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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 9, 2013 7:00pm-7:31pm PST

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pardon. >> well, tonight president obama is letting you influence the decision by voting on line. >> uncle sam needs you to vote. so do these turkeys, caramel and popcorn, the finalist for national thanksgiving turkeys. only one bird can hold the title. you can vote online. stay tuned to see who wins. >> stephen: oh, i understand why is screwed: obama needed his a-team to work on turkeycare . gobble. (laughter) here's how it works. you see, the presidential turkey pardon this year was decided by an online vote. it's like "hot or not" where hot is defined as 375 degrees for three hours. (laughter) what a waste of america's time, ladies and gentlemen! because any fool can see that popcorn is the better turkey! i mean, just look at the actual stats they provide right on the web site. popcorn is a lean and sexy 37
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pounds while caramel is a lumbering tubbo at 38 pounds. hey, fatso, did you already eat the chicken and the duck? why would anybody vote for caramel who listens to lady gaga when popcorn jams out to beyonce. come on, caramel. lady gaga isn't your friend. she's already dressed up as three of the four major food groups. whereas beyonce sang "i don't think you're ready for this jelly" which is clearly a song about how popcorn is not ready to be served with cranberry sauce. (laughter) long story short, caramel is a loser and the american people agree with me. >> an annual thanksgiving tradition president obama pardoning this year's turkey, popcorn is the name of the turkey, receiving the presidential pardon. popcorn beat a turkey named caramel for the honor. >> stephen: boom! suck it, caramel! the internet has spoken and they
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decided you lose. and since it's the internet, they've also decided that you're gay! ron paul 2012. (laughter) not sure which of those two you're applauding for but thank you. but nation there's a dark side to this story of two caged animal kos peteing to not-die. neither of them die. >> however, when the online voting ended even though it looked like the obama administration was going to take a stand and caramel was going to get executed the white house tweeted, in fact, no, no, no, they're both going to live. >> stephen: that's right! our coward in chief wasn't satisfied pulling out of iraq and pulling out of afghanistan. now he's pulling out of turkey. (laughter) mr. president, what kind of message does this send the kids? what do parents say when their child looks up with those big wet eyes and ask: "mommy, why do things have to not die?" this is the weakening of our
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democracy! elections have consequences, sir! next you're going to tell me that the losing miss america contestants get to live! (laughter) well, nation, i for one am not going to stand for it. that's why i'm sitting. also why i've started a petition at calling on president obama to live up to the duties of his office and execute caramel the turkey. (laughter). (cheers and applause) okay? so head to and sign my petition. by the white house's own rules, if we get 100,000 responses in 30 days they have to respond. soon obama could be giving that loser caramel what he's got coming to him. hopefully letting popcorn watch. he earned it. (laughter) now, speaking of the holidays, folks, i want to wish you all a merry sooner monday! and for any non-christian
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viewers. happy robot chanukah. now, i spent my cyber monday cyberring on because i love their overnight delivery service. i like to snuggle under the covers with the happy thought that in the next three hours my new three-speed can opener will move to a different warehouse. amazon's overnight delivery of such items as 15 foot trampolines and $25,000 84 inch televisions has one fatal flaw. it takes forever! (laughter) if i have to wait until tomorrow for my items to arrive there goes tonight's plans to watch "monday night football" while doing back flips on my trampoline. (laughter) fortunately, amazon c.e.o. and billionaire busytown worm jeff bezos -- (laughter). he gets that this is a problem and is he's doing something to solve it. >> these are octocopters. these are effectively tkrepb bus there's no reasons they can't be
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used as delivery vehicles. we can do half hour delivery. >> half hour tkhr *eufly. >> and we can carry objects up to five pounds which covers 86% of the items that we deliver. >> stephen: folks, these amazon drones are a great idea. and guaranteed to be safe thanks to all the drone testing we've done overseas! (laughter) i mean, worst-case scenario, a few homes get carpet gifted with some collateral generosity. but don't take my word for how simple it is when there's this carefully-produced short film from amazon. there's the drone picking up the package and flying out of the warehouse navigating through the parts of america with no trees, phone lines, or buildings then landing on your doorstep while your family cowers inside until after the semiautonomous blade wielding octocopter leaves. yes, nation, flying products to our doorstep inside of half an hour is a bold plan right out of science fiction. it leaves my with only one question: why does it take so long? i want my stuff now!
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and i know how to get it. so put on your future hat, jeff bezos because i've cooked up an idea that will bring buying as we know it to a new level. close your eyes and picture this. i'm going to keep my eyes open because i have to read these words here but everybody else, here's the idea. amazon locations that customers can walk into and buy things! (laughter) and the inventory would be arranged not as dropdow dropdows but rows of physical merchandise a customer can actually touch! and instead of waiting precious minutes for a drone to arrive they can place their selections into a wheeled basket conveyance. it's inspired by your web site's abstract cart graphic. (laughter) thus, they have the products instantly. i call it amazon live. call me, bezos. your money and my idea we can have these spending habit opportunity places-- or shops,
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as i call them-- up and running by 2025. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) avo: this holiday tech the halls and ring in the savings with a free $50 online visa when you buy a phone get great deals on the best phones at radioshack
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much! folks, you know now that thanksgiving has come and gone it means we're two-thirds the way through the christmas season. but there's still time for the
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secular christmas haters out there to mount their offensive against the baby jesus. but this year baby j's got backup. this is the blitzkrieg on grinchitude. (cheers and applause) ♪ hallelujah (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, if you know your bible i'm sure you're a familiar with the parable of how ernest saved christmas. i don't know why the vat cant is dragging its feet on making this man a saint. in fact, saving christmas is something of a christmas tradition but this year christmas is returning the favor because last week a christmas tree saved a family from a bullet.
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(laughter) >> a family's house was hit by a stray bullet during a drive-by shooting. one family says things could have been a whole lot worse if it weren't for where the christmas tree was. >> well i was sitting on my couch right there and i heard six, eight loud pops. if the tree wasn't here we would have had the couch right underneath the windows. >> stephen: what an inspiring act of courage. (laughter) by silently volunteering to be put where the couch had been the tree placed itself in the line of fire and when the shooting began, the tree didn't hesitate to not move. (laughter) you know, folks, it was just a month away from retiring. now, authorities say the tree will recover from the bullet but probably not being chopped off by the roots and drag indoors. (laughter) but i say if our christmas trees are willing to show this kind of bravery, let's at least make it a fair fight. time to get rid of the onerous government regulations preventing trees from having
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guns. (laughter) now, inevitably, yes, a tree here or there will go crazy and turn its ornaments on the family, but it's not the guns' fault. what we need to do is make sure trees get the mental health treatment that they desperately need. besides, no one should get hurt as long as no one breaks into the house in the middle of the night, say down a which chimne. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) í cqb>pi÷gl
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is a science journalist whose new book is called "focus: the hidden driver of excellence." the unhidden driver of excellence is paying your rent. please welcome daniel goleman. (cheers and applause) thanks for coming on. all right, you're a psychologist, an author, a science journalist and you're most famous book is called
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"emotional intelligence." it sold over five million copies. what is emotional intelligence. >> emotional intelligence means being intelligent about emotions. >> stephen: what does that mean? aren't books themselves like your book about -- isn't that book smart not emotion smart? (laughter) >> well, the book is about how to manage your emotions, how to be self-aware, how to be empathic, how to tune into someone else. >> stephen: but you can't think about emotions. you have to feel emotions, right? you have to project -- like emotions -- like i can't read about that, i've got to read your face, are you like rolling your eyes or going "i heard you the first time!" >> that's part of emotional intelligence, picking up cues from people about how people are feeling. >> stephen: how am i feeling right now? >> i think you're feeling very serious. are you? >> stephen: i'm not in touch with my own emotions. (laughter) >> but if you were emotionally intelligent you would be. >> stephen: you wrote an article this fall in the old "new york times," the grady di there called "rich people just
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careless." guess who has two thumbs, a lot of cash and doesn't care that these aren't thumbs, okay? (laughter) why as a rich person -- here's an emotional intelligence. why should i care about -- why should i care? i'm rich. i got mine, jack. >> reasonable question. but think about bill gates. here's a guy who made millions, billions -- >> stephen: bill's a friend, be careful. >> and he spends his time -- some of his time -- getting to know people who are very poor and getting to understand them. he says it makes things very meaningful for him. another reason is, you know, the pope makes the argument that it's the ethical thing to do is tune into people who are poor or powerless -- >> stephen: yeah, yeah, yeah. but that was the real pope. the new spoep a fake pope. are you a catholic? >> no. >> stephen: well, you wouldn't know it. that's not a real pope. >> but i like what he says a lot.
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>> stephen: of course, of course. what is the empathy gap you talk about? we have an empathy gap in america? >> the empathy gap shows up in a lot of ways. in conversation people who have more power tend to pay less attention to the person with less power. in e-mail-- very interesting-- in organizations -- >> stephen: i'm sorry, what? (laughter) >> in an organization, like in a workplace, in a business, people who are higher in the hierarchy take longer to answer e-mails from people who are lower in the organization. you can actually map the organizational hierarchy by how can it takes person a to answer person b. >> stephen: wow. i have never answered one e-mail. (laughter). >> stephen: so you must be very powerful. >> top of the pyramid, my friend. >> stephen: how do you fix it? i don't have to give away my money, do any that's a nightmare scenario. do i have to not be rich him? >> the way to heal a gap between any two groups that don't understand each other is
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contact. so, for example, when bill gates goes a third world country and meets people who have the problems of poverty, what he's doing is having the kind of time with them and understanding with them that lets him know how best to help them. >> stephen: you're not talking about me flying commercial, are you? (laughter) because even first class is like -- it looks like they shot "12 monkeys" in there. i have to fly private. i have to fly private still. >> stephen: well, it might mean flying commercial. >> stephen: have you ever been on a king air 350-i? >> no. >> stephen: then you don't know what you're talking about. (laughter) you have a new book called "focus, the hidden driver of excellence." i'm excellent. am i focusd? >> the more you can pay attention. like, for a kid, the more you can do your home work and do the games, video games, the more you can pay attention to what the teacher is saying and not text your friends, turns out that's the best predictor of your
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financial success in adulthood. better than i.q., better than the wealth of the family you grew up in. >> stephen: if i'm a rich person and i got rich by focusing, maybe that's why i have no empathy for other people because i am focused on me. (laughter) and getting stuff done. and if i had empathy for other people i wouldn't be so focused on my success. >> stephen: there are three kinds of empathy. one is cognitive. which is understanding how people think. one is emotional empathy. that's what creates rapport. then there's a third kind which is empathic concern. this is the pope's kind where you tune into people and if there's something you can do for them you do help them. and all three kinds of empathy make our lives much, much more fulfilled. >> stephen: let me ask you something. i've always wondered about this. you know how when you go to the bathroom and you're on the toilet there and there's a strong desire to read something like a book, you know? or the back of a shampoo bottle
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or something like that? is that because, you know, back in the caveman days when we would go to the bathroom we'd be vulnerable and suddenly our awareness, our focus becomes very broad for fear that the tiger is going to get us at that moment of vulnerability? is something squirtin squirtingy brain at that moment, some gland squirting that makes me interested in anything? because i've always thought if i could capture that moment of focus that i have when i'm on the toilet and reading i could turn that into pill, everyone would be a genius. (laughter) is something happening there? >> i think something is happening but we don't know what and we'd have to look at your brain to find out. >> stephen: when are we most focusd? >> turns out people are most focused during sex, no surprise. they're least focused -- the mind wanders about 50% of the time. it wanders the most when people are commuting, sitting in front of a computer terminal. >> stephen: what if you're making love at a computer terminal? >> it would probably average out to about 50%. >> stephen: well, good luck
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with your research on that particular subject. thank you so much for joining me. daniel goleman. the book is "focus." we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) avo: this holiday tech the halls and ring in the savings with a free $50 online visa when you buy a phone get great deals on the best phones at radioshack
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you so much. welcome back, everybody. you might know it's hard to believe but we've been on the air for eight years. (cheers and applause) since "the report" began in 2005 i've gotten a few gray hairs, a wrinkle or two and a crippling vicodin addiction. (laughter) jimmy, let's edit that last part out. >> can do. >> stephen: all right. now loyal viewers know that each year i unveil a newport rate of myself standing in front of my previous portraits of myself. it's a depiction of america, a mebius strip, if you will.
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today mark's the "report's" eighth anniversary if there was october 17. i'm about a month and a half behind because i'm a always forgetting my anniversary in typical guy fashion and boy am i going to get it from me when i get home. don't workry, the makeup sex is worth it. (laughter) well, it's that time again, ladies and gentlemen, so here we go. let's count down from 2. one, two -- (cheers and applause) boom! look at that! (audience chanting "stephen") that's nice. folks, i want to thank you all for eight wonderful years. and i want to thank everyone here at "the report". it's your hard work that makes it possible for me to get all the credit. (laughter) good night.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> from comedy central ealz world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart.
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>> welcome to "the daily show". thank you for join us tonight. my name is jon stewart. from the film p "dallas buyers club" this is a good movie you have to check it out. jared leto is here. unbelievable. listen to this, we're currently in what i feel like is the most wonderful time of the year. [laughter] why not? [laughter] festive trees go up, carolers break out in song. starbucks switches out the vat of pumpkin spice additives for the vat of peppermint additives.
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it's a time to cherish what we have because we could lose it. >> how majorities are become are notes at the pool. how sharia law is changing everything. >> jon: it's changing everything and probably not for the better. while i don't know what sharia law is i know it's muslim-y. and if fox is talking about it it's going to destroy the nation. >> a ymca in st. paul is starting a swim group for muslim girls but special considerations have to be made to keep with religious beliefs. >> jon: oh, my god! special considerations. everything has changed. [ laughter ] wait, what has changed? >>


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