tv At Midnight Comedy Central February 20, 2014 2:02am-2:31am PST
>> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on youtube today. the internet went nuts over this photo shoot of kate upton on a parabolic flight experiencing 0 gravity while men's pants across america pushed at least. 2 gs. >> apollo ono. >> matt walsh the right must have. ian roberts. >> the challenger, because i just exploded in my pants. >> oh, wow. i'll accept it. it's time to start captioning sponsored by comedy central >> i'm chris hardwick. welcome to "@midnight," where we stick our hand down an internet wormhole until we find jokes. tonight's comedians are the founders of the famed upright citizens brigade.
the book "ucb comedy improvisation manual" is available at ucbstore.com. let's begin with the guy from from the "improv4humans" pot cast, matt besser. >> thank you. >> the word "neutral "with the word "it. >> my peen sis so big it has its own vagina. i'm a merspositive upon. >> from hbo's "veep," it's matt walsh. matt walsh is here. you're a big fan of case meat. what is your favorite? >> straight up, hot dog brautwurst. >> that's german meat. >> that's where most of the case
meats come from, germany. one of the head writers of comedy central's "key & peele," a show you may have seen, it's ian roberts. you may notice, not only put twitter handles on people's lecterns. you do not have a twitter account? >> i do not. >> using 140 characters or less please explain why. >> lazy. scared. obsolete. >> nice, well done. we'll accept that. >> i thought you were saying twister is obsolete. you're past it. >> no, i wish i was that cool. i am obsolete. >> ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." they're very excited.
>> we noticed a weird and vagary disturbing image of a nintendo character. was it mario creeping in a teenaged girl's bedroom? yoshi appearing to dry hump a mushroom. or donkey kong stuffing a child into a barrel? ian? >> i'm going to say it's mario a, creeping into a teenage window. >> let's find out. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> i feel like the read on that would be "it's-a-me mario. for bonus points, what you would give is this pervy new game. >> to catch a mario. >> mario likes to watch cart 64.
>> points. >> super mario, back of the milk carton edition. >> yes! points. sad olympic news: the russian hockey team lost to finland and was eliminated. please continue sadness! apparently, putin couldn't get his helmet on in time to play. oh, there it is. almost. oh, he's almost. he almost has it! it's on? >> it's on! there it goes again! i'd say he's very pat at putin on hat. no, don't, shut up. i hate myself. ♪ putin on the hat ♪ ♪ ( laughter ). >> you don't know where to go to. do not come here if you're gay. ( laughter ) putin on my hat.
this picture from sunday's hockey game became an instant meme the moment russia was eliminated. it's putin and the russian prime minister about to fill their skybox with vodka puke and farts before-- there it is? meme form. i can't believe we lost. comedians, please come up with your own meme for this picture. matt besser. >> next time we start a pussy riot. >> points! matt walsh. >> prime minister, to suppress these feminine feel, you must give me retry now. >> points. ian. >> if only we could execute our power play the way we execute our journalists. >> points! funny and political. i'm on board!
that is the end of rapid refresh. it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. there's less than a week left of the olympics, so before we return sochi back over to the russian mafia, tonight's hashtag is #badolympicevents. dpsms might be: rhythm method gymnastics. or speed freak skating. bi-curious-athalon.. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now. matt besser. >> lugey or ice hockers. >> i'll give you that. matt walsh. >> long jump-- you jump over actor b.d. wong. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> i had forgotten about b.d. wong. points! matt besser. >> dirty ju-dough. >> i give you point. >> i can say that.
>> matt walsh. >> men's crack pipe. >> points! >> besser. >> half pipe full bong. roberts. >> jerking queen. >> yes, points. besser. >> robert sled. bobsled robert sled... >> points. walsh. >> water polio. >> yes! points! points! bessir. >> must have muff diving. >> that is not a bad olympic event at all. >> boob sled. >> no points, sorry. matt besser. >> woman's basketball. >> oooh. booo! >> boo me! boo me! terrible! boo me! >> i'll give ian roberts 100 points for punching you. ian roberts?
>> it's time to play sweet emoji. >> emoji are used to send pictures instead of words. i'm going to show you guys a series of three emojis and for 250 points i want you to translate them into a sentence. this one starts with a camcorder. translate that into a sentence. walsh. >> i filmed you giving a shocker to my cat. ( cheers and applause ) >> that's actually true. >> i don't see how it could be exg else. >> it's true. >> i don't see how it could be anything else. >> unfortunately, i read that as a electrocuted my wife's ( bleep ). making a sex tape. that's good, too, but that's not what i meant. >> they told us not to bring up
real stuff though. ( laughter ) >> chaim sure we can take that right out. >> hi, katy. >> if we're going to edit that out, i shouldn't give any point. >> this has a rainy umbrella in it. >> i got some wet pussy action. >> oh my god! yes! of course! >> casting angry wet pussy for independent film. >> because a real filmmaker would have had stuff written on the thing. >> and that was called buffalo 66. >> this one has a fire and a telescope in it. this has got-- matt walsh. >> upon closer inspection
lesbians started the fire. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> point for sure! points! >> want to see me set my twins on fire? >> points! points. next one. this one has got some delicious fried clism in it. besser. >> i bombed doing comedy for a midget. ( laughter ) >> i need that explained. >> it's shrimp! >> oh shrimp. >> yes we all got the derogatory slur. >> no besser, please! >> sorry, sometimes my jokes make me fall down. >> i fell in love with a terrorist at swizzer. >> i'll give points. >> and terrorists love shrimp. >> if they don't we win. >> this one ends with lipstick.
ian. >> i'm really a dude. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> points, ian. points! and that is the end of sweet emoji. now it's time for our first live challenge smart asses smart asses. well, i am sorry to report as a social scientist that the kardashian virus has mutated once again. kendall and kyley jenner have written a book, proving if you are a frustrated writer you have no ( bleep ) excuse. these girls wrote a book. what are you waiting for. what's happening there. >> oh, my god super mario is in the way back. >> oh, god! >> these are the twins we can set on fire. >> i'll give you points for
that. let's go back to the book. according to amazon.com "rebels: city of indra: the story of lex and livia" is a thrilling story about two about to embark on a journey together not knowing that they are twins. comedians, what i want you to do is write a blurb for the inside jacket of this book, all right write a blurb for the inside jacket of this book. we'll get your answers after the break. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." check out the "@midnight" page
( cheers and applause ) >> welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i gave you the devastating news that the two youngest kardashian sisters are now authors, and i asked you to write a blurb for the back of the book. what did you write? ian roberts. >> i wrote "kim's sex tape had a better plot and a more powerful climax. bruce jeoper. ( laughter )
( applause ) >> matt besser. >> i'm happy for you. i'll let you finish the book, but beyonce had one of the best dystopian phenoms of all time. kanye. >> well done. matt walsh. >> ain't much of a reader. more of a movie guy. ray-jay. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) all right. for 1,000 points to matt besser 500 each to matt walsh and ian roberts as we jump to our next game, cringe worthy. >> crowd favorite. feels like this is a good game for this group. comedians, you have three words to make me cringe. ever time i cringe, you get 250 points. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now. bess besser. >> "talking dead "canceled. >> points!
( laughter ) besser again. >> jay leno returns. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> hosting "talking dead." no. >> stallones unshaven face. >> kirstie alley scrapings. points! >> spencer! >> robocop remake, remake. >> yes, points, i'll give that to you, sure. matt again. >> juan pablo marries hardwick. >> that's technically forward. >> hyphenate, hyphenate. >> i'll give you eye don't know where you're putting the hyphen but i'll give it to you. >> nadia solomon ovulating. >> points. >> i think so matt walsh again. >> porn-fed beef. >> it makes the meat naturally greasy yeah. i'll give you point for that.
ian roberts. >> thereseo-fart breath. >> can you explain the mechanicictions of that. but do you fart in the mouth? >> yes. >> paper cuts tina's. >> matt walsh. >> infused fecal flurry. >> points! >> a kirstie alley scraping! >> ian roberts. >> alligator-clipped foreskin. >> yes, points, points! that is the end. ( cheers and applause ) >> i have to say one more. >> okay, what? >> pubic hair podium. >> yes. >> it's right there. >> you know what? sometimes-- >> there it is. >> i don't know what the crew does when i'm not at the podium. that is the end of crimpleg
worthy, and i see, ian roberts are you in third place. that means we must eliminate you. i apologize. do you have any last words? you seem upset. ( laughter ). >> i quit the upright citizens brigade. >> no! quilt the show. >> we don't win anything. we don't win anything. good-bye forever. >> well the red light has spoken. i guess we managed to break you want u.c.b. that means it's time to separate the men from the other man. it's time for "for the win." ( cheers and applause ) on youtube, we discovered-- >> the red light hurts! the red light hurts. >> no no, it's mine. >> they told me not to speak of it, but the red light hurts! >> on youtube, we discovered painter millibrown who creates
jackson pollard-inspired paintings by drinking colored milk and vomiting on to a campus. let's look at that happen. ♪ ♪ ♪ her other projects are sculptures made from kirstie alley scrapings. points. >> that's what the critics are doing, too. >> i feel like this is the soul of what the kardashians are. just throwing up bright colors on to the ground. ( laughter ) comedians, please write a sales pitch for one of her work of art on etsy. please write her etsy sales pitch. we will have our expheedians' answers and name our winner when we come back to "@midnight." ( cheers and applause )
( cheers and applause ) >> welcome back to "@midnight." it's the moment you've been waiting for. it's for the win! i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe-- because it all comes down to this head-to-head challenge. i will read your answers out loud without revealing who wrote what. so the winner will be decided by you guys the audience in this room. before the brack, i showed you a video of painter millibrown creating one of her jackson pollock inspired paintings created by ingesting and then puking is it up on a canvas and people buy it. my girlfriend will not be able to watch the show. it would send her into a rage. i you guys to write a sales pitch for one of this lady's ety paintings. the first answer was-- "preez don't forget to contribute to my puke starter."
( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm surprised that's not a thing. or or "as the ayerst who brought you ( bleep ), i notice present my latest masterpiece." definitely number two. who was number two? who was that? matt walsh! you have won the internet! you are the funniest person for the next 23 and a half hours. he has also just left the upright citizens brigade. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #badolympicevents and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. good night.
captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org hi, galina, hey tatiana. hey, yevgenya. hey. i love your braids. thank you. here to wax the usual spots? yep, you know it. okay, follow me. been a long time. like a week. no, it's been, like, three weeks. i'm sorry. okay, this may hurt. my body's learned. oh... kay. whoa. oh, my god. (woman) first voice message. (woman) abbi, this one is a gr