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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 2, 2014 1:35am-2:07am PST

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>> that's our show. here is the moment of zen. >> me and rashawn two black men will be jogging. we're not robbing anything. don't shoot us accidentally as we are jogging on the streets of detroit. >> why are you captioning sponsy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh tonight at this look at the protest in ferguson, though they are a little hard to see through the tear gas. and then isis finds a new way to recruit. that's one more linked in request to delete. and my guest is arizona senator john mccain though you probably know him best as the man who launched sarah palin's tv career. resempers are developing a breathalyzer to detect marijuana. the best part is, you can turn it into a bong. this is the colbert report.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcom welcome-- welcome-- welcome to the report. good to you have with us. thank you. >> stephen, stephen, steph en! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. thank you. heroes in here, out there, all around the world. thank you. sit down. nation, thank you so much for being here, folks it. great to be back. in the home stretch. nation, i hope you all had a wonderful, a wonderful-- i hope you all had a wonderful
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thanksgiving, or as it is known to native americans sarcastic you are welcome giving. dinner at my house was great as always. this year i got the wish bone and my wish came true. the doctors were able to remove it from my throat. (laughter) of course i was off all last week. so there is a lot of news to dach up on. starting with a major conflict once again in a troubled desert region. (laughter) don't get cocky, kid. whooo. the new star wars trail ter dropped over thanksgiving weekend. and it was all anyone in my family could talk about. which, unfortunately, lead to my aunt rita saying some horribly racist things it
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about the gungan. folks, i, i am the original fan of star wars. in 1977, this is a true story, when i was in 8th grade, i won two tickets from a local radio station to see this new movie star wars two weeks before it came out nationally. no idea what it was going to be, haskel feudenberg's mom drove does. an i loved it it on the way home theres with a full moon. i pretended it was the deathstar it but at school on monday, i couldn't explain how everything was different now because nobody had seen it it they thought my darth vader impression was just asthma. though, though i will say, i did get out of gym for a month. then the movie comes out. everybody is saying it is the greatest thing ever but i thought first i have been a star wars fan two weeks longer than any of you. now let me tell you--
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: and let me tell you, folks, this trailer has got everything you want in a star wars movie. wake surfing e-wick, r2-d2's head playing soccer, even a black stormtrooper. so for the record, jawas, if he stops you and frisks you, it's not racist. also, you are kind of asking for it it those hoodies. and folks, that's not-- no, no, it is not the jawas fault. that is not even the best part, folks. check out this tau some lightsaber. it's a lightsaber with two many lightsabers on it it's a men age-a-sabre. sadly, sadly i think i have a wookiee in the audience. sadly, there are some stuck up half witted scrofy
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looking nerving -- out there who aren't thrilled with the new jedi weapon. they say if these things are supposed to fro tect your hands like swords it wouldn't work because the first time you cross lightsabers and it slid down to the bottom of the wlad the lightsaber would go to the side sabres and take off your hand. or as it was stated on twitter, lightsaber stupid and impractical childhood ruined, everything ruined. yeah. (applause) ruined. well, i think the perfect design, here is how it works. i have done my analysis, okay. people think, people thinks it's actually three different plasma streams but it's all one. the long beam, the long beam right here, okay, it comes out and the two smaller beams at the bottom, okay, they're still attached to it it they don't start where the little metal hilt ends, okay. they're attached to the other beam inside.
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the metal hilts are just casings around the little beam to protect your hand. even if someone slices through the metal they're going to hit the beam right there. any padawan knows that. now i know-- that is science. (applause) >> stephen: now at this know what you're thinking. you're saying but stephen, in the trailer the first light beam comes out before the other two. how could it all be one beam. well, greg, it's simple. you just need three focusing crystal activators to split the plasma into perpendicular blade energy channels. confused? well, you'll understand in two weeks when you catch up with where i'm at. (cheers and applause) i have at it. amateur hour is over. the pros are taking it over on this one. of course, folks, the big story over thanksgiving was the ongoing racial tensions in america.
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we just gave you the jackie robinson stormtrooper. what more do you want? and it was all over one tinny decision. >> a grand jury decided not to indict officer darren wilson in the shooting death of michael brown. >> hundreds warmed the federal courthouse before fanning out through the city streets. >> the courthouse is barricade. the sidewalk blocked. protests overnight moved from ferguson to st. louis. >> yes, ferguson has erupted because officer darren wilson will not face trial. for some reason, these protestors won't take its unarmed black man for an answer. folks, these demonstrations it have been a sobering reminder that st. louis is this. i thought they were supposed to leave ages ago through that star gate they built. now-- now, now would be a good time, guys.
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>> and it's not enough that they destroyed it ferguson. these protests it have spread to an american hold most sacred, football. >> the event in ferguson have crossed over into the world of sports. >> five players of the st. louis rams put their hands over their heads in a don't shoot pose right before their game against the oakland raiders. >> well h that is just wrong. why would anyone surrender to the raiders? thankfully, when the st. louis police, see young black men with their hands in the air, they come out firing. >> the st. louis police officer association is condemning the player's actions calling the mott tasteless, offensive and inflammatory. >> it is tasteless and offensive to see this at that time an nfl game. which reminded me, welcome back, ray rice, we've missed you. and the you have to stop that offensive gesture before it spreads. during the game i saw referees do it a bunch of times.
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they have giant field monuments to it at the each end of the field. later the crowd even passed it tarnd the stadium in some kind of celebration. the point is, these players should be punished. i say we make them play football using only their feet with some kind of penalty for touching it with their hands. you know what? things it would be a lot calmer if black people just agreed never to put their hands up. only in or in their pockets as seen in this encounter with the police officer being filmed by a black man who asked why he was being stopped. >> are you making people nervous. >> by walking by if. >> yeah, they said you had your hands in your pockets. >> wow, walking by having your hands in the pocket make people nervous to call the police when it's snowing outside? >> what are you up to? >> walking, with my hands in my pockets. >> you can't-- you can't trust someone with their hands in their pockets. pockets are the holster of the fist.
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the point is, they're just how many sand gesture that black people should not attempt right now. >> okay. hands up, too tin flamm tore it hands in pockets, too threatening. this trick, looks like you're stealing the thumb t okay. also, avoid-- thans. okay. because jazz hands lead to heroin hands, okay. all right. and no, i'm a little teapot, okay. you're just asking for a cop to yell he's got a spout, start firing. and the most threatening thing a black person can do is here's the church, here's the steeple, because when you open the doors look at all the black people, that could be a ryeout the. you're going to get tear gassed it. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. nation, you and i both know that-- folks, for years now, a dangerous horde of fundamentalists have threatened to destroy everything we love. but now the democrats have been defeated and we can get back to worrying about the islamic state. and well we should because werners are joining their ranks. >> the fresh wave of hundreds of foreigners including americans rushing to fight alongside isis terrorist. >> the fbi is investigating three american teenagers, high-school students from denver who had left this country, lured away through the internet, they say. the teens were on the way to join terror groups in syria. >> in the last six weeks 1now new foreign fighters streamed into syria and iraq. there are now $16,000 there, nearly 3,000 are werners. >> stephen: yes, thousands of werners are joining isis. some people will do anything
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to avoid the holidays with their family. and with government stopping it these terrorists at borders and airports, isis is exploiting security loopholes and security portholes. >> would-be terrorists are packing their bags for the jihadi cruise, with airports stepping up security around the world, keeping want a about jihadists from joining ice nis iria, ferries are-- cruise ships are ferries them into battle. >> they are taking cruise lines that stop at a turkish coastal town. from there it is easy to cross into syria. >> stephen: that's right, terrorists are heading to the islamic state via cruise ship. and folks, if they hated western culture when they got on, just imagine how they will feel after six nights on dinner theatre. these jihadies of the geehi seas must be stopped. which is why i'm excited to
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relaunch the colbert cruise. my wildly popular series of nautical vacations that i have not mentioned in eight years. my latest colbert cruise is guaranteed it to trap any wood-be ter trust. jim? >> ready to get away? and join isis? and come aboard the colbert cruise. ya, man. it's time to trade in that suicide vest for suicide cargo shorts. our cabins are so luxurious. you will think you have blown up and gone to heaven. declare a fatwah, a hunger with our deck a dent hummus fountain it partake in our exciting shore excursions like scuba diving, who knows it, maybe you will run into a celebrity. relax, with round-the-clock spa treatments including complimentary hydro therapy. a seven day fun-filled trip
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to the shores of turkey by way of cuba. so a'hoy, it's time to leave your worries and the geneva convention behind. join us on the colbert cruise where you will make memories that will last the rest of your life. i guarantee it. >> stephen: folks, those tickets-- people love to drus. those vicious pill militants will be in deep doo-doo, their own because the cruise is run by -- >> we'll be right back. ♪ this is the iphone 6. and this is the iphone 6 plus. you know the new a8 chip is powerful it brings gaming to the next level. i mean, if you're into that kinda thing. yeah, if you're into that kinda thing... watch out for that enemy turret, koshka! i got it, glaive! alright, now let's destroy the vain crystal! wait, i'm going to upgrade from barbed needle to serpent mask. i'm going to buy some minion candy too. don't forget an eclipse prism. why would i want an eclipse prism in a situation like this? stop playing like a noob, glaive.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, pie guest tonight need those introduction. so i won't. senator, thank you so much. senator john mccain, what a pleasure to have you on, thanks for coming here for one of my last 12 show, it's an honor. >> we're scraping the bottom of the barrel. >> stephen: no, we have saved the best for last, to paraphrase the gospel. now you are a five time-- u.s. senator. >> what chapter in the book was that? >> stephen: save the best for last. >> yeah. >> stephen: as the marriage at cana when he turns the water into wine, the wine that he makes out of the water is passed around to
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the guests and they say thousand hasth saved the best for last. how are you going to appeal to christian conservatives if you don't know your gospel, sir? >> now at this-- now at this remember, thank you for refreshing my memory. >> stephen: thank you. thank you, father mccain. now how was your thanksgiving. i know you are a big griller, did you grill your own turkey. >> not one, not two, but four fried turkeys an accident set the deck on fire once. >> stephen: congratulations. >> deep-fry your turkeys, my friends, you will never go back to anything else it is kind of addictive, a little bit like some substances that you used to tuesday. >> stephen: we agreed backstage we wouldn't talk about my crack habit. >> there we go. >> stephen: now sir, you have a new book called 13 soldiers, a personal history of americans at war. >> yup. >> stephen: why 13, that
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seems like an unlucky number. >> one for every major conflict we have been involved in since the revolutionary war, and the different individuals, men and women. we took one individual for each conflict and tried to put them in the context of it the conflict. but also described to the reader exactly what they twenty through, and the difficulties and challenges of defending your country. this one, our friend joined at age 15, the revolutionary war, charles martin. almost starved to death. fought in several battles and finally we won, obviously. and it took 30 years. >> stephen: 15. >> joined at 15. and fought all the way through. >> stephen: at 15 i was still watching star wars. at 50 i'm still watching star wars. now i never served because my doctor says i have an incurable condition called i didn't want to.
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but i have heard from what i have read and what i have heard from people like yourself who did serve in our wars, that war is horrible. should books about war, if they're good, also be in some ways horrible? or horrifying. >> as long as we understand that war is terrible, it's the worst of all things. it destroys lives. >> stephen: do you cover any of our present wars in this? for instance bill o'reilly and the war on christmas? >> there is only one hero to write about that, and that is bill o'reilly. >> the young woman in there that fought in afghanistan, she is a medic. she-- monica thomas. she was in a convoy, hit by an ied. she rushed in to save the lives and she did of several
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other of her comrades. and by the way, herroism and that of women like her should put to rest any discussion or argument whether women should serve in combat or not. >> well, let's talk about-- let's talk about-- let's talk about what is going on in the middle east an afghanistan. >> yep. >> stephen: you have said we will have boots on the ground in syria by the end of this year or next year? >> i think it depends on how the president feels his force to do that it he continues to tell us what we want and end up doing it for now, 1500 more as you know recently. and now these people aren't going away. >> stephen: should we have troops. >> we should have boots on the ground. >> we should have more air controllers, we should have special forces and we should have intelligence people because they can only be effective with that. i done mean sending in the 82nd airborne and thousands and thousands.
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>> stephen: but why not send in the 82 around born and thousands of thousands if it is a big problem f we have to deal with these guys, why pussy foot around, why not troop boot it around? >> first of all, the american people would not accept such a thing. >> stephen: isn't leadership about saying no, we have to do this thing. >> we can get the job done. >> stephen: people didn't want the surge when the surge happened. but as you would say, the surge worked. isn't this a surge in to syria? >> it is. but it's got to it be done in a way that would be more effective than sending in a whole bunch of troops. not sending in the large numbers that we did in iraq and afghanistan. >> didn't we underestimate ba we needed to do in tie rack and that's why the war took so long? >> we had a flawed policy. by the way, i was against it, senator rumsfeld ought to be fired. guys like you, you call me the brave maverick. now when i said that obama is mishandling it, now he is the angry old man. i'm not sure which one i am now.
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>> stephen: let's talk about you and the age ree old man of chuck hagel who just got talked out the door by obama. you voted against hagel's confirmation as did i, at home, yelling at the screen. are you glad he's out? >> i think that chuck and by the way he is a friend and he's a distinguished american. he fought as an enlisted man during the vietnam war and i honor that. but he wasn't the right guy for the job. and it's pretty obvious that all the decisions are being made within a small group in the white house. >> so we need somebody who has got experience. you're here for the colbert bump. is this a trial balloon to be secretary of defense? >> actually i was thinking, actually i was thinking about running for president again, what do you think? you would have the full resources of the colbert report at your back in 2016. if it were still on the air. senator, thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause)
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>> senator john mccain, 13 soldiers. go get it. we'll be right back. get to the terminal across town. are all the green lights you? no. it's called grid iq. the 4:51 is leaving at 4:51. ♪ they cut the power. it'll fix itself.
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