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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 9, 2014 1:35am-2:07am PST

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so well that they had to apologize to the motion picture industry because this was a scene about television destroying the motion picture industry. and they made a public apology. >> jon: really? >> yes, at the insistence of the motion picture industry. and our scene had scored. so it was something on our minds at the very first beginning. >> jon: right. >> at the very first of my career. >> jon: is that something-- so you want into this very consciously deciding that you weren't just going to write any kind of comedy, you from going to write social comedy. >> i didn't go into it with that. because that would have assumed hi some conscious-- some conscious support. >> jon: i get it, all right, fair enough, fair enough. first night all in the family comes on, this is ground breaking television. >> right. >> jon: what was your expectation of what would
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happen when this archie bunker character, this plain-spoken, lovable bigot gets into american television living rooms. what was the network worried about? what were you worried about? >> well, the network was worried about-- it was 20 minutes before the show went on the air. >> jon: uh-huh. >> in new york, when i got a call that they were putting the show on the air. because there was one line that they wished out. the bunkers are returning from church because he hated the sermon and he hated the pastor. and the kids have the house alone, mike and gloria and they're going upstairs. they come in and interrupt that. and archie says, he gets what is happening, the meaning of what is happening. and he says 11:10 on a sunday morning. that was it. >> jon: oh, man. >> that had to come out. now when i said why.
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they said it makes it very explicit. (laughter) the it makes it-- 11:10 on a sunday morning, that nails what they're having. i said well, let that be. how about the fact that they're married. they're going upstaired. they're married. what is the problem. >> jon: married people are allowed to have sex in the morning. >> i think so. sometimes it's good for them. anyway, they insisted that that come out. now it sounds, i don't mean this as a tribute to bravery at all. i had the common sense to understand that that little thing, if i gave up on that little thing, i was dead from there on. then no matter what crazy, silly thing, and i thought that was just plain silly. i also had a three picture deal offered to me by united artists. >> jon: so you had a little something-- you had a little fallback. >> yeah, yeah. >> jon: well, it's very
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exciting. you can stick around for a little bit. >> i would love to. >> jon: we'll have norman lear stick around. the book is called even this i get to experience, on the book shelves now. the great norman lear. don't go away. find everything ok? i did, thanks. (beep) (beep) (beep) (confused) honey, you won't believe...
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you were supposed to be out shopping. it went super quick. happy birthday?! with apple pay, using your wells fargo card just got easier. ♪ hey man, have you tried the voice yeah, it's 6? especially with things that don't normally work with regular texts like sarcasm. [sarcastically] please bring amanda. she's soo fun. or if you want to sing a message. [singing] ♪ do you need anything from the store. like 2% milk or skim? ♪ or just getting around words that are really hard to spell. tell the mcdonahaney's that we can't go camping because our exchange student, thelonious, has arachnophobia, which is a shame because we prepared a smorgasbord of charcuterie for his bicentennial jamboree. ♪
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you can control with gestures. like now, she's flying a spaceship to mars! we're flying a plane to detroit. intel. this is where it all changes.
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>> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. her is your moment of zone. >> tony blair's christmas card is trending for all the wrong reasons. the card features this photo of him of what some are called a forced grimas on ♪ >> stephen colbert presents "mr. colbert goes to washington, d.c. a later
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legislator: partisan is such sweet sorry " . a colbert victory lap 2014. ♪ (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! welcome to "the report"! welcome to "the report"! thanks so much, everybody! welcome to "the report"! great to have me with you! (laughter) tonight's broadcast emanates from our nation's capital. there's electricity in the air. can you feel it? (cheers and applause) i think it's electricity.
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they just legalized pot here. (cheers and applause) last night, i got a contact high just walking down to street, and ended up in my hotel room binge-watching c-span.2v well, i think it was c-span. it might have been my shower curtain. we're at beautiful george washington university. (cheers and applause) george washington university, of course, named for our first president, george university. (laughter) d.c. has been "the report"'s second home. a part of me will always be here -- my portrait's in the smithsonian. my wax figure is in madame tussaud's, and my iphone is in the panda pen at the national zoo. cough it up, bao bao! in 2010, jon stewart and i held the rally to restore sanity
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and/or fear. (cheers and applause) and the nation thronged to the washington mall to finally get some answers... about why we asked them to come to the washington mall. i can finally reveal it was a groupon thing. i needed a quarter million people to get 20% off a membership at soul cycle. (laughter) and because this is our natis capital, tonight, i'm proud to launch part one of my one-part series. better know "a" america. tonight, america: the fightin' us.! america began 270 million years ago as part of pangea, until it split off, thanks to jesus. (laughter) it was a happy accident -- all he was trying to do is send an earthquake to punish gay dinosaurs. (laughter)
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then came the people with the feathers on their lends. then the people with the buckles on their hats. then, in 1776, america happened. the founding fathers gathered in philadelphia and unanimously declared -- we should really move the capital somewhere else. (laughter) famous residents of america include congressman john lewis, apple c.e.o. tim cook, and jeffery donovan of "burn notice." (applause) when visiting america, don't miss out on its signature dish: food. (applause) look for it under the melted cheese. and who has the oval offices to represent this great nation? none other than two-term president barack obama.
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(cheers and applause) i recently sat down with president obama later on in tonight's show. (laughter) of course, the republican landslide in the midterms was a stinging rebuke of the president. i checked, he didn't get one vote. (laughter) and yet, right after the midterms, he issues an executive order shielding up to 5 million illegal immigrants. (cheers and applause) yeah. shielding them. he is shielding them. now he's making them s.h.i.e.l.d. agents? (laughter) nick fury must be... very angry. only word i could think of. then the president signed a climate change accord with china, pushed the f.c.c. to adopt net neutrality, and wants to put cameras on cops. (cheers and applause) obama is totally out of control. he's like both guys in lethal weapon at once: a crazy
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renegade with nothing to lose and the black guy who's this close to retirement! (laughter) worst of all, i'm getting too old for this (bleep)! worst of all, obama is threatening to give us healthcare again, because from now until february 15th is the obamacare open enrollment period, when you can go online and select whichever death panel you prefer to smother you in your sleep. (cheers and applause) but don't fall for it. no! do not fall for it! or anything this guy says. he can't make things happen. the people with real power in this country are pundits like me and papa bear. >> i have more power doing what i'm doing, okay, than getting involved with the political process. plus, you have to kiss butt to get money. you know, 150 million to run for president. i can get things done like that. and that kind of power i could never have in elected office. >> stephen: oh, yeah.
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o'reilly clearly has more power than the president. when's the last time obama sold self-lubricating catheters? (laughter) point is, i could be a politician like that -- (snap) -- but a politician could never do my job, which is why everyone should listen to my cure for obamacare, and that brings us to tonight's -- (cheers and applause) >> thank you, everybody. thank you. thank you. stephen. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks so much! (cheers and applause) president obama, i'm thrilled you here but i did not expect you for another three minutes. >> stephen, you have been taking
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a lot of shots at my job. i thought i'd take a shot at yours. (cheers and applause) what part of the segment are we in now? what were you going to be doing in. >> stephen: i was about to do "the word," sir. >> "the word." (cheers and applause) how hard can this be? i'm just going to say whatever you were about to say. >> stephen: okey-doke. okay. (cheers and applause) nation -- nation, instead of the word, let's make this a little more presidential, which brings us to tonight's "decree"... (playing "hail to the chief," then clang)
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... to health in a hand basket. nation, as you know, i, stephen colbert, have never cared for our president. (laughter) the guy's so arrogant, i bet he talks about himself in the third person. (laughter) (cheers and applause) but even i have to admit that obamacare is the law of the land. and while it's been politically divisive, there are things that =cple from both parties like about obamacare. (laughter) for instance, that children can stay on their parents' policies until age 26. (cheers and applause)
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nearly 7 million people signed up last year and almost 1 million more have signed up in just the past few weeks. (cheers and applause) now, how do you stop something that more and more people are starting to like? (laughter) (applause) well, first off a, now that the republicans control both the house and the senate, they could pass a bill repealing obamacare. but the president still has the veto. and if i know that guy, he's willing to use it. (cheers and applause)
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and even if republicans somehow did repeal it, they'd have to replace it with their own healthcare plan. (laughter) and once they touch it, they own it. then if anything goes wrong, suddenly everybody will be complaining about mitch mcconnell-care. (cheers and applause) of course, another strategy is taking obamacare to the supreme court and trying to get it thrown out. but last time we tried that, it didn't work. i believe there's only one sure fire way to kill this thing. (laughter) (applause)
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we have to make signing up for obamacare unappealing to young people. (laughter) (cheers and applause) we can scare them away by reminding them that last year's web site rollout was a little bumpy. (laughter) remember the original web site? i think that's where disney got the idea for "frozen." (laughter) now, the new web site works, and most young people can get covered for less than $100. but how's the president going to get that message out to the kids? (applause) he could try to appeal to them
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directly through a speech or a press conference, but young people don't watch real news shows like this one. (cheers and applause) they watch comedy shows, and i just don't see the president going on one of those. they're beneath his dignity. (cheers and applause) besides, even if he did get his message across, young people don't think they need any insurance. after all, they're young! they don't realize that everyone eventually grows older... some at a faster rate than others. (laughter)
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(applause) and that's the decree. we'll be right back with the leader of the free world. leader of the free world. (cheers and applause) twhat do i do?. you need to catch the 4:10 huh? the equipment tracking system will get you to the loading dock. ♪ there should be a truck leaving now. i got it. now jump off the bridge. what? in 3...2...1... are you kidding me? go. right on time. right now, over 20,000 trains are running reliably. we call that predictable. thrillingly predictable.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight is the leader of the free world, and was recently named permanent guest host of the "the colbert report." please welcome president barack obama! (cheers and applause) >> thank you! thank you! >> stephen: sorry. didn't mean to steal your thunder there, sir. sorry about that. >> i will have to say, i felt more powerful behind that desk. >> stephen: with great power comes medium cable ratings. (laughter) now, to speak of which, the leader of the free world.
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>> i am. >> stephen: finger on the trigger, steer the country through the worst financial crisis since the great depression -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: -- i am the host of a cable show four nights a week. guys like us understand leadership. okay? (laughter) we understand leadership. are you still president after the midterms? because the republicans are quite surprised that you're doing anything at all (laughter) that shellacking didn't rattle the presidential seal off your podium? (laughter) >> look, the election didn't go as i would but as president,he only office where you're elected by people all across the country, you've still got a lot of responsibilities, and my intention is over the next two with years is to make sure, wherever possible, working with congress, we can get everything we can do done to help working families get ahead, to make sure
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young people can afford to go to college -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: let's talk about the young people. >> yeah. >> stephen: we have a bunch of young people out here tonight. the young people did not turn out to vote for the democrats in the midterm elections. can we see a show of hands, how many people voted. (cheering) that's pretty good. >> not bad. >> stephen: though i have to say a crowd of young people raising their hands to their charismatic leader is disturbing. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: all right. why, sir -- and don't give them any hints -- why do you think the young people did not come out to vote? >> i think they felt discouraged about what was happening in washington. >> stephen: mm-hmm. when you look at the issues, young5ó people agree we should raise minimum-wage, have equal pay for equal work, they agree we should make sure a family, when the child gets sick, you
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can stay home without losing your job. they believe in making college affordable. they believe in these things. unfortunately, we had consistently house republicans blocking action on those items and at a certain point focus figured, you know what? it's just not going to make a difference. part of my job in the next two years and hopefully part of the job of mitch mcconnell and john boehner is to convince people that, even in divided government, we can still put the american people ahead of politics. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, you've got some good news. you know, i'm firm but fair and you had good news this week i'd like to tell the people about. the jobs report came out for snov. 321,000 new jobs in november (cheers and applause) the economy is growing at a faster rate than in years. why didn't you fix the economy before the midterm elections? you know your job, and i would have done it before the elections so people were happy
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when they voted. and you win and then maybe you don't have to come on "the colbert report." >> actually, the economy had been on a pretty good run. we've had 57 straight months of private sector job growth, over 10 million jobs created, manufacturing strongest since the '90s. the auto industry has rebounded back. >> stephen: i'll give it to you, you've employed a lot of people -- >> we have. >> stephen: -- mostly as secretary of defense. >> well, that boosted our numbers a little bit. (applause) what we haven't been able to see enough of until recently is wages and incomes going up. this last jobs report started to indicate some wage growth, but we've still got more work to do. >> stephen: let's talk about creating jobs and talk about our northern border. let's talk about the keyston thl
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pipeline. you're going to sign that, right? (audience booing) >> obviously, these young people weren't polled. >> stephen: no, they're chanting "dooo-it"! (laughter) >> keystone is going through an evaluation process now, being held up by a court in nebraska, making a decision about whether the route is legal or not. you know, in the first instance, i don't make the initial decisions. the state department evaluates it. >> stephen: but you're going to sign it when the bill comes to you? >> what i said is i'm going to make sure that if we look at this objectively, we've got to make sure that it's not adding to the problem of carbon and climate change because, you know, these young people are going to have to live in a world where we already know temperatures are going up, and keystone is a potential contributor of that. we have to examine that and
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weigh that against the amount of jobs it's actually going to create, which aren't a lot. essentially, it's canadian oil passing through the united states to be sold on the world market. not going to push down gas prices here in the united states. it's good for canada. it could create a couple thousand jobs in the initial construction of the pipeline, but we've got to measure that against whether or not it is going to contribute to an overall warming of the planet that could be disastrous (cheers and applause) >> stephen: can i make a suggestion? i have a suggestion. i have a suggestion that i think might kill two birds with one keystone here, all right? >> go ahead. >> stephen: this one's free. we don't take it to louisiana. we take it to the canadian border, build that pipe over the mexican border, the other end is open with a signed that says moocho jobso. the people take the thing all the way over the border, they end up in canada, and the
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canadians are too polite to kick them out and there's your immigration policy. taken care of. (applause) >> that sounds like a ridiculous idea. (laughter) but that's why you're where you are and i am where i am. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: can you stick around for just one moment? >> yes. >> stephen: we'll be right back with president barack more tostitos cantina chips at table 3! coming right up.


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