogy. let's say instead of falling in the forest the tree is standing outside your house and i am hiding in it watching you shower. now, so far, so far, i am not violating your privacy, but the second you see me through the window, suddenly i am the
criminal? what about my privacy any am trying thomas bait here. >> i am trying to masturbate here. >> now, come to think of it .. >> now, there are really all sorts of victimless crimes like this. we know people get assaulted because they call the police, but i have never heard of anyone calling the comes because they were murdered. therefore, clearly, no one was killed. now, by the same logic, by the same logic, folks, i have not insulted mike rogers as long as he never hears me say the reason mike rogers uses circular logic is because his head is jammed up his own ass. [ cheers and applause ] >> colbert: of course, obviously i do not mean a word of that, i admire what historians will now call the rogers doctrine. when it comes to privacy versus security, we can have one of them as long as we don't know which one it is.
disappointed by the u.s. congress. i only vote for washington outsiders but the day they are elected, what do they do? move to washington. luckily, some politicians stay true to their constituents. even when they get devoured in a feeding frenzy. this is blood in the water. >> shark, shark, shark, shark. shark. >> colbert: recently learned i am a huge fan of nevada state assemblyman and extra in a coen brothers movie, jim wheeler. at a recent republican party meeting wheeler explained how he had responded to a critic who accused him of being so weak that if his constituents wanted him to, he would vote for slavery. >> if the citizens of the district 39 wanted to make slavery legal, i would vote for slavery. yeah. if that's what they want, i would have to hold my nose and
bite my tongue and probably have to hold a gun to my head, but, yeah, if that's what the citizens of my constituency wants who elected me that's what they elected me for, that's what a public is. >> colbert: that's right when we voters elect someone we become his master and he must do what we say under the threat of violence. there is only one word for that, democracy. and this must
make a hell of a bumper sticker, jim wheeler, you want slaves, you got them. but of course, instead, instead of seeing jim wheeler as a dedicated law maker the they saw him as chum. >> other nevada lawmakers are speaking against the comments. brian sandoval says those comments from wheeler are deeply offensive. >> the metro chamber of commerce has called for assemblyman wheel tore resign. >> the nevada democratic party called wheeler's comments disgusting and embarrassing to the people of the state of
nevada. >> colbert: oh come on there is nothing that embarrass it is state of nevada. the state flag is a man on a jazzy pumping nickels into a slot machine. folks, this is nothing more, thinkable is nothing more than a liberal hit job. the media twisted wheeler's statement all around. as he made clear on his web site in a carefully wording explanation, the accusations against him are absurd
to anyone that viewed the comments in context. exactly. so let me give you the entire context to clear this up. someone said that he would vote to bring back slavery and he responded, yes, i would. see. a little more, a little more nuanced, isn't it? and just listen to what wheeler told the eight news i team, nevada's news leader. >> wheeler told the i team he is probably the least bigoted guy in the world. >> colbert: yeah, the least
bigoted. so move over desmond tutu because there is new sheriff in town and he is willing to enslave you. so you know -- you know, folks -- [ cheers and applause ] >> colbert: come to think of it, folks, his critics are really the racists. for assuming that jim wheeler means black slavery. maybe he would vote to enslave latinos or young greek boys or white people. he will enslave anyone you want. hell, if jim wheeler's voters want to sell their blonde daughters to malaysian drug lords that is job one. so i am calling on assemblyman's constituents to just prove how dedicated this man is. start a petition calling on jim wheel tore punch himself in the balls. i mean, a solid nut punch. [ cheers and applause ] >> colbert: not one of those knuckle glancers, the constituents demand a real wind up junk stunner. assemblyman, you do the will of the people and i guarantee you
>> colbert: hey, zach, thanks so much for coming on. let me give the people a little bit of your cv here. you went to columbia university? >> yep. >> colbert: not easy to get into, right? >> ivy league school. all right? anybody would kill for that, right? you dropped out. >> yep. >> colbert: okay. >> few people would do that. >> colbert: fewer people would drop out. you dropped out to called co academy, it teaches people how to code programs, code computers, right? >> yes. >> colbert: why? why? why would you do that? >> we think everyone needs to understand the basics of computing, what they do every day in the real world, interact so much with technology and we want to teach everyone to understand that. >> colbert: why do i need to understand that, can't i say siri do a code for me. >> if we did that we wouldn't have such problems with -- >> colbert: the president said he called the best and the brightest for that, did they call you? >> not yet, i am waiting. >> colbert: you would be the best and the brightest. but why do you think -- why do
>> colbert: it is an internet thing. it builds web sites and other things. okay, how many people use this site? >> at this .10s of millions. >> colbert: wow. >> yeah. >> colbert: and all over the world? >> all over the world, in every country of the world. >> colbert: okay. well, why do you let them? are the chinese using it? >> the chinese are using this. >> colbert: what percentage of the users are chinese? >> much less than the percentage of americans. >> colbert: really? what percentage of the chinese, sir? you are not going to tell me nsa is going to be on your ass. >> they know, though. >> colbert: i am sure. >> they know everything. >> colbert: exactly. they have pictures of you showering. okay. but should we be letting countries that are our least economic rivals learn these things for free? i mean, if coding is really important, aren't you a traitor? >> we are in a cyber war. >> we are hoping everyone to become competitive by working together so we have people in china that are creating lessons
and people in the u.s. are taking and learning from and all get better together. it is not necessarily competitive. >> colbert: so you are one of those world, one world government kumbaya let's all hold hands and code together and everything will be fine. >> something like that. >> colbert: something like that. okay. so what am i going to do, i am going to an ivy league school should i do what you do, you know? should i just drop out, turn on and log in? is there any purpose of going to college other than getting a high paying job when you come out? is there at this possible reason for having a liberal education other than cash? >> college education is going to help you learn things and introduce to people around you and it is really expensive so what people are paying for is bry, they are hoping to get jobs afterwards and letting them down as a country. >> colbert: that's my rob with your site it is free and i believe the purpose of going to college is to acquire crippling debt. >> then the system is working. >> colbert: because the people who work for me say on this show
who have college loans i know will never quit. no matter how poorly i treat them. so let's say that this utopian future of yours comes about. >> sure. >> colbert: and everybody learns bleep, blurp and your coding thing what will we do? all just sitting in like windowless cubicles coding madden 3,000? what will america be producing if we are all coding? >> i think every i have will change based on people understanding programming. >> colbert:. >> you can sell your things online and tell people what they have in stock that day. understand how to -- >> colbert: what do your parents think of this? >> i think they are happy. >> colbert: really? because they are not writing the checks to -- >> that is probably the biggest upside. >> colbert: uh-huh. >> that is the face i got from them. it is not the best pickup line in the world, hi i used to go to an ivy league school and now i work for free.
>> yes, even worse. >> colbert: is coding really a job or more like a calling? because i have heard, you know, obviously it is logic based which is like math, i have heard math is like music, is a calling to code, is it like a calling to play the piano? >> i think you can be be good with anything with a calling. and i think programming -- >> colbert: this is a fluke. >> i used to be a tollbooth operator on the new jersey turnpike and one day jon stewart dropped by and he goes may i need a correspondent, get in my car. zach sims, code academy, thanks for joining me. get online. it is free. we will be rig hnx(-xcócó e0
lucky for them i am master of the bedtime story. i am so good my sorr stories hae been known to put grown men to sleep in the middle of lunch. i would like to share one of my favorites. so snuggle in and enjoy. once, long, long ago, on the windswept highlands of the hetherty a clan of happy morchtion laid the first stone of a new monster i are, there they dedicated their lives to worshipping and making the world's finest scotch. >> when they pride the bong the liquid go gold that poured forth was warm with a smoke that seemed to float on the winds of ages past. mmm. that is not the end of our tale. government warning. according to the surgeon general you should not operate heavy machinery after consuming this product. spooky stuff.
yeah, well, from that round of applause, i'm guessing the subways and buses are running tonight, huh? [laughter] this is a great city, new york, especially when the trains are running. i love new york city subways. new york city's the only city in the world you can get on a subway car, walk off with a pack of batteries and a yo-yo. how cool is that? every day's christmas on the e-train. [laughter] have you seen the battery sale in the subway? it's awesome, 75 batteries for a buck. i don't know how they do it. [laughter] what country's smuggling in this big battery surplus and unloading it on the e-train? you think there's some sri lankan slave driver somewhere stuffing people into the cargo hold of a ship. "get in there. here, and take these aaa's with you." [laughter] do you support your president, george w? [cheers and applause] george w. says he reads the bible every day. he's 56 years old.
finish the book. [laughter] [cheers and applause] i polished off three tom clancy novels since he's been elected. wrap it up, bible boy. i'd tell him what happens to jesus, but i don't wanna ruin it for him. [laughter] some people read the bible too much. too much of anything isn't good for you. that's why have fanatics who misinterpret the bible. it's from reading it 150,000 times. you read "green eggs & ham" 150,000 times you'll come up with all sorts of twisted ideas. "i will not eat it in the house. i will not eat it with a mouse. jews are the devil." [laughter and applause]