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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 6, 2013 1:30am-2:01am PST

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>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. i'm upset i was not a part of your sound of music conversation. >> sing a little. >> so long >> tonight, what happens when a state legalizes marijuana? for the first five hours, very little. >> then republicans reach out to
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women, and the women get a restraining order. and my guest alan mulally is the ceo of ford. oh, i love that new guest smell. actors, hackers have stolen the bass words of over 2 million pa accounts, so it is time to change mines from password1 to password2. this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) .. ladies and gentlemen -- >> stephen! stephen! stephen!
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>> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, welcome, thank you for joining us. thank you so much. the energy in this room, ladies and gentlemen, i feel like i am an auction and i am a prize calf. the hat of the meat, a lot of the major stories to cover tonight. massive anti-government protests breaking out in ukraine, attack on the defense ministry in yes men, thousands of fast food workers on strike across hundreds of cities in the united states, so we dive right in and read some viewer mail. >> folks, got a big file right here. our first letter tonight comes to us on actual paper. dear stephen, which power is better, flight or invisibility? i am asking for a friend. sincerely, stephen colbert, but not you. that's nice, steven, i recognize my own handwriting. okay, let's settle this one, for
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once and all, obviously flight and invisibility have big pros and cons. flight, problematic because i am scared of heights, but so is invisibility, because i am scared of people not noticing me. so that's a tie. one point each. now let's talk the economics of the situation. the most recent superman grossed $291 million at the box office but the "lord of the rings" grossed 377 million. clearly, the market says invisibility, not to mention, the invisible hand of the market is invisible. double win for invisibility, two invisible thumbs up. >> now, as long -- [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: people love the invisibility. as long as we are talking super man, folks, with flight, you could fly around the world backwards to reverse time, that's a huge power, but with invictim, you can go to a dinner party and not have to drink two
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glasses of red wine before you feel comfortable. >> again, one point each. >> of course you have got to remember, only your body turns invisible. not anything outside of it, that's why the invisible man had to get naked to disappear. so if you don't want to be a cluster of floating car keys, coins and cellphones, they all have to go up the butt. no, no, hey. i'm sorry. you have got to it. to it's nature's pockets so you might want to rethink that bottle opener key ring. folks, i would say that clinches it, also, it clenches it. all right. flight wins! no more on the subject. jim, let's close the in-box. >> folks, if you watch this show you know i a am no fan of gay marriage, but it isn't the only moral sinkhole slowly swallowing
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america. there is also the growing acceptance of marijuana legalization, which also leads to gay marriage, because when you have got the munchies bad enough you will put anything in your mouth. >> suddenly, suddenly, whoa, that, you hear that folks? that was the gasp of recognition. >> suddenly, folks, a majority of americans favor decriminalizing satan's oregano with 58 percent for it and only 39 percent opposed. which means if you took a vote today, pot still be illegal, because 58 percent of the voters would be at home attempting telekinesis on a burrito. plus you know who is really high? gallup pollsters because those numbers only add up to 97 percent:folks, i say it is more -- it is more than just changing opinions, because last year, voters in colorado
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legalized it. [ cheers and applause ] >> i have watchers, first time anywhere in the world marijuana has been regulated from seed to sale, it will be legal for everyone to buy weed from a recreational dispensary. >> recreational sales in colorado are scheduled to begin january 1st, 200014. >> that's right. january 1st, or as they call it in colorado, four-20. >> folks, for the first time, we are talking about legal recreational marijuana. it's a whole different ball game from medical marijuana, which is used to treat nausea, glaucoma, and the terminal lack of recreational marijuana. >> soon, soon, folks, buying weed in colorado will be as easy as buying cigarettes. >> how might it in da how might it be sold. >> this is what americans are familiar with when it comes to this sort of substance. it will be sold a little like you sell tobacco in these shops,
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along in glass containers just like this. it is going to be like walking into a circle k. as somebody who is not a colorado, cholera don you can walk in, starting january 1st, and you can buy up to a quarter ounce. >> you can buy all you want. >> yes, you can buy weed all day long, it will be like the parking lot at a phish concert, and best of all, phish isn't playing. [ cheers and applause ] >> we have sot phish fans here tonight. and the dark, shady i have of legal pot is becoming so mainstream the denver post just announced that it will hire a pot editor. it will be easy to identify the column because it will just be a handwritten note asking for an extension. folks, come on, if we are all adults.
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>> all of us know where this leads. the pot editor is just a gateway job to a meth editor. whose columns are 2-cent meters wide, 30 feet long and written with a broken chicken bone. you would have to be high to think this is a good idea. here now to tell me if it is a good idea is the new pot editor of the denver post, richard baca, mr. baca, thanks so much for joining us. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: mr. baca, first question, are you a cop? because if you are a cop and you don't tell me this is entrapment. >> i have never been a cop, no. i am a. >> i have been -- 20 years. >> stephen: okay. and how do you get this job as a journalist? >> we were all sitting around one night and went, you know what would be great? to get paid to do this! well, you know, we have been covering the beat pretty intently. >> stephen: oh, i bet you have. i bet you have.
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are you high right now? are you high right now? >> i am definitely not high right now. >> are you sure? my face isn't a giant beak? am i freaking you out right now? huh? we are going down the hallway and taking turns. you are not high now, but do you smoke pot at all? >> i don't smoke pot. i do eat it, though. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> oh. oh. okay. how is this going to be regulated, sir? >> well, pretty intensely by the state, you know, the state has a history with regulating medical marijuana, so they are kind of taking what they have learned there and applying it to retail/recreational marijuana, which becomes legal on january 1st. >> stephen: is it going to be taxed? >> heavily, yes. so if you buy medical marijuana, it is about a five percent tax and new retail marijuana will be a 25 percent tax, which includes
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-- >> stephen: 25? a 25 percent tax on a doobaj? >> that's about right, is it not worth it, stephen? >> stephen: it is more tax than toke liberalism in my opinion, why don't you just make it 85 percent and give me your car when you are high. they will never know the difference. take it! >> a certain percentage is definitely going toward the building of schools, i believe it is the first 40 million raised from recreational sales. >> stephen: what were your responsibilities as the pot editor for the denver post be? >> i am hiring a pot critic from colorado, if you know anybody. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, i know a few people but i need them in my editing room. >> you certainly want a reviewer, you want a critic of pot. >> yes. >> stephen: anybody you like? >> i got one via twitter.
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>> stephen:. >> stephen: dude, i am baked out of my skull. >> you would not be surprised. >> stephen: it gives kids an excuse all over the nation who get caught smoking pot the theyn just tell their parents, mom, i am preparing for a career in journalism. >> we are not encouraging that, absolutely not. >> stephen: what if they have a friend that goes to vacation to colorado and how much can you buy. >> if you are a resident you can buy an ounce a day and if you don't, you can buy up to a quarter ounce per day. >> stephen: that's a lot of pot! a quarter ounce a day? >> it is a lot of pot. >> stephen: what confuses me most is if everybody in the state can have a quarter ounce of pot in their pocket how will you indiscriminately arrest young black men? on what grounds will you imprison them? >> if you are a citizen of
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colorado you can have a quarter ounce, but up to two ounces for medical. >> stephen: we will talk about the arrests. if someone did get arrested and is in jail now for pot possession in colorado, on january 1st when it becomes legal do they get to get out of jail? >> i don't believe so. i don't know the answer to that question. >> stephen: can we at least bring them pot in jail to make it a better experience? [ cheers and applause ] >> you might be on to something. maybe the state is planning on doing that. i am not sure. i doubt it though. >> stephen: a politicians who campaign in colorado will have to stop by the state fair and judge the tastiest bud. >> they will have like a -- >> vote for me! thank you so much for joining us, ricardo baca, the denver post marijuana editor. we wight bright b
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. welcome back. thank you so much, everybody. here, get these people some exercise. nation, there are only 334 shopping days left until the 2014 midterm elections, buy your candidate now. and i'm looking forward to a pueblo youth, unfortunately the gop is having some serious lady troubles and not the kind of lady troubles that can be solved with a quarantine tent. according to an october abc,/washington post/flintstones
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chewables poll 63 percent of women have an unfavorable view of the republican party i don't get it, over 90 percent of congressional republicans are dudes. lady it's a sausage fest. it is raining men, hallelujah, it is raining men! >> belly up to the buffet. >> folks, there is some good news out there, appeals to women in 2014, republicans are trying something new, anything. >> according to the politico, john boehner'sed to aides held a seminar to discuss how lawmakers should talk to female constituents and it only makes sense that one of our two major political parties would need lessons on how to talk to the majority of the human race. and the republican seminar -- this republican seminar had some great advice on connecting with the ladies. >> the gop is teaching its male
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candidates not to use phrases like todd aiken did legitimate rape, so they are saying this is how you should talk to women, to have women's forum, in terms of kind of women's issues, talk about your family, things like that. >> all. >> they should come talk to me because i am an expert on women, i watched a pilates class one i even tried jane fonda's poopy yogurt. not bad. it was not bad. i mean you could barely taste the poop. >> so, gop reps, fake a seat, gentlemen and let me give you the lowdown on how to speak respectively to the bitches. okay. rule number one, ladies, don't like it when you use certain terms, for instance rape. legitimate or panties. they really, they really don't
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like that one. panties. okay. >> two you want to reach out to women so you have to go where they congregate so hang out in the women's bathroom. >> of course showment a philadelphia voter approach you, do not be frightened, they can sense fear. attempt to be larger than you are, raise up your hand and pop out your chest but if she inflates her neck frill, run. >> most importantly, most importantly, appeal to them on the issues, not come up with an easy mnemonic device to wha what they care about, pay equality, abortion rights, national defense, insurance, education and social security are -- panties. damn it! damn it! that is,
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this is impossible. just try appealing to the gays. i don't think they have any we wil
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>> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the president and ceo of the ford motor company. we'll see if he really is like a rock. please welcome alan mulally! [ cheers and applause ] hey!
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>> thanks for coming out. >> stephen: all right. fantastic. great to have you on. you are the presidency of the ford motor company, just like you are an icon of american capitalism:congratulations! congratulations. >> thank you. >> did you dream of running a car company when you were a kid. >> what did you do before then? >> i started out as a bag checker. >> stephen: a bag checker? >> yes. ththe at the grocery store. >> stephen: really? did you want to be the ceo of bag checkers? >> no. i didn't. but i loved serving people. >> stephen: now, you are here because we are coming up on the 50th anniversary of the original muscle car. >> the mustang. >> stephen: the mustang. let's show what we are talking about here. when i was a kid this was a dream car. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: you hear that? and that is the mustang. that sound right there. that's enough. i will get an erection. all right.
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now, this is one of the coolest cars ever made. and not only was it sort of cool to see on the street but it was in the movies. this is what steve mcqueen drove in bullet. why do you think some cars become icons and some cars do not? >> well, i think, in this case, the mustang just changed the world in 1965, because it was the first real sports car that also was a high utility, because it had two seats in the back, it has had a trunk. >> stephen: of course it had two seats in the back. it was a mustang. the reason it became an icon is because it got you laid. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: i hope you haven't taken that out of the design. >> no, no. it is still very much appreciated. >> stephen: okay. good. now, when was it introduced? >> it was introduced in 1965 at the world's fair right here in new york city. >> stephen: in support of that you are introducing a new 50th
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anniversary. >> absolutely. >> stephen: of -- there is the 20 -- this is the 2015 mustang. uh wow. [ applause ] >> stephen: my question is, though you still know it is 2013, right? and yet we are looking at the 2015 mustang. >> yes. >> stephen: i assume you have come here to tell me about it in the 2028 ford time machine. does it have a jet pack? >> that is the future. that is the future, yes. >> stephen: we should hope so. >> absolutely. >> stephen: now, speaking of cars of the future, you guys, let's talk about cars of the past and car companies of the past. >> yes. >> stephen: because back in the old auto bailout you are the only zero company that didn't take a bailout. >> right. >> stephen: gm and chrysler had to be bailed out. what is it about ford and one of the reasons i like you guys is that you are capitalists unlike those bolsheviks over at gm and chrysler. comrade! what do you think of those guys sucking on the
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government teat? >> isn't it better for them to be whipped out of the gene pool? >> well, stephen, clearly the united states was in a very, very tenuous situation, so even though we believe in capitalism we actually went and testified on behalf of our bankrupt competitors, i think we did the right thing for the economy and the united states of america at the time. [ applause ] >> stephen: how about detroit now? how do we save detroit? >> i would say. >> stephen: they just declared bankruptcy? how do you pay off that debt? you are still in michigan. >> dearborn. >> ten, 20 miles from detroit? what do we do? do we pay off the debt by just pulling the gold from the pensioners or do we just let the great moat reclaim dedetroit? what do we do? >> i think they are doing the right thing and addressing all of the areas of concern,
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everybody has to pull together and develop a better plan. the thing about ford, though, stephen is that even though we are not inside detroit itself we are very close as you said and all of our operations are there, our suppliers are there and based on the strength of our products we are actually growing profitably and hiring 15,000 new employees, which is the best we can do to help detroit. >> stephen: not union, though, you are not hiring union, are you? >> yes a lot are represented by union. >> unions are what are destroying america don't you understand that? it is in the union charter, destroy america. dental coverage and destroy america. >> well, as you well know, unions signed these agreements over the years and we ended up not being competitive in ford's case we worked together and wanted to have a competitive i have and compete with the best in the world so we redid all the agreements and that's why we are bringing product back to the united states and competing with the best in the world right here in the united states of america. >> stephen: good luck with the new rollout. i love it. alan mulally, ceo of ford motor
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company, the 50th anniversary of the mustang. we will be right back!
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