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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 10, 2013 7:00pm-7:31pm PST

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honored his legacy with this headline, mandela 95 dies, brokered 2010 world cup. yes, during his 27 years in prison madiba took strength in the knowledge that one day he would bring the people of south africa-- (cheers and applause) the sound of freedom. of course when you think of oppressed black people you think republican party. (laughter) and friend of the show rick santorum spelled out exactly why madiba inspires him. >> nelson mandela stood up against a great injustice. i would make the argument that we have a great injustice going on right now this this country with an ever-increasing size of government that isic thatting over and controlling people's lives. and obamacare is front and center in that. >> stephen: question, obamacare is america's
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apartheid. lev laugh. >> stephen: and if rick santorum is the one fighting it, then he is america's nelson mandela. or as his closest followers call him, tata vanilla. (laughter) folks-- (cheers and applause) folks, the holiday season is upon us unless you are jewish in which case it is already come and gone. so depressing to see the menorahs out on the curb. but i'm saended that people are losing sight of the true meaning of christmas. punching a grandma for a ps4. instead folks like washington representative jim mcdermott always twists jesus's teachings to make it all about caring for your fellow man. >> we're the richest nation in the world and when jesus had the five loafs and two
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fishes, he didn't charge food stamps. he didn't ask anybody how much money they had. he fed them because they were hungry. >> stephen: yeah, maybe. but remember, remember, folks, after the multitudes were fed, the disciples pick approximated up 12 basket fulls of broken pieces that were left over. he made too much. what he should have done was multiplied some it uperware, okay, that's how i would have done t i also would have served olives, evidently. now guys-- (laughter) people love olives. people love olives. doctor says i'm not getting enough pimento. guys like mcdermott make jesus sound like he was some kind of soft touch. thankfully papa bear bill o reilly knows what god really wants. >> you know, congressman mcdermott convinced people by saying jess wus feed the poor, which he would. we all know that. the problem that i have as i stated is are you helping one group by hurting never
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group. an a bigger group. and so i don't know if jess sus going to be down with that. >> stephen: exactly. (laughter) jesus would not be down with taking my taxes to pay for food stamps. jesus didn't take the loafs and fishes from the rich. he conjured them out of thin air. he was like christ angel mindfried. besides some of the helpless deserve even less help. >> some of the people without don't have enough to eat, it's their fault they don't have enough to eat. >> if you are an alcoholic or a heroin addict or drug addict and you can't hold a job, all right, and you can can can't support your children, what's my financial responsible to their children. >> stephen: that's right is it my fault that these kid's parents are drug addicts? maybe if the kids kept their room clean like mom asked she wouldn't have to smoke crack. kind of your fault, susie, a little bit, a little bit your fault, okay. sorry. so what's a christian like
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me supposed to do. forgive them? no. play it smart. >> i give a lot of money and you probably know this, to children's charities, okay. >> stephen: yes, bill, you don't have to tell us that. we've all seen the billboards. but bill gives right. >> okay. children who have der liblingt parents. an i say it's not the kid's fault so i will give the money to the kids. but i don't give it to charities unless the charities hands it to the kids. gets it right to the kids. so i'm circumventing the drugs and the alcohol and the other craziness. >> stephen: yeah, that's how bill and i do it, okayment you got to do it like this, okay. sometimes i just tie the money to a snake and let it sliter to the kids, okay. remember kids, you can trust people who hand money to you and said don't tell your parents. (laughter) the point is some of the poors out there do not deserve charity, especially the homeless. i means what's the big deal.
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i was homeless for a child in college until my roommate stopped having sex with his girlfriendment luckily fox business host and '70s porn stunt mustache john stossel is committed to exposing the fraud of pan handling. >> 'tis the season to be giving. >> but as johns to el demonstrates in tonight's episode ofs to el not everyone and every organization is worthy of your charity. some are actually scammers. >> i put on a fake beard and tried begging in new york city. >> you ready to freeload? >> stephen: nothing says objective journalism like, are you ready to freeload? (laughter) and that day, folk, johns to el learned what we already knew, when people look at him, they're filled with pitty. (laughter) jim. >> i hit the street and started begs. >> you can help me, ma'am. people gave me money. they gave me money when my cardboard sign said homeless and cold. >> i just begged for an hour but i did well. if i did this for an eight hour day i would have made 90 bucks, 23,000 for a year.
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tax-free. >> 11 bucks an hour. i mean make it rain! while, of course, praying that it doesn't rain. nows to el knows we must resist our natural urge to help these big fat fakers. >> are you suggesting that the people who are begging for money on the streets, we should not give them money? >> yes. and it's not i who am suggesting that, the people who work with the homeless say don't give them money. it's a bad thing. are you an enabler, are you enabling their alcohol or their drug habit. far better, if you really think they are forereal and most are not to try to help them get to one of the social service agencies. >> stephen: i say don't trust anyone who asks for changes, especially this guy. he's not homeless. i saw him in like three fancy department stores. buts to el knows that the biggest problem isn't the scammers, it's the bleeding hearts. >> when we ask givers why they gave, people said
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things like this. >> that guy looked pretty needy, i suppose. >> it is cold out, i'm pretty cold myself so i'm thinking of his situation. >> stephen: don't be a sucker. remember, empathetic is just two letters away from pathetic. and just a few more letters away from empanada okay. why can't the homeless eat those. and johns to he'll advice is in keeping with the spirit of christmas. remember what jesus said about giving things to people you don't know. before i was hungary you gave me food. i was thirsty and you gave me druchblingt i was a stranger and you took me in, suckers, this is a fake beard. burn! well, folks (applause) >> stephen: classic, classic. well, folks, i was so inspired bys to he'll one hour invested dressup that i too went undercover to
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expose the scourge of self-lessness in tonight's family holiday special, jim. >> stephen colbert's homeless for the holidays. a man who is convincingly poor? oh, thank you kind sir, i lost my job at the pudding factory. a wee problem for a spot of jam. >> what a sad story, president obama would want me to give new handout. >> ha, i'm actually a journalist portraying a no good scammer. now i'm going to blow this 20 bucks on a cadillac full of my welfare queen baby mammas. >> hi, i'm stephen colbert of the colbert report stephen colbert. you see how easy that was? it only took jay one second to give me 20 dollars. that is $72,000 an hour or $150 million a year. tax-free. and guess what, folks, it
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wasn't even real. just imagine how much money i would have if i were really homeless. >> can i have my 20 dollars back. >> no, jay, they need to learn. now quick, put these on. five, six, seven, eight. i hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring ting tingling too ♪ ♪ oh it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together you with ♪ ♪ncncdancnc
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>> stephen: welcome back. welcome back, everybody. folks, if you had followed-- you would know that i, stephen colbert, am no stranger to award ceremonies. i won emmies, my peabody, a few writers and producers guild awards and back in 2002 i took home miss congeniality on dvd but i won it in a raf sole it still counts as an award that is why i was so set this weekend for the announcement of the 56th annual grammy awards. grammy of course is short for gramophone which for you young hip kids is kind of like a record player which for you young hip kids is kind of like a cd player which for you young hip kids is kind of like an ipod which for you young extremely hip kids is kind of like a record player. and i've got-- i've got the nominee list right here, okay got the actual nominee list right here all 82 categories from best gospel
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song to best country album to the one that mclemore is expect expected to win. to be honest i'm a little confused that they have a category for best instrumental arrangement and another for best instrumental arrangement accompanying vocallist. i may not be a musicologist but isn't an instrumentalist with a vocalist just a band? i mean the oscars got rid of best silent film with talking years ago. all right, what have we got here, okay, okay, okay. here's the nominees for best spoken world album, hold on, america, again, become the greatness we never weren't by stephen colbert! i'm nominated for a grammy! wow! (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: now obviously it would be unkoout for me to lobby my fellow academy members to vote for me but i ain't running for beth couth, let's see who i am up against here, david sedaris, who else, oh, comedy icons carroll burnett and billy crystal as well as folk singer pete seeger. all brilliant entertainers with a lifetime of work to their names. i just want to say to them sincerely, i'm going to crush you. (cheers and applause) >> particularly the 94-year-old pete seeger. listen up, old man, i'm going to take you down like an uneven floor tile. so good luck to my fellow nominees. may the best man win, well answer right back.
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avo: this holiday tech the halls and ring in the savings with a free $50 online visa when you buy a phone get great deals on the best phones at radioshack
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. my guest tonight is-- that
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is how you end up with a shark in additiono. dr. keith what you have got. >> i'm good with mr. . >> stephen: mr. keith, okay, all right. you've got a little book here called a case for climate engineering. how will we save the planet. because all the people, all the chicken littles out there are saying the planet is warming up. you don't believe that dow. >> i totally believe it. it is warming up and i have been thinking about it along wither o people ways to stop it. >> stephen: okay, does involve me using one of those little pig taillight bulbs? >> that is a useful thing to do. and i have those in my house. and i'm thinking about something else. >> stephen: okay, good what is the other thing because i would like to do anything other than that. >> exactly. >> stephen: so what do we do? >> the other thing is horrifying. you could actually spray sulfuric acid in the
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atmosphere 20 kilometers over our head and use that to stop the planet warming up. >> stephen: you can spray something into the atmosphere to change-- okay. >> spray pollution into the atmosphere to stop it warming. >> stephen: so in the end pollution saves them all. we owe pollution, we owe acid rain an apology is what are you saying. >> it would be a totally imperfect technical fix t would have risks t wouldn't get us out of the long run need to stop polluting but it might actually save people and be useful. >> stephen: okay, again, i interrupted you slightly there. how does it work, you how many planes are we talking about here, how do you do this. >> let's say you wanted to stop it warming in 2020. you start with a fleet of just 2 or 3 kind of modified business jets. >> stephen: like a g-6. >> that's it. >> stephen: like a g6. >> and you put say 20,000 tons of sulfuric acid not stratosphere every year and each year you have to put a little more and in the long
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run this doesn't mean that you can forget about cutting emissions. we will need to reign it. >> stephen: no, we'll get to it eventually. in the meantime we're shrouding the earth in sulfuric acid. >> so people are terrified about talking about this because they're skaered that it will prevent us cutting emissions. >> stephen: right, and also that it is sulfuric acid. >> it is. >> stephen: is there any possible way this could come back to bite us in the ass? plan connect the earth inn sulfuric acid because i'm all for it. this is the all chocolate dinner. i still get to have the co2 and i just have to spray sulfuric acid, right. all over the earth. >> right question but we put 50 million tons of sulfuric acid. there are a million people a year worldwide, it kills. >> stephen: that's terrible. >> but it will be better if we put more in. >> we're talking about 1% of that. a tiny fraction of that. >> we should reduce it. >> only 1% more we're just killing 10,000 more people.
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>> stephen: you can do math, okay. >> but that's-- so killing people is not the objective here. >> stephen: killing people is not the objective. i just wanted to be clear. >> actually, slowing climate change, actually stopping climate change in a way that could help people this generation, people living now, in a way there's no other easy alternative. >> stephen: can you just do it for part of the planet. >> pretty of the whole planet. >> stephen: could you, just say like make things better for the united states? >> very hard to do. it seems that this is-- but the big fear is that one country will want it one way and one the other, like two frat boys argue over the thermostat and in many ways the biggest fear here, we have no idea how to actually agree about how to control the planet's thermostat. >> stephen: let's say the united states and china say yeah, let's do it but russia and india say yeah, not do it. >> this is the kind of stuff i wake up sweating about. >> stephen: exactly. >> stephen: it's your goddamn idea. >> it actually turns out to
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be an old idea. >> a sign of the community mostly decided not to talk about it for fear people would lose the threat of cutting emissions. >> what what happen to its sulfuric acid after it is sprayed. does it just stay up there. >> no, it rains down but as i said, it rains down. it's a tiny edition of what we're already doing. >> have you gotten some grief for suggestioning this? >> sure this is like writing a book about the case for leprosy. >> stephen: dow have one. >> yeah, it's a great weight loss plan. but also many people are happy that people are finally talking about this because while it is ugly t does appear that it really could do some good. >> stephen: could an individual start this? >> in practice only a country. >> stephen: what about a man in like a hollowed out volcano with henchmen who occasionally shake their fist at the sky and says they said i was a fool at
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harvard. who's the fool now! (cheers and applause) >> it's a natural worry but i think in the end, no. this would be done by major countries but the problem is how countries agree about where to set the thermostat. who decides. and my biggest reason for writing the bock and for talking about it is my view that we won't make good decisions in ignorance. >> stephen: we have to have the discussion now so when it becomes our last hope, people can say hey, we talked about this, remember. we said we get to do it. >> ed worst way to make decisions about this would be if we all agree that we won't talk about it in polite society, suppress it which is what has been happening. and then in 2030 suddenly the crisis we make fast decisions. >> stephen: maybe it's happening already. dow ever look at those planes up there, they have contrails behind them. maybe all those planes with the cron trails are spraying chemical approximates into the atmosphere right now and uncle sam sam isn't telling us. >> seems extremely unlikely.
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>> stephen: the fact that the united states isn't telling something to its citizens seems extremly unlikely. i think they might have your idea already. thank you so much. david keith, a case for climate engineering. we'll be right back.
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>> that's it for the report, everybody. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause]
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>> jon: welcome. [cheers and applause] welcome to "the daily show." jon stewart. my guest tonight former pakistani ambassador to the united states husain haqqani is on the program. let us begin tonight with the national security administration which is the subject of the new ongoing series "that thing they said they are not doing, they are totally doing." [laughter] over the past six months or so people have been playing something of a fun little game with the n.s.a. the n.s.a. tells us they are not doing something and then we found out they are totally doing it. [ laughter ] for instance, -- >> nobody is listening to to your telephone calls. >> jon: turns out they are totally listening to your telephone calls. they storing them in this giant utah fortress of surveilitude.
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next. >> with respect to the internet and e-mails, this does not allow to united states citizens. >> jon: go on. >> the obama administration quietly won permission a couple years ago from a surveillance court to have the n.s.a. search for the communications of americans intercepted phone calls and the like. >> jon: on the bright side, under this plan, if you like your n.s.a. spy -- [laughter] -- you get to keep your n.s.a. spy so that is something. [ laughter ] but of course the government -- >> his no idea we could keep our same spy. that is shock and delightful. [laughter] but of course the government couldn't get away with doing things that they swore they weren't doing because of strictness of the oversight of the nothing they weren't doing. >> this program by the way is fully overseen not just by congress but by the fisa court. it's been carried out consistent with the

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