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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  October 30, 2014 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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[hip-hop music] ♪ >> from austin, texas, the state whose governor thinks putting on glasses makes you smarter, it's "the daily show"'s coverage of democalypse2014. south by southwest, a lethal injection of democracy. (cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: thank you very much! welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. our final show here in austin, texas. we've had an incredible time.
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we're going to finish off big. hometown favorite band, spoon. (cheers and applause) so we've been down here since last weekend, making shows during the day, going out at night. running a tex-mex mustache-ery. (laughter) i know those are a dime a dozen around here. (laughter) i have to tell you, this town is blowing my mind. i walked to work today. (cheers and applause) you know what people did to me as i was on my way here this morning? they smiled. (laughter) and they said, good morning. (laughter) and, by the way, not just to me, but to, like, everybody on the street. (laughter)
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and i guess my thought was, what the (bleep) was that? (laughter) (cheers and applause) last night, aaron franklin fed us barbecue. (cheers and applause) i didn't want to believe the hype but he's, like, hey, man, it's the best. i didn't buy that. but i'll tell you something, i'm more brisket than man now. (cheers and applause) he still made us wait in line for five hours. (laughter) but it was worth it and my point is this -- i'm not leaving! (cheers and applause)
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as much as people have been telling me, oh, you have to try this place, or have you ever been attacked by thousands of bats? you've got to do it here in austin. our underbridge attack bats are the best attack bats. as much as that banned out there's one refrain that i've heard that still feels like hyperbole. >> democrats salivating over flipping texas, solid red, to blue. >> i thought texas was going to be blue in 2012. >> jon: really! listen to me, texas has been a conservative state since dinosaurs roamed it 6,000 years ago. (applause) according to the state's high school textbooks.
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(cheers and applause) if tax has a right to turn blue, how does texas candidate for governor gregg abbott carry a 20-point lead over wendy davis? i assume that popularity comes from abbott maybe starting to sell himself to texas voters as an enlightening centrist. he sued the obama administration 30 times. >> and at a time democrats pose add greater threat to texas than north korea. >> posted an ad that shows a gun and bible and reads, two things every american should know how to use, neither of which are taught in schools. >> that's why gregg abbott is opening his howdy jesus, bang!
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bang! academy! (cheers and applause) isn't it time your kids' teachers ask the question, what would jesus shoot? (laughter) so texas is not quite ready for a blue governor -- or a moderate governor or anyone who even a decade ago would be considered a mainstream republican, is there anyone up for statewide office that's too far right for a texas that might be turning blue? how about lieutenant governor's race? >> dan patrick admits he's a chris cane conservative and walked off the floor during a muslin prayer. >> outlawing all abortion even in the case of rape. (booing) >> jon: you couldn't be redder than that guy if you took clifford the big red dog and shoved it into the devil's rectum. that's as red as red as red!
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(cheers and applause) i'm glad we didn't do that whole picture (laughter) i mean, if there is just even a hint of teal in this state, that guy's got to be going down. >> numbers released today show commanding leads for republicans candidates statewide. dan patrick came out with a 17-point lead over democrat leticia van de putte. >> jon: 17-point lead! is he running against a democrat or a jar of salsa from new york city! (laughter) maybe the blue is starting on a local level, a congressional representative. >> i've had people say, hey, there's nothing wrong with, you know, gays in the military. look at the greeks. well, you know, they did have
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people come along who they loved that was the same sex and would give them massages before they went into battle. but you know what, it's a different kind of fighting, it's a different kind of war and if you're sitting around getting massages all day, then you're not going to last very long. (laughter) >> jon: you know gays and their massages. (laughter) it was okay in the old days when wars had happy endings, right? (laughter) wow! i'll be, like, that guy is actually trying to turn texas (bleep). and that's just the tip of the red bird. >> the government spooks are drunk on power doing what democracy says you will not do. >> the hubris and arrogance of government social engineering. >> ine socialism.
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socialism in it's purest form. >> where's the constitution? the president deserves to be impeached plain and simple. >> i hate to see a dictatorship come into this country but seems like that's what's happening. >> jon: that guy seems awful folksy about dictatorship showing up on american soil! shucks! hate to see us getting ready to throw folks into box cars and send them off to labor camps, but... (laughter) shoot! i reckon that's what's happening. (laughter) hey! mrs. johnson, do i smell pie? is that your rhubarb pie? i sure would like a slice! while we're all still free! (cheers and applause) yes! even in the face of all that, democrats still think they have a chance to take this state.
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>> the one thing democrats have working in their favor is demographics. >> in the next six years, hispanics are expected to be 42% neck and neck with the caucasian white population in texas. >> you will be announcing that we're calling the 38 electoral votes of texas for the democratic nominee for president. (cheers and applause) >> jon: you poor bastards. (laughter) democrats, you're that drunk guy at the bar who won't stop hitting on a girl, even though he knows she's a lesbian. (laughter) no, dude, trust me! i can totally flip her! i just need time! we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: you know, from what we've seen here -- i don't know even know what the phrase is -- i've got to tell you, there's one thing about austin that we found truly bizarre. samantha. >> if there's one thing people
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know about austin, texas, it's weird! how does austin keep it weird? >> oh, they have a lot of really crazy, kooky people here. >> okay. last week i saw a guy with a -- like a bore rat kind of thing riding a bicycle. >> i was walking down sixth street on a saturday night and there was a woman about no top on. >> what's so weird about austin? yes, austin is known as the free-thinking, less leaning, distinctly liberal blueberry in the tomato soup of texas. i can only imagine what their members of congress look like. >> who's your congressional representative? >> it is roger williams. roger williams! oh, my god! he sounds amazing! what does he look like? oh, my god, he's got the piercings and has dream catchers
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and -- >> that's not roger williams at all. >> probably has a daughter named sunbeam, turned his navel into a stash pocket? >> no, not at all. he's an old white guy. he's a republican. there you go. >> we have five republicans that represent austin in congress. >> five republicans represent austin in congress out of how many? >> out of six. there goes my progressive lady boner. totally placid now. they're only republican ironically, though, right? >> no, they legitimately have the r in frond and they embody that r. >> in a city so liberal that the only right-leaning mayoral candidate apparently ran on a bet, somehow five of six congressional representatives are staunchly republican. michael voted on planned parenthood,hood called remack a nightmare. roger williams says president obama is a socialist. this guy could have sponsored a
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bill. even the lone democrat looks like he could fire your father. we talked to an expert to see how this happened. >> redistricting or gerrymandering is when they redraw the voting p to ensure a constituency that will bring them back to office, something politicians do to manipulate the voting process. >> that's very good. that's very good. would you like a cricket? the rep-drawn map works so hard to break up austin into conservative friendly districts that the tent extents to houston where the 25th reaches dallas 243 miles away. dallas is the largest city in the country without an anchor district. what makes austin weird isn't the top hats and bikes, it's something even weirder. oh, my gosh! you austinites -- that's what's so weird about austin, okay?
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you seem to be so progressive but the vast majority of your congressional representatives are staunch republicans. you almost had me fooled thinking it's totally progressive here. i'm never going to be cool! you guys are so cool! you're so counterculture! i can't even keep up. >> that's pretty weird but not in the way i like. >> yes, exactly! redistricting won't take place here for another eight years. so until then, austinnites are (bleep) with representation that doesn't represent them? ooh, they're red! that looks just like district 21! >> jon: samantha, we'll be right
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. my guests tonight -- they got their start here in austin 20 years ago. now to play the song "inside out" from their new album, "they want my soul," please welcome spoon. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ time's gone inside out
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♪ time gets distorted with ♪ this intense gravity ♪ i don't got time for holy rollers ♪ but then they wash my feet ♪ and i won't be their soldier ♪ there's intense gravity ♪ i'm just your satellite ♪ i'm just your satellite ♪ ooh, and i know that time's gone inside out ♪ and now it's only like we told you ♪ hmmm... oh then they wash my feet
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♪ they do not make me complete ♪ ♪ ♪ break out a character for me
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♪ time keeps going on when ♪ we got nothing else to give ♪ we got nothing else to give ♪ ooh, 'cause our time's gone inside out ♪ i don't make time for holy rollers ♪ hmmm... there's only you i need ♪ they do not make me complete ♪ ♪
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(cheers and applause)
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here's the situation-- a contaminated energy drink has turned everyone into mutants. - ( roars ) - all this place needs is a hero. one who doesn't just survive, but does it with style! - ( rock music playing ) - ♪ i can't hide ♪ ♪ i'm too high ♪ ♪ ain't time for a drive-by... ♪ can you save sunset city? of course you can. it's a -- video game. announcer: rated m for mature. ( announcer speaks )
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. i just want to thank austin, the entire city, the zach theater.
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(cheers and applause) thank you so much. i want to thank whatever process is used to smoke meat. (cheering) i honestly feel like a snake that swallowed an animal whole. and i may not eat again for weeks. but you guys, would you do another? >> yeah, we could do one more. >> jon:spoon! it's their new album "they want my soul." thank you guys again. ♪ ♪ ♪ i was on 45th ♪ i was half out of a dive
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♪ yeah i knew that you saw me ♪ you laughed when i looked back ♪ i thought i'd given up ♪ now i didn't feel so bad ♪ and then shock went through me ♪ and then i walked right back ♪ do you want to get understood ♪ do you want one thing or are you looking for sainthood? ♪ do you run when it's just getting good? ♪ or do you, do you, do you, do you -- ♪
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♪ ♪ someone get popsicles ♪ someone do something 'bout this heat ♪ 'cause it's late in october ♪ and tar's still melting in the streets ♪ you tip toe for ages and lose yourself ♪ flipping back pages, unblocking belts ♪ oh love, that's the way love comes ♪ do you, don't you know that that's the way love comes? ♪ do you feel it black and blue?
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♪ or do you, do you, do you, do you... ♪ ♪ >> stephen: tonight, a new solution for voter apathy-- get ready for tripper polling stations. ( laughter ) then how can you tell if someone is american? if you're overseas, look for the canadian flag on their backpack. and my guest, david miliband, has just returned from supervising the response to ebola in africa. so remember, audience, do not lick the guest. ( laughter ) u. penn is offering a class in wasting time on the internet. oh! i hope they offer it online. this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central

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