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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 31, 2014 9:47am-10:18am PDT

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>> stephen: tonight, a new solution for voter apathy-- get ready for tripper polling stations. ( laughter ) then how can you tell if someone is american? if you're overseas, look for the canadian flag on their backpack. and my guest, david miliband, has just returned from supervising the response to ebola in africa. so remember, audience, do not lick the guest. ( laughter ) u. penn is offering a class in wasting time on the internet. oh! i hope they offer it online. this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central
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( cheers and applause ) whooo! whooo! whooo! whooo! >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us in here, out there, all around the world! how you doing, everybody? whooo! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the report. nation, nation, i am so glad, i am so glad you are here tonight because the world is swept up in the gripping news story about the threat of ebola. but i talked about that on monday, so i've done my part. let's move on. ( laughter ) to a much bigger story-- me. you see-- ( cheers and applause ) folks, this past tuesday, my
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book "america again: re-becoming the greatness we never weren't," was released in paperback. ( cheers and applause ) if you did not get this book before, get it now. and if you did get it before, get it now. because this book is perfect for longtime fans, or first-time viewers who are wondering, "who is this colbert guy?" all your questions are answered in here, starting with, "has he written a book?" you'll have to buy it to find out. of course, for the millions of you who already own a hardcover cover of "america again," you should still buy the paperback version because it makes a wonderful bookmark. ( applause ) and, folks, there is an even-- ( cheers ) there's an even more important reason for you to buy my book-- because on december 18, my show
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is ending. >> audience: no! >> stephen: i know, i know, i know, but, folks, folks, after nine years, i am taking a well-earned vacation. though i'm not sure where yet. i'll have to talk to my travel agent. where am i going, grimmy? ( laughter ) okay, fire. so some place warm? ( laughter ) some place warm with goat horns. greece! opa! ( applause ) thanks, buddy. there are so few good travel agents left. the point is, stephen colbert, the guy you've seen here every night for nine years, will be gone. and all you'll have left-- all
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you'd have left of me is this book. so pick up "america again" in paperback for a loved one, or for a hated one. go to your local independent bookstore, because i have a longtime war against amazon, and i will never relent. ( cheers and applause ) or, or, buy it on amazon because, you know, just buy it. nation, the midterms are less than just under a week away, and like me, the american people could not be more excited about this election. >> a lot of people don't care about midterms. >> more than two-thirds of voters will stay home on this election day. >> even anecdotally, people who were lifelong, very involved in politics this year, are just like, "i'm over it." >> does anybody care? >> not really. just 15% say they were following the midderm elections. >> the midterms-- they're coming up. you know, the midterms. i can see you yawning. >> stephen: i wasn't yawning.
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i was saying yaaaay for the midterms. all that hasn't come cheap. the midterms are the most expensive ever, costing $4 billion, and nobody is watching. it's like the loan ranger of elections. i think i have found the way, the perfect way to reinvigorate our election process. laf night, i was up watching cnn-- i ran out of ambien. ( laughter ) and after watching them yammer on about how nobody cares about the midterms, i flipped over to a rerun of "star trek," a classic episode called "a taste of armageddon." episode 23, season 1. ( cheers ) yeah, oh, yeah. the good old days, back before kirk's mission was to traflt universe negotiating cheap airline tickets. now, huge "star trek" fans like me, or as we call ourselves, "starries," know that in this
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episode the enterprise is sent to establish relations with eminar vii, a society that has deemed conventional warfare too destructive and conventional hats too not-pointy. instead they have a computer simulate war and then calculate the number of dead. citizens reported as killed must submit themselves for termination by walking into a disintegration booth. in the end, kirk convinces these societies to live in peace all for the noble purpose of boning an alien. this episode, this episode about two bitterly opposed factions determined to destroy the other reminded me of the midterms. think of parallels-- nobody want themselves to happen. they're costing a ton of money, and i'm pretty sure louie gohmert is ferreningy. i'd say-- folks, say instead of the destructive mess of an election, let's have computers
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simulate all the our elections from now on, and select the winners. now, i'm sure many of you are saying stephen that sounds great, but what about the $4 billion? don't worry. we'll still piss that stuff away. ( laughter ) because every election cycle, the computers will order huge piles of money to report directly to the disintegration machine. it will save time. you won't have to watch any campaign ads or pay attention to the politics. the only downside is that chuck todd will have to go back to his previous job as punxsutawney phil. ( laughter ) and, folks, i have taken-- i have taken the initiative of building my own machine-- behold, the disinteporter 6700. the machine is loaded with a pile of $100 bills, and i, i will now disinteporter the money. which means you will either disintegrate or teleport some place else.
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i'm not sure. i lost the owner's manual. either way, either way, folks, the money will be gone, but i can't watch. because during the course of this episode, i boned that money. and... ( cheers ) >> don't do it, stephen! >> stephen: george takei. what are you doing in there? >> i'm not sure. i was in the elevator on my way to zabars when i ended up here. but, i overheard your plan and its madness. don't do it, stephen. >> stephen: but, george, this will solve all of our election
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problems and no one will get hurt. >> stephen, democracy is a sacred trust. yes, it's a messy business but the will of the people must not be abdicated to a machine. only by engaging more deeply in the issues and voting your conscience can we hope to move beyond the eternal gridlock that threatens to destroy our society. no matter how bleak things may seem, you have the power to change them. do your duty as an american, and as a citizen of the galaxy, vote. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i gotta say, i gotta say, those are powerful words. and disintegrate. oh, my. watch my documentary "to be
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takei," available in itunes. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: become back, everybody. nation once again, if you watch the news, you know what i'm talking about. if you know the news, you know that barack obama is once again failing to protect our borders.
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countless latinoids are mexican hat dancing right in to steal our jobs. luckily, we have outsmarting them by hiding those jobs in china. ( laughter ) and the newest immigration cries comes from women and what they're doing south of the lady border. >> the business just passed a-- the obama administration just passed a new measure allowing babies of non-americans but born from american surrogates to get u.s. passports. foreign children and their parents will get access to american education, health care, welfare, and retirement services. somebody whisper that in the womb. >> stephen: yes, non-american babies born to americans will now be able to get u.s. citizenship. somebody whisper that in the womb. but first, press the bellybutton twice for english. and it's all because this week, the department of homeland security expanded the definition of mother to include qem who gave birth to the child, regardless of whether they are
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the genetic mothers, all to accommodate women using assistive reproductive technology such as in vitro fertilization. previously, if an american woman pregnant with an anonymous donor egg had her baby in, say, london, children would not be a u.s. citizen, dooming it to a lifetime of british cuisine. i for one do not think babies should be drinking warm beer. now, i don't know what any of this really means, but i think we all know what this really means. >> if feels like an expansion of the definition of motherhood, just like we expand the definition of gender and other things. >> when it's surrogate, you're not genetically the child's mother. >> got it. so there's no american genetics involved at all. >> exactly. >> this is what we do to create citizens in a country. you're not passing on the civic duty, the understanding of america. it just feels like a total erosion? >erosion. >> stephen: it's a total erosion, because we all know
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that citizenship is genetic, and as a christian, i believe american begins at conception. i mean, uterus-a! uterus-a! uterus-a! uterus-a! oh, that looks good. nation, i gotta say i'm scared this law could ipspire a whole generation of american women trying to cash in by moving abroad and carrying anchor zygotes. and, yes, that may sound bat ( bleep ) crazy to most people, but most people are not these people. >> are you going to have american women around the world trying to make a buck off this? so what if that surrogate mom who is an american decides well you know what? i'm kind of selling citizenship here. 120 grand ain't going to cut it. let me get that puppy up to a quarter million. is that taxable income? >> good point. is that taxable income? or can the baby write off your womb as a home office?
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but, folks, there is a bright side to this fallopian loophole. as you know, i have already helped millions procreate with my exclusive line of premium man-seed, stephen colbert's formula 401. but-- ( cheers and applause ) if there's this much money to be made in u.s.d.a. certified american eggs, then daddy wants in. that's why tonight i am proud to unveil my new product, coal's formula poach premium man-egg. i know what you're saying. men are not supposed to ovulate. they're also not supposed to eat as much edmamie as i do. folks, use both of those products and you are guaranteed an american baby. since my seed and these egg comes with full documentation of citizenship because i produce both while having my passport
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photo taken. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) guinness master brewers tproudly introduce new guinness blonde american lager. deliciously crisp and flavorful, brewed with mosaictm and willamette american hops and using centuries old guinness brewing artistry and traditions. the first addition in the new guinness discovery series.
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symbol of our love and understanding. comparing rates for you. now that's progressive. [ high-pitched ] nailed it! ♪ [driver] started my camry. ♪ picked up someone i hadn't seen in far too long. ♪ went somewhere we'd both never been. ♪ did something we've both never done. ♪ and was reminded that the most important things in life aren't things, they're people. ♪ the bold new camry. one bold choice leads to another. toyota. let's go places. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is english. i will interview him in his native tongue. please welcome david miliband. ( cheers and applause ) mr. miliband, thank you so much for being here. >> good to be here. >> stephen: cheers as we say.
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>> cheers. >> stephen: where everybody knows your name. you're the fommer british secretary. you're my first cabinet secretary to come over here. thank you. it's an honor. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: who put you in the job? >> the prime minister was gordon brown at the time. >> stephen: good guy? >> good guy. >> stephen: that's like our secretary of state. >> you don't have to say mr. secretary. >> stephen: i don't have to say it. you have to say madam secretary when hillary clinton is here. you're c.e.o. of the rescue committee and you recently returned from west africa. and the incubation for ebola my understanding is 21 days. how many days ago did you return from liberia? >> 20. ( laughter ) we'll shake hands again. >> stephen: no, no. all right. uhm-- why hasn't governor cuomo clapped you in iron and stuffed
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you in a hefty bag and hung you off the george washington bridge? are you communicable right now? >> i'm not communicable, communicating ebola to you, if that's what you're asking. >> stephen: that is what i'm asking. >> i'm absolutely safe. >> stephen: were you helping patients there? >> my organization has been in sierra leone and liberia for 15 years helping people displaced by war and conflict, about 35 countries around the world. there was civil war in sierra leone and liberia. thank goodness we are here. the ebola virus is very, very dangerous, killed at least 5,000 people. the situation there is many times worse than the official figures suggest. >> stephen: but why should we let guys like you who go over there to help those people-- and that's great-- to go over there and help those people about@why should we let you back into western countries that don't have ebola. aren't you a disease vector now? >> i'm not. it's a reasonable question and let me answer why.
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i didn't go there to see patient pips went there to meet our staff, to support the work they're doing to, neat the governments there, talk about what they're doing, so i could come back here and give people the real facts about the situation. which is that while the situation there is many times worse than the official figures suggest, the situation here is completely different, and many times better than the general level of hysteria that you've heard in the media and elsewhere. >> stephen: now that you're in the united states and you've seen our situation here, how long before we can go back outside and go bowling and stuff like that? ( laughter ). >> i would love to go bowling with you. give me the day. >> stephen: we can't go bowling because the guy in new york he went bowling here in new york. he did, he went e-bowling. he went e-bowling and i can't put my hand over that little blower. >> he didn't leave any ebola in the bowling ball. i can assure you that. >> stephen: is this all you guys do is ebola? what is your focus?
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>> our focus is wherever there is war, conflicts and disaster we go there within 72 hours to help on health, education, water and san tairkz and eventually, because these civil wars go on for years, help people with economic livelihood to stand on their own feet in the midst of terrible conflicts. and i'm very, very proud that we got 12,000 staff around the world, americans, but also mainly people from those countries, whether it's helping with education in afghanistan, whether it's getting medical supplies into syria. these are local people who we're employing to make a difference in the most war-torn, most vulnerable, the most dangerous parts of the world. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: what is the most war-torn, most dangerous part of the world right now? >> at the moment it's syria. it's a country of 22 million people. 10.6 million people have been displaced from their homes. three million refugees in the neighboring countries. in jordan, your second closest ally in the region, country of six million people, over a
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million refugees. that's like the whole of britain coming to america. just imagine -- >> stephen: they tried that and we kicked their ass. >> exactly. ( applause ) >> stephen: globally, how many refugees are there out there right now? >> every four secondaise person is displaced from their home, whether inside their own country or over a border, 52 million people last year. a world record. world record. >> stephen: what if they all converted to judaism? doesn't israel have to take them? >> the tragedy it is a lot are left in refugee camps, in urban areas, left in limbo. they're almost left without a future at all and our job is to make sure we give them a modicum of dignity, we help them survive. we help them try and gain some control over their shattered lives. >> stephen: that sounds like it could be a dangerous job at times. >> it's very dangerous. and the courage, one of the most inspiring things that i've seen over last year, i've been in this job for about a year, the most inspiring thing is the
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courage of our front line workers who say even when their colleagues have been killed, we've had tragically earlier this year in south sudan, the famine situation on the horizon, we had two people killed, two of our staff killed, even though they were inside a u.n. compound. and i went to visit some of the survivors, and the-- a woman in charge of our team in south sudan had just come back from visiting her family in uganda, and she said to me, "i'm determined to come back because these people here deserve some help." and that's the kind of people who are working for us. and that's the kind of people i think make a difference around the world. >> stephen: well, if you do decide to run for president of the united states, you have my support. >> will the colbert nation become part of rescue nation? >> stephen: or that's an interesting thing. the show is ending in december. the colbert nation needs something to do. what if they became part of rescue nation?
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>> tag up at the i.r.c., visit rescue.org, the web site, join the effort to really make a difference around the world. >> stephen: thank you, david. david miliband, international rescue committee. we'll be right back. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) the exhilaration of a new engine. painstakingly engineered without compromise. to be more powerful... and, miraculously, unleash 46 mpg highway. an extravagance reserved for the privileged few. until now. hey josh! new jetta? yeah. introducing lots of new. the new volkswagen jetta tdi clean diesel. isn't it time for german engineering?
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...and check your connection status... ♪ ...anytime, anywhere. ♪ [ dog growls ] ♪ oh. so you're protesting? ♪ okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. available on any device. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ac.w

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