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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 12, 2014 5:55pm-6:28pm PST

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(eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report"! thank you for joining us! (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you so much for being here! (cheering) a beautiful night for a broadcast to the american people and nation. thank you. please have a seat. folks, i want to welcome you all. (cheering) folks, i want to welcome you all to "says me street" brought to you tonight by the letter c and the number 19
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(laughter) >> stephen: nation, as much as this administration would like us to forget it, we are just in the opening chapters in our war on terror, and over the weekend, there may have been a major plot twist. >> conflicting reports on the fate of the leader of i.s.i.s., abu bakr al-baghdadi. u.s. warplanes attacked a convoy near mosul in iraq this weekend. it's unknown, though, if that top guy was among them. >> al-baghdadi may have been killed or wounded in a u.s. air strike. >> the leader of i.s.i.s., abu bakr al-baghdadi, may be dead tonight. >> stephen: yeah, we maybe got you, sucker! (laughter) rest in possibly! (laughter) folks, i am theoretically pumped that this brutal murderer is hypothetically out of the picture. (laughter) i say, bring the champagne to room temperature so it's ready to chill if that proves necessary! (laughter) and while i, of course, would like to know for
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certain that the monster who promised to turn new york into an ash-heap is deceased, at least this uncertainty gives our tabloids time to stock up on their zinger headlines, like when saddam was sentenced to hang, the "new york post" went with "good noose." (laughter) or when we killed bin laden and found porn in his compound, they hit us with this actual headline. "osama bin wankin." (laughter) and who can forget that when we got al quaida in iraq leader abu musab al-zarqawi, the "post" cover screamed "gotcha" and featured a death photo with a speech bubble saying "warm up the virgins." (laughter) you know those were his actual last words 'cuz, if it weren't, legally, the "post" would have to use a thought bubble. (laughter) once we know al-baghdadi is dead for sure, there's gonna be a gold rush for the perfect headline. which is why i'm staking my claim now and hereby copyrighting the following
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phrases:. al-bagh-dead-y. (laughter) body-baghdadi. (laughter) much abu about nothing. (laughter) abu goes die-namite. (laughter) let's caliph the whole thing off. (laughter) and bakr "not" to the future. (laughter) those are mine, "new york post". if you use any of those headlines, i'll see you in court. or to paraphrase al-zarqawi, "warm up the lawyers." (laughter) nation, i know i've often called president obama a national embarrassment, but i can't do that tonight because, tonight, he's an international embarrassment. (laughter) this time, in china, where he's attending an economic summit and, once again, he has embarrassed america. first off, he wore traditional chinese garb but forgot the starfleet communicator. (laughter) even worse, when he should be
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over there chewing china out, he was chewing something else. >> a faux pas by president obama. some say he was rude emerging from his car yesterday chewing gum. >> it appeared he was chewing gum as he walked with the chinese counterpart. >> there have been reports in chinese media that the chinese here in beijing were offended by the president's gum chewing. mr. obama was seen chewing his nicorette gum. >> stephen: outrageous! why are you chewing nicorette, mr. president? you're in beijing -- the one place on earth where inhaling burnt tar is the healthy choice. (laughter) i'm just as offended as the chinese people. as we all learned in school, if you want to chew gum, you bring enough for everybody -- that's 1.3 billion sticks. (laughter) i assume they like big red. (laughter) so it's no wonder that obama was characterized by the chinese internet users as an impolite "idler" or careless "rapper." (laughter)
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we all know how much the hip-hop rapsmen love representin' the g-u-m. as snoop once rhyme-flowed -- "rollin' down the street, chewing spearmint, thinkin' bout juicy fruit, with my mind on my bubbles and my bubbles on my mind." (laughter) (cheers and applause) rest in peace, two-pack. (laughter) you, too, wrigley smalls. (laughter) (cheers and applause) but not everyone at the summit was acting like a gum-smacking teen. real president vladimir putin was trying to get him some dim sum. >> vladimir putin giving his
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coat toshine's first lady. the reason? she was cold. >> vladimir putin created a stir by slipping a shawl over the first lady of china and the china media, which is state-backed, immediately removed the image. >> stephen: what a gentleman. you don't even have to ask vlad, and he will give you the shirt off his back. (laughter) but the thing that has me even more outraged than how much disrespect obama showed to china was how much respect he showed to china. >> did the leader of the free world bow to the chinese president? some say yes. you can see he tilts his head greeting president xi. >> you can see that he tilts his head greeting the president yesterday. >> stephen: some say he bowed! first fox, now me -- two is some. (laughter) and just look at that head tilt. there it goes! oh, yes! yes, it's barely noticeable, but my digital team was able to project where he wanted to go with that.
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oh... that is shameful. i can't believe the president is allowing me to do this to him. and now his pants are falling down! (laughter) where's the dignity? somebody, cover him up! (laughter) thank you! and i'm not the only one enraged by barack o-bow-ma. (laughter) trademark "new york post." (laughter) fox business analyst and unshaved speedbag bo dietl got his dietl all over this story. >> he's over in china now! let the other guy eat sum yung yo yew -- whatever he's eatin' over there! sum yung yoo eee! who cares about china? they are invading all of our computers. they're breaching! they're hacking! he's over there. "hello." i'm sure he bowed 16 times to these guys. stop it! president, what you should be bowing to is your veterans! that's who you should be bowing to instead of the head of
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saudi arabia. uga, uga, uga! >> stephen: yeah! obama's chowin' down on yim yum yoo yoo while the chinese are breaching our computer bleep-bloop boxes! so stop giving bing bang bow wows to the king kong of ching chong! the troops are the ones who deserve our ooga-oogas! bo dietl and i both know today is veterans day -- even though only one of us is sure what year it is. (laughter) >> we're in 20 -- and what is this? 15, almost 14. what we got to all remember, the only reason why we're able to sit here and talk and not wear abba-dabba-doo hats or whatever is because of these veterans. >> stephen: he's right. if it weren't for our veterans, we'd all be wearing abba-dabba-doo hats, pushing -- (cheers and applause) pushing around abba-dabba-doo cars, and arguing
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with our abba-dabba-dishwashers. (laughter) that's time we could be spending with our bam-bams. (laughter) i'm with dietl. it's hard to believe that in the year -- i dunno, i'm going to guess 20-tippity-2, we don't respect our troops. they fought for us, on the beaches of ooh la lah, zut-de-put-de-toi, in the jungles of viet-pling-plang, and in the deserts of aboo-gaboo-stan. they're the heros. what if we done with our lives? spent them screaming on tv. incoherently? i just hope some day soon i can leave all this behind. maybe retire to the coast of rio ba-da-bingo. then again, i've always wanted to see the cliffs of mala-kaki-kooky. we'll be right back. (laughter) ♪ (cheers and applause) can't wait to get the next big thing?
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. nation, i believe in giving you the whole truth and nothing but the truth, as long as you don't ask about the shed in my yard. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) first up, with republicans set to take over congress in january, i have been appalled to see barack obama is brazenly still president. case in executive overreach, this weekend, he named his choice to succeed attorney general eric holder. >> president barack obama announces he wants u.s. attorney loretta lynch to take over the justice department. 55-year-old lynch would be the first black woman to hold the post of attorney general. >> she has spent years in the trenches as a prosecutor
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aggressively fighting terrorism, financial fraud, cybercrime, all the while vigorously defending civil rights. >> i will wake up every morning with the protection of the american people my first thought. >> stephen: her first waking thought is protecting the american people? apparently, she's got better things to do while she's asleep. (laughter) oh, i'm sorry. i guess she's too busy riding a unicorn to a test that she's late for naked. lynch simply isn't qualified. i read all about it over the weekend, when brietbart.gov journalist and wilford brimley tribute head, warner todd huston, blew the lid off the scandal that lynch was "a part of bill clinton's whitewater probe defense team in 1992". kids, if you're too young to remember, whitewater was the benghazi of arkansas real estate. (laughter) the bombshell destroys loretta lynch's credibility to be attorney general, if it were true.
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but it turns out, teddy roosevelt here had the wrong loretta lynch. this is the attorney genome -- this is the attorne attorney general nominee. this is the one who defended clinton during whitewater. there's just no way to tell them apart. (laughter) but as soon as walrus-man noticed the mistake, brietbart issued a correction by leaving up the same headline and adding the word "corrected." from there, it's the exact same story about how obama's loretta lynch defended the clintons until you get to the very bottom of the article, where it reads, "correction: the loretta lynch identified earlier as the whitewater attorney was, in fact, a different attorney." (laughter) so i'm giving a tip of the hat to breitbart journalist warner todd huston for breaking this news, finding out it's broken, but sticking with it anyway. (laughter) because no matter who she actually is, i still stand against the nomination of loretta lynch.
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i just don't think a coal miner's daughter has any place as attorney general. (laughter) plus, why isn't anyone talking about the time she stole christmas? it's scandalous! (laughter) so i salute breitbart for not taking down a headline that you know is false. you are craven political hatchet men. oh, they eventually took it down? my apologies. they are craven political hatchet men. corrected. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) there are more reasons than ever why now is the best time to be on verizon. one: verizon's the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in the country. that's right america. with xlte in over 400 markets.
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alright, this one goes out to my friends:e four randy tamara lydia hollywood i haven't seen you guys in six years i propose that y'all come down here play a little table tennis [wuuuu] come on guys that's the herd call [guitar sound] remember that! it's sad how much i miss you people i really need one of your hugs also bring your sister, i'm just kidding, that was just once we're all ready over here. if you could grab a bud with any of your friends these holidays, who would it be?
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...and check your connection status... ♪ ...anytime, anywhere. ♪ [ dog growls ] ♪ oh. so you're protesting? ♪ okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. available on any device. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has a new reality show called "house of d.v.f." to saver the interview, you will want to record it on your "box of d.v.r." please welcome diane von furstenberg! (cheers and applause) diane von furstenberg, thank you so much for being here!
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lovely to see you again. thank you for being here, being so elegant as always. >> i thought i was known as the rap dress. >> stephen: you are known as the iconic rap dress. i would love to wear it but my hips are so unforgiving. >> it's all about the waist. you just wrap it around and a feel sexy. >> stephen: why aren't you wearing one? >> well, because i have no waist anymore. >> stephen: how does it do with a gut? that's me, not you, madam. (laughter) okay, everybody knows who you are, fashion designer, entrepreneur, the iconic wrap dress. you have a new show called "house of d.v.f." which we'll get to in a moment, but first you have a book called "the woman i wanted to be." you have been a princess, you have been a fashion designer, which are the two most popular
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barbies. is there any kind of woman you wanted to be but never were? >> no, because i think the woman you want to be is many different women at different times, and -- >> stephen: sounds vaguely schizophrenic. >> no, no, it's just a matter of living your fantasy, doing it nice, seriously, but dreaming about who you want to be and becoming who you want to be. i was lucky. i came to america and lived this big american dream, becoming the woman i wanted to be. >> stephen: when did you become her? >> well, early. >> stephen: early? i was maybe 27, 28. but the good thing is that i became that woman while i was -- i had come up with something that would make other women be the woman you want to be. so, you see, i became confident while i was making other women
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confident. >> stephen: were you making other women into the woman you wanted to be or they wanted to be? >> no! >> stephen: doesn't it say, in fact, this is what you will be wearing this year, darling? >> no, no. >> stephen: green is out! no, no, no. all i do is i give women the little tricks, the little things that are going to make them look sexy and feel empowered. >> stephen: why don't you do that for men? don't we deserve to feel sexy and empowered as well? you're a feminist icon -- (applause) aren't you being sexist against men? what makes a man sexy? >> viagra? (laughter) (cheers and applause) anyway, that's the worst thing that happened to women in the last ten years, you know. >> stephen: viagra? why? because there's no point in a
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man's life when he will give it a rest? >> yes, because we lost our kind of edge. but we're not here to talk about that. >> stephen: no, we're here to talk about diane von furstenberg. >> yes. >> stephen: what drew you to fashion at an early age? >> the thing is that i did not know what i wanted to do but i knew that i wanted to be -- who i wanted to be. i wanted to be independent. >> stephen: you came from wealth, right? and you married enormous wealth. (laughter) independence was a part of that, wasn't it? >> you see, i became independent on my own with one little dress, and my thing in life is once i empowered myself is to empower others. my tv show, "house of d.v.f.," we premiered two weeks ago, sunday, every sunday, they told me to tell you that, every
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sunday on e at 10:00 (stephen repeating) >> and it's the story of eight, hot, sexy girls -- >> stephen: that's a bold choice in fashion. go ahead. >> and they come into my world and they learn everything about design and merchandising and p.r. and one will become a grand ambassador. >> stephen: i don't want any spoilers, but what are the odds at the end of the season you win? (applause) because you're already an excellent grand ambassador for d.v.f. >> yes, but i'm getting old! i couldn't be the one. >> stephen: let's talk about
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d.v.f. how does one get into the three-initial club, j.f.k., l.b.j. -- what about d.v.f.? >> it's a long journey. even my children called me d.v.f. >> stephen: really? not my son. m -- my son, mydaughter. >> stephen: your son calls you d.v.f.? a little cold. >> no, no, nothing cold about my son. >> stephen: nothing cold about you either. women say, oh, you men have it easy, you wear suits, stuff like that. if women don't have the dress uniform for work the way men are told the way they do for a suit, if you could design the thing women wore as a work uniform as a suit, what would bit? >> confidence.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: there it is, diane von furstenberg, ladies. she says confidence and nothing else. (laughter) diane, thank you so much for joining us. (cheers and applause) "the woman i wanted to be," diane von furstenberg. we'll be right back! [announcer:] apples are good.
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miller invented lite beer, and that changed everything. great taste deserved great packaging, which led to new packaging, improved packaging, and ultimately, too many improvements. which led us back to our original look. miller lite we invented lite beer, you're welcome. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good night! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> november 11, 2014!
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from comedy central's headquarters in new york, "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and a captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm jon stewart. our guest tonight, ambassador samantha power. (cheers and applause) >> jon: you know, i believe when you're cheering, you might have missed what i said. (laughter) samantha power. (cheers and applause) ♪ i got the power! (laughter) >> jon: literally, you drowned out the little music sting there
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and i'm completely thrown off! big news from the war on hemorrhagic viruses. >> new york city's first and only ebola case successfully treated. dr. spencer is ebola free and new york city is ebola free. >> jon: hearings we did it, people, we're ebola-free! (cheers and applause) ♪ ain't no bloody feces on me! ♪ i was singing again and you missed it... (laughter) reminds me there was a time in new york when we respected ebola and changed our behavior. >> if you came across strange mucus or feces on the street or anywhere else, you know, don't eat it. (laughter) >>

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