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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  October 1, 2014 2:02am-2:33am PDT

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good night! (cheers captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on vine today. the tomorroworld music festival in atlanta was four days of nonstop e.d.m., and i'm guessing an even nonstoppier usage of molly, which led to quality vines like this one, self-shot by this aspiring belushi.
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okay so if we-- ( laughter ) if we look-- it's like a fish they just caught. if we can look past the fact this girl is probably twerking in raw sewage this is really a masterwork in cinematography. anaconda out-take happening in the foreground, a quick cameo from the mysterious man in blue taking us from oh, to oh, yeah. i know it's early but i'm predicting oscar. please name the award-worthy film this sween comes from. >> black swan-- that's not a swan. >> chris: perfect. adam. >> hepatitis c-biscuit.
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>> chris: and finally mike lawrence. >> 12 years a rave. >> chris: well done, mike lawrence. it's time to start "@midnight." captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: by the way we need a twerk pond right here, i think right in the front. from "whose line is it anyway?" on the cw and "animation domination high-def" on fox, it's heather anne campbell. ( cheers and applause ) performing at comedy works in denver october 30 through november 1 it's adam underscore newman. ( applause ) that is an amazing t-shirt. >> i thank you. they wouldn't let me wear it in
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canada. >> chris: what! >> i tried wearing it on canadian tv, and they were like, we think it's funny but it's too powerful. >> this is actually her husband rene. ( laughter ) wow. even america. people are sensitive. >> if this was canadian tv, a sniper would have already taken you out. >> we're sorry about that. back to the wood you go, sass scwach. performing at laughing skull lounge in atlanta october 23 through 26, it's mike lawrence. ( cheers and applause ) let's begin. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." ( cheers and applause ) big news from microsoft today. they're announcing their newest operating system sexily titled windows 10!
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you're right. it promises to revolutionize the way you play mindsweeper or help your mom check hot mail and erase the penis enlargement attacks of ads, after her e-mail is attacked. we tried to get some apple representatives to comment, but their phones kept dropping the calls. no, that's right, guys, i'm an equal opportunity offender. >> you're making an apple joke while dressed as bono from u2. >> chris: hey man, wait a minute! wait a minute. no, no ( bleep ) point. this is not my bono. my bon's wears a vest, no shirt, and has a ponytail. i don't know who this guy is now. >> he's going to send me where the tweets have no name. >> chris: 100 point for mike lawrence.
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mike radio soft went from windows 8 to windows 10 skipping 9 entirely. their reasoning basically 10 just sounds cooler. i think if you're going to give something an arbitrary name, go big. i mean, even apple went through every goddamn jungle cat. i would like a rader name heather campbell. >> windows-- you know what ( bleep ). doors. >> chris: mike lawrence. >> windows x versus sever. >> chris: wait a minute! did you-- did you just reference the lucy lui moffer, x versus sever? >> a movie thatm was as popular as windows was in the same year. >> chris: you gave it the appropriate name. well done points. the number one us trend on twitter today was #duraghistoryweek. >> you picked the wrong three contestants for this.
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>> chris: oh, did i? that's not the week when hulk hogan comes to your school to teach you about the horrors of male pattern baldness. it's actually did you rag history has been trending because during new york fashion week, the chanel models wore durags backstage and "livid" magazine called them "urban tie caps." oh ( bleep ) white people! this inspired twitter to mock the fashion world for misappropriating traditionally black hair fashion and find the best durag moments throughout history. which of the following durag pics got the most retweets. a) it made justin timberlake's transition from pop to r&b a smooth one #duraghistoryweek. he looks like a full condom. ( laughter ) ( applause ) b) after 40-plus years, this gentleman finally took his durag off. >> oh!
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he has the same hair as the green gob plin. >> chris: it's c) it's #duraghistoryweek. relive the time vince mcmahon revolutionized the billion- dollar durag. ( applause ) which one of those-- mike lawrence? >> i'm going to say it's c, and i also know that picture is from wwwe2006. >> chris: i am so proud of you for finding a mate. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the correct answer is-- b! comedians, what is an activity you do to celebrate durag history week? r/. >> we all sit around and read the classic children's book "one pok 2 pok, red poconclude, blue poconclude.
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>> chris: it's time for tonight's tash. the new sitcom "selfie" prae meres tonight. tonight's hashtag is millennial tv shows. i'm going to put 60 soctdz clock. >> gi trader joes. heather. >> jeoper dcs. >> i can have bob's burgers. >> chris: mike? >> ikea and peel. >> chris: heather. >> to catch a tumbler. >> chris: adam. >> lena dunham warrior princess. >> chris: points. >> how i sexed your mother. ( applause ) >> chris: adam? >> the swipe is right.
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>> chris: yes, points. mike. >> saved by the >> point. >> teenaged mutant linkedin turtles. >> game of student loans. >> okay, yeah, good, point. heather. >> mad meh. >> points. perfect. mike lawrence. >> n.y.p.d. blu-tooth. >> points. adam. >> double dare you to send me a dick pic. >> chris: yeah, points. is that the game or are you talking to me right now? that bring us to the end of the #hashtagwars. >> chris: send us your #millennialtvshows and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." last night i mentioned my mission to get the@notice hand to hello. by mention diwhat every american does-- i complained about it until someone contacted me. thankfully one young man heard my plea and he happened to be the man that got it. this man, rob wis man. thanks for getting me. one more social media to platform my narcissism and carve up my at a looking up what people say about me for some reason. now it's time to play "i'm really good at." okcupid is a place for people looking to make a deep and meaningful connection by making snap judgments about each other based on looks and answers to a few random questions. one of the questions that users answer is to fill in a blank that reads, "i'm really good at.ù" so comedians, based on the okcupid profile i'm going to
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show you, i want you to tell me what you think they might be really good at. first one, how about nude guy? well, nude except for the headset. heather. >> smashing my hard drive when i hear them knock? >> chris: yes. ( cheers and applause ). points. >> bam! >> chris: next one-- how about i am jamaican b.b.y.y? ( laughter ) adam. >> jerk-off your chicken. >> chris: yes. >> it's jamaican. jamaican. >> really good at making the same expression with my mouth and bellybutton. ( applause ) ( cheers )
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>> chris: points heather anne cambpell. next one. fire starter 83? fire starter! oh! what is-- adam? >> karaoke? >> chris: you know it. what do you think his song is? >> anything by earth, wind, and fire. ( laughter ) next one. ninja smurfet @94? mike? >> whipping out my vagina and screaming, "this is where the wild things are." >> chris: points. last one. fuzzy jesus. fuzzy jesus. >> oh! >> chris: there's a lot of good things happening in both of those pictures. adam. >> butng mostly it's good at going through my trust fund. >> real good at snuff slurping.
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>> chris: points. what a genius concept. that's the end of "i'm really good at..." it's time for our next game "photobombs: creepy or cute?" it's time for another round of our classic game where we show you a piece of a photobomb that's gone viral and you have to tell us if it's an accidental nugget of adorable joy or something that looks like the terrifying last moments before a grisly murder. 250 points if you guess correctly. first one: tiger woods setting up a shot. creepy or cute? there he is aiming the putt in heather. >> cute? >> chris: let's find out. oh no. oh, no. >> you can see his peenis and pubes in that. >> guess where the 18th hole
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is? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: all right, none. these beach babes, creepy or cute? yeah mike. >> creepy because i'm standing behind them. >> chris: well, lease find out. yes. ( applause ) >> his bellybutton also matches his face. >> chris: that guy's dick is like atlas. >> and he just shrugged. >> chris: he just shrugged. ( laughter ) next one, these adorable cats. these adorable cats. creepy or cute? heather. >> creepy. >> chris: yeah it's got to be
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creepy. oh! who's taking the picture? >> they're running away towards the camera, they're running away. >> chris: or he's ( bleep ) kittens. >> i believe they call those ( bleep ), ( bleep ). >> chris: points, 100 point. that brings us to the end of "photobombs: creepy or cute?" it's time for our live challenge, let he among you who is without sin chug the first brew. yeah, jesus was a cool guy, but you have to admit he was kind of a snooze with his message of peace and charity and all that "meek shall inherit the earth" hippie crap. luckily, we found the facebook page of ignite, a church in missouri that's all about beer metal and guns. ( cheers and applause ) like if god created man in his image, and that image was guy fieri hanging in a gun rack in
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the back of a truck. here's two of the lucky dads that won their father's day automatic weapon giveaway. that's a real thing. we didn't make that up. and here's their pastor who was recently arrested for drunk driving-- also true. but i feel like the church needs a new preacher. so, comedians, i want you to write a sermon for this church that loves guns, booze, and 'merica. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight." ( cheers and applause )
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just tell us your budget and the "name your price" tool helps you find a whole range of coverages. no one else gives you options like that. [voice echoing] no one at all! no one at all! no one. wake up! [gasp] oh! you okay, buddy? i just had a dream that progressive had this thing called... the "name your price" tool... it isn't a dream is it? nope. sorry! you know that thing freaks me out. he can hear you. he didn't mean that, kevin. kevin: yes, he did! keeping our competitors up at night. now, that's progressive.
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♪ surrender to the power of accomodation grooveland ♪ booking.yeah! ( cheers and applause ) to "@midnight." before the break, i showed you the facebook page of a missouri church that's into beer and guns and asked you to write a sermon as their new pastor. let's see what you wrote. mike lawrence. >> as i walk through the valley of the shadow of mess, i take a look at my life and my ex-wife,
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bess. #austinthree 16. ( cheers and applause ) >> and the lord turned to his armed disciple and speak, he who smelt it, dealt it. >> jesus preached a message of love and equality for all. so today's sermon begins with a reading from it "mein kempf." >> it's time for "bad college facebook groups." we're one month into the fall semester, and if you're a college freshman who hasn't got laid yet, you probably want to join a facebook group to help you meet like-minded virgins. but choose wisely, because there are a lot of questionable groups out there, like: pagan penguins of clark college and stitch 'n' bitch.
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( laughter ) i want you to come up with even more ridiculous college facebook groups. >> bake back the night, a cup cake support group. >> weird sex during sophomore year club. >> the hunch backs at notre dame. >> chris: heather. >> the timmy johnson, that will show 'em club. >> straight guys who watch "scandal." ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: nice. mike lawrence. mike. >> the juggleets of jacksonville. >> chris: points. heather. >> the bald guys with goatees future realtor's club. >> dudes who wear bathing suits in the dorm showers. >> chris: mike. >> the b.y.o.b.b.b.b.w.b.b.q. at n.y.u.. >> facial dick artist
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( buzzer ). >> chris: you are currently at a tie. whoever gets the bigger response is going to the final ground. >> we'll ( bleep ) for grade boys and girls club. >> oral roberts university students who like oral. >> chris: heather anne cambpell gets the points! you're going to the final round. adam newman, a wonderfully fought battle. you were a phenomenal contestant today adam. you definitely will come back on the show. for now we have to cut you loose. do you have anything to say before we bathe you in red light. >> i would said hey jiewdz but he's sticking around but she edged me out with the hitler joke. so i don't know, all right. >> chris: red light! ( applause ) that means it's time to preheat and add some yeast. it's for the win!
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an amazing story has been climbing up the dear reddit subreddit over the past few days. a mother brought vagina-shaped cookies as a special treat for her daughter's second grade class. here's what that looks like. the teacher removed the cookies as soon as possible, "before my second graders develop vaginal p.t.s.d." ( laughter ) i 43 this might not be the# best teaching tool in the world, but i think there is a market for vagina cookies. give me a tag line for this exciting new snack treat. we'll have your answers and name a winner when we c
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it is for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe. wipe, wipe, wipe. before the break i showed a story trending on redid reddit about a mom who brought vagina-shaped cookies to her daughter's second grade class. this is what i hoped caravel ice cream was talking about when they said cookie pus. i asked you to come up with a tagline for vagina-shaped cookies. let's see what you wrote.
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( cheers and applause ) number two. who was number two? heather anne cambpell! you won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! well done. mike lawrence, nice to see you. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be tom lennon, cameron esposito and daniel sloss. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #millennialtvshows and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. goodnight! - whoo! that was good, baby. i bet you ain't made a face like that since your last stroke. - don't light that. i'm on oxygen--
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