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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 9, 2014 9:52am-10:23am PDT

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comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's the show. by the way, before we go, i want to give it up for jason jones and samantha, apparently they called and those two stepped up, and knocked it out of the park. i really appreciate it. anyway, here it is, the moment of zen. >> tom corbett is perfect. and just praise. the rich guys. it's perfect. tonight, the move by the supreme court, you'll never guess what clarence thomas didn't say this time. plus the latest in the war against isis. then to cheer you up, the latest on ebola. ( cheers and applause ) and my guest is comedy legend carol burnett who is now
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starring on broadway. oooh! i bet she makes a great mustapha. the neiman marcus cag lot is selling a custom purpeople for $475,000. it's the perfect gift for anyone who wants to smell like an idiot. it's the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. it's good to have you with us,
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nation. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, folks. thank you so much. i need-- i need-- i need the strength you give me, because, folks, this is a dark day. a dark, day, day for cultural conservatives like myself. that day-- hump day. because god decreed in the bible hump day is between one man and one woman. now it's anything goes. on monday the supreme court refused to hear five gay marriage cases and as a result, more than half of all americans now live in a state where gay marriage is legal. ( cheers and applause ). well, i say, i say, bravo. is now america's number one network. ( cheers and applause ) and while our nation is going to hell in a handbasket, the
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republican leadership is going someplace even worse-- california. >> house speaker john boehner will visit california this week to raise money for an openly gay republican candidate. >> speaker boehner is trying to broaden the tent. >> here you have the top-ranked republican in the house, the speaker of the house, who says, "i'm going to go out there for a gay republican. this is what our party stands for." i think that actually is a powerful message. >> stephen: that powerful message, please forget all of our previous messages. ( laughter ) and, folks, that is wrong. that is just wrong! ( cheers and applause ) and i am stunned. i can't be alone with this feeling. i am absolute stunned that john boehner is raising money for a homosexual candidate and confessed gay person, carl demaio. because, folks, this is just a slippery folks. today boehner is fund-raising for gays. tomorrow he's doing robocalls for box turtles. and just last year boehner said this-- >> i believe that marriage is the union of one man and one
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woman. it's what my church teaches me, and i can't imagine that position would ever change. >> stephen: no, no, it won't change, won't change at all. that's what being straight is all about. you pick one position and you stick with it for the rest of your life. okay. face to face, lights on, no eye contact. ( cheers and applause ) luckily, folks, the family research council and the national organization for marriage have stood up with an openly antigay letter saying we cannot in good congress urge our members and fellow citizens to support candidates like demaio. they will secure a platform in the media to advance their flawed idol and serve as terrible role models for young people who will inevitably be encouraged to emulate them. ( laughter ) oh, yes, it's inevitable. teenagers definitely copy whatever congress does. ( cheers and applause ) that's why-- ( applause ) you know-- that's why all--
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that's why the cool kids are always hanging out at the mall refusing to pass an agriculture bill. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and boehner here is betraying core conservative beliefs for the worst possible reason-- it's what the majority of voters want. >> republicans are grappling with the political reality that the country, especially young people, are moving toward gay marriage acceptance, even support. 61%-- that's more than three in five-- of republicans aged 18-29 favor allowing gays and lesbians to marry legally. >> stephen: really! three in five? that is shocking. that there are still five republicans between the ages of 18 and 29. ( laughter ) i just-- where are they? i don't-- ( applause ) i gotta go to different clubs. i feel like the last man on earth who opposes man-man marge. and according to george will, pretty soon i might be. >> quite literally, the opposition to gay marriage is dying. it's old people. >> stephen: i'm not old, george! ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm not old! i'm just-- i'm just tired, okay.
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i'm just-- i've been doing the show for nine years, for pete's sake. ( cheers and applause ). these right here, these-- these right here, these are just-- these are just fighting gay marriage lines. i'm just as young and as new as my ideas. ( laughter ) besides,ed abouts, the sanctity of traditional marriage is not some badge, george. you can't pray away your gay. well, you can't gay away my pray. for christians like me this is a civil rights issue in i don't like gay people getting civil rights. and i'm not the only one who feels that way, national review writer and skinny george lucas matthew j. franck, recently
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write ago he wrote that the court's nondecision is a slow-motion dred scott for the 21st century. which is eerily similar to my science fiction series "slow magazine dred scott in the tirs 21st century." ( applause ) dred scott, of course, was the enslaved plaintiff in the supreme court case that found african americanafrican america, which the white man was bound to respect, which, coincidentally, is also the city motto of ferguson, missouri. just like the dred scott decision, these gay marriage cases will inevitably lead to a civil war. and i've taken the liberty to predict what it will be like to remember that war in my new landmark documentary, "the gay civil war." jimmy. ( applause ) jimmy, let's--
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( cheers ) jimmy, let's break hearts. my dearest sara, indications are that we will soon move out against our vast and fabulous enemy. i do believe in our cause. as jefferson himself said, "it's adam and eve, not adam and steve. and i loves me the brown sugar. though death may come, i'm willing to lay down my life to make sure lesbians can't register at bed, bath, & beyond." sarah, my love for you is depthless. it binds me with mighty cables that nothing but omnipotence could break-- or if two dudes get married. in that case, i am out of here, because ick. and yes, and yes-- ( cheers and applause )
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and, yes, we antigay marriage crusaders may be fighting a lost cause but we still have our honor. and 20 years from now, we'll swear we fought on the other side. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) go ahead and put your bag right here. have a nice flight! traveling can feel like one big mystery. you're never quite sure what is coming your way. but when you've got an entire company who knows that the most on-time flights are nothing if we can't get your things there too. it's no wonder more people choose delta than any other airline. with new jolly rancher filled gummy bites?
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in all its naked glory; that's too hot for tv, stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. a payday bar will get you through your day. expose yourself to payday. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much.
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folks, i gotta get on my desk here and i hope this doesn't come as a surprise to any of you people. barack obama is a complete failure. if he is so committed to fighting terror why am i seeing pop-up stores filled with things that scare me. when it comes to national security, when it comes to national security, this guy's worse than jimmy carter. don't believe me? just ask jimmy carter. >> even jimmy cart ser on the attack telling a texas newspaper the president waited too long to deal with isis. >> he says you have to have somebody on the ground to direct our missiles, and to be sure you have the right targets. then you have to have somebody to move in and be willing to fight isis after the strike. >> that's president carter. holy smokes. >> it is jaw-dropping. there is simply no other way to put it. >> stephen: i have another way to put it-- jimmy carter just kicked obama from the peanut pouch. oh, nap! oh, snap, obama. being called a wuss by jimmy
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carter? that's like f.d.r. beating you at kick ball. and nowhere, nowhere, ladies and gentlemen, nowhere has obama been weaker than in the realm of strategic nomenclature. >> past presidents when they're at war give the war a name. they call is operation desert shield, operation desert storm. >> he hasn't named the war yet. to me that's astounding. >> we haven't named the war yet, the non-war war. >> stephen: that's right, obama has refused to name this operation even though we have been launching airstrikes in two months. in his h.d. day, p. diddy could come up with-- everybody knows why obama refuses to pick a nom-de-boom. >> their mission remains nameless. is it because the white house doesn't want to admit america
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is, indeed, at war. >> president has not given names to the syria or iraq operations and that's unusual and may reflect the president's own ambivalence over a war he does not want fight. >> according to a source, "if you name tyou own it." and they don't want to own it. >> who is the they who won't own the what according to whoever at the "wall street journal" won't name. for god's sake, answer me, obama. because bill hemmer is not conveying information of any kind. and a real leader-- a real leader would step up and give this mission a title that would rally the public, like when colin powell named the 1989 invasion of panama, operation just cause. not-- not to be confused with his title for the 2003 invasion of iraq, operation just cuz. ( cheers and applause )
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then the first military intervention in 25 years without a code name. now, it might be because our "chin-stroker-in-chief" wants to avoid an embarrassing acronym here, like past rejected code names, operation afghanistan freedom, which spelled oaf, by accident. or operation iraq liberation, which spelled oil. ( applause ) but so far, the only actual name military planners have suggested to the pentagon was operation inherent resolve. which was rejected because, as one military officer put it, it was just kind of bleh. ( applause ) i agree. i agree. although, given the mood of the country right now, i might go with operation kind of bleh. i mean, how hard can this be? just look at the great names we've come up with in the past. operation sharp edge, or operation vigilant resolve.
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either one of which could be a great slogan for viagra. so if barack obama won't step up and name this mission, i will. i hope that history will remember stephen colbert as the man who had the courage to name the war he was not willing to fight in. so let's head over to the name chamber 5,000. ( cheers and applause ) welcome. welcome to the name chamber. welcome to the name chamber 5,000, a name we got out of the name chamber 4,000. here's how it works. okay i have two types of slips of paper in there. the red slips have descriptive words like "just," "swift" or "paisley." the blue slips have powerful nouns like "eagle," or "liberty" or "emma," which is the most popular girl's name of 2014.
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i'm going to get in there, grab one of each and finally settle the debate over the name of the war we have never debated. jimmy. ( cheers and applause ) >> blow me! all right. all right, barack obama. okay. all right. barack obama, i know you're watching. from now on, we're fighting operation operation turgid hammer. or perhaps operation reckless chain saw. or we could strike fear in the
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heart of our enemies with operation luxurious pull tabs. ( cheers and applause ) there. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: you're welcome. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: there's a bunch of good names, mr. president. okay, so please let's put some sack in this tack. there's another good one, operation sack attack. we'll be right back. ever since we launched snapshot, my life has been positively cray-cray. what's snapshot, you ask? only a revolutionary tool that can save you big-time. just plug it in, and the better you drive, the more cash you'll stash.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. my guest tonight is a comedy legend now starring in the broadway show "love letters." or as the kids call it, sexting. please welcome carol burnett. ( cheers and applause ) carol, miss burnett, thank you so much for coming on. carol, carol, carol, thank you so much for being here. >> oh, my so thrilled to be here. i just love you so much. >> stephen: oh, well-- the feeling is mutual, carol. and i also like you. ( laughter ) everybody knows who carol burnett is. you're a living legend of entertainment. let's see you had a show which
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ran from 1967-1978, the carol burnett show. you averaged 30 million viewers. ( cheers and applause ). >> at that time there was only one channel. >> stephen: right. and all of the televisions were coal fired, right, exactly. but those are super bowl numbers. that's the kind of fame people on television today can't understand. what was it like being on our tvs every saturday night, 10:00? >> 10:00 on saturday night. well, i loved it very much. we had a good time. we-- we didn't work that hard. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: really? you didn't work that hard? >> no, we didn't, no. it was like a school schedule. i worked in the morning, like, from 10:00 to 3:00, picked the kids up, home from school, went to work the next day. i averaged about 25 hours a week working. ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: nice work if you can get it. >> yup.
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>> stephen: what do you think is different about america now? in the heyday of your show, you were on saturday nights. at one point it "archie, bunky, mash, mary tile moore, and you on one saturday night. it was the greatest night of television, greatest lineup ever on television. >> it was one of them, definitely, yeah. >> stephen: why do people not watch tv on saturdays anymore? what's different? was it a simpler time when we didn't go out with our hip-hop and saggy jeans on saturday night. >> it was appointment television. that's when the families got together. today, i don't know. you know, i've seen some of the sitcoms today, and what i think is they're written by teenaged boys in a locker room. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're talking about the f-bomb. >> exactly. totally, totally, totally. and it's so easy to get a laugh that way. >> stephen: i know, ( bleep ) those people. >> that's what i say.
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( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: aside from, obviously, your legendary career on television, you're also-- you're also star of the stage, and you're going back to the stage right now, as you have for decades now. >> i'm ( bleep ) thrilled about it. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you'll be starring in "love letters" starting this saturday and the next month. "love letters" is a sweet and simple story. rather, a simply told complex story of people's love expressed in letters. >> yes, i'm fortunate enough to be working with a wonderful actor whom i adore, brian dennehy. >> stephen: brian dennehy. that's a great guy. very forceful. very powerful. he has a head like a shoulder of beef. >> he's got shoulders like joan crawford used to have. anyway, it's a story of this
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couple and their relationship that spans about a 50-year period. it starts when they're five years old -- >> stephen: so you play a five-year-old when it starts? you've got range. >> i've got a lot of range. >> stephen: it starts-- >> it starts when they have coashes. he goes to a birthday party that she's invited him to. and it spans their relationship over a 50-year period. and it's just a beautiful story about these two people. >> stephen: people don't write each other letters. shouldn't you update a play like this to all just be texting? >> no, no. >> stephen: the play would be over in eight minutes. >> no, no, we wouldn't do that. but it's not just about writing letters. it's about their relationship. now, i do get letters. because we're on youtube, so our show-- i'm getting letters from kids-- you know, three-hole, lined paper from school and
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they're just adorable. >> stephen: do you write them back? >> yeah. sometimes if they leave a phone number and i like the letter, i'll call them. ( applause ) only for kids, you know. not-- i go out on the road sometimes, and i do q & a. >> stephen: just like the beginning of the show. you still do the questions? >> i never know what they're going to ask. i don't want to know. and not too long ago this little boy was in the second row and he was raising his hand. and i said, hi, yes. he said i have a question. first, what's your name? andrew. i said how old are you andrew? and he said nine. and i said you know who i am? and he said, surprisingly, yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, carol, thank you so much. carol burnett, "love letters," beginning this saturday. we'll be right back. you got to stay in shape for all the costumes... what's that? you know like...
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