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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 12, 2013 7:00pm-7:31pm PST

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thefestivus pole made out of beer cans. it's nuts. and i'm allergic. >> you should not have to look the a pile of bother cans when you're just trying to show your kids positive images like leaving a baby outside in the middle of the winter. but that wane even the most outrageous part of gretchen's hour of outrage. >> wait a minute, christianity stole the season from the solstice. >> that a new headline for me, that somehow christians stole christmas from the -- >> that is ridiculous. what is next, you're going to tell me that jesus was jewish, come on. (laughter) folks, i am so-- i was so-- (applause) i understand, that is how you keep jesus alive, you keep clapping. i was so enraged by this claim that i did something i'm not proud of, research. it turnal-- it turns out
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occasionally we chist yens have absorbed other seasonal tradition into our own. for example, gift-giving was don'ted from a roman festival. christmas trees came from the ancient egyptian custom worshipping the god ra with a palm rush and santa is based on a war lord cringe els the unjolly who laid waste to his enemies in coal fire. he nose like a cheree from the blood of the vanquished whose bodies he buried. so i say, we should stop these atheists by absorbing their festivus tradition like some sort of yuletide borg. it will be easy, after all, jesus was the original cheree. think about t he was a single guy, hanging out with a couple of guys. and one woman. and he's always foiled by his nemesis, hello, juddas.
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and folks, every time president obama goes overseas he embarrasses our country and he has done it again. this time at yesterday's memorial for nelson pan della. >> on his way to the podium the president shook hands with other world leaders including the cuban leader raul castro. >> our president did shake hands at one point with raul castro. >> it was the moment we all stopped and said whoa. >> yeah. >> and the other -- >> what just happened there? >> stephen: whoa! i'll tell you what just happened there, bill. the president shook hands with raul castro, and that is very, very bad because-- (laughter) little help? little help. >> just one month last year cuba jailed more than 1100 political dissidents. >> it was nauseated that he shook the hand of a murderer, a thug an those are bloodied hands. >> why should you shake hands with somebody who is ep coulding americans in prison. what's the point. neville cham erlane shook
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hands with hitlers. >> they say a friendly greeter with raul sends the wrong message. >> sending the wrong message, a message that we might talk to them again. and is nelson mandela's memorial really the place for reconciliation? shaking this man's hand-- (cheers and applause) >> i do enjoy clapping. folks, shaking this man's hand is an overt endorsement of raul's brother, fidel. and you can't do that. that is why fdr never shook hands with kevin hitler. okay. pretty nice guy, by the way. (laughter) >> stephen: solid dude. but he would help you move, you know, you call him up, kevin, would you help me move. and we say, you know, my brother is adolf hitler. and you go yeah, yeah, i know, but could you help me move, it is a five story
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walk up. and he would go i'm there, man, is there pizza. yeah, after we move there's pizza. but i'm not going to pay you the pizza before we move, you know, or bother or anything like that we move first. and then he goes it's raining. he goes nope, i'm there. that's kevin hitler. (applause) but perhaps the biggest outrage of the day had nothing to do with president obama, it had to do with the man standing a foot away from president obama. >> this is incredible. the sign language interpreter used at tuesday's memorial service for nelson mandela, right there on the stage, a foot away from the president of the united states, by 9 way, it turns out is being called a fake by the deaf federation of south africa. they're saying nothing he is doing there is sign language. >> stephen: come on, none of it was sign language, from where i'm sitting is very clearly saying-- i don't
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speak hebrew but my heart goes out to those who do, please here, have some pie and remember always wear your seat belt. (applause) what does that mean? beats me. i don't speak hebrew either. now it turns out this guy had previously worked at african national congress events where questions had also been raised about his proficiency there to which he formally responded,-- (laughter) (applause) ladies and gentlemen, it is an outrage to criticize this man. in your rush to call this good machine a fraud did you ever stop to consider that perhaps he was translating for the sign language impaired? all the deaf people out there will just never got around to using sign
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language. but still want to seem like they're participating. i mean imagine their sense of isolation, there are dead people who can't even understand other deaf people. but now there's finally someone who speaks their made up language. i have a message for the brave members of the sign language impaired community. i stephen colbert, stand with you at this difficult time. for two long, for two long you have had no voice. there has been no one to speak for you. but from great hardship comes great strength. did mandela not teach us reconciliation and
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forgiveness? so now let everyone in the deaf community join hands in the spirit of brotherhood and say hey, that's a pretty good bird. we'll be right back. modern/remixed version ♪ this holiday, tech the halls and ring in the savings with our radioshack price match guarantee. get great deals on the best brands at radioshack.
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>> hey, welcome back, everybody it seems like the bad news about obama care keeps pouring in. seems like every time i turn
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on the tv i see me scream being it. and frankly, i can't blame me, i mean first the web site was broken. then it was fixed. and now a million people have signed up. and i'm not the only one who's up set. so as host of fox news's i still have a show mike huckabee, last saturday he took obama care down with the power of song. >> while most of us are scrambling to get our shopping done, the president is busy selling a health-care plan that, well, not a lot of americans are buying. so to help us celebrate the most wonderful time of the year, we're joined by the jolly holiday carrolling company for a little spin on the holiday classic this is the 12 days of bama care ♪ obamacare is to me ♪ ♪ a doctor i can't see ♪ on the 2 be day of christmas obamacare gave to me ♪ ♪ two and a doctor i can't
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see ♪ ♪ on the third day of christmas obamacare gave to me big hikes, and a doctor i can't see ♪ ♪ on the 4th day of christmas obamacare gave to me a four month delay, three rate hikes, two-- and a doctor i can't see ♪ ♪. >> stephen: folks, that is a great song to parody because everyone knows jokes get better the more times you repeat them. while comedians call the rule of 12. and here comes the best part. >> on the fifth day of christmas obamacare gave to me-- . >> stephen: get it five harry reids. like five golden rings. harry reids, golden rings, golden rings, marry reids, it's funny because harry reid is the senate majority leader, you know-- golden
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rings well, folks, that was so inspired by huckabee that i made my own antio banlacare song parody for steven colbert's now that's what i call christmas health care parody volume 1. okay. given to a friend and they will enjoy christmas classics like hark the herald cathleen sebelius, glory to obamacare. >> and ♪ ♪ bomb-- obamacare is beginning to look a lot like socialism, every hospital you go ♪ ♪ plus, felize -- an no
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election would be complete without-- away in a health care manager, he said if you liked your health care plan you could keep it ♪ ♪ obamacare made a little lord jesus cry. ♪ and for the kids out there. ♪ frosty the biden ♪ da da da da ♪ and the whole family will sing along with. ♪ oh o bomba care ♪ oh obama care ♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh
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obamacare ♪ ♪. >> act now and will you also get jingle obamacare dog, a bunch of lovable sickly conservative pups barking your favorite christmas anti-obamacare songs. like this classic ♪ ♪ ♪. >> over now, before another million people sign up for obama care. we'll be right back. [woman] you wrapped the...
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[man] it's nothing but tape... [woman] it's a block. we're havin' a baby! [laughter in background] [woman screams] are we havin' a baby? [ambient crying and laughter]
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>> welcome back, my guest tonight is a best selling author whose new book is called the signature of all things. i'm hoping to get my copy autographed by all things. please welcome elizabeth gilbert. (cheers and applause) >> thank you. >> for those of you people out there who have not bought and read your book eat, pray, love, let me tell a few people about you. you are the author of several boxes of fiction, pilgrim, stern men, committed and of course eat, pray, love. which sold 10 million copies. (applause) >> i know that you bought one because are you just right in the demographic. >> absolutely. >> i have womanly hips. now boy, 10 million copies.
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no problem eating these days. >> or loving. >> really, really? >> but no-- but no praying. >> no, prayers of gratitude. >> okay, good. >> yeah, good. now you've got a new book called the signature of all things. is like an eat pray love electric boog a loo. >> it. >> i kind of wrote the sequel already because right after eat, pray love i wrote this book called committed which is about getting married. and i thought that was enough about me, i think we could all agree. >> stephen: i don't feel that way. >> about me or about you. >> stephen: about me, actually. >> okay, what about me? but i decided to go back to fiction which is where i got my start and i wanted to write the kind of book that i always loved to read. a big giant dekensian epic novel of ideas with action, adventure on the high seas. >> so this is another book about a woman in the 19th century. what is she-- she is a polite-- she's called a polite-- which is what they
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called women who debotanist to distinguish them from a man. >> why make her a bot annis in the 19th century. for a woman in the 19th century wouldn't a more realistic occupation be dying in childbirth? >> professional bleeding out woman, yeah. unfortunately, yes, however there were an amazing number of female bot annises. it was the only science that women were a little bit welcomed in to because flowers. >> stephen: oh, flowers are girls. >> they kind of-- the world of plants is really boring to women so women kind of snuck into that world of gardening and once they were in there they made amazing contribution, so i wanted to write about one of those women. >> stephen: is there-- sense there sexy times in this book. >> yeah. >> stephen: real sexy times or just pistols and stammens.
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>> flowers they say are sex made evidence. you don't have to look very care floe at an orchid or georgia o'keeffe painting to get-- . >> stephen: wow, should i pixel ate my rose garden. >> cross pollinate. >> stephen: i do, baby. >> i think-- very sexy time. she is a woman of great passion and desire which is something that i wanted to do because i feel like as a contemporary require writing about the 19th century i can do like the brontes and jane austen and elliott could only hint at. i can actually say what happens. >> all right what does happen? i mean without giving everything away, does mr. darcy come in and then take her away and then she gets on to the important work of cutting crusts off cucumber sandwiches? what is the future for a 19th century woman. >> well, there's love in the story but he essentially what this is a book that celebrates a woman's locationment because i felt that is a story we've never heard. and as a woman who herself has had her life saved so many times by her passion for her work i wanted to talk about somebody whos who
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lives up and downs and romances and dramas may come and go but what is at the centre of is it is this desire to understand nothing less than the working of the natural world. she spends her complete life in devotion to science. >> is she obsessed. >> she's obsessed. >> you did a talk on creativity. >> i didn't and one of the things you said is that you don't think that people have to like suffer to be an artist, okay. >> yeah. >> you have suffered? >> sure. i have suffered. >> okay, you've suffered. and you're an artist. >> i have suffered but i haven't developed a narcissistic addiction to the idea of being a suffering artist which is something that i object to. because i feel like there is this hangover from german romant civil that says if are you not misserable in making everyone around you miserable than you are not a serious artist. and i disagree with that. >> van gogh didn't cut off his ears alike a weight loss. he's a messerable person. don't great artist, i'm not saying you aren't a great artist. pain are you and are you not
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giving your suffering enough credit. >> right. i should sort of go deeper into it. >> maybe your narcissism is saying that i'm not a nars cyst-- narsisys. >> i don't think anybody who wrote two memoirs in a row should have to defended question of whether or not she's a narsisys. that puts me in a bad position. >> stephen: how about this idea. what if everybody suffered but artists do something about it. >> that's true. >> they leave their suffering out in, like paint on a palace. >> yeah. >> and then they show you what they're responsible-- even if they are not showing you their suffering, they don't have-- you don't have to paint the tiers but you can use the tears to paint something pretty. >> do you paint a lot with your tears. >> i have never suffered. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining us. >> always a joy, stephen, thank you. >> stephen: elizabeth gilbert, the signature of ings.hings. modern/remixed version ♪
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this holiday, tech the halls and ring in the savings with our radioshack price match guarantee. get great deals on the best brands at radioshack.
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>> that's it for the report,
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everybody. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is dial "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> jon: boom! welcome to "the daily show." miss to see you -- nice to see you. my name is jon stewart. one of our guests tonight author reza aslan is on the program this evening. we'll pick off where we left off last night with the united states congress. if you tuned in you might have seen this how this, the 113th
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congress is perhaps the worst congress -- [ laughter ] -- in the history of not just this nation -- [laughter] -- so we thought we would check in on what today's congressional (bleep)ry was what do they do today? pass a resolution demanding preapproval of all presidential handshakes? [laughter] refuse to vote on anything except whether to add cronuts to the congressional brunch. [laughter] sitting around saying that sax by chambliss is an acceptable name. it's not. it's not okay. it's just not okay. [laughter] my apologies to apologies to ths family. what is congress up to? congress may be ready to call a truce in the budget wars. >> a bipartisan budget deal has been reached to avoid another government shutdown. [ laughter ]
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[laughter] >> jon: deal? deal? what type of witchcraft is this? deal? the elders have spoken of such wonders but i thought like the yelty it belonged to -- like the yeti it belonged to legend. if this be true, it be incredible. may it be? could it is? >> we have a deal. ♪ hallelujah >> jon: that's it just two? do we have any -- >> almost a hallelujah moment here. it's not the grand bargain many were hoping for. >> jon: i knew it. so the hallelujah for this moment is not of the handle variety or of the -- handel variety or the leonard cohen variety. the melan collie one -- m


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