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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  December 19, 2013 7:30pm-8:01pm PST

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to "the daily show." my name is still jon stewart. the guests tonight, you couldn't have tuned in on a better night. a lot of shows say, we've got will ferrell on the show. that's tremendous. we also have david koechner on the show. that's almost too much show. paul rudd will be joining those two, the three of them and what do we get, three, why not four, why not put steve carell on the show, as well, all four. [cheering and applause] and what did you do today? [laughter] let's begin in washington. you know, if you watch this show regularly... [laughter] really? nobody? all right. you're probably accustomed to two things: the delightful rhyme [bleeped]. [laughter] and maddening tales of waste,
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fraude and abuse. well, tonight we have tale so wasteful, so fraudulent, so abusey, you can't hate the player, you can only [bleeped] the game. why would i say that again? that doesn't even... that doesn't belong there. it makes no sense. just go to it. >> this is the case of john beale, who was the highest-paid e.p.a. official there is and one of its top experts in climate change who has now admitted through his lawyer that he did absolutely no work for years by telling his bosses he was doing undercover work for the c.i.a. it turns out he had no affiliation with the c.i.a. whatsoever. [cheering and applause] >> jon: i tip my cap to you. this is amazing. what a delicious stew of government bugaboo, no-show job, a climate change gob, lack of oversight with just a sue sont
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of brazen fraud. you say it's interesting, it's a good story. i'm looking in the direction of this story. hook me. >> he told his bosses that he was working undercover for the c.i.a., spending a lot of time in pakistan dealing with the taliban. in fact, investigators have now discovered he was actually at home in northern virginia riding bicycles, reading books. [laughter] >> jon: this is what's so wonderful about this story: this man is a liar and boring as [bleeped]. that's what's so fascinating here. it is an amazing fraud perpetrated by a guy so he could do things we only do when we've run out of other things to do. [laughter] i will commit fraud and then... read a book, maybe ride a bike.
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there's nothing on television. then i'll make some juice from concentrate. i don't know. so again, it's brazen criminal, ordinary life. he's the secret life of walter [bleeped]. you know, take it up a notch. for instance, give us some tiny perks whose benefit is dwarfed by the tickishness required to procure it. how far would this man go to get how little? >> beale got a coveted parking space by representing that he had malaria. >> jon: malaria! malaria! he has told people he has malaria so that he may park closer to the job he does not show up at. [laughter and applause] and, pray tell, how did this gentleman contract malaria? >> malaria, contracted while he
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was serving in vietnam. >> jon: i almost hesitate to ask, but... >> he didn't have malaria and he'd never been to vietnam. >> exactly! [audience boos] >> jon:, no i scoff at your boos and, in fact, say yay. he didn't need to go to all that trouble. he could have gotten a handicapped parking space for a legitimate medical reason -- his gigantic balls. [cheering and applause] just drive up. i'm sure his boss would have said, don't worry about parking, just drive up on the sidewalk. i don't want you to drag those magnificent [bleeped] testicles on the asphalt. i could go on. i could talk about how john beale retired from the e.p.a. yet convinced them to continue paying him because his c.i.a.
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work was ongoing, or how he made the e.p.a. fly him first class all the time because he had a bad back, again i'm assuming ball-related. [laughter] or we could talk about the retention bonuses they pay john beale lest he leave and not show up at a different job. but that's not what elevates this story from the ridiculous to the sublime. ladies and gentlemen, i give you former e.p.a. air policy office director robert brenner, a friend of mr. beale's for over 30 years. he recruited mr. beale to work at the e.p.a. this is how his trust is repaid. he's got to be furious. >> when's the last time you saw him, besides today? >> i've seen mr. beale periodically over the last... well, actually i've seen him a lot over the last two weeks. >> jon: sure, i can imagine because of coincidental courtroom run-ins and that sort of thing. >> because he had rented out his house in arlington. he's staying in my guest room
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now. [audience reacts]. >> jon: and that, my friends, the prestige. enjoy. >> he's staying in my guest room now. >> mr. chairman, is... this is just an unbelievable story. i give back. >> jon: holy [bleeped]! this guy beale, this is amazing. this guy beale just broke the house oversight committee. [laughter] look at him. he can't even take it anymore. he's like, sorry, guys, i got to tap out. lucky for him, though, someone else is ready to tap in, baby. >> beale is being... wait a minute. i just... beale is staying in your guest house? >> mr. cummings, mr. beale needed a place to live in the
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area. >> are you married? your wife agreed to that? >> yes, she did. >> okay. [laughter] >> jon: suddenly, suddenly, for just that one, brief, mir miraculous shining moment, democrat, republican, white, black all believed in santa again. [laughter] for more we're joined by senior washington correspondent john oliver. john, thank you for being here. what an incredible story. >> john, that story is amazing. , not so much that john beale did it, but i think maybe that he got away with with it. >> jon: right. >> the key question here is: how on earth did all those people fall for all this c.i.a. bull [bleeped].
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>> jon: i have no idea, no idea. >> how could he possibly have been a covert operative in pakistan, jon, when his native american background expressly forbids him from being deceptive or crossing big water. [laughter] >> jon: wait, what? no. native americans can cross... he's not native american. >> whoa, whoa, whoa, he's not native american? jon, he's the great, great grandson of sitting bull. >> jon: john, that sounds like another lie. >> really, jon? if that's a lie, then this is probably just some cheap costume from halloween shop and not a priceless tribal heirloom that beale gave to me out of the kindness of his cherokee heart. >> jon: first of all... sitting bull... >> i guess it's all a lie to you, isn't it? >> jon: sitting bull wasn't cherokee. he was lakota, sioux. that's got a price tag on it.
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>> apparently his people use every part of the merchandise. >> jon: he's lying to you. i can't even figure out why beale is lying to you. >> exactly. why would he, jon, why would the 1938 wimbledon champion have to lie? he does not. >> jon: john mcenroe won wimbledon in 1983. >> oh, please. now you're going to believe everything that john mcenroe tells you, jon? i happen to have john beale's wimbledon trophy. >> jon: that's a dixie cup! >> excuse me, jon, i'm british. i think i i'd recognize the gentleman's singles championship trophy. >> jon: what else did this guy tell you, that his urine tastes like champagne? oh, for god's sake, you didn't! >> i'm a journalist, jon, when someone makes a claim like, that you fact check it. you fact check it, jon! you do it. [cheering and applause] you open wide and your verify.
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>> jon: so? >> it was a bit warmer than i remember champagne being, jon. slightly less fizzy. still gave me a wicked hangover, though. wicked. >> jon: you almost have to admire this guy, beale. >> i know. i should be made. after all, he urinated directly into my mouth, and yet i'm no. i'm just not. i'm not mad at him. i like him. he's a charming fellow. >> jon: i am awfully glad that you clarified that. i was assuming that he presented it in a glass. >> no, no, no. he pointed and i... [laughter] that was it. that's what happened. >> jon: john oliver, this holiday, tech the halls and ring in the savings
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with up to 50% off rc toys android tablets as low as $89.99 and stocking stuffers under $9.99 get great deals on the best brands at radioshack.
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>> jon: welcome back. by now we all know the american government is spying on us. they're in our phones, our
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e-mails, our tumblrs, the grinders, the twitters, the whitakers -- that's an an than tells you where forest whitaker is at all times. you're not safe anymore anywhere, or to paraphrase a certain sage philosopher... ♪ i always feel like somebody's watching me ♪ that brings us to our new segment, "somebody is watching me." but you don't have to worry about "big brother" anymore, big brother is getting in on the game. >> the new spying scandal this morning, though, not some government agency. no, at ikea. the furniture company stands accused of spying on employees and customers in france. >> jon: france! not just ikea, french ikea, a place that combines the chaos and frustration of ikea and combines it with france.
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[laughter] so here's the deal: there's in way ikea has been spying on their employees because if they did, they would know that ikea has a terrible feline infestation. [laughter] i'm being told that's just an ad for their new line of cat urine scented furniture. so what are theseling -- these lingonberry slingers trying to find out? >> ikea may have used information to quell workplace grievances. >> >> jon: that's got to be one of the most humiliating places to be fired from. monsieur bernard, i know you've been stealing flaärdfulls, so pack up your things and get off the dagstorp and don't let the billy-olsbo hit you on the way out, any of the fine billy products. we looked at the thing and the doors are called billies.
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it's funny that this was going on at ikea of all places because they actually sell an item that shields you from being spied on. it's called the ingen spy. i'm just going to order it right now. i'm just going to order it up. wow. that was fast. they you so much, sir. very kind of you, sir. no, you. thank you, sir. no, really. thank you. well, i'll just see what you got here. we'll put this together. very nice. alan wrench. >> he's trying
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[cheering and applause] welcome back. my guests tonight, they are the stars of "anchorman 2: the legend continues." >> what about the time that you dared cam to drink that beer stein full of wool lite. >> he drank it faster than you could say, "no, don't do it, that's the equivalent of drinking poison." [laughter] >> i was in a six-month coma. they say from the neurological damage there's no way i live past 55. [laughter] >> you got three years left, my friend. >> you're going to die! [laughter]
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i can't... i can't... don't let me. >> will ferrell, david koechner, paul rudd and steve carell. [cheering and applause] >> thank you so much. you're beautiful. thank you. thank you so much. you're beautiful. look at that. look at that. you're beautiful. thank you, guys. oh. thank you. thank you so much. oh, boy. >> jon:, no no, no. guys, guys, i don't know what to
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say. i mean, i have to say... i mean, i did not expect that you would take all the stuff out of the green room and then bring it out hire as though it was a gifted, and i just thank you because that was really... that was like would have been thoughtful. so thank you. >> the least we could do. >> no, appreciate it. >> the very least. >> seems really cluttered in there. >> yeah, no, no, no. i get that. that was really nice. >> and we asked, which are your favorite items. >> jon: i love, i always say, oh, my god, the place where the straws are. >> do you like globe? >> jon: i looked at it and i was like, oh, that's mine, that's already mine. i remember thinking that. and i was thinking, it's so nice of steve to bring it out here so i can obviously have to put all this [bleeped] away. thanks a lot, guys. that's terrific. i obviously it was sort of a surprise that you were all coming. we were excited. we were delighted.
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>> uh-huh. >> jon: obviously we weren't so ready for it, so i got... so that's it for you and a gift for you. that's not really... >> what did he get? >> steve used to work here. just don't... it's your favorite. it's the chateau la feet. >> excellent. >> jon: and these are from chile. >> oh. >> and they were picked. and i know the way you like them. it had to be by abused may granted workers, and it was. >> so delicious. thank you. >> jon: you're very welcome, and once again, thank you for all my stuff. [laughter] so let me just talk to you. so dish the dirt on your co-stars. >> you know what, do you want to know? >> jon: i hear ferrell's a bit of a drunken public -- prick on set. >> true.
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>> jon: i hear koechner is just an avid porn fanatic. >> he loves porn, and he likes watching it on planes. we've done a lot of traveling together, so he'll watch it on planes, too. it's really disturbing. >> jon: i can't wait to ask him about it. um, paul rudd is not aging in a normal human way. [laughter] [cheering and applause] for the rest of us time marches inexorably on, and yet he has some combination of yoga or nazi blood has managed to maintain a youthful vigor that makes me feel like if i kill him ik becoe him. >> that's true. and if you... you could cut off
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his face and apply it to your face, and those healing knew -- nutrients. >> jon: really? >> it's like osmosis. >> jon:, when i see him, i'm going to cut that [bleeped] face off. >> i think you should. >> i don't think you want to sit in that chair. >> jon: how are you gentlemen doing? nicely done. the bid is over. [cheering and applause] you'll all get a turn in the big man's seat. hey, hey, i wasn't kidding about that. that's real. son of a bitch. get it out. you son of a bitch. [bleeped] [bleeped] [cheering and applause]
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>> don't do it. don't do it. >> jon: that's mine! that is mine! no! nooooooo! it's all ruined. you maniac! "anchorman 2: the legend continues" is in neaters now. will ferrell, david modern/remixed version ♪
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this holiday, tech the halls and ring in the savings with our radioshack price match guarantee. get great deals on the best brands at radioshack.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [cheering and applause] >> jon: my show. my beautiful show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> people are holding tickets that match the winning numbers in the $636 million mega millions drawing. >> let's go from the best of luck to the worst of fate, it's still not clear why a gunman walked into a medical buildi
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org 8y@a [ techno music plays ] ♪ dave ♪ dave ♪ dave chappelle's a funny ♪ funny guy [ tires screech ] what the [bleep] are you doing?! you gotta get outta my car. i'm serious! [ tires squeal ]

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