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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 7, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause)
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(audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! well come to "the report"! thank you some for joining us! (cheers and applause) thanks for being here! (cheers and applause) we have a lot of work to do. a lot to get done. for those of you watching this show on a memory cube, thousands of years in the future, i want to ever you a hardy bleep blorp for joining us. (laughter) for those of you sharing the present chronosphere, it's day seven of the global pandemic that some are call "ebolapalooza." (laughter) not many. just me so far. but it's going to catch on. you can smell the fear, thanks to heroes like cnn who asked the
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question, "ebola: the i.s.i.s. of biological agents?" yes, it is. without a doubt. scientists have long compared diseases to murderous madmen. that's why epidemiologists call tuberculosis lung hitler. (laughter) one person who is irresponsibly calm is president barack ebola. just listen to how the administration plans to ward off the rage virus. >> the obama administration is taking new action to prevent the spread of ebola. president obama said monday that airline passengers traveling from the ebola hot zone will soon undergo additional screening at both ends of their journeys. >> stephen: well, i'm glad they're checking at both ends because that's where the ebola squirts out. (laughter) but i'm sorry... (applause)
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big round of applause for bodily fluids tonight! this is a hot crowd. (cheers and applause) they're not taking it seriously enough because you're not taking it seriously enough. the latest polls show only 11% of americans are "very worried" about being infected by ebola. and it's not my fault because i've done my part to make you shart. and i wanna know how i'm doing. go to colbert nation and take my poll: the colbert worried poll -- how worried are you about the unstoppable virus that's just seconds away from infecting everyone you love? somewhat? very? or hazmat bubble prevents me from clicking on answer? (laughter) we'll calculate the results and make them available tomorrow for the gangs of feral bandits searching through charred
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wal-marts for clues as to what ended humanity. (humming) i was just enjoying a big mac hamburger sandwich from america's favorite hamburger sandwich restaurant, mcdonald's. the fast food megachain was founded in 1955 by ray kroc. who became so famous that he had to spend the rest of his life hiding in a purple suit. (laughter) and ray kroc's ray kroc's very "first" mcdonald's was located in des plaines, which is in the subject of the 80th installment of my 434-part series, "better know a district. "tonight, illinois 8th. the fightin' 8th! (cheers and applause) the 8th is home to the world headquarters of motorola. in 1983, they released the world's first consumer cellular phone, the dyna-tac , which quickly became more popular than the phone booth, despite being slightly larger than one.
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(laughter) the 8th is also home to not one by two ikeas. the schaumburg ikea and the bollingbrook ikea. they were only going to build one ikea, but after they finished the first one, they had enough parts left over to build a second. (laughter) (cheers and applause) famous residents of the 8th include harold gray, cartoonist and creator of the comic strip "little orphan annie." the story of a red-headed scamp who was so poor she had to sell her pupils for food. and who has the mcnuggets to represent this district? it's none other than congresswoman tammy duckworth. i sat down with representative duckworth in her washington office. thank you for talking with me today. >> good to be with you, stephen. >> stephen: thank you for wearing your mad max jacket. >> do you like it? >> stephen: i do.
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you were born in bangkok. are you an american congresswoman? >> my father served in vietnam and met and married my mother. >> stephen: the thai people would be proud of you. >> the thai are from taiwan. >> stephen: if we agreed on how to secure the borders, how would you do so? >> i think we're doing a good job. >> stephen: do you believe in a wall? >> if the wall makes somebody happy and it's not -- then fine. but as long as you have comprehensive immigration reform -- >> stephen: do you mean more than a wall by comprehensive? because my plan is more than a wall. i say wall, mote, planes, fireproof alligators. you've read the reports and i'm sure you've seen the reports on television that they're bringing
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ebola into the united states. >> no, they're not. >> stephen: i think i might have caught it already because when i look at these kids on the border i get a very weird clutching feeling in my throat, my heart sinks and my eyes begin to leak. that's got to be ebola, i can't imagine what else. >> i think that's humanity. s that terrible? no. i think it means you actually care gla i did not kno. >> stephen: i did not know that. switching gears. you were a helicopter pilot serving in which theater? >> iraq. >> stephen: okay. and your helicopter was shot down, you lost both your legs and partial use of one of your arms. >> yes. >> stephen: you said when you were recovering in the hospital that your spouse stayed by your side and you want gays and lesbians to have that right and someone being with them. that imply you think it's right
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for gays and lesbians to serve in the military. >> when i was shot down, bleeding to death in my helicopter, an american g.i. came to carry me out. i didn't ask if he was straight or gay. i was just glad he was an american g.i. >> stephen: straight or gay? i know he's happily married. >> stephen: straight? yes. >> stephen: so something you weren't saying before, but i would like to pretend you were, we both think obamacare is a disaster. okay? >> i like my health insurance i get through the affordable care act. >> stephen: you said you flawsal did before the affordable care act took effect. >> stephen: you believe employers should cover their employees' contraception?
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>> i think comploirs should provide health insurance where the employee can access contraception. >> stephen: what's the difference between that and throwing blankets ton conference table and saying go at it in the middle of the meeting? >> the biggest difference is it's none of your business what your employee does in terms of their reproductive choice. >> don't corporations have rights to their religious beliefs? i provide birth control for my employees because i am religiously opposed to maternity leave. >> i don't think you actually provide it. i think the insurance plans do. >> stephen: no, i actually provide it. i grind up the pills and put them in the water bottles. the men are growing breasts, though. kind of nice, actually. (laughter) last question. you support "sensible conversation" on gun control. >> i do. can't you have an even more sensible conversation if you've got guns?
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because people get very quiet then and listen to what i have to say. >> it's not a conversation. a monologue. yeah. so why do you want the take my gun. >> i don't want to take your gun, stephen, but we also guns such as those with mental health issues, felons, should not have easy access. >> regulation equal confiscation. >> i disagree with you there. but it rhymes. i guess. accept your apology. thank you so much for talking to me today. (cheers and applause) let's put illinois up on the big board! wow! so close to filling the whole map before the show ends! i just have to do ten more of these segments every show! we'll be right back!
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hmm. trade in your old iphone and get a new iphone free at verizon. did you say something, paul? huh? no. can i route our trip? i love our trips. oh, me too. but no i'm good i know where i'm headed. how about music? nah i don't really feel like- ♪ just the two of us ♪ we can make it if we-- what a fun drive. we always have so much fun. remember that one time we- okay. sure you loved your old iphone.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, well come, wel, everybody! nation, they say laughter is the best medicine, but i say, if you take the right medicine, everything seems funny. this is cheating death with dr. stephen t. colbert, d.f.a.! (cheers and applause) >> where's the pretty lady?
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oh! first, a disclaimer -- i'm not a medical doctor. i have an honorary doctorate in fine arts. so i can't write prescriptions, but i can interpretively dance them. as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott: kid tested. first up, pandemic health. folks, as i mentioned in the a block, we're in the midst of an ebola outbreak. our only hope is an experimental drug called zmapp, which is our last chance, since we've already tried a through y-mapp. and you will be surprised how zmapp is z-made. >> scientists may be looking to tobacco plants for their cure. a pharmaceutical company used the plants to develop zmapp. >> it uses to back to plants to make three different compounds. put them together and you get zmapp. >> wouldn't it be wonderful if
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tobacco were used for health? >> stephen: yes, wouldn't it be wonderful if tobacco could cure ebola like it once cured uncoolness? (laughter) but folks, this aspiring miracle cure is far from perfect. the plants are chopped up finely, and the proteins are extracted through both physical and chemical filtration, so none of these medicines will give you a nicotine buzz. that is so disappointing to those of us who choose medications mostly for the awesome side effects. i may not suffer from depression, but i take abilify just for the dizziness and excess saliva. (laughter) the real tragedy...
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here is that zmapp was so close to solving the biggest problem with all medicine -- forgetting to take it. that's why prescott pharmaceuticals, in association with r.j. reynolds, is rude to -- is proud to introduce vas cay vasca-ginia slims, the pioneering anti-viral medication we guarantee will become a habit. >> forget grandpa's pill organizer -- after just a couple days, your nervous system will tell you when you need it. you will know it's time for a dose when you snap at your kids for no reason. and sure, vasca-ginia slims are not made with the same antibody-laden tobacco zmapp uses. they go one step farther and give the ebola cancer, because who's got tougher lungs -- you or some virus? side effects of the vasca-ginia slims include elevated heart weight, cancer and probably still ebola. well, that's it for cheating death. brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott: mercury-free since 2015!
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>> stephen: well come back!
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my guest tonight is here to discuss the 100th anniversary of the liberal magazine "the new republic." this month's center fold, f.d.r. again. please well come leon wieseltier! (cheers and applause) thank you so so much for being here. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: for those who may not know, you are a writer, critic, philosopher and long time editor of "the new republic." insurrections of the mind, 100 years of politics and culture in america. what does it mean to be a cultural critic? do you have a critique of our present culture? >> oh, i do, yes. i do. it's a very elaborate one.
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yes. so -- >> stephen: ten words or less. ten words or less -- too much digital, not enough critical thinking, more physical reality. >> stephen: damn! so you're one of them literary types. >> mm-hmm (laughter) >> stephen: the magazine was founded 100 years ago. the beginning to have the progressive era. >> it was. >> stephen: what's the difference between a progressive and what we think of as a liberal today. >> sometimes they get confused and limped together. the progressives are more to the left of us. >> stephen: of you? to the left of your hair?
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>> actually, way to the left. this is centrist hair. (laughter) >> stephen: who are some of the great minds who have insurrections of the mind? >> john cane, orson wells. >> stephen: cane economics -- i pay you to dig a hole, tomorrow i pay you to fill it in. >> approximately. >> stephen: the people of the new republic are folks who believe in thinking, okay. >> pretty outrageous, i know. >> stephen: it is. (laughter) not very popular these days. sell me on thinking. (laughter) because i don't have to think much anymore. i can just feel, and i can also open any eyes and take the digital fire hose from my screen and watch videos and pictures
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of, you know, someone's -- >> and mistake that for thinking. >> stephen: i'm preferring it. i understand. i understand why you would, but here's the reason, a democratic society, an open society places an extraordinary intellectual responsibility on ordinary men and women because we are governed by what we think, we are governed by our opinions, so the content and the quality of our opinions and the quality of the formation of our opinions is what basically determines the character of our society and that means in a democracy in an open society, a thoughtless citizen of a democracy is a delivering went citizen of a democracy. (applause) >> stephen: i thought you were still filibustering. i'm sorry. >> no. >> stephen: what about
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feeling? >> human life will never suffer from too little feeling. we all feel all the time. we're mortal creatures. we have hearts. >> stephen: yes. the important thing is not to mistake our hearts for our minds. they do two different things. if we were only hearts or minds we would be monsters, but we're both. so the role of the mind is to actually question some of the assumptions and dogmas and prejudices of the heart. >> stephen: and there's a third organ. >> i bet there is. thank yo thank you for raising the level of the conversation. >> stephen: there's the mind, we should do something different! then your heart, oh, how i feel about the things you're doing. and then there's my gut that tells me this is right. >> right. >> stephen: i go with my gut because my gut is responsible for, you know, the actions that require courage, or my balls. >> right. i see. all right.
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i see. >> stephen: my gut and my balls -- (laughter) my dput an gut and my balls areg my brain and my heart. >> it's very beautiful. we've just met so i'm not going to discuss some of. this i agree with you about the gut but a gut requires education. i believe in educated guts. the important thing is we have reason force the beliefs and then we articulate and then defend the reasons. >> stephen: here's a reason for my beliefs. >> all right. >> stephen: they feel good. (laughter) it feels good to think that when i die i will go to heaven. that feels good. it feels good to think that i am right. that feels good. >> well, you know that it's preposterous to think that because one feels something that it's the truth. >> stephen: no, it's not true. it's truthy. greater than truth. it is inasalable because my
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truth is based upon what i want to be true -- >> right. >> stephen: -- rather than anything the facts could possibly support. your truth requires work, mine requires merely feelings. i'll beat you to the truth punch all the time. >> i congratulate you for living in a world entirely your own. >> stephen: thank you. it's called the colbert nation! thank you so much! (laughter) (cheers and applause) the new republic insurrections of the mind! thank you so much!
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the report"! good night! (cheers and applause) comedy cel captioned by media access group at wgbh >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on today. >> every once in a while a video gets uploaded to youtube with the most perfect title imaginable. and i am proud to say that today we bring you that video. ladies and gentlemen, distinguished members of the press, from the country that yesterday brought us rugby fan whips out his


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