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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  February 4, 2014 12:01am-12:32am PST

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: captioning sponsored by comedy central >> it's 11:59. in 59 seconds this happened on deadspin today. >> investigate 9/11, nine nooun was perpetrated by people in our own government. (laughter) >> all right. >> a 9/11 truther lied his way into the most tightly guarded event of the year leaving some to speculate it was also an inside job.
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as confused super bowl mvp malcolm smith looked on the truther got his conspiracy theory out, comedians i'm going to talk about the super bowl and i would like you to interrupt me. and please hurry, i know very little about the super bowl. well, okay, the super bowl is they throw a football -- >> investigate the green room toilet clog the it was perpetrated by -- >> and then the one team had a guy. >> the government is taking all of our taxes. look into it all of them. >> and then puppy bowl -- >> mighty ducks 3 is underrated. >> that is the real truth. it's time to start @midnight. dheers plaus hello i'm chris hardwick, i have to reassemble my control panel so everything is exactly in place. perfect perfect perfect
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perfect. welcome to @midnight that digs deep into social media for points. tonight's comedians are from the kroll show and how to be a man it's megan neuringer. (applause) all right cohost of just quack don't echo on natgoe an amazing show you can go to, it's seth herzog. (applause) >> yes. >> did you call each other about what you were going to wear. >> i thought i was hosting. >> yeah man. >> i literally told i was going to host the show. >> bought the last michael knight leather jacket. >> seth and i-- had to find other options. >> yeah. >> this video pod cast getting doug with high live wednesday at 4:15 p.m. pacific time on the youtube channel it is doug benson. (applause)
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doug's been on the show five times, what advice dow have for our less seasoned players neck to you within um (laughter) >> all right. it's ripped from today's internethead lines. it's rapid refresh. (applause) okay. super bowl was a blowout. peyton manning and the broncos scored only 8 points more than i did. thanks to reddit users testing pilot boy with made this gift before the game had actually finished. and there it goes. lav -- (laughter) peyton manning was so sad that smartbox created this
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magic on their facebook page. was that the dog that lost the puppy bowl. >> yeah. >> what other points please caption this work of internet art. >> doug benson. >> don't get up set when they lose the bowls too. >> points for doug benson. you want a chance. >> we both took a dump on a field on sunday. >> yes! points for megan neuringer well done. perhaps the greatest moment of any professional sporting event ever was the 2 minute commercial that aired locally in georgia during the super bowl and immediately went viral on youtube, did you see it do you know what i am about to show you. here is part of this amazingness. what do you do when you go to work.
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(cheers and applause) that's to the guitar plague comedians whack is this a commercial for is it a a discount cemetery. b beef jerky. c, a personal injury lawyer. >> doug benson. >> c, it is a personal injury lawyer who hates tomb stones. >> he does not like tomb stones, yes, it is in fact a personal injury lawyer. (applause) the lawyer's name is probably the best name i have ever heard it is jamie casino. and he's going to gamable with your legal future. he will almost certainly be played by nick cage in a movie and probably already has. based on this commercial what should jamie cassino's catch phrase be. >> oh i'm jamey casino and
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i've been disbarred! >> points. >> all right guys t is time for tonight's hashtag wars. (cheers and applause) again last night was a thrashing in the sport of footballing. forcing people to dot unthinkable at super bowl parties have actual conversation about things. we do not want that to happen again which is why tonight's hashtag is superbowlimprovement. 115 million people did watch the super bowl. still think things could be improved could be. examples bruno unmars or red velvet urinal cakes or concussion cam oh that would be so rad. i will put 60 seconds on the clock. starting now go. >> doug. >> differs on the goalpost. >> herzog. >> more penetration in the end zone.
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>> whoa. >> megan neuringer. >> not football. what that's unamerican points. >> doug benson. >> the players have to put on a halftime show. that would be amaze-tastic. >> yes herzog. >> mascot canon, you shoot the mascot into the stands. megan-- no, say it anyway, do this. >> joe namath sniplips. >> replace coin toss with pie eating contest. >> it might take longer but it would be more fun. >> boys doug benson. >> weed? that was such a daringly
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cheap pandering joke i am going to give you points for it. (cheers and applause) >> that's doug's answer for most of the things tonight. >> a lot of the things. >> for every for the rest of the show we will see who wins. all right that is the end of hashtag wars sen us your hashtag superbowlimprovements to keep the game going. we'll be back with more @midnight. sent to us
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>> (cheers and applause) welcome back to @midnight it is time to play get a room. get a room. a great place to have one-night stand for murderers but you can also find apartments on it. i will show you photos of an apartment and for 250 points i want you to come up with a better line to sell it than the real tag line. here is the first one basement for rent, females only. >> yes seth herzog. >> one way in no way out.
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>> horrible horrible boys. 250 a month, not an actual real bedroom. it's like a promo shop for hoarders. >> yes dug. >> dust not included. >> wait, this is crazy. so looks like there's a door up hear and you just sort of fall in a pile of gar banl that is why the garbage is there for to catch you. next one 200 a month it's out the road so must be willing to drive. >> the only bus you're legally allowed it to jerk off in. wow. >> the ghost of children are friendly right?
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points for doug benson for that. >> all right guys, that is the end of get a room. now it's time for our next way kanye or nay. i think it's safe to say that kanye west is now more famous for his twitter meltdowns than for actually being a rapper. so i will give you a subject that kanye tweeted about and tell me if he thinks its dope by saying kanye or if its back, nay. so here is the first one. striped scarves, what does he think. >> kanye! >> kanyeness no, no nay. >> what? >> he has one. >> i know he's wearing. >> he's wearing one. >> that is the business tree of kanye west. >> how does he know he hates it until he wears it. >> but, but -- >> next thing you know you'll be telling me he's into gold diggers. (laughter)
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i will give you points for that. >> all right next one getting water bottles on flights. water bottles on flights. >> yes seth hertz on. >> can-- nay. >> i hate when i'm a flight and wake up with a water bottle. oh great now i have to be responsible for this water bottle. (laughter) oh [bleep]. >> i'm to the going to hear the end of this water bottle until it turns 18. >> all right you and me water bottle, let's do this so you can shut the [bleep] up. listen there are firefighters, schoolteachers but i believe kanye west is the real hero-of-our culture for having to deal with a water bot nell first class. >> all right, that's the end of that round. and society as we know it. it's time for our first live challenge. harry got her.
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harry got her. this was really big news. this was really big news. harry potter author jk rowling caused a muggle storm on the internet when he essentially friend zoned ron weasley yes, yes jk rowling admitted her minee should have married harry and not ron weasley. >> i know, right. kind of-- hermione should have ended up with him. >> did you make a pretty in pink reference. >> yes where's pie goddamn points. >> you don't get any points for that. >> comedians, please, give me the title of the harry potter book about his affair with hermione and her subsequent ugly divorce and custody battle from ron. we'll get your answers after the break. we'll be back with more ight.dnight.
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>> welcome back to @midnight. i told you about an interview where jk rowling admitted she thought hermione should have ended up with harry potter not
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ron. the poor son of a bitch. that is like your mom saying yeah she shouldn't marry you she should marry your friend. i asked you guys to give me the title of the future harry potter book about harry and hermione's affair. >> harry potter and the goblet of the fire pot, weasley's veng. >> doug benson. >> harry potter and the secret of hermione's chamber. >> you know what is in the secret chamber, right. it's a big mother [bleep] snake. (laughter) >> is it that big? >> i don't want to know mother [bleep] snakes in her mother [bleep] chamber. (laughter) all right megan neuringer. >> everyone who cares about harry potter is a virgin without can't drive based on the novel push by sapphire.
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>> that one is absolutely do not support that one at all megance-- megan. i love harry potter and i've been in at least two ladies. (laughter) >> no i've never red ra a single one of the books or seen a movie. >> get to it. >> i was raised in a cave. >> you have never seen a movie, any movie ever? >> no-- really weird. >> i will give a thousand points to benson 500 to doug herzog and 250 to megan neuringer for a harry potter virgin joke. i am going to have to cast totalis on my wean tore ever get it up again after after-- depressing blow that i was just dealt at the hands of megan neuringer. all right guys, it's time for please don't invite me. please.
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>> you cannot go on facebook without getting 15 invites to events that you don't know what they are or who the person is inviting you. so no i do not want to see your smash mouth cover band or go to your chili fartheroff guys i assume those are both the same thing. comedians-- (laughter) some guy, did you just go whoa! like too far man. come on, we're having a good time here until you had to drag smashmouth not cross hairs. comedians for 250 points i would like to name as many terrible facebook events as possible. i will put 60 secretaries on the clock. begin. >> let's watch a sport in a bar. within yeah, i'm giving you points for that. >> my points. >> get your own show if you want to give your own points. doug. >> party in farrell's hat.
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>> there is plenty of room points. >> i would go to that. >> smoke-free weed rally. >> points. >> herzog. >> my late life rift. fun party. >> seth is actually going to invite you to that. points. >> yes doug. >> dislech particulars against mud ruchers. oh my god s so many points. >> help me pick out a head shot. >> oh god god points yeah that's horrifying. doug. >> rejected by christian mingle mixer. (laughter) rejected by christian mingle hello satan orgy. yes points, well done. that is the end of that round and we see that seth herzog has just pulled a ahead to catch second place that means megan i'm so
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sorry, we have to eliminate you. it has nothing to do with the fact that you called one of my favorite books make me a virgin. it has nothing to do with that a swear, i swear i swear. do you have any last words before we shoot knew space. >> i deserve seth's spot. >> i am so sorry megan we must bathe you in red light now. just just bathe in the red shade within does this have like radiation. >> yes there's radiation there. you lose the show today but you get superpowers afterwards. >> is that wah call cancer now? >> megan neuringer everyone. >> it is now that special magic time again. it's for the win. (cheers and applause) we found a craigslist posting of a filled with so many layers of emotion that we needed a master thespian to read it and record it
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returning to hbo april 6th it's tony hail. >> i'm a family of taxidermied hamp sters for sale. they are perfect for the kid who wants a hamster but you know damn well they won't take care of them. if the kids ask why they aren't moving just explain that happy hamsters sit still. these hamsters were originally bought with love and taken care of very well. then as is usually the case with my little bastard kid he lost interest and kept forgetting to feed him. one by one they dropped off. i couldn't bear to flush these cute things down the toilet. so i bought a taxidermy kit and stuffed them. the best part about these guys is that they won't soil the cage or cost anything in food. they'll just give hours of pleasure. like live hamsters. thanks. joe quotations buzzy.
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>> a heartwarming ento several collective lives so during the break please respond to joe buzzy as an interested hamster buyer, we will have our comedians answer when we come back on @midnight.
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>> well company back to @midnight. this is the moment you have been waiting for it is time for for the win.
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i'm going wipe your scores clean. because it all comes down to this head-to-head challenge. i will read your answer as loud. not going to reveal who wrote one wa so you the audience can decide who should emerge the funniest comedian for the next 24 and a half hours before the break. tony hail read a cration book ad for a man selling stuffed hamsters as a live pedal attorney difficult. let's see what you wrote. the first one was i'm going to keep them in a tight place, can i just have two or dow not want to break up the set. >> that's a good one. >> all right next one dear joe buzzy i'm not interested in your hamsters but your tacki dermy kit also what is an average size of an animal to taxi e are my.
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-- all right. a lot of work. >> very close. >> i think one has it, who was number one. doug benson. you have emerged the victor. doug benson cleaning up @midnight with his weed rag. he's passed out. i'm sure he's fine. i've seen him like that before. we'll see you guys tomorrow night. until then join us on twitter @midnight with your hashtag come tomorrow tweet of the day. i'll see you tomo ♪ ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park gonna see if i can't unwind ♪
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