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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  December 10, 2013 1:00am-1:31am PST

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- hold on a minute! - wait just a second! [record scratching] we just did some calculating. by not working during the strike, canadians lost $10.4 million. - and our bennigan's coupons and bubblegum is worth roughly $3,008. - don't look at that. come on, friends, let's dance. - you had no idea what you were doing and now you're trying to make it look like you won so that we won't set you adrift! - damn it, friends, don't you see? we won for future canadians, guy. so the little guy doesn't get pushed around anymore. this was a victory for canada's respect. eh, what do you think you're doing? - we're setting you adrift, idiot. - maybe you can go live with the danish! - you'll regret this day, friend! - i'm not your friend, buddy! - i'm not your buddy, guy! - he's not your guy, friend! - i'm not your friend, buddy! both: we're not your buddies, guy!
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- i'm not your guy, friends! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome. [cheers and applause] welcome to "the daily show." jon stewart. my guest tonight former pakistani ambassador to the united states husain haqqani is on the program. let us begin tonight with the national security administration which is the subject of the new ongoing series "that thing they said they are not doing, they are totally doing." [laughter] over the past six months or so people have been playing something of a fun little game
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with the n.s.a. the n.s.a. tells us they are not doing something and then we found out they are totally doing it. [ laughter ] for instance, -- >> nobody is listening to to your telephone calls. >> jon: turns out they are totally listening to your telephone calls. they storing them in this giant utah fortress of surveilitude. next. >> with respect to the internet and e-mails, this does not allow to united states citizens. >> jon: go on. >> the obama administration quietly won permission a couple years ago from a surveillance court to have the n.s.a. search for the communications of americans intercepted phone calls and the like. >> jon: on the bright side, under this plan, if you like your n.s.a. spy -- [laughter] -- you get to keep your n.s.a. spy so that is something. [ laughter ] but of course the government --
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>> his no idea we could keep our same spy. that is shock and delightful. [laughter] but of course the government couldn't get away with doing things that they swore they weren't doing because of strictness of the oversight of the nothing they weren't doing. >> this program by the way is fully overseen not just by congress but by the fisa court. it's been carried out consistent with the constitution and rule of law. >> jon: see? it turns out it wasn't so much rule of law consistent as rule of law add -- adjacent. the n.s.a. has been routinely breaking privacy rules. >> jon: rules are made to be broken. sorry, wait that is no precious moments figures. those are knead be broken. rules are made to be followed.
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even though they said repeatedly these programs are only used to catch bad guys. >> reports surfacing that some employees are tracking their love interests. >> using the enormous power of the government to eavesdrop on their significant others or people they would like to become their significant others. [ laughter ] >> jon: hey, i just met you and this is crazy but here is your number of your bank account and social security so call me or i'll continue to mon tour your activities. [laughter] i feel like at this point our intelligence community is pretty much even owning the fact that they are getting nefarious. last week the national reconnaissance office launched this spy satellite into orbit the logo they chose for the spy rocket this, is real a giant octopus sucking the face off of new york america. what is that?
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[laughter] we have no interest in your -- [laughter] seriously. that logo is one terrified school girl away from being a popular comic in tokyo. [ laughter ] yes, yes. i invented that type of porn, yes. [ laughter ] i looked at their anime porn and i said it's missing an octopus. [ laughter ] today brought what mitt be the most shocking revelation yet about the degree to which the n.s.a. has invade our lives. the n.s.a.'s activities did not stop with e-mails or cell phones with foreign leaders. the agency also spied on video game like world of warcraft and second life. >> jon: all they we chose to illustrate that with unrelated first person shooters. anyway what possible reason could the n.s.a. have for this? >> the agency feared that
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terrorists would use the games to plot attacks. >> jon: i guess it makes sense then how islamic terrorists do like to be surrounded by 72 virgins. boom! oh, yeah! [laughter] ohoh, gamer slam! [laughter] for more on this story we're joined by senior intelligence core -- aasif mandvi. >> thank you, jon. while i'm here i have to insist you refer to me as gray chalk of dunmorrow. >> jon: okay. like gray chalk is your world of warcraft troll name i guess? >> i'm not a dirty troll, jon! >> jon: all right. >> i'm a proud dwarf palladin.
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>> jon: aasif. >> gray chalk. >> jon: gray chalk were people aware that the n.s.a. was monitoring world of warcraft and people playing the game seen the effect? there. >> were signs. it seems every time i'm trying to board a flying mound i'm pulled out of the line and searched randomly. [ laughter ] they never search the elves, no. >> jon: i understand gray chalk. are people upset about the n.s.a. infiltrate? >> we feel betrayed. the idea that people are joining world of warcraft and misrepresenting themselves is unthinkable. [ laughter ] >> jon: really? >> yes this place is all about trust. if we thought that people might not be who they say they are the whole world would fall apart.
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[ laughter ] >> jon: really? >> that's right. >> jon: let me ask you something gray chalk, say that you were strolling through the azara and you encountered an attractive young elf maiden. >> blood elf or night elf. >> jon: who the (bleep) knows. which one is hotter? >> night elf. >> jon: say you are playing with this night elf and you get to know her. >> one turn stand or are we exchanging rings of forged power of the temple of the moon because if so i need endurance points, am i right? ha, ha. >> jon: i don't know if that's right. >> it's true. >> jon: say you call this woman in the real world irk might find out she's not actually that. >> what? >> jon: a woman. [ laughter ] or an elf.
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you take that back! [laughter] >> jon: what are you doing, gray chalk? >> i'm casting a level nine spell of holy wrath on you. you are not using a retribution aura are you? >> jon: i'm not. >> are you on a mac. >> jon: yes, i'm on a mac -- aasif it's not real, none of it, the spell, the monsters the world if the n.s.a. revelations teach you anything it should be that. >> that's ridiculous if the world of warcraft isn't real why have i been spending eight hours a day every day for the past 12 -- oh, my god! >> jon: aasif, are you all right? >> what have i done with my life, jon. >> jon: sorry it's better to learn this now, right? >> right. i did bank 720 gold pieces to help me start a new life in the
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real world. [ laughter ] >> jon: really? >> yeah, so i didn't waste my time at all, right. >> jon: you've done very well gray í cqb>pi÷g;g; k,x@é@é,xa ,x@énjl
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. now, with the recent passing of nelson mandela came an
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outpouring of praise from political leaders, some from the expected qualiter. secretary of state john kerry and british prime minister david cameron playing tribute. >> hillary clinton called mandela a champion for justice. harry reid writes in a way man dell yafs both the george washington and abraham lincoln of his country. >> jon: we have to make him into a white guy somehow? is that it? how would people understand the references? he's like george george except not at all. the former south african president got props from less expected figures. >> newt gingrich called mandela one of greatest leaders of the lifetime. >> jon: ted cruz released a heart felt statement would be news whether mandela died or in the. [ laughter ] it's not news that people are rushing to praise man dwreal but what is news is the reaction to that praise. >> you wrote a facebook page and
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put out a statement praising nelson man dwreal a man you supported early on and then were surprised by some of the reaction you got. this clench fist murdering guerrilla warrior does not deserve respect. >> i was surprised by it. christa posted my statement on her facebook page and amazed at some of the intensity some of whom came back three and four and five times repeating how angry they were. >> jon: one gentleman suggested that for dinner this evening i is eat a bag of (bleep) and said i resembled quite -- quote -- an elderly baby. [ laughter ] they claimed i was a sucksernube who is going to get pound. i would never say those things
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it was dr. awesomeball 69. what about ted cruz. >> nelson mandela will live in history for defenders of liberty around the globe. more than 5,000 people liked it but not all of his facebook followers agree. he was a murderer and communist why are you inspired by this. what about the rampant white genocide. another writes stalin, pol pot, fdr are also dead. they don't deserve a positive eulogy either. >> jon: you know the ghost of fdr was like how did i get dragged into this? [laughter] what did i do? [laughter] bring me a martini in a tea cup and one of my second cousins. [ laughter ] anonymous jerkz on the web site say stupid (bleep) all the time. what about nonanonymous jerks. >> nelson mandela stood up against a great injustice and
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willing to pay a huge price. that's why he is mourned today because of that struggle he performed. >> jon: that's great as long as you don't say anything else. >> we have a great injustice with an every increasing size of government that is taking over and controlling people's lives and obamacare is front and center in that. [ laughter ] >> jon: how do i put this in terms you have going to understand here. apartheid is not obamacare. [ laughter ] the systemic subgentleman gaition of a race of people different from the health care exchanges. the fact that that insurance is now mandated gets us nowhere close to a apartheid level injustice. i cannot stress this enough. let the world go forth to a new generation of americans wherever people gather on whatever it is
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americans read apartheid, injusticewise greater than by a large amount of degrees obamacare. if i may shout it from the hilltops. ♪ ♪ obamacare is not apartheid [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> jon: only injustice here is that you can make a statement like that and still goat have the tv talk -- still get to have the
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. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight was pakistans a abts of the united states from 2008 to 2011 he is currently a professor at boston university. his book is called "magnificent delusions: pakistan and the united states and an epic history of misunderstanding." mr.please welcome back to the program husain haqqani. [cheers and applause] very nice to see you again. magnificent delusions, the premise here is that pakistan and the united states are not really allies, that they are -- have a very uncomfortable relationship. is that true?
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[laughter] >> let me just say that americans sometimes make the mistake of thinking that the only thing we need to know about the rest of the world is who do we shoot or who do we take out for lunch. international lee relationships are sometimes more complex than that. >> jon: what? and pakistan is just the right country. >> jon: you are telling us this now? >> i would have told 50 years ago, too, but you had to be able to make the mistakes for me to write the book. >> jon: let me say this in true american fashion. ment you're welcome. >> thank i have much. [ laughter ] >> jon: do you think -- thank you very much. >> jon: do you think these are magnificent delusions and misunderstandings or we both really know what we're getting from the other side? >> actually if it was a transaction clearly laid out there would be lesser problems than what we have. there are many incidents in a book. i do know how to make in true
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american fashion a plot for the book. people have to read it. >> jon: sure it's quite good. >> yeah. president reagan was told by the c.i.a. that pakistan was going ahead with the nuclear program. he asked the pakistani dictatorship at the time who was helpful in the war against afghanistan. the general put his hand on his heart and said no way are we making a nuclear weapon and ronald reagan said all right. okay. fine i take your word for it. those are definitely delusions. why would a country give up its nuclear program unless and until the benefits of giving it up outweighed the advantages that they would have from having it? >> jon: well, because he put his hand on his heart which is -- as you know -- it's a bond that cannot be broken. >> i am sure that the president learned something from the general. >> jon: i think you might be right. we've been giving -- since 1947 we've been giving a tremendous
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amount of aid to pakistan with the idea that they are going to be an incredible strategic ally against the soviets, against the now islamist extremists. what makes us think that that is the case? what have they delivered on and what do they want from us other than that money? >> were you talking about the n.s.a. a little while ago. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: the nas yeah needed -- in those days there were no satellite. they needed a ground base from where to spy on the soviet union and pakistan offered them one. the flights used to take off from a place near persona war in pakistan. those kind of advantages are the quid pro quo but the cost it has been enormous. pakistan is a -- has become a dysfunctional country. almost 42% of the pakistani school age children don't good to school. you had malala here whom is
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vilified in pakistan by some people. the islamist fundamentalists who were trained and armed to fight the soviets in afghanistan have become a nuisance for the united states globally and a real threat to afghanistan, pakistan and india. the problem has been that pakistan leadership always focused on one thing which was how to make pakistan militarily equally to indian. the americans assumed if we just give them enough military equipment they'll turn away from that purpose. that was a mistake because pakistan never gave a single soldier to fight the soviets even though they kept accepting the aid on the premises that pakistan would fight the soviet union. >> jon: we've him in some ways the same delusion. we have given this money and strength in hopes of having an ally that would never turn around and bite us and pakistan has used the islamist militants
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in the same fashion giving them the arms in the hopes that they would never turn around and bite them aren't we suffering from the same -- >> absolutelien plural delusions. there are delusions on both sides. the pakistani military has to fight the militants they trained and armed. they have the discontinuation between good and bad taliban. >> jon: is this the reason why education is so difficult to come by in snaz is it -- because it's a sew fist dated country with very sophisticated people and bright people, why would they allow 43% of their people not to be educated? >> jon, pakistanis are a wonderful people. high in because i'm one. [ laughter ] but the problem has been -- [cheers and applause] -- the problem has been our government and spshly our military wefnl inherited from the british in 1947 from
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partition occurred one-third of the british indian army but only 17% of the resources. instead of deciding that you know what our military should be trimmed down so the size that we can afford, we ended up support it. even know what america has done to pakistan is that it has created this dependence instead of raising taxes, instead of exporting more, we just wait for assistance and we have a large military. we have nuclear weapons. so it's like somebody who is just exercising one arm which is the military totally ignoring education. in 1947 there was a 2% difference in literacy. today the difference say 20% difference that is the kind of mistakes that sometimes happen when foreign policy is made business based on delusion. >> jon: let me say this again you're welcome. >> thank have you he -- thank
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you very much. >> jon: it's on the bookshelves now. husain haqqani it's v
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