tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central December 10, 2014 11:00pm-11:32pm PST
i'm cold." you cold? - she's got the cardigan on. you're going, "what is going on?" - i'm like, what is going on? - to me, i'm sorry, if i look at a thermostat, it's on 74, that's hot. - exactly. - 74 is hot. - i'm like, "let me turn the thermostat down "and come snuggle, 'cause i run warm. i'll furnace your ass out right now." - furnace your ass out. - i'm heating for two in this bitch. why you got to be across the room freezing? - he said heating for two. - i'm gonna do my one line here. - oh, yeah. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ). captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey!
welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. my guest, suki kim. she is the author of "without you, there is no us." it's a book about her time teaching in north korea. what! yes! first, i'll tell you, it's an exciting night. it's snowing out here, and you got the whole thing. i'm so excited. hold on. let me just get all the pens. okay... yeah. it's a whole wonderland down there. layoff laug( laughter ) of 29-cent pens. the exciting thing tonight is we have a choice of stories we're looking at for you. we have the royal couple with a whirlwind tour of new york city. hip-hip, cherio. or the aftermath of the senate intelligence committees torture report. ( laughter )
what choice do we make on this holiday season hump day? you know what? why don't i just flip a coin, flip a coin. heads, we do the super-fun royal visit. tails, a swan dive into the grim morass of sa say satan's anus. heads fun, tails ( bleep ). all right. you know what? you know what? actually, let me just pick a card at random. i'm going to pick a card at random. i'm going to go there. it's the ace of hearts. we'll do the torture story. 1 in 52, and we'll-- ( bleep ). okay, okay, all right. okay. you know what? okay. okay. let's make it a game of skill. ( laughter ) can i brother get a jar of jellybeans out here, please. >> step right up! step right up. >> jon: okay! the jellybeans are in the jar! >> jon: here we go. if i guess the exact number of
jellybeans in the jar, the thaty friend jordan is holding up, we do the torture report. here's what i'm going to say. five, five jellybeans. >> seriously? >> jon: yeah, five. >> are you ( bleep ) me, stewart. >> jon: five. >> five jellybeans is correct! >> jon: oh, my god. >> you win yourself a torture report! ( laughter ) don't eat them all at once. it will make you puke. >> jon: thank you very much, jordan. i appreciate it. well, by now, we've all had an opportunity to digest, in all its prutrid glory the shocking acts carried out by our government after 9/11 in the name of keeping us safe from forced rectal hydration to a half naked prisoner dying of hypothermia, chained to a floor. on the other hand, isn't 24 hours long enough for us to feel
bad about ourselves as a country? ( laughter ) there's got to be myriad ways we can minimize this. to the push-back mobile. >> george tenet was thed had of the c.i.a. he maintains it wasn't torture. >> dick cheney is slamming the release of this report and the references to, he says, so-called torture. >> general, do you, that what took place is torture? >> no, legally not. >> jon: look, i understand the release of this report puts these gentlemen in a stressful and painful position, in that they would probably say anything to make it stop, but-- ( laughter ) not torture? i mean, sleep deprivation. forced stress positions. waterboarding. feedings-- i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i'm reading that from what the germans did to u.s. soldiers and our allies in worl world war iin we subsequently treated as war crimes and prosecuted at the
nuremburg trials. my confusion. if it's not torture, it's not torture. moving on. the duke and duchess of cambridge in a fond farewell to the big apple a today-- ( coughing ). >> jon. >> jon: why must you haunt me, jellybean carnie. fine. why else shouldn't we be releasing this report? >> this is reopening an old wound. >> we been through this before. >> this is actually all old news. >> to come back now this many years later is not going to do anybody any good displ yes, so many years later. ( laughter ) it all happened in the year 20 ought two. i remember cars ran on gasoline, and spider-man was played by one
tobias maguire. ( laughter ) not this new-fangled andrew garfield. ( laughter ) apparently, what we did wasn't torture. and even if it was torture, who can remember all the way...? ( laughter ) but, of course, while it's best not to remember things from that time that implicate us, surely we must never forget the things that will exonerate us. >> it is critical to remember, after the september 11 attacks, the fear of a follow-on attack was pervasive, and it was genuine. the nation was traumatized. >> jon: but we were scared. surely, a temporary state of agitation can be used as a defense of any crime. for instance, my client, mr. jeffrey dahmer, yes, he killed and ate his neighbors, but at the time, he was hungry. ( laughter ) now, as you can see, he's pleasingly full, and his
depravity has ceased. ( laughter ) so, we didn't torture. it was so long ago that we don't even really remember, but we do remember being scared. here's how twisted up you have to be to try not to address the reality of our actions. this is former bush administration communication director nicole wallace, explaining why no matter what we do people are going to want to kill us in america. and why we shouldn't be having this conversation about torture because it's going to make people want to kill us, all during the same program. >> i think words matter. i think you made that pretty clear this morning. and senator kerry is, i think, correctly concerned that debates like the one we're having right now may endanger american lives. the notion that we we do affects the behavior of terrorists, it's a lie. it's a lie perpetrated by political correctness and by liberals, and it's dangerous. >> jon: ( bleep ).
having this debate puts us in danger but what we do-- see, that's the problem with the torture report. words speak louder than actions. now we get to the real argument that no matter who we say we are as a country, don't the ends justify the means? >> people at the c.i.a. who worked with this program know it worked. >> an awful lot of actionable intelligence collected under the c.i.a. program-- >> sometimes you do get the information you need. >> the program had proven its worth. >> people will talk when they're under duress. >> jon: yes, generally something along the lines of, "ow. sob. ow. i'll tell you anything-- ow." i don't have the words anymore. i wish i had an eloquence that i could express. >> our enemies act without conscience. we must not. >> jon: oh, my god. uncle johnny. is that you? ( laughter )
i've missed you so much. did the straight talk express just pull into truth town? >> the committee's report makes clear that acting without conscience isn't necessary. it isn't helpful, practices that i believe not only failed their purpose to secure actionable intelligence to prevent further attacks on the u.s. and our allies, but actually damaged our security interests. >> jon: ( bleep ). i forgot how ( bleep ) good mccain makes me feel when i haven't had any for a while! oh, man! ( cheers and applause ) oh! come on, good mccain! give me another hit, brother! >> in the end, torture's failure to serve its intended purpose isn't the main reason to oppose its use. it's about us. it's about who we were, who we
are, and who we aspire to be. it's about how we represent ourselves to the world. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: i didn't think i'd ever see you again, like laser disks or myspace, but you're back. don't ever leave me again. take us home, senator. >> the truth is sometimes a hard pill to swallow. ♪ ♪ but the american people are entitled to it. we need only remember when facing cruelty, suffering, and loss, that we are always americans. different, stronger, and better
than those who would destroy us. ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: whooo! hooza! hooza! you know, i should probably be kepressed that someone in the government deserves massive applause for saying we shouldn't torture people and we should find out about it but i'm still so happy someone actually said it-- john mccain, forever! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) freedom!
new trident unwrapped is the gum you love without a wrapper. welcome to the easy life. ♪ trident unwrapped. super useful. helps fight cavities. ilists and checking them twice.g this year we've been at the top of more awards list than any other car company... during the chevy year end event we hope to be put on yours.
now during the chevy year end event, get the best offer of the year on this 2015 chevy malibu. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. ooh sabra... that tight end is the best. oh it's the tightest. excuse me. pass it! are we out? [ group cheering ] [ male announcer ] sabra hummus. dip life to the fullest. [ male announcer ] sabra hummus. what happened? did they get him? [remote chime] ...gotta go...let's go... ♪ [berenson] yeah... we're almost at the pickup. i'll call when they're in the air. just in time for the holidays. t-mobile introduces america's only unlimited 4g lte family plan. get two lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just 100 bucks a month. with any smart phone. including the samsung galaxy note 4, for $0 down. add more family members for just 40 bucks a pop.
think the other guys have a family plan like this? think again. only t-mobile has an unlimited 4g lte plan for the whole family. that'll get your holiday bell ringing. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: welcome back. now the c.i.a. torture report continues to reverberate throughout washington. for more, we're going to go out to hasan minhaj. he's at the capitol. hasan, thanks so much for joining us. we've been hearing attempts to justify or excuse the united states' use of these techniques. do the claims hold up, hasan? >> jon, in all this talk did we torture and how did we torture and should we have tortured, i think we're losing sight of the greater truth here. >> jon: uh-huh. >> the united states of america is awesome. we are awesome. but we've had this discussion. we've closed the book on it, and we've stopped doing it. and the reason they want to have this discussion is not to show
how awesome we are. this administration wants to have the discussion to show us how we're not awesome. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: first of all, this administration doesn't want us to this discussion. and, also, that's the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard. it's just-- just-- >> really, jon. >> jon: yeah. >> i thought it was awesome. >> jon: no. >> yes, because america is awesome. we can't help but bee awesome. un, it remind me of our national anthem. ♪ ♪ >> jon: that's a song from a movie, and i'm pretty sure that's supposed to be ironic, hasan. >> jon, it is not fair to hold to us an impossible standard like never torture. ( laughter ) sometimes you just gotta torture. >> jon: we set that standard. we're the ones who set that standard. the u.n. convention on torture
specifically says no exceptional circumstancees whatsoever, whether a state of war or other public emergency may be invoked. signed in 19ate, by no shrinking violate, president reagan. we signed that. >> jon, we sign tons of ( bleep ). >> jon: all right, that's-- >> look at the declaration of independence. we wrote "all men are created equal," while we had slaves. that was pretty awesome. >> jon: no, it's not awesome. so we're just awesome no matter what we do. we're awesome because we're awesome. >> no, no, no. nosjust because. remember those slaves from before? >> jon: sure. >> who freed them? >> jon: we-- we did from us. >> yeah, yeah. and remember women? ( laughter ) >> jon: i don't-- >> who fought for their right to
vote. >> jon: we-- we did against us! ( laughter ) >> and who stopped the c.i.a. torture program? >> jon: we did, but only because we were the ones doing it! this is-- this is why we have to talk about these issues, even if talking about these issues makes us uncomfortable. >> okay, i get it, stewart, all right. you're that guy. >> jon: what guy? >> mr. truth. >> jon: oh, no. >> yeah, the guy who ruins thanksgiving by bringing up the topics no one wants to talk about. >> jon: i believe in honest conversation. >> no, no! 's at the dinner table trying to have a nice, quiet turkey but you have to stand up and yell, "that's nosher roommate, grandma. it's her lesbian lover." >> jon: don't you think grandma deserves the truth? >> jon, she's 88 and thinks dick clar is still on tv. let her go to her grave without
learning what scissoring it. >> jon: what-- what is-- what is scizz orging? ( laughter ) >> look it up, jon. it's pretty awesome. >> jon: all right, thank you. ♪ this is the iphone 6. and this is the iphone 6 plus. you know the new a8 chip is powerful it brings gaming to the next level. i mean, if you're into that kinda thing. yeah, if you're into that kinda thing... watch out for that enemy turret, koshka! i got it, glaive! alright, now let's destroy the vain crystal! wait, i'm going to upgrade from barbed needle to serpent mask. i'm going to buy some minion candy too. don't forget an eclipse prism. why would i want an eclipse prism in a situation like this? stop playing like a noob, glaive. oh... really koshka? like the time you took on adagio with nothing but some journey boots and a scout trap? i knew you were going to bring that up! ♪
♪ wellllll... ♪ earlyfit ♪ latefit ♪ risefit ♪ fallfit ♪ ballfit wallfit ♪ pingfit ♪ ♪ongfit ♪ingfit ♪ongfit ♪owfit throwfit ♪ ♪lowfit ♪lliefit ♪opsfit ♪tisfit ♪hiswayfit thatwayfit ♪ ♪ daddyfit ♪ pappyfit ♪ datefit ♪ weightfit goalfit ♪ gooooooalfit ♪♪tepfit ♪tairfit ♪martfit ♪eartfit spinfit ♪ ♪ikefit hikefit ♪ ♪ikesfit ♪heeeeefit ♪owfit ♪ whoafit ♪ findyourfit ♪ it's all fitbit
play the 5 gum truth or dare challenge and you could win a sensory adventure. ♪ let's spark the fire. use your mastercard with apple pay okay handbag out there...surprise!! and you could get a priceless surprise. woah!! who's next? four!! from golf experiences to concert tickets. ♪ so much cooler when you do it do it do it. ♪ ♪ let's spark the fire. even the chance to meet gwen stefani. ♪ let's spark the fire. cool hair ah! haha priceless. ♪ everybody let's go!
( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, an author and her book is called "without you, there is no us: my time with the sons of north korea's elite." please welcome suki kim. ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much for joining us. you have written a memoir about your time, "without you, there is no us,"" teaching in a north korean private school. >> yes. >> jon: huh? ( laughter ) how did-- how did you get that-- is that a-- how did you find out about the job and how did you end up there? >> well, i went under cover because i'm not a teacher.
and so, you know, it took a long-- i pursued a topic since 2002 when i first went to north korea, and i found out there's this private school that is built, and i applied for a job. that was it. >> jon: what struck me in reading it is i think i have in my head a version of a mechanized, soulless place of gray. the joy, the ups and downs, they are kids. they're 19-year-old kids. >> yeah, you know, basically the book-- i always want to humanize north korea because we don't really get any real picture. we only get the stories of defectors once they've fled north korea oh, we would get the whole kim jong il jokes. and then nuclear threats. these are the only things we been north korea. and now i guess dennis rodman. >> jon: right. is he the only thing they know
about us? ( laughter ). >> i think possibly, yes. >> jon: so we're really missing each other right now. ( laughter ). >> yeah, it's not a very good meeting. >> jon: but they don't have any access-- what was so fascinating to me, so this is the elite of the elite, as far as young people. these are computerhizs. they are engineers. these are people study ago but they don't know about the internet. >> it was a university of science and technology. a lot of their majors -- this is basically the m.i.t. of north korea, and their majors were computers a lot of them. in 2011, when i was there, they didn't know the existence of the internet. >> jon: so what are they studying? ( laughter ) if it's computers is it, like, look, you have a calculator on it, you can do like-- what does a computer do? what do they teach them when you don't have access to that? >> i mean, that year when i was there they weren't teaching computer at all. they were only teaching them english because 2011 was an
exceptional year. it was the year of 100. north korea doesn't follow our calendar system. they follow it from the birth of their original great leader, so it means stop the lions. to celebrate the 100th, they celebrate his birthday, although he died in 1994, they put all-- they closed all the universities, and put all the university students in construction fields. >> jon: socelebrate. >> socelebrate. to build the nation. ( laughter ). >> jon: i don't want to know what happens during christmas break. i can't even imagine. what happens to them now? you know, is it just-- it's so all-encompassing. do they just go through the production line into a militarized environment and that's it? >> i think they want-- you know,
these are the future leaders of korea. they were-- when all the universities were shut, they were the only ones who were allowed to be hiding in nthis private university playing basketball. i played basketball with them. they love basketball. and ate three meals a day with them. so they were creme da la creme of north korea. and they were so lovely because i think they were also so sheltered from the world. but their system was not lovely. their system was the most inhuman system in the world. so they were perpetually scared. they were always watching each other, reporting on each other. they didn't have a single minute alone. and all the-- they took great leader classes every day. they did great leader duties. so i think that was my dilemma
being there, because i wanted so much to tell them about the world, but if i did, then it could be dangerous for them. >> jon: and for you. >> for me at the time, yeah, because i was under cover. i was-- i mean, i guess if i got caught i would have been called a spy. >> jon: right. >> right. >> which i guess i was. ( laughter ) >> jon: well, that was a twist. ( laughter ) i didn't see that coming. thank you very much for being here. it's a phenomenal-- it's a book like no other book i think i've ever read. it's a look into a society, into a culture, but objectively and humanizing and terrifying and really amazing book. "without you, there is no us." it's on the bookshelves now. suki kim, thank you. suki kim, thank you. ( cheers and applause )
( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> if americans are killed as a result of this report and they tell you that, i assume you would feel guilty about that. >> i would feel very badly, of course. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central