tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central December 19, 2013 1:30am-2:01am PST
captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [cheering and applause] >> jon: my show. my beautiful show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> people are holding tickets that match the winning numbers in the $636 million mega millions drawing. >> let's go from the best of luck to the worst of fate, it's still not clear why a gunman walked into a medical buildi captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org test. >> stephen: tonight is santa claus an american, well, he is fat and wears a velvet track suit. then a shocking taste of government waste. there is nothing wrong with the old hampshire. and my guest is keanu reeves who stars in the new samurai
movie "47 ronin", oh, three more and he can get the free "ronin". stock tores say an apple a day may prevent heart attack, if only there were some sort of rhyme to remember that. this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you so much. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, you
are watching the cole bert report and i certainly hope that you are. you know that i love ranking things in lists. in fact, i say lists ranking ranks as my number four passion. right after two fingers of bourbon and three fingers of bourbon. now of course among rankophiles the cream de la cream de la crop is the american customer satisfaction index which ranks customer satisfaction among 190 major brands. is the most trusted ranking of corporate likability next to people magazine's sexiest corporation alive. (laughter) wouldn't mind sprinkling some brown sugar on that. now according to the acsi this year's top customer satisfier was mercedes-benz, the cadillac of cars. so congratulations on the extra effort, mercedes, which of course was a complete waste.
because bloomberg business week crunched the data this week comparing the satisfaction ranks with each company's stock price and found that customer service scores have no relevance to stock market returns. the most hated companies performed better and your con tempt really truly doesn't matter. if anything t might hurt company profits to spend moneymaking customers happy. that's right, folks, the free market has spoken. and it said [bleep] you. (laughter) >> stephen: for instance, the stock of one of the lowest scoring companies in the survey time warner cable surged 450% over the past five years, which is particularly surprising since five years is how long you've been waiting for the cable guy. remember, remember, they said he'd be there between 2009 and 2014, so don't go anywhere.
and since apparently having customers hate su good for business, i'm going to help american corporation right now get customer satisfaction numbers right in the toilet. so release the files that show richard branson was the zodiac killer that is how he smiles when he cut you are your tongue out. bank of america give customers who hope open a checking account a free toaster and hepatitis c, olive garden change your slogan from when are you here you're family to the way to put a penis ton. (laughter) by the way, but you still get unlimited bread sticks. (laughter) folks, last week i defended fox news senior ice sculpture megyn kelly after liberals attacked this good woman for saying santa claus is white. now kelly has support from prominent african-americans
like bill o'reilly. i don't see race but i assume he's black because you know, his name sounds black, o'reilly, o'neill, o bomba. brother bill, represent, and kelly is correct. >> santa was a white person. the historical truth is that st. nicholas, the prototype of santa was white. he was born sometime around 288 ad in asia minor. now the country known as turkey, see, he was from turkey, just the white meat part. but you know, hate is going to hate like cnn's senior don lemon don lemon who fired back with this. >> with me tonight exclusively not one, not two, not even three but four santas. ho, ho, ho. >> ho, ho, ho. >> one black, one latino and one filipino. >> stephen: one black, one latino and one filipino santa that reminded he me of
a great joke i can only tell to a white santa. (laughter) but folks, it's pretty good. (applause) (cheers and applause) i'm sorry, ma'am, but that's not my boot. but folks, there's an even greater danger than santa being from the wrong race. he might be from the master race. because germany has laid claim to father christmas arguing that he has german origins and is in danger of being sidelined by america's santa claus. wow. oh, oh, oh, germany going after santa? looks like someone didn't learn their lesson about invading the poles. folks, i tell you, i tell you what right now, folks-- (applause) these scrooge mcdeutschelanders claim that father christmas was born in the mid 19th century when a
munich magazine published a mack of a grim looking man in a hooded coat carrying a christmas tree through the snow. bad news, germany, that's not a beloved christmas symbol, that's just a homeless guy, okay. he thinks the tree is his wife. (laughter) but evidently father christmas is white, so he could come up with santa claus forming a kind of axis of racial purity. there's no way that could go wrong. for more on this christmas culture war please welcome germany's ambassador to the united nations, the honorable hines beinholz, thank you, mr. ambassador. thank you much. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: please, now, now mr. ambassador, thank you so much for joining us. tell me, who, to the german people who is father christmas? >> father christmas is a investigate a bond,.
he's only-- never from its roots. slowly des kating, forever a burden like children. (laughter) (applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: just to be clear, just to be clear, german's love him, right. >> yes. as bleak winter descends like a shrewd over germany his gives the only distraction from the hovering darkness. its whole of oblivion forever licking at our doors with his eternal tongue until we become too weak to fight. and lie down to be taken by the cold embrace of the snow.
(applause) >> stephen: okay, hands, it's christmas, let's keep it light, let's keep it light, all right. >> oh, would you care for a candied cane? >> stephen: thank you very much, that's nice. >> it represents the emotional crutch of the season's empty frivolity, each chip a proposing of the all box in which we will all be wrapped, a gift only to the worms. (laughter) >> stephen: that's about all we have time for. thank you so much. >> oh, look, we are under the mistle toe. (cheers and applause)
konichiwa. >> konichiwa-- brark speaking japanese (. >> stephen: it's so wonderful to meet you and be angry with you in person. the three things that piss me off. you're a canadian. you're an acker. if you tell me are you a vegan i'm kitting off your mike right now, no, you're not, okay. also you're 49 and i'm 49. you go to hell. (laughter) are you an elf? what is with you. >> it doesn't count what is on the outside all the time, it's what is inside. >> stephen: please tell me this has to do with eating bacon. >> absolutely. no, i can't say anything about that. it is my ancestor. >> stephen: oh, good genes. >> good genes. >> stephen: all right, listen, i don't have to explain anyone here who keanu reeves, name your favorite movie, quick, go.
all of those, all of those. you've got a new one now. >> that is what it feels like to me. >> stephen: you walk on the street and people just -- >> no, no, not like that, just-- . >> stephen: you have got a new movie called the "47 ronin". >> "47 ronin". >> stephen: i love this story, it was one of the most performed japanese plays of all time. >> yes, it is. >> stephen: tell the good people the story of the 47 ronen. >> in what, 30 seconds. okay. >> stephen: no, i will do it if you want. >> you can? >> stephen: you can just go back there and watch. >> no-- su have done enough work v a drink of water. let's watch a clip of the movie. >> thank you, sir .
>> (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so, i assume it's a bit of a chick flick. >> yeah, it is, actually. there's a big love, impossible love. >> jon: that guy is looking at you, the guy looking, he's looking at you like he is the one, are you the one? are you the one in this one? >> no. >> stephen: he's not. >> i'm a part of a group. >> stephen: how many are in the group? >> there's 47. >> stephen: . >> there there is also a princess as well fighting for her home as well. >> stephen: besides being in guy that of looks to in these movies to be the one, you've got your own uniqueness in your own life.
you're a hollywood superstar and you don't live the hollywood superstar life. why are you so low key and laid backment shouldn't you be out there riding a white tiger knee deep in hookers and blow? what is the use of being a superstar if you can't act crazy. >> -- i don't know, no, i-- you know, i kind of, i don't get out much, just kind of low key like you say, work on working. (laughter) >> stephen: it's actually quiet. >> yeah, sure. >> and then we can look up. >> stephen: you want quiet.
>> it's not easy s it. >> no, it's not. >> stephen: you'll learn, you'll learn. you'll learn young keanu. >> but maybe i did that on purpose. >> stephen: now the student has become the master. you are not only an actor but a musician and now you're a director. you're director man of tie chi. and also in man of tie chi. >> i am, was. >> stephen: did you have to have sex with the director to get that part? >> no comment. >> stephen: i'm sorry to take some of time asking these questions but i want to digest what you are saying in the speed in which you're telling me. and i don't mean that per jor difficultly. >> okay. >> stephen: i actually want to understand. you're also a mean.
>> i have been a mean. >> stephen: sad keanu. >> everybody knows, everybody loves that keanu. are you sad? >> no. >> stephen: is this happy? >> i'm happy to be here. >> stephen: you're happy to be here. you can show me, can you show moo that, would you mine if i asked you as an artist to show you sad. >> nobody, not at all. what kind of sad joo keanu sad. >> well, there's lots of different kinds of keanu sad. >> stephen: loss of a loved one. >> oh, gosh, that's heavy. wow, i don't know if i can do that one. >> stephen: how about loss of a cell phone. (laughter) >> i'll dial it way back, i'll dial it way back. >> okay, but then i have to do loss of a cell phone but how about if just melancholia where. >> stephen: okay, melancholia.
>> stephen: all right. all right. all right. a warm memory, a warm memory, warm memory. >> give me another one. >> okay all right. you found your your cell phone. >> stephen: i totally believed that. keanu reeves, thank you so much for joining me. thank you so much. keanu reeves. the "47 ronin". we shall return. keanu.
>> stephen: folks tonight we want to wish a merry christmas to all those serving overseas and all those that have come back from our wars but whom the fight is not over. joining us now the wounded warrior band and great aaron neff ill here supporting the children's health fund. ♪ sigh ♪ i've heard there was a secret chord ♪ holy night ♪ all is calm ♪ all is bright