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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 19, 2013 7:00pm-7:31pm PST

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million dollars! (cheers and applause) that is -- hold on. (cheers and applause) that's more than $100,000. (laughter) folks, you did it. eat it, china. eat it with chopsticks! (laughter) folks, i say china is out and the colbert nation now gets your slot as world superpower. (cheers and applause) so tonight i am not only leader of the colbert nation but also the chairman. (laughter and applause) and, folks, these are my demands. one: i want a seat at the u.n. security council. in fact, make it a recline we are cub holders so i can watch my stories while some jagoff from yo uruguay keeps yakking. next, i demand china's
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most-favored nation's trading status. that will help the bottom line once i force my audience to make ipads. (laughter) lastly, i demand the international community respect my right to continue developing the colbert nation's nuclear program. (laughter) it is for energy! even though i have pledged to wipe vermont off the map. we will drive you into lake champlain! (cheers and applause) nation, like all of you, i have enjoyed watching obama's signature piece of legislation unravel like a loose burrito in a backpack. (laughter) i do not think there has been a time in american history when a president got this unpopular this fast-- other than that one time. >> president obama's predicament has prompted comparisons with where president bush was at this point in his presidency and the aftermath of hurricane katrina. >> is this obama's political katrina? >> stephen: yes, it's exactly like katrina but, of course, there's one thing you can't say
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to president obama! >> brownie, you're doing a heck of a job. (audience reacts). (laughter) oh, oh, oh, that is just wrong. because he's not doing a heck of a job. the point is, obama couldn't make health care work, so his legacy is now set-- bad at using technology to extend life, good at using technology to end it. (audience reacts) and this failure goes beyond the web site, folks. remember, the president repeatedly said "if you like your plan, you can keep it." but now millions of plans are being canceled. so last week, the president held a press conference to address the problem. jim? >> oh, the humanity! >> stephen: no, no, no! jim, no, wrong disaster. (laughter) you know what? you know what? i think cnn's the don lemon put obama's public implosion into the proper perspective.
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>> you won't find two politicians who've had worse weeks than president obama and toronto mayor rob ford. they've had a pretty bad week. (audience reacts) president obama saying sorry over and over for his so-called signature achievement, obamacare, rob ford admitting to be a crack smoker. (audience reacts). >> stephen: yes, obama is in the same tight spot as toronto's crack-smoking mayor. i mean, the parallels are everywhere, folks. both had press conferences-- and that's it. (laughter) but, folks, comparing the first black president to the first blackout mayor isn't unfair. it's not unfair at all because lemon made sure to ask several times whether it was unfair or not. >> is it fair, though, to compare the two crises? >> no, it's not fair to compare them at all. they're totally different. >> i'll ask you the same question. is it fair to compare the two crises? because it's about damage control not whether the two crises are equivalent. >> exactly and i think it's fair
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to make a comparison for the simple fact that both of them are in trouble. >> stephen: yeah, they're both in trouble. therefore, it's an entirely fair comparison. the same way that since they're both on video, it's fair to compare don lemon's reporting to this dog milking a goat. (cheers and applause) well, i've got to say, chuck todd looks great in that hat. and this failure to launch is the end of more than just obamacare, folks. jim, bring down the krauthammer. >> we have not just obamacare unraveling, not just the obama administration unraveling, not just the democratic majority of the senate, but we could be looking at the collapse of american liberalism. >> stephen: you nailed it count chuckula. (laughter) obamacare's failure means liberalism is dead!
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i can see it just as clearly as if i'm about to do it at another camera. (laughter) just got back from the social justice rally which i attended because i believe in all citizens' shared responsibility and human rights regardless of race, class, creed or orientation. wait, what's this? i can't log on to obamacare? burn the gays! burn them! (cheers and applause) of course, i was just doing that in character. yes, nation, things are going pretty well for conservatives and we've handled this sudden good fortune with our trademark grace and humility. >> all of a sudden when
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obamacare stops being this abstraction, you know, and it turns out to be a disaster and i think that conservatives and republicans get to gloat a little and say "we told you so." >> for me i'll sit back and try to refrain from saying "we told you so." >> hate to say we told you so. >> well, we told you so. >> we hate to say we told you so but quite honestly we all look like geniuses now. (laughter and applause) >> stephen: she's right! the obamacare rollout is so bad that by comparison michele bachmann is a genius! (cheers and applause) and if a self-certified genius like bachmann was right about obamacare she must have been right about everything! >> the planned parenthood is a billion dollar a year entity. they want to become the lens crafter of big abortion. >> stephen: brilliant! >> the very founders that wrote those documents worked
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tirelessly until slavery was no more in the united states. (audience reacts). >> stephen: what else you got, einstein? >> there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas. (laughter). >> stephen: genius! (cheers and applause) that's a cheap high. (laughter) bottom line, we were right about obamacare, therefore we were right about everything. he was born in kenya. he's a secret muslim. and we should have elected -- what? no! jim, no! that's better. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much! nation, if you've watched this show before-- and i certainly hope yo you have-- did you know that i always say that any old dog can hump your leg, but an alpha dog makes your other leg watch. this is my alpha dog of the
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week. (cheers and applause) folks, this week's alpha dog is chip wilson c.e.o. of the upscale yoga clothing store lululemon. now, while others are blind to women's issues, this seeing eye alpha dog is women's best friend. back in 2009, he offered a unique take on women's history writing: "in the early 1970s the pill came into being. women's lives changed immediately. females no longer had to make relationships work. men's lives didn't change, however, and they continued to search for a stay at home wife like their mothers. men did not know how to relate to the new female, thus came the era of divorces." (audience reacts) you hear that, ladies? divorce is your fault because you got the pill allowing you to have all kinds of care-free sex. every husband's nightmare. (cheers and applause) but whatever you do, don't call this alpha dog sexist. he's way more than that. for instance, he's also racist. he said that he chose a brand
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name with a lot of "ls" in it as a marketing tool because the sound didn't exist in japanese phonetics, telling one journalist "it's funny to watch them try and say it." (audience reacts) that is hi-rarious! (laughter) roh-roh. earlier this alpha dog got a swat on the nose. >> yoga pants are being recalled for being too see through. the recall involves panting using the signature fabric that is combination of nigh lob and lycra. this is 17% of all lululemon bottoms. >> customers have noticed their workouts are looking more like a pipe show saying lululemon's pants are see through, leaving little to the imagination. >> now the company is getting complaints about two other styles of pants. customers say they're scratchy, pilling, and once again see through. >> stephen: that's right. lululemon recalled its transparent yoga pants for women
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which caused a huge drop in stock price followed by a huge drop in men going to yoga class. (laughter) but even after turning sun sal you stations into full moons-- (laughter) -- this alpha dog refused to muzzle himself. he revealed why his pants were not only see through but suffered the pilling. >> frankly, some women's bodies just don't work for it. and that could be -- >> stephen: . >> they don't work for this pant? >> no, they don't work for certain -- some women's bodies. just, you know, it's about the rubbing through the thighs, how much pressure there. (audience reacts). >> stephen: that's right. lululemon c.e.o. thinks his product is defective and it's your fault because as patanjali says in the yoga sutra "cultivate friendliness to the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous and indifference toward the wicked. also, no fatties." (laughter)
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now, not every c.e.o. has the marketing savvy to live by the mantra "the customer is always fat." (laughter) but chip here knows that calling out your clientele's chub-rub is just good marketing. it makes them feel insecure about their bodies, that's causing them to work out more which means they need more athletic clothes-- cha-ching. (laughter) by the way, cha-ching is also chip wilson's nickname for chinese people. (laughter) hi-rarious! and after his critics barked that it was time for him to roll over and apologize he released this heart felt statement. >> i'm sad. i'm really sad. i'm sad for the people at lululemon who i care so much about. i take responsibility for all that has occurred and the impact it has had on you. i'm sorry to have put you all through this. >> stephen: you hear that, ladies? chip wilson is sad that your chafing ham hocks made him put
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his employees through this difficult time. that still wasn't enough for the hounds in the media. >> no apparent apology to customers, no explanation at all. >> con from a marketing standpoint chip wilson's apology is kind of a disaster. seems like he's saying "i'm sorry i got caught" but he doesn't seem sorry he said it. >> some are calling it the worst "i'm sorry" ever. >> stephen: that's ridiculous! it was a perfectly good apology. but some women's bodies just don't work for it. if chip's "i'm sorry" wasn't good enough, you probably couldn't hear him properly over the loud rubbing of your fat thighs. (laughter) so thank you, chip wilson, for lifting your throwing pee on your customers and then blaming them for being wet. you, sir, are my alpha dog of the week. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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everybody! my guest tonight is the director of the heartbreaking film "12
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years a slave." on the bright side, slavery didn't last as long as i thought. please welcome steve mcqueen! (cheers and applause) hey, mr. mcqueen, thanks so much for coming on. all right, thank you so much for coming on. this is a huge thrill. off giant movie this year. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: now you're a british artist and filmmaker, your films include "hunger" and "shame." currently you're the producer and director of "12 years a slave" which is adapted from an 1853 chronicle of a man named solomon northup, right? >> correct. >> stephen: tell the people the story of solomon. >> well, solomon northup was a free black man that lived in saratoga, new york, who got kidnapped in 1841 and he was brought to the south where he lived for 12 years within slavery. >> stephen: okay, the thing about this movie is i -- you know, i haven't seen it yet, i'm
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looking forward to it. the thing that i've heard is that it makes slavery look really bad. (laughter) is that a spoiler alert? i don't know. (laughter) >> it was pretty cruel. it was pretty brutal. it was slavery, so unfortunately -- >> stephen: right, right. that's why they call it slavery. >> precisely. >> stephen: i'm on record as saying that i'm against slavery, i want to be very clear about that. >> i'm very pleased about that. >> stephen: it took a fair amount of courage, but i did it. i'm from the dream south, charleston, south carolina. as we like to say, all roads lead north from charleston. (laughter) where does this movie take place? >> it takes place in louisiana. >> stephen: okay, well that's understandable. those people are terrible. (laughter) south carolina, was slavery bad everywhere? because i grew up hearing that some slaves enjoyed at least the job security.
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i'm not saying slavery. (audience reacts) honest to god. i grew up being taught the civil war was not about slavery, it was about economic issues and about states rights and that a lot of slaves, you know, enjoyed the job security. >> i would doubt that very much. (laughter) >> stephen: you learn something new everyday. >> yeah. i will say no to that completely and emphatically, in fact. quite emphatically. >> stephen: okay. let me ask you something. i a lot of times -- i don't care but i hear you're a black guy. >> apparently. >> stephen: okay. if you're a black guy but you have an english accent. >> correct, yes. >> stephen: what is an english person doing coming over here and telling us our sordid history. we'll accuse ourselves of crimes, if you don't mind, sir. (laughter) >> well, slavery wasn't particularly focused just n the united states. it was a global and world trade. >> stephen: you know what your
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people did to the irish, my people. >> oh, absolutely. >> stephen: would you like to apologize to -- as an english person? would you like to apologize to my people, the irish people, for what you did to us? >> (laughs). >> stephen: would you like to apologize right now? >> i would like to apologize for all crimes of cruelty and slavery throughout the world which exist even today. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right. pretend i'm a moviegoer, okay? saturday night, i can choose between going to see "thor". (laughter) -- last vegas, maybe that blue is the warmest color thing. (laughter) and "12 years a slave." sell me. >> well, i'll sell it to you this way -- >> stephen: one of them is "thor." (laughter) >> yes, he has a very big hammer. "12 years a slave" is a true
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story about an american hero and i would actually say to you, the audience, that he's a rarity in the world as a figure and as i said before, he needs to be recognized and needs to be sort of looked at in perspective now. >> stephen: was this novel popular back in the day? >> it sold 27,000 copies in its first year. but what happened after was uncle tom's cabin came the next year and obliterated it so it got buried. >> stephen: and she was just riding his coattails. >> and she took a lot of from that book and next year we had a fictionalized book of slavery that became a huge best-seller and buried "12 years a slave." >> stephen: did you pay anything to solomon northup for his story? >> no, but the public are paying him very, very well. the book has sold over 100,000 copies in two months. >> stephen: 100,000 copies in two months!
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but he doesn't get part of your knew spree in. >> no, he doesn't get a cut of my movie. >> stephen: i don't want to point out that you are making money off the labor of a black man. (laughter) and paying him nothing! there's a word for that, you realize. >> trust me, i'm not getting paid that much, unfortunately. (laughter) >> stephen: well, thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) steve mcqueen, "12 years a slave." we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: that's it for "the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon
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stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> jon: boom. welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight the fine actress is elizabeth olsen. many of you may not know this she's the famed sister of famed cub reporter jimmy olsen. [ laughter ] but first man it's been a rough couple of weeks for broab, months really. his foreign allies are angry with him because we are spying on them. [ laughter ] his domestic allies are angry at him because of incompetent health care rollout. he taped over his wedding video
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recently. he was trying to record a very special "two broke girls." hello, mr. president, they are all special. [ laughter ] and this weekend was booed at a basketball game. [audience reacts] and now here in my studio or was that something snels. [laughter] to give smu sense of perspective about where things are for the president, this is how a crowd greeted the crack smoking train wreck of a mayor in toronto on saturday. [cheers and applause] >> jon: you are an idiot! [laughter] and that was before mayor ford's monday adventure. >> we have got some angry exchanges while the meeting was going on the mayor -- [laughter] >> jon: do not get into between me and my crack! [laughter] i will knock you

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